prosperous to listen

Feeling desperately nostalgic for summer 2021. Maybe it's because in many ways it feels like I was living this impersonation of adulthood in a way that feels so far from my current reality. I was 22, and living the life of someone in their 30s. Working my full-time salaried 9-5 job, living with my boyfriend, going on weekend trips with my friends. There was almost no flailing, post-grad; everything just sort of fell into place. Versus now, as I stare down the end of this masters, I can't help but flail. Nothing is certain, and I feel so directionless. 5 years later, and I feel completely out of my depth, especially when I think about how "together" things were at 22.

I know that's hubris, though. I never felt like things were together. The instability I was facing was much more existential than what I'm facing now. As much as the world is falling apart now, the world was falling apart in 2021. There was nothing else to do but hunker down into domesticity and routine. I was making way more money that I knew what to do with, because there was nothing to spend it on.

I've been wanting to reach out to Q ever since I started thinking about breaking up with Z. I think that's part of this. My life with him feels truly so far away now that I'm beginning to grow quite nostalgic for our time together. Our relationship is starting to feel fictional, belonging to someone else; certainly not to me.