P A R A N O I A 4 0 4

what if you combined a pressure cooker and a deep fryer and made a pressure fryer, the most dangerous kitchen implement in history

does this imply you want to heat cooking oil to past its boiling point at one atmosphere

*grabs america by the shoulders* we have got to lock the fuck in. south asia and the middle east are running goddamn circles around us. we have got to come up with a more dangerous way of cooking food now or we can kiss these quarter finals goodbye

one time back in high school my friend accidentally revealed that he didn't know how to pronounce the word "masochist" by shouting "what do you think I am, some kind of machinist??" and I still think about it at least monthly

[no beers in] do you think im ever going to belong somewhere

what about a shapeshifter who’s bad at it. shapeshifter who can never quite get the nose right. shapeshifter who always makes flipped faces because they’re doing adjustments in the mirror. shapeshifter with same face syndrome. shapeshifter who always dips further into the uncanny valley than they want. shapeshifter who can mimic a single celebrity completely perfectly but struggles to recreate anyone else.

haha thats so funny bro. hey what do you thik will become of me

hate how this 1) manages to make fun of Belgium without bothering to mention us 2) every single person in the notes knows this 3) it's true

Some people wonder why people fight wars, but I have no trouble imagining reasons for people to just haul off on each other. 

Yeah you're right. It WOULD be pretty fucked up if you were a swan but you were raised by ducks and you grew up never seeing another swan or even knowing that such a thing as a swan even existed so you just thought you were a duck with something super wrong with it.

World Heritage Post

at the jfk museum. this place is kind of objectively funny as hell i think

americans are sooo desensitized to guns and sometimes it manifests in ways that affect your media literacy. like remember in the first episode of sherlock when john watson opens up his drawer and you see a gun in there and youre supposed to understand that this is narratively significant and conveys his suicidality as well as his willingness to skirt rules and laws but the first time i watched it i was like oh well theres his desk gun. lots of people have those