nonbinary shit @paradoxnbstuff - Tumblr Blog

my adhd meds actually working has a direct correlation on me actually doing my t shot every week which....tbh i havent done more than a handful of times in probably about a year before the last few months. oops. anyways, ive been back on it more consistently than ever for a while now while also being a lot more active with the dog, eating healthier/more intuitively, etc. its great! always love it. feeling good. but i forgot that T (plus weight loss) means I am condemned to the fate of absolutely ZERO ASS.

#never thought id be miffed over fat redistribution from t i spent MONTHS waiting on that shit in the beginning #now my summer short shorts look sad B(#sorry this blog has kind of transcended its purpose at this point rip

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paradoxnbstuff

well shit the day has finally come

im mildly dysphoric about not being feminine enough

paradoxnbstuff

weird that im missing the days where i look at something super cute meant for ppl with boobs and was like mhmm mhm. i could suffer moderate dysphoria to look smoking hot in that.

well shit the day has finally come

im mildly dysphoric about not being feminine enough

#cant exactly complain lmao i wouldve killed for this 4 years ago #i like t i love being on t and thats not gonna change buuuut i think im gonna grow out my hair again #the long hair really gave me a 50/50 on pronouns in public #plus makes me more confident wearing feminine clothing

paradoxnbstuff

i!!! cant!!! wait!!! to have my final post op tomorrow and never have to wear this stupid medical binder again and have all the tape off. No one told me how fucking insanely annoying it would be to not be able to have my arms over my head for a whole month and i want to sleep on my side SO BAD

paradoxnbstuff

update: i am never wearing anything even remotely resembling a binder ever again

#i have some fuckin nasty bleeding rashes under the armpit tape tho

i!!! cant!!! wait!!! to have my final post op tomorrow and never have to wear this stupid medical binder again and have all the tape off. No one told me how fucking insanely annoying it would be to not be able to have my arms over my head for a whole month and i want to sleep on my side SO BAD

#also i rlly rlly wanna get back to working out

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paradoxnbstuff

3 weeks post-op and ive trimmed off a lot of the loose steri strips! and swellings gone down a l o t since the first week. ngl i didnt think there was that much until a lot of it wasn't there anymore. the areas that are still swollen (underneath armpits help) are super visible and annoying the shit out of me. but!! its better! im a lot less panicky about looking terrible! now all im concerned about is working on rebuilding the muscle ive lost and losing the stomach pudge i gained during quarantine (which never bothered me before surgery probably because i was like viciously avoiding looking at my torso too long in the mirror for like a year lmfao)

paradoxnbstuff

👀 1 week vs 3 weeks

3 weeks post-op and ive trimmed off a lot of the loose steri strips! and swellings gone down a l o t since the first week. ngl i didnt think there was that much until a lot of it wasn't there anymore. the areas that are still swollen (underneath armpits help) are super visible and annoying the shit out of me. but!! its better! im a lot less panicky about looking terrible! now all im concerned about is working on rebuilding the muscle ive lost and losing the stomach pudge i gained during quarantine (which never bothered me before surgery probably because i was like viciously avoiding looking at my torso too long in the mirror for like a year lmfao)

#treated myself to a brief...toe bounce today #just to feel the lack of chest movement #i am sore as all fuck under my arms and obsessing over the one area where a stitch came loose and isn't fully healed yet #and still wearing the damn compression binder until dec 4th #but im doing better mentally after letting the swelling go down and getting back to nearly full physical capability #less panic more 'im researching the cheapest weight machine bc now i just really want to work out'

paradoxnbstuff

ima b using the hell out of this blog for a lil bit bc im having a rough time adjusting

i dont think its gonna feel fully real until after the month is up and i can wear clothes without the compression binder beneath? im feeling better about body stuff after extensive talking myself out of it, but. mmmmmmmmmmmm. i wanna get back to working out and exercising and eating healthy bc now! i can actually appreciate how i look!

anyways im mmmmmmm ready for recovery to be done any time now

paradoxnbstuff

but also i put on a tightish tshirt today i could never wear before bc i hated that it always made my chest a bump and i look rlly rlly good in it and that helped a lot

#i think the swelling is starting to go down under my armpits a bit bc i can actually see a bit of muscle now instead of just puffy

ima b using the hell out of this blog for a lil bit bc im having a rough time adjusting

i dont think its gonna feel fully real until after the month is up and i can wear clothes without the compression binder beneath? im feeling better about body stuff after extensive talking myself out of it, but. mmmmmmmmmmmm. i wanna get back to working out and exercising and eating healthy bc now! i can actually appreciate how i look!

anyways im mmmmmmm ready for recovery to be done any time now

paradoxnbstuff

ok this blog is literally for enby stuff so like. fuck it. i wish i could put a read more on mobile but tumblr has literally been continuing to eat itself alive while ive been gone so

im!!! having some real Feelings after top surgery. Like on one hand, holy fuck what a relief. It isn't even in question that it was the right decision. The second I woke up from anesthesia one of the first things that I remember feeling was how insane it was that I'd ever had boobs. Like it felt like I'd never had them to begin with and looking back at pictures that I took for before/after pics actively makes me uncomfortable in a way that I didn't let myself acknowledge before. But I'm....now having some major body problems now that I can see myself without a fem chest. Like. It's probably in large part bc im still healing and swollen and gross but I feel like I look like absolute garbage. I feel pudgier around the stomach than I've ever been and bc I'm hunching to not pull on the incisions it looks like I have tiny rounded shoulders and I just look in the mirror and see pear shaped and rounded and like. prepubescent 11 year old rather than nonbinary adult. I fuckin know it's just feeling bloated and gross after surgery and that I've been not super active the last year after my surgery date was cancelled the first time because of dysphoria, but I feel so bad about looking in the mirror and not liking what I see because of how much effort it's taken to get to this point and how many people would kill to have top surgery at all.

Fuck idk. I'm gonna put pics for reference as long as tungle doesn't ban em again. I'm being insanely critical of myself because I'm not used to judging my body through a more masculine beauty standard yet but just. ugh. i feel like a lumpy pile of garbage and I feel like I shouldnt be anything but grateful. anyways. ill be fine in a couple weeks once i get to stop wearing this damn compression vest 24/7 and dont have constant nip bandages. bleh.

paradoxnbstuff

also ngl im really disappointed that I didn't have as much muscle as i thought underneath chest. maybe its there. under the swelling. ive been in t for years pl e a s e

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ok this blog is literally for enby stuff so like. fuck it. i wish i could put a read more on mobile but tumblr has literally been continuing to eat itself alive while ive been gone so

im!!! having some real Feelings after top surgery. Like on one hand, holy fuck what a relief. It isn't even in question that it was the right decision. The second I woke up from anesthesia one of the first things that I remember feeling was how insane it was that I'd ever had boobs. Like it felt like I'd never had them to begin with and looking back at pictures that I took for before/after pics actively makes me uncomfortable in a way that I didn't let myself acknowledge before. But I'm....now having some major body problems now that I can see myself without a fem chest. Like. It's probably in large part bc im still healing and swollen and gross but I feel like I look like absolute garbage. I feel pudgier around the stomach than I've ever been and bc I'm hunching to not pull on the incisions it looks like I have tiny rounded shoulders and I just look in the mirror and see pear shaped and rounded and like. prepubescent 11 year old rather than nonbinary adult. I fuckin know it's just feeling bloated and gross after surgery and that I've been not super active the last year after my surgery date was cancelled the first time because of dysphoria, but I feel so bad about looking in the mirror and not liking what I see because of how much effort it's taken to get to this point and how many people would kill to have top surgery at all.

Fuck idk. I'm gonna put pics for reference as long as tungle doesn't ban em again. I'm being insanely critical of myself because I'm not used to judging my body through a more masculine beauty standard yet but just. ugh. i feel like a lumpy pile of garbage and I feel like I shouldnt be anything but grateful. anyways. ill be fine in a couple weeks once i get to stop wearing this damn compression vest 24/7 and dont have constant nip bandages. bleh.

#props to anyone still following this blog #i havent had much to update on for a while now #also doesnt help i took a several month break from t literally for no good reason except for....executive dysfunction #brain block that didnt let me do a 5 min task to get back on track for half a year

idk i kept getting read as male when wearing super fem stuff as opposed to more neutral outfits and its super entertaining to me on one hand bc oh the irony but also euphoric as fuck bc im wearing whatever the hell i want and still able to confuse ppl about gender

#and yeah also kinda unsettling in some situations bc when ppl think ur a trans woman #theyre a lot more overtly questioning and direct in inappropriate ways and its. gross.

.

#hey guess what yall i have an nsfw lewds blog over at abracafuck-yall #ima delete this in a day or so but yoooooo

screams and dies

m gonna make an appointment at my clinic to talk to the doc about skin stuff bc im sick of acne and shit

and i havent brought it up yet at all bc...im a fuck who doesnt like to admit shit is wrong. so. should do that. before going anywhere else.

'then & now' google photos are real fun when ur trans

#i believe this is uh #4 years apart?#yeah #my face

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tfw uhhhhh dysphoria

#mmf

.

#okay real talk kinda wanna start a nsfw blog w lingerie/lewd pics #to both like appreciate my body more and hopefully tackle dysphoria head on #and also to play around a bit and hopefully feel attractive again as an nb transmasc person #not just....being told im attractive when i presented fem lmao #anyways. ive been thinking about it for a while now #and it would give me an excuse to buy cute lingerie #(obv it would be a strictly not showing face situation for future professional reasons but 👍)

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