I really, really dislike the narrative that surrounds romantic relationships that if you donât want to spend 100% of your time together, youâre not in a healthy relationship. And I donât mean âugh I canât stand them right nowâ or the whole âwimmin, amirite? Canât live with âem, but still expect them to clean up after meâ heteronormative, hateful bullshit. I mean the fact that romantic ideals have been elevated to such unhealthy peaks of unrealisticness, that even wanting time and space to yourself is considered abnormal.Â
Like some of the things people are describing when it comes to their âidealâ relationship? Honestly just reminds me of the codependency worksheet my therapist made me fill out, and I ought to know because Iâm extremely dependant on my partner to stay alive. Granted, my situation is a little different from people who arenât disabled or chronically ill. But this still doesnât change who we are as people, even if it has changed the dynamics of our relationship.
But weâre still emotionally very independent people, and like doing things on our own. We always have, even before my health issues, we had our own friends. We loved wandering off and doing stuff on our own pre-Corona. And even now we still like having some downtime apart, even if it just means heâs watching TV in the other room, and Iâm on the computer talking to all yâall. That downtime doesnât mean weâre dysfunctional or dealing with unresolved resentment with each other, it just means we donât feel the need for constant physical proximity to feel close. Weâre still getting our needs met, weâre still happy. And yet some people would say that because we donât feel the need to do everything together at every minute of the day, we must secretly be unhappy. Why? Why are some of you so dysfunctional you canât spend any time apart? (See how not nice it is for someone to say something like that?)
And also, while Iâm at it, erase the idea that youâre so in love with someone you will never be mad at them because thatâs also not healthy or realistic. There will be times your partner will irk you. There may even be times that they outright piss you off or vice versa. What matters is how you handle those moments and work through them together. And if youâre continually framing your relationship in terms of âweâre so in love weâll never be angry at each other, so I donât even have to think about it,â youâre not preparing yourself to deal with real and very valid emotions that are part of the human social experience. You can be the most in love, most in tune, best-matched couple ever, and still find yourself annoyed by something. And itâs the people who break up who either donât know how to deal with this, or just plain wonât because it breaks their internal narrative of True Love⢠overcoming all, not realizing that love is both a feeling and a choice, and sometimes you gotta choose to work at it.
 And this applies to queer relationships as well. All too often, I see people saying, âweâre queer, so this will never be an issueâ when what you really mean to say is, âweâre queer, so these particular problems that are prevalent in heteronormative relationships will not affect us in that way.â
But that does not mean you will never come across a problem that does put a strain on your relationship. Like, say, a fucking global pandemic that locks most people in their homes for a fourth, fifth month in a row with no other means of socialization or stimulation.
Or one of you getting sick and suddenly requiring constant careâŚÂ
And that shit ainât easy regardless of who you love. Being a caretaker is emotionally and physically draining, and I could write for hours about why there need to be better support systems in place for the caretaker spouses of chronically and terminally ill/disabled partners and how they often become chronically ill themselves. (I was a caretaker myself from the age of 9 onwards. I know this shit isnât easy. Itâs why I made ETD go to therapy when we realized I would need him to take care of me if we wanted to keep me alive.) But thatâs another topic for another post.Â
Like, honestly, maybe itâs me. Perhaps itâs my experiences and how I view love and relationships, but the whole idea of âI donât need to take time for myself Iâm in a loving relationship!â is just⌠not good. Everyone needs their own space sometimes and demonizing that as unhealthy is, well, not healthy.
Humans are human, weâre social creatures for the most part. But sometimes you just gotta go off by yourself into the metaphorical woods of the psyche and spend some time being comfortable with yourself. And if you canât do that without feeling like your relationship is in trouble, well, maybe you ought to evaluate why.Â
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