Panic! At The Archive

so to restate what i tried to say last time… i feel like this post is very unfair to addicts. i think being angry with ryan for making empty promises kind of just assumes that ryan knows his promises are empty when he makes them. ryan being unable to work on his music, finish projects, update his twitter, or interact with fans is not the sign of someone who doesn’t give a shit. it’s the sign of someone who wants to complete things, who wants to produce music, who wants to follow something he’s passionate about, but is unable to. 

ryan can’t put out music because he can’t remain focused on it. being an addict takes over your life. ryan doesn’t know his promises are empty when he makes them. he believes that he can put out new music soon. he wants us to get hype over it because he genuinely believes that he can finish an album and put it out there and do interviews and tour the country. that’s something ryan thinks he can do. but he can’t, and hasn’t been able to finish any of his projects, because addiction does what it does best to people… takes away the opportunity from him. 

why would ryan even bother saying that he was working on releasing new music if he wasn’t? what would be the point? what would he gain from that? he’s not making any money off of his fans now, no one is buying ryan ross merch, no one is paying for his demos. he has nothing to gain from lying about releasing music. and the assumption that he’s lying doesn’t make sense to me, personally, because it’s not like he’s getting anything out of it if he is. 

here’s the thing. i’ve grown up with addiction my entire life. my closest family member to me is my older sister, who has been an addict since before i was born. it’s nearing 20 years now. i have had to babysit her during her highs (to make sure she doesn’t leave her home, because if she does, she wont be back for days if not weeks), i’ve had to go searching for her when she’s on benders, driving around my hometown with my brights on going 20 miles an hour searching for her on the side of the road because i know where she likes to go. i’ve visited her in rehab. i’ve visited her in jail. i spent months driving her to and from her NA meetings every single night because if i didn’t drive her, she wouldnt go. eventually even i couldnt make her go. 

i love my sister but i can’t expect anything from her. when she steals, when she lies, when she hurts people, when she makes promises she can’t keep (which she does. often.), we can’t be angry with her. i spent so long being angry with her and i had to grow up and understand that she doesn’t want to hurt anyone. she doesn’t want to be an addict. she wants to be sober. she wants to help people. she wants her old life back, her old hobbies, the things she used to enjoy, but all of that was taken from her by addiction. we know she wants to get better but she can’t. it doesn’t make her weak and it doesnt make her a bad person. it makes her mentally ill. she is an addict. addiction is an illness.

i understand (i really, really do) wanting more from ryan. before i met him at the phases show in LA, i made little jokes about him being unable to function, i used to joke about him not putting out music. i made deprecating jokes at his expense because even though i was aware on some level that he was an addict (knowledge shane shared with us several months ago), it didn’t connect with me because i didn’t see it. i was wrong to make those comments and i realized that the minute i saw him. he was not healthy. he was nowhere close to being sober. he could hardly stand, he couldnt really walk without holding on to someone, his words were slurring and running together and it was hard to understand him. when we left that night, all i could think about was my sister and how much he reminded me of her, and how stupid i was for not realizing what was actually going on with him. 

shane has confirmed his addiction, shane has talked about it at length, and everything he says about ryan’s addiction matches what i witnessed when i met him and matches what i know about addiction from my sister. 

but what i can say about meeting him is that he was so genuinely happy to see us. he was so grateful to see his fans. even though he couldn’t stand without assistance, even though he was clearly messed up, he took photos, he hugged us, he talked to us. he was so happy to see us. i didn’t doubt for a second that he was grateful for us and spending just one second with him was enough to feel how much he appreciated our existence. i think he felt like no one cared, and seeing the people who did care was so important to him. he talked about putting out music. he talked to us about a lot of things. and we felt appreciated and loved.

i get not liking ryan ross and i genuinely understand the frustration people have with the fanbase favoring ryan over brendon, but posts like these are so unfair to people who suffer from addiction. you don’t have to like him. you really don’t. i follow and am friends with so many people who don’t like him. but have sympathy for addicts. be fair to them. understand that they are suffering from an illness and they can’t control it. 

i don’t mean to be attacking you at all so please don’t take it that way. i just see posts like this a lot and i really needed to say something.