Pandemonium

I search endlessly. Every conversation feels hollow.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I'd do anything for you baby, just please come back to me and love me right.

Another sleepless night, tearing up at the thought of you. I'm in so much pain and so conflicted inside. All I want is to crawl back and beg on my knees. I'll be anything you want, I'll give up everything for as long as I can be with you. Just love me back, please. In all honesty I think you'd kindly reject me. Because you're likely in a better state of mind, you might even have already found a new shiny toy to occupy your dreams and desires. The space I used to fill. At the same time I'm completely clear on the fact that this equation will never work out - no matter how hard I try and make the square fit in the triangle hole. The harder I bang, the more the box breaks. You were not good to me a lot of the time. When there were better days, or good times you are the best thing I can imagine. Maybe I could have stuck it out for a little while longer - but what would be the end result? I'd be broken, and I'd never be able to build a family with you. You would be a terrible example to my children, who would not grow up in the warm, loving home that I want to give them. Part of me wants to show these scribbles to you, what if something would change if you just understood the depth of my love for you? I'm fooling myself, nothing would change - you already know, and it doesn't matter. But what if... never mind. I'm terrified that you might be the love of my life, I really hope someone else can top the good version of you so I can stop longing so. Despite all this, the heart wants what it wants and it's wrong. I know better, but I want it anyway - it's so painfully human.

I can’t tell what’s genuine, if this is what real love is, or if it’s just my mind playing a sick joke on me. It’s been over two months and I’m still stuck swinging between feeling strong and crashing into weakness again.