The painful truth....
I have not blogged in a while, i guess because i feel no one is really interested but i get a sense of release when i do. I have been kidding myself recently that i am 'better' and it is just my low iron that has made me feel mentally unwell, i am hugely wrong and i really wish i was not. Alot goes on in my head, to the point i have secluded myself from those around me. If i can avoid being a burden for those i care about then i will not be around those or have much to talk about. I wear my heart on my sleeve, i try not to upset people and i always want lots of people around me but since everything with my daughter i don't want anyone near me or around me, i don't want to pass my 'sad' onto them as they don't need it. A few months back after we moved, i wanted to end my life, while harley was asleep. I wanted to just remove myself and my 'sad' from everyone elses life. I don't deserve harley, craig, my family, my friends. Fortunatly, i have a strong reasoning part of my brain and i phoned 111 and ended up in A&E talking to the mental health crisis team. A few weeks back i packed bags for me and harley and was going to drive as far away as the fuel in my car would let me but craig got home before i could. I would apologise for these, but i can not, i can not control my thoughts and feelings. They terrify me, i am not proud of any of it but i also had no support when i went through it. I recently apologised to alot of people, because i felt i needed to for how much my illness has changed me and how i act but it dawned on me that not one person sat back and thought 'was i actually there for her?' Instead i was left to carry on trying to push them away and made to feel like my actions were shameful and disgusting, whilst not reaching out to me and say 'hey, it's ok. It is not right but it is ok to feel how you feel'. Today i took that to heart, today i hit rock bottom, today my flash backs and emotions were as strong as they were from the very start and i wanted to see it all gone. I have cried so hard today, i have been scared all day and i have been so lonely today. I love my daughter more than i could ever possibly show, and i feel i do not deserve her. I love my partner more than i think he realises because without him i would not have made it to today, but all i do is push them away because of everyone else who i tell mean alot but they have not shown how much i mean to them. I don't want to be lonely, i don't want to be lost but i also do not want fakeness in my life as right now i need positivity not negative attitudes towards an illness i CAN NOT control. Emotions are rubbish and i wish i had none but i do, i also have a voice and an opinion. I am sorry if this upsets many of you but my rock bottom is in control.
