river

3/22/24

it’s so hard to be self-aware and know exactly what i need

day in and day out

3/22/24

living for yourself is so difficult when everyone needs you to live for them

being yourself is so difficult when everyone expects you to be someone else

boundaries are so difficult to set when everyone benefits from you not having them

but also crazy bc shit like this happens

at least twice a week

3/14/24

haven’t blogged in a while

life has just been SO INSANE in terms of

work

home life

social life

mentally

sexually

and any time i have for myself never works out

for example today

i had this plan in motion from the start of the week

sister was gonna be out with gma

mom at work

other sister w bf

house? CLEAR

was supposed to have hours to myself

the plan?

naked jack of sesh

(a rare occurrence for me)

bc xyz

point is the cards had aligned for today

or so i had thought

my plan (what happened):

wake up and a sesh

(sister had bf plans so took my shower time)

go back to sleep so don’t have to wait around

wake up and a sesh

(sister still hasn’t left w gma yet, have to wait)

open crib! jack off sesh time

(cant find my good vibrator anywhere

have trouble finding the perf content to get me off)

finally am in the throes of my sesh

FEELIN GOOD

(not even 30 mins after they left, sister and gma enter the house)

BEG my sister to stay downstairs w gma bc at the very least i can just finish the sesh quickly

i achieve the big O

(vastly shorter than i was hoping for)

sit in bliss for a hot sec

(sisters on her way home w bf to hang in house)

shower while belting my heart out

(cant bc i’m self conscious w ppl in the house)

(and then a shit ton of minor stuff ensued after that)

and I KNOW this is actually all very minor stuff

9/13/23

i’ve always heard that your 20s are for discovering and learning about yourself

learning your sexuality

figuring out your gender

diagnosing mental health stuff

i feel like i can’t do ANY of that

well sort of

like i feel like i’ve learned half of myself

therefore i only am

half of myself

half a personality, half a gender, half a literal person

and i cant learn more about myself in this environment

i can no longer grow as long as i live in this house

i feel so fucking stuck and stunted and trapped

i just want to have the freedom to learn who i am

but i cant do that while living here, living with these ppl

bc it goes one of a couple ways

i am a muted version of myself, someone who doesn’t challenge anything or anyone

i let ppl see parts of who i am and they don’t like it, get annoyed at it, find disgust in it, get mad that i ask for accommodations, or even that i exist in the first place

i get really mean or nasty bc i’m so frustrated with life and how i’m forced to live it in this house and i get so overstimulated and overwhelmed that i take it out on everyone around me

THIS IS NOT PRODUCTIVE TO ANYONE

THIS IS NOT SUSTAINABLE FOR ANYONE

I. NEED. TO. MOVE. OUT.

but i cant bc i don’t have enough money

sometimes i’m mean

idk why i just can been REAL snarky sometimes

def stems from me being sensorially overloaded

but i def can also just be mean

and fuck i hate it when i end up being mean to people i’m close to

bc i’m also kind of a ghost

and have a hard time holding relationships (friends/romantic)

so the ppl that i still have in my life i LOVE SO DAMN MUCH

when i end up being mean to them FUCK i feel so guilty and so sad i hurt them

and i’m so bad at apologizing too so….

so much going on

had a really horrible

overwhelming

overstimulating day

had a panic attack

and now i’m just

numb

so thought i’d post some of my old drafts

to

idk

be seen?