Paige's Dating Advice

Before you have sex, ask him to help you spread the word of the day. After sex, tell him the word of the day is Gonorrhea.

Go out to eat. Order chili dogs. Talk about anal.

First date? Jeans and a Nickelback tshirt never fails.

What always gets you laid? Quivering jowls.

Tell him how much you're looking forward to the romantic night you planned. The biggest surprise of the evening will occur when he walks in to find you getting cozy with another man!

Pet his dick. Say, "Awwww! It's so cute!"

After a fight, demand you go to couple's counseling. Tell him the set date and time of the appointment, but be very vague on the Doctor's name. When the appointment arrives, take him to his mom's house and tattle.

Keep judge's score cards numbered 1-10 under your bed. After you're done doin' the deed, choose one and comment on his performance like he's on X-Factor.

When he leaves his phone, snag his mom’s number. Call her after you do it for first time.

Bury him in the backyard.

Yell someone else's name. He'll be glad to know you like his best friend so much.

Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs, and the waiter, and the bartender. Everybody loves upper-body strength.  

When he says he'll love you forever, tell him you think until next Wednesday works better for you because you're leaving for Vegas Tuesday night and won't need him anymore. 

For the second date, disagree with his choice of restaurant. When he doesn't give you your way, sit in his bathtub with a pint of ice cream and a wedding veil and cry the whole night. Tell him he's being a horrible husband.

Go to the classy country club to watch him play golf. Dress as a cheerleader. Scream, yell, and throw your pom poms everywhere. Dump Gatorade on him.

Wear enough makeup to leave an exact replica of your face stained on his pillow case. And couch. And favorite shirt.