Carole. She/ her. French. Queen of Fluff. Addicted to fanfictions. I cannot change the laws of physics, but I can fall in love with fictional characters. Requests are closed! Masterlist - Also @joliespages and @house-of-haleth.
Masterlist - Requests are closed - The tag list is closed
Every Monday and Friday
A new chapter of Life in Verses - sequel to Love in Verses.
Hozier x fem!reader, professor!AU, Dadzier
Summary : Your life is perfect. You're married to the love of your life, your career is thriving as you work at Trinity College, in Dublin. You've settled down with your husband, and it seems that life is perfect these days. And yet, there's a tugging at your heart whenever you see baby clothes, a longing for something more. What if you wanted to be a mother? Are you ready to let this new joy enter your life?
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Chapter 30: âThat sea with the open arms of perennial youth where my Hope alightsâ
Hi, everyone! Hereâs a new chapter! Very sweet and tender. Weâre deciding on the babyâs name today!
I hope you like this chapter! Tell me what you think!
****
Pairing: Hozier x fem!reader (professor!AU), Sequel to Love in Verses, dadzier.
Warnings: fluff (a disgusting amount), angst for secondary characters, smut so 18+ only There are no warnings concerning the pregnancy (no infertility issues, no miscarriage, only tooth-rotting fluff)
Summary: Your life is perfect. You're married to the love of your life, your career is thriving as you work at Trinity College, in Dublin. You've settled down with your husband, and it seems that life is perfect these days. And yet, there's a tugging at your heart whenever you see baby clothes, a longing for something more. What if you wanted to be a mother? Are you ready to let this new joy enter your life?
Word Count: 3017
Masterlist for the series â Hozierâs masterlist â Main masterlist
Joyous Sea
I'm a sea since I could never have been a river
An unchanneled sea
of green merriments
and solitary depths
A sea embracing
Life and Death
out of which all vital force
emerges and to which it returns
I am a sea like that becalmed ocean
I see before me
skirting the Land
with its gentle sovereign kiss
I am a Sea
eyes of dusk
voice of early light
Like that indigo ocean
I woke to on my first voyage
That sea with the open arms
of perennial youth
Where my Hope alights
white seagull
with dawn-colored eyes
I am a Sea
ââââââGenesis of Life
 Magda Portal, Hope and the Sea, 2021, translation by Kathleen Weaver.
August was too warm. Or, to be more precises, today was too warm.
Not a cloud in the sky, azure blue to the horizon. A perfect day to head for the beach and try to cool down in the cold sea.
Andrewâs pale skin shimmered with droplets and salt as he laid down on his towel beside you, letting a long, relieved breath as he let the muscles of his back relax. You, on the other hand, were peeking above your sunglasses to study the long marble surface of his biceps, the droplets that ran down the length of his chest, trailing down from the soft dark hair on his breasts to join the tempting trail down his abdomen, just visible above his swimming trunks. His skin seemed to glow under the sun, pearling with seawater, and you could already taste the salt on himâŚ
âLove?â
You blinked up to look at his eyes again. He was smirking, the bastard.
âStop gawking,â he teased you, but you huffed.
âWasnât.â
âWere too.â
âOf course, notâŚâ
He turned to lay on his side, propping himself up on his forearm.
âSo⌠thatâs it⌠youâre not attracted to me anymore?â
The bastard⌠fishing for compliments.
You rolled your eyes.
âOf course, I amâŚâ you muttered under your breath.
âHmmm⌠because, you know⌠seeing you in a bathing suit, all wet from the seaâŚâ
His voice trailed off, but the look he gave you spoke volumes. Hungry, impatient, and very, very horny.
You raised a surprised eyebrow.
âWeâve barely spent any time on the beach,â you argued.
âThereâs too many people here anywayâŚâ Andrew argued, and he was right.
The beautiful Sunday had drawn a lot of people to the beach. Children playing, adults tanning, it was busy and loud and not as relaxing as you wished it would be. You bit on your lip, brushed a strand of your wet hair behind your ear.
You could agree with Andrew. You could yield easily, walk back to the car and head straight home, and you knew perfectly well where that would take you. Namely, straight to the bedroom. But then again, it would be even more fun if you made him work for it a bitâŚ
You let yourself enjoy the sight of a droplet running across Andrewâs collarbone, the way the sun lit up his hair and beard with red flames, before you turned your attention back to the sea and its foamy waves.
âYeah⌠but I want to go swimming some more.â
You struggled to get up, your swollen belly hindering your movements. You supported your painful back with your hand as you waddled down the length of the beach, zigzagging between swimmers resting on the sand and children throwing balls around.
Behind you, you heard Andrew cursing under his breath before he jogged to catch up with you.
âYouâre sure?â
âYeah⌠and then, we can go home.â
He cleared his throat.
âWhat makes you think the offer will still stand by then, huh?â
You gave him a seductive smile over your naked shoulder.
âOh⌠something tells me you can wait for a little longer, canât you, love? I know youâll be good for me.â
You heard his breath catching in his throat, and he stared at you with wide eyes.
âYou canât say things like that to me in public!â he mumbled, grabbing at your waist as you walked into the cold water.
But you merely laughed at him, and hurried under the waves, dived into the emerald sea, through the pearly foam, across the salted scent of seaweed. It took Andrew a minute to follow you, he was a little too spellbound by how gorgeous you looked like this, kissed by salt, waves and sunlightâŚ
⌠and soon kissed by him too. Much more than kissed, actuallyâŚ
You could have taken a shower coming home from the beach, but that would have taken the sweet taste of salt off your skins, and that was unacceptable. That, and the fact that both of you were too worked up to wait to get into bed together.
In fact, you had started losing your clothes in your hallway. Andrew ordered Elwood to the living room, and then his lips were on you. How he had peeled your clothes off you so easily, that was kind of a blur. But then again, you did the same for him. So, when you opened the door of your bedroom, mouths locked together, his hands at your waist and arse, and yours splayed across his spine and into his messy hair, you were both already fully naked and found this bed unbearably far away.
Andrew didnât push you on the bed like he normally would, or let himself fall on it with you. With your belly in the way and his fear to hurt you now that you were pregnant, he simply let you settle down across the pillows, before climbing in bed too. He was aching for you in a way that was physically painful at this point, but he slowed down the pace of your foreplay anyway, calculating his next move. You raised a surprised eyebrow at him, before he settled between your legs, kneeling before you on the mattress. He reached for extra pillows and placed them under your hip, but he noticed at once the way you were tensing.
âYouâre okay?â he asked.
âErm⌠not very comfy. Like⌠the baby is in a weird position right now.â
âOhâŚâ
âTry without the pillows.â
He complied, leaned closer to you for a kiss⌠but was blocked by your swollen belly again.
âWhat are you waiting for?â you asked, giggling.
âIâm going to crush you.â
You rolled your eyes.
âYou wonâtâŚâ
But when he leaned closer, you shifted under him.
âYeah⌠youâre crushing my belly,â you laughed, burying your face in your hands.
Andrew soon joined your laughter. He would never admit it out loud, but he loved that. The domesticity of it. That you could both laugh and be silly in such an intimate moment. Put the wild passion on hold for a second, for a tender exchange of joy and silliness, and then jump each otherâs bones again. It meant so much trust and funâŚ
âThe logistics of orgasm while pregnant,â you joked, making both of you burst into laughter.
âLogistics⌠thatâs the word.â
He let you calm down, before asking his next question.
âWhat would be comfortable for you?â
You thought for a second, and then bit on your lip.
âWould I be too heavy to be on top?â
But Andrew merely rolled his eyes and let himself fall by your side.
âGet up here,â he breathed.
You straddled his hips, tried to lean more of your weight on him.
âAm I crushing you?â you asked, your voice growing shier.
He faked a loud gasp.
âCanât breathe!â
Which effectively made you laugh and roll your eyes. You brushed against him as a punishment, making him genuinely gasp this time.
He reached to gently cup your breasts, as they had grown more sensitive through your pregnancy, and it was your time to gasp.
âAre you going to let me fuck you now?â he asked, voice now a low, dangerous rumble.
You nodded, shifting your hips in the right position.
He smirked as you threw your head back when he entered you.
His voice was rough when he started moving, slowly growing in speed, and your breath caught in your throat when he spoke again, his tone promising a punishing pace that would surely make you see stars.
âGood girlâŚâ
Simple tasks were becoming increasingly difficult. Most of your body ached all the time by now, your round belly hindering a lot of your movements. You still had a couple of months to go, and yet, your body had changed so much that you couldnât imagine how you could possibly get bigger than this.
As you looked in your reflection in the mirror, turning to show your profile as a reflection, you barely recognised yourself. It was something you hadnât really thought about before getting pregnant, hadnât really realised that it would be such a challenge. Your body was changing so quickly, you could barely register its new appearance that it had changed again.
You ran your hand down the expanse of your round belly, felt your baby moving under your fingers. It was nice though. Terrifying, strange, but nice. The changes became tender again as soon as you thought of your daughter growing inside you.
Andrew entered the bathroom without knocking, smiled as he caught you staring at your naked belly. You hadnât put on your bra and shirt yet, had done your hair first instead. You noticed that Andrew stared at your breasts for a second, of course he did, but then he grinned as he reached out to graze his knuckles across your stomach.
âForgot my hair tie,â he explained, reaching for one by the sink. âYouâre alright, gorgeous?â
You giggled stupidly at the pet name.
âIâm okay. Just⌠getting used to what I look likeâŚâ
âThatâs⌠kind of the concept of pregnancy, Iâm afraid.â
âNo shit, SherlockâŚâ
âYouâre so beautiful like thisâŚâ
âAre you just saying that because my tits are so big these days?â
âOf course⌠Iâm vain and shallowâŚâ
âHmmm⌠thought so,â you laughed.
He wrapped his arms around you, kissed tenderly your mouth, then your eyelids, then your forehead.
âYouâre glowing these days.â
You hummed, something tender and a little shy.
âDo you need help with your bra?â he asked, reaching for the piece of garment already.
âSureâŚâ
He let you get comfortable in your bra before you turned around to let him close the clasp. He kissed your naked shoulder before handing you your large tee-shirt.
âIâm ready to go!â you nodded.
You gathered your things and secured Elwoodâs leash in your bag. First stop: baby clothes. Second stop: the beach for Elwood. Andrew didnât know it yet, but you were absolutely determined to make a third stop: coffeeshop and a pastry⌠just the thought of these scones made you salivateâŚ
You huffed when you bent to put your shoes on, your belly getting in the way and your back aching. You stood straighter again as a reprieve before youâd dive again to tie your shoes. Only, Andrew was now kneeling before you, tying your right shoe.
Your heart all but melted at the sight.
âWe should buy you some shoes too,â he simply said. âWithout laces. It would be easier for you.â
âYeah⌠thank you.â
He tied your second shoe, dropped a kiss on your knee through your jeans before standing again.
âDonât mention it. Tell me if you need anything, alright?â
You nodded, pulled him down by the collar of his brown jacket for a kiss.
âThank you, husband.â
He blushed deliciously. You knew he loved that. Despite years spent as a married couple, he still adored when you called him that.
He gave you a cheeky grin.
ââWelcome, wife.â
You exchanged a stupid giggle, before Elwood would start barking at the door.
âOh, yes, Mr. Impatient! Weâre coming!â you scratched your pet between his fluffy ears to soothe him, before finally walking out the door.
You were only looking for a warm coat and maybe a beanie.
Having a baby in November meant that you needed warm clothes as soon as your daughter would be born, hence the shopping afternoon. Andrew had insisted you started by looking for shoes for you though, and you had found a nice pair of trainers without laces, which would be much more practical for you, especially if you wanted to go out while Andrew wasnât around to assist with shoelaces. Then you started your shopping for your daughter. A warm coat and maybe a beanie.
That was the plan.
The plan had been abandoned long ago.
Andrew was now carrying a basket containing not one but two warm coats, three beanies (including one with a little highland cow embroidered on it that was just too adorable not to buy it), one pair of earmuffs, two pairs of mittens, three onesies (including a sunflower one that was melting your heart into a puddle), two pairs of pants, two cardigans (including one with ladybugs knitted in the pattern, you had rarely seen anything so cute in your life), and three dresses. You had now entered what Andrew called âthe trapââŚ
⌠the aisle with all the adorable plushies.
You gasped, reached out for the adorable bunny on the rack. Floppy ears, the softest of plushies, and an adorable look on its blue face.
You turned to Andrew, who fondly shook his head at you.
âLove⌠weâve already bought her six plushies, and sheâs not even born yetâŚâ
âBut itâs so cute!â
He sighed, took a better look at the blue bunny.
âIt is cute,â he admitted.
But then he reached for another one next to it, the same bunny but in a soft brown shade, almost beige.
âI like this colour better though,â he hummed.
You put down the blue rabbit, and nodded, agreeing with your husband.
âItâs a very soft shade. Very calming,â you nodded.
âYeah⌠the other oneâs a bit too flashy.â
You hummed in agreement, rubbing at the little paw.
Without a word, Andrew put it in the basket. You grinned up at him.
âOh⌠shut up!â he laughed, kissing the top of your head.
âDidnât say anything!â
âYouâre thinking it⌠so loudly! I can fucking hear it!â
You laughed again, before heading to pay for all the clothes you had picked. You lingered by the plushies though, and then did a final round around the onesies. Andrew stopped in front of a pyjama with a little dog on it. It was soft and warm, a black and white dog embroidered on the front that looked a little like Elwood. It was sleeping, with a little cloud shape above it that showed he was dreaming of a little bone.
You grinned as you stared at your husband, growing all soft, and pouting at you.
âItâs so cute!â
He looked for a small size, and added it to the basket.
âAlright, weâre leaving now, or weâll end up buying the entire store!â
You laughed, but agreed. You had too many clothes for your daughter already, and she wasnât even born yet⌠but you couldnât resist spoiling her. And imagining her wearing these clothes was melting your heart every timeâŚ
Elwood was living his best life. Running along the beach, the salty wind caught in his tail and ears and sand under his paws. You threw his ball again, and he ran at full speed to catch it.
It was a sunny day, summer still caught in the warm breeze. It was quite late though, so there werenât too many people around, and you could let Elwood run free without worrying about a crowd. Carrying your shoes in your hand, finding Andrewâs fingers easily between the two of you, you walked down the length of the beach with your feet brushed by the cold water. It was doing miracles to your sore legs. The soft, rhythmic hum of the sea carried your thoughts elsewhere, to work, to your baby, to the clothes in your carâŚ
âYou know⌠Iâve been thinking about her name quite a lot,â Andrew broke the comfortable silence that had settled between the two of you, pulling you back into reality with his gentle voice.
âOh! And?â you encouraged him to go on while keeping an eye on Elwood, who was playing catch with the waves, running towards the sea and then away as waves devoured the sand.
âI think we should give her an Irish name.â
You beamed up at him. That was what you wanted, but there were a few English ones Andrew liked, so the debate for your daughterâs name was still raging.
âIâm glad,â you merely answered, leaning closer to hook your elbow with his.
âI know thatâs what you wanted,â he chuckled. âBut⌠Yeah⌠I like the idea. Irish resurgence and all that jazzâŚâ
âWhat name do you like most?â
âI donât know⌠I havenât decided yet. But whatever we choose, Iâm pranking SiobhĂĄn into making her believe weâll name the baby after her.â
You burst into a bright laughter, joy covering the soothing sounds of the sea, boisterous and loud.
âI like Saoirse,â you went on, voice lower now, a tone of confession rather than laughter.
âHmm⌠I donât know⌠there was this girl in high school I had a massive crush on who was named like thatâŚâ
âOkay, moving on, not Saoirse!â
He laughed too.
âLaoise?â he proposed.
âHmm⌠no. I donât feel like sheâs a Laoise.â
âClodagh?â
âMy worst enemy in kindergarten⌠Niamh?â
âThatâs cute⌠but I donât know⌠no, I donât quite like the sound that much.â
âItâs a pretty name.â
âI donât know why⌠I just⌠No⌠I donât know why⌠I have a bad feeling about Niamh for her.â
âOkay⌠ermâŚâ
âDonât act like youâre not keeping your favourite for last! Spit it out! What name do you want for her?â
You smiled, gentle and warm, as you rested your hand on your belly, on your daughter.
âCaoimhe. I want to call her Caoimhe.â
Andrew slowed his steps, guiding you to a stop. He rested his hand over yours, intertwining your fingers together.
He took a moment to think, repeated the name a few times to taste the sound of it on his tongue. The rolls of the consonants and the quiet of the vowels. Precious, loved, gentle. His grin was emotional when he slowly nodded, humming in approval.
âYou know what? I like it⌠Yeah⌠I can feel it. Sheâs Caoimhe.â
You exchanged a bright grin, rubbing circles over your belly together, fingers locked, in tandem. You looked down at your daughter.
Your life is perfect. You're married to the love of your life, your career is thriving as you work at Trinity College, in Dublin. You've settled down with your husband, and it seems that life is perfect these days. And yet, there's a tugging at your heart whenever you see baby clothes, a longing for something more. What if you wanted to be a mother? Are you ready to let this new joy enter your life?
Pairing : Hozier x fem!reader
Professor! AU - This is a sequel to my fic Love in Verses.
Warnings: fluff (a disgusting amount), angst for secondary characters, smut so 18+ only
There are no warnings concerning the pregnancy (no infertility issues, no miscarriage, only tooth-rotting fluff)
The entirety of the fic is already written, chapters posted twice a week, every Monday and Friday!
Chapter 1: âI love you. Iâm glad I exist.â
Chapter 2 : âWhen I came here first, you were always singingâ
Chapter 3: âAnd, for me, the whole of you has been transformed into feelingâ
Chapter 4: âImpossible to silence it. It weeps for distant things.â
Chapter 5Â : âMaybe death isn't darkness, after all, but so much light wrapping itself around us â as soft as feathers âthat we are instantly weary of looking, and looking, and shut our eyesâ
Chapter 6: âThe odor of acid and the little, pitiless tragedy of being imaginedâ
Chapter 7: âSo as not to be the martyred slaves of time, be drunk, be continually drunk! On wine, on poetry or on virtue as you wish.â
Chapter 8: âStill, as the old year tips into the new, I insist on the infant hope, gooing and kicking his legs in the air.â
Chapter 9: âThings fall apart; the centre cannot hold; mere anarchy is loosed upon the worldâ
Chapter 10: âJust like moons and like suns, with the certainty of tides, just like hopes springing high, still I'll rise.â
Chapter 11: âUpon waking on the kitchen counter I find a half grapefruit carefully cut and sectioned.â
Chapter 12: âThe nurse a passenger in front, you ensconced in her vacated corner seat, me flat on my back â our postures all the journey still the sameâ
Chapter 13: âWhatever happens with us, your body will haunt mineâ
Chapter 14: âTo whom I owe the leaping delight that quickens my senses in our wakingtimeâ
Chapter 15: âAnd everything is perfectly still until you catch the sound of something lost and shy beating its wings against those darkening stars. And then: music.â
Chapter 16: âSweetheart when you break thru youâll find a poet hereâ
Chapter 17: âNovel unbegun, half-loaf risingâ
Chapter 18 : âIn the morning glad I see ; my foe outrestched beneath the tree.â
Chapter 19: âShe says to him, Listen to the little birdies, and he listens to the common sparrows talking in the hedge. He listens as they argue back and forth, their dialect of natureâ
Chapter 20Â : âBut to prevent the sad increase of hopeless love, I keep away.â
Chapter 21: âAnd you think the hole in the universe, caused by the emission of your grief, is so deep it will never be rectifiedâ
Chapter 22: âI'm a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that's me.â
Chapter 23: âDrink one last pull of starlight straight from the bottleâ
Chapter 24: âAnd we discovered there love had the feather and muscle of wings and had come to live with us, a brother of fire and airâ
Chapter 25: âBut this dedication is for others to read: these are private words addressed to you in public.â
Chapter 26: âNever fear. We may let the scaffolds fall confident that we have built our wall.â
Chapter 27: âBut Mitski in my speakers pulls me back to earth she keeps my hands on the wheel when I want and I so often want to dieâ
Chapter 28: âI know what my heart is like since your love died: it is like a hollow ledge holding a little poolâ
Chapter 29: âVague as fog and looked for like mailâ
Chapter 30: âThat sea with the open arms of perennial youth where my Hope alightsâ
Chapter 31: âThat spring will be a green havocâ
Chapter 32: âIf your hands were in mine Iâd be sure weâd not severâ
Chapter 33: âThen someone lifted you up, and there was a sound, and they laid you on me, breathing.â
Chapter 34: âHer eyes are Neruda's two dark pools at twilightâ
Chapter 35: âYou are her soft miracle. So she gave you her eyes to see the best in the worst.â
Chapter 36: âEvery finger shall have its ring and there won't be a single place dark or unhappyâ
Chapter 37: âA day is long and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleepâ
Chapter 38: âNach mĂłr ĂŠ an taitneamh mo stĂłirĂn ina leaba ina chodladh gan bhrĂłnâ
Chapter 39: âNo one else will travel through the shadows with me, only you, evergreen, ever sun, ever moonâ
Chapter 40: âWhat does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is starry and she is not with me.â
Chapter 41: âI'd rather have the dream of you with faint stars glowingâ
Chapter 42: âHer breath in mine, our fluent dipping knives â never closer the whole rest of our lives.â
Chapter 43: âI think I like myself a little brokenâ
Chapter 44: âSo I imagine such love of the world â its fervency, its shining, its innocence and hunger to give of itself â I imagine this is how it began.â
Chapter 45: âIâm your guide here. In the evening-dark morning streets, I point and name.â
Chapter 46: âTake my hand. Stand by the window. I want to show you what is hidden in this ordinary.â
Chapter 47: âAnd, what is more, you seemed to know, although you are so small, that I was there, with eager arms, to save you from a fall.â
Chapter 48: âThe world is at least fifty percent terrible, and thatâs a conservative estimate, though I keep this from my children.â
Chapter 49: âBefore the kite plunges down into the wood and this line goes useless take in your two hands, boys, and feel the strumming, rooted, long-tailed pull of grief. You were born fit for it.â
Chapter 50: âAnd if you missed a day, there was always the next, and if you missed a year, it didnât matter, the hills werenât going anywhere, the thyme and rosemary kept coming back, the sun kept rising, the bushes kept bearing fruitâ
Chapter 51: âEven in another timeâ
Chapter 52: âAnd that orange, it made me happy. As ordinary things often do just lately.â
Chapter 29: âVague as fog and looked for like mailâ
Hi, everyone! Hereâs a new chapter! Very sweet and tender. Weâre learning the babyâs gender! Did you guys guess right?
I hope you like this chapter! Tell me what you think!
****
Pairing: Hozier x fem!reader (professor!AU), Sequel to Love in Verses, dadzier.
Warnings: fluff (a disgusting amount), angst for secondary characters, smut so 18+ only There are no warnings concerning the pregnancy (no infertility issues, no miscarriage, only tooth-rotting fluff)
Summary: Your life is perfect. You're married to the love of your life, your career is thriving as you work at Trinity College, in Dublin. You've settled down with your husband, and it seems that life is perfect these days. And yet, there's a tugging at your heart whenever you see baby clothes, a longing for something more. What if you wanted to be a mother? Are you ready to let this new joy enter your life?
Word Count: 3317
Masterlist for the series â Hozierâs masterlist â Main masterlist
Youâre
Clownlike, happiest on your hands,  Â
Feet to the stars, and moon-skulled,  Â
Gilled like a fish. A common-sense  Â
Thumbs-down on the dodoâs mode.  Â
Wrapped up in yourself like a spool,  Â
Trawling your dark as owls do.  Â
Mute as a turnip from the Fourth  Â
Of July to All Foolsâ Day,
O high-riser, my little loaf.
Vague as fog and looked for like mail.  Â
Farther off than Australia.
Bent-backed Atlas, our traveled prawn.  Â
Snug as a bud and at home  Â
Like a sprat in a pickle jug.  Â
A creel of eels, all ripples.  Â
Jumpy as a Mexican bean.  Â
Right, like a well-done sum.  Â
A clean slate, with your own face on.
Sylvia Plath, Ariel, 1961
SiobhĂĄn and Alex were definitely broken up.
SiobhĂĄn had called you half-an-hour before. She told you about seeing Alex the previous night, how he apologised and finally gave her an explanation. How it wasnât enough, how he still claimed it was all for her, when she knew it wasnât. How she was moving on. How she felt stronger now, more like herself. You were happy for her, she deserved to feel empowered in a relationship, and Alex had clearly stirred her away from that, even if he hadnât meant to.
Of course, you had hoped that things would end well for these two, as their love was clearly earnest for each other. Still⌠sometimes love wasnât enough. It was a bitter reminder that love was a fragile thing, that it required foundations strong enough to survive earthquakes, and daily efforts to make it all worth fighting for.
You sat there at the breakfast table now with Andrew, quieter than usual. And maybe it was because of SiobhĂĄn, but really, deep down, you knew it was about you and Andrew.
You looked at him as he drank a gulp of coffee. All messy bun, dirty glasses and old brown hoodie, in the bright light of the lamp hanging from the ceiling, while the sky outside remained darkened with clouds heavy with rain. Soft and comfortable and safe. You watched as he roughly rubbed at his face, chasing away remnants of sleep, before yawning. Simple. Just himself.
Could this ever happen to the two of you? Drifting apart, breaking despite your love for each other?
Andrew blinked a couple of times before looking up at you, feeling your stare on him. He frowned at your expression.
âYouâre okay, honey?â
âYeah⌠sorry,â you tore yourself out of your thoughts with a jolt.
He heaved a sigh.
âWant to tell me what youâre thinking?â
You hesitated.
Could this happen to you?
If you stopped making efforts, of course, it could. But why would you stop making efforts, when⌠when there was no effort to begin with? It didnât feel like an effort to talk to him, to spend time with him, to understand him. It was natural, it was even a craving.
Andrew reached out for your hand, kissed the pulse point on the inside of your wrist.
âSiobhĂĄnâs going to be okay. She just needs time,â he reassured you.
âI know⌠I think she made the right choice, itâs justâŚâ
You let out a shaky breath.
âItâs scary, because I know they loved each other. And yet it still didnât work.â
âSometimes, loving someone isnât enough. A relationship, itâs not just about love. Itâs about choosing this person every day. Itâs about staying even when it gets hard. Itâs about knowing that this is the most important thing in your life, and not straying from it. Love is what glues it all together, but you canât neglect the rest of the pieces either.â
âItâs not going to happen to us, right?â
You were surprised when Andrew chuckled, looked at you as if you were saying something stupid.
âBabe⌠of course, it wonât happen to us. Weâre not like SiobhĂĄn and Alex.â
âThey loved each other. Genuinely.â
But Andrew shook his head.
âIâm choosing you every day. I will always choose you. Every day. Alex didnât.â
He heaved a sigh.
âI think SiobhĂĄnâs right. He started by wanting stability for her, and then he got caught up in that feeling, in touring, in wanting more, he left her behind. I wonât do that. I know what that feels like, to be left behind. Iâll never do that to you. And I think⌠I think we communicate better than them. We listen to each other. Besides⌠you know⌠youâre my best friend. Even if there wasnât⌠kisses or sex or anything involving romance, I would still love you, and I would still seek you out. Because youâre my best friend. Iâm not sure they had that kind of connection, beyond romance. You know what I mean? Even if you broke up with me, you would still be the person I would want to call to have a chat, the person I would want by my side for anything important or unimportant happening in my life. And that⌠thatâs special, I think. I donât know, maybe Iâm just projecting things onto them, butâŚâ
âNo⌠no, I think youâre right. Youâre my best friend too. And youâre right, even when weâre old and have lost all our libido⌠Iâll still seek your companionship, more than anything else. Itâs always been like that with you. Even if I crave the physical intimacy too, what I treasure the most is the time we spend together.â
You exchanged tender smiles.
âWeâre putting in the work, honey. Iâm okay with how things are, are you?â
You nodded.
âIâm happy with you. Very happy.â
Andrew gave your hand a squeeze, ending the conversation with a tender smile. He took a look at his phone, but found only a black screen.
He had sent Alex a text to check on him, after SiobhĂĄnâs call, but had received no answer. Alex hadnât called after leaving SiobhĂĄnâs place either. You hated the look of pain on your husbandâs face, and he noticed your feelings as he looked up at you again.
He gave you a sad smile.
âI guess⌠things arenât so good again between us after all, huh?â he let out in a loud exhale.
âIâm sorry, honey.â
âItâs okay. Weâll see how it goes.â
You rested your hand on your belly as you felt the baby kicking, the mood shifting instantly in the kitchen, growing warmer again.
âIs our angel moving around?â Andrew asked, beaming now.
âYep! And⌠that was my bladder, angel,â you told your baby, making Andrew laugh.
âI canât believe weâre going to know the gender in a few days⌠Days?! Do you realise that?!â
âNo⌠not really⌠But then again, I donât really care. Iâll love them the same.â
âMe too, of course. StillâŚâ
âYouâll be a wonderful father regardless.â
Andrew reached over the table to place a hand on the top of your belly, and you instantly covered his fingers with yours, keeping him there.
âI mean⌠I have a better understanding of being a boy, you know⌠Iâve been through it. Iâm a little worried I wonât be able to understand her as wellâŚâ
âYouâd be such a good da for a little girl. Youâll make her feel so safe.â
He blushed hard, and looked away to hide the emotions that were rising to his eyes.
âArgh! Youâre just saying that.â
âNo! I mean it! Sheâll have you wrapped around her little finger!â
You both laughed.
âItâll be the same for a little laddie,â he argued.
âTrue⌠Iâll be happy to have a boy too.â
âMe too. God⌠if itâs a girl, Iâll have to learn how to do braids and stuff⌠I have only two hair options, and they both involve a bun of some kind⌠Iâll have to up my game.â
You laughed at the slight panic in his eyes, warmth spreading across your chest.
âIâll coach you.â
âThanksâŚâ
âJust a few days left to wait.â
âThen, weâll choose their name!â
You exchanged a grin.
âI have my list ready,â said Andrew.
âReally?â
âOf course!â
âLet me guess⌠the number one is probably⌠some reference to a blues musician.â
âWrong⌠Itâs obviously Andrew junior.â
You burst into laughter.
âOh, sorry⌠forgot the egomaniac tendency for a secâŚâ
âYou should never underestimate me.â
âI thought we could call them⌠Parmesan, or⌠VinegarâŚâ
âJesus Christ, thatâs so much worse!â
You laughed, bright and happy and carefree, your hands joined above your little baby.
Andrew kept rubbing at his palm, despite your best efforts to soothe him. Not that you were surprised by his nerves, you felt the same mixture of excitement and dread. This ultrasound meant getting a picture of your baby, listening to their heartbeat, seeing them on the screen and learning if they were a boy or a girl⌠But it was also a check-up, aimed to detect any growth or health issue.
You felt your baby moving, giving a little kick, and you soothingly rested your hand over the spot.
âMrs. Y/L/N?â
You looked up as you were called, Andrew already on his feet and ready to follow the sonographer.
She let you lie down and get comfortable while she was getting the ultrasound ready. She asked you some basic questions as well, inquiring if you had encountered any issues in your pregnancy so far.
Once she was satisfied with your answers, she finally turned to the two of you.
âToday, weâre going to check the growth of your baby, check the heartbeat and we can also determine if itâs a boy or a girl⌠do you want to know?â
You both nodded.
âYes, weâd like to know,â Andrew answered, his voice slightly shaky.
âWould you like for the result to be sealed for a gender reveal orâŚâ
âNo, we want to know now,â you shook your head.
âAlright! Letâs get started, then! Ready to see your baby?â
You grinned at the midwife, nodding enthusiastically. You lifted up your tee-shirt, reached for Andrewâs hand while the sonographer asked if she could tuck some tissue paper around your waistband to protect your jeans. You nodded, your heart beating a thousand miles a minute.
âThis gel is still cold and sticky as hell⌠They havenât figured that out yet,â she joked, before applying a translucid gel to the probe she would use for the ultrasound.
She applied the gel across your tummy, and you still jumped a little despite her warning and having done this once before. The machine let out a beep after she pressed a button on the screen.
âAlright⌠here we go!â
She tapped on a keyboard, touched the screen a couple of times. And then, all of a sudden, a loud booming sound echoed through the room, deep and rhythmic, a quick pulse shaking your whole being.
The midwife smiled.
âThatâs your babyâs heartbeat. All normal, loud and clear.â
Andrew tightened his hold on your hand, and you exchanged a long, tender look. You could see he was holding back tears as well.
Ta-boom, ta-boom, ta-boomâŚ
Your babyâs heartbeatâŚ
âIâm making some measurements, real quick⌠but so far, everything seems normalâŚâ
You heaved a relieved sigh, looking at Andrew again. He gave you a reassuring smile. You knew what he meant.
Iâm here⌠everythingâs okayâŚ
âWe are at⌠23 cm for the baby⌠which is perfectly normal for the end of the fifth month. So far so good⌠but baby is not cooperating for me to check on the limbs properlyâŚâ
She turned to you, moved her chair closer.
âIâm going to press on your tummy to move the baby around. Itâs perfectly safe, but itâll be uncomfortable for you.â
You nodded, tightening your hold on Andrewâs hand as the sonographer pressed against the side of your round belly. Harder than you had anticipated. It wasnât painful, though⌠but definitely uncomfortable. You felt the baby kicking right against your bladder and you hoped you wouldnât have to tell the sonographer to stop to go to the toiletâŚ
The sonographer moved the probe again, pressed on the underside of your belly this time. But then, she let go and let out a satisfied hum.
âHa! Much better! Her legs and arms were all folded, it was hard to have a good viewâŚâ
âHer?!â
You interrupted the sonographer without thinking. You blinked to get the tears out of your eyes as you turned to Andrew, who was clearly not breathing as he stared at the doctor as well.
She smiled, turned the screen towards you.
Your baby was there, in black and white, in the weird picture left by the ultrasound, but you could see clearly little arms and legs, a headâŚ
âYes,â the sonographer nodded, âthatâs definitely a little girl there.â
You couldnât help the tears that rolled down your cheek as you stared at the screen.
âA girl? Youâre sure?â you heard Andrew asking in a shaky voice, but your eyes were glued to the screen.
âCertain! Congratulations!â
Andrew let out an aghast chuckle, holding your hand with both of his now.
âHer legs and arms are perfect! Her growth is perfectly on schedule! The placenta is perfectly attached, the umbilical cord is untangled and well-developed. All is well!â
You let out a relieved sigh as you brushed another tear away, staring at the screen, listening still to the thumping sound of your babyâs heartbeatâŚ
⌠your daughterâs heartbeat.
After getting some more measurements done, you were ready to leave. The sensation of the gel over your skin was sticky and uncomfortable, but you didnât pay any attention to it.
A girlâŚ
You followed Andrew around to the entrance desk to get the pictures and the results of the ultrasound. You let your husband take the lead to guide you through corridors, until you were outside again, under the sun.
A girlâŚ
You barely noticed when Andrew took a quick turn to the right, and aimed his steps towards the side of the building rather than the parking lot. You followed him though, your hand in his. You would have followed him anywhere anywayâŚ
He stopped once you were out of sight from the main gate, nobody around. He let out a shaky breath, turned to you with an aghast look on his face as he ran his fingers through his curls.
âA girl?â he breathed.
You realised he was shaking, but there was a bright smile growing across his lips, becoming more and more radiant as he seemed to finally let the news sink in.
You nodded, your own grin joining his.
âWeâre having a baby girl!â you nodded, covering your mouth as you let tears overwhelm you.
Andrew wrapped his arms around you, and you held him close, burying your face in his shoulder.
âWeâre going to have a daughter,â he breathed, laughing now as joy overflowed in his tall frame, as he couldnât contain such happiness in the space between his ribcage, he had to let it out somehow.
He cradled your face in his hand, tilting your head up so he could kiss you. Slow, loving, but with something desperate too. You felt the same, overexcitement making you giddy.
You remained in each otherâs arms for a long while, taking your time to let the news sink in. Andrewâs hand was back on your belly, he didnât even seem to have noticed his own gesture. You kissed some more, made aghast remarks every once in a while, but mostly just remained quiet, in a tight and safe embrace that soothed both of your worlds.
A girlâŚ
At long last, you went back to your car, holding hands and trying hard not to cry again. You were shaking slightly, feeling a little weak on your legs, and when you told so to Andrew, he wrapped a protective arm around your waist.
âWant to wait for me here? Iâll get the car.â
âNo, itâs okay⌠Iâm fine. I just⌠Iâm just so happy!â
He laughed, nodding.
âMe too. Iâm so happy tooâŚâ
You had barely fastened your seat belt that you took out your phone while Andrew was turning on the engines.
You tapped on SiobhĂĄnâs name on the screen, put her on speaker so Andrew would hear your conversation as well.
She picked up almost immediately.
âHey, you! How did it go?â
You grinned, trying to force the words out despite your throat tightening with emotions.
âGrand! Everythingâs normal, our baby is perfect, but that was to be expected.â
By your side, Andrew chuckled, shaking his head.
âSo⌠do you know the gender?â
You took a breath before answering.
âYeah⌠weâre having a girl!â
SiobhĂĄnâs shriek made both you and Andrew laugh.
âOh my God! Congratulations to both of you! Oh my God⌠Iâm having a niece!â
âThank you,â Andrew spoke loudly enough for her to hear.
âI need to go shopping⌠my God⌠Oh my GodâŚI need to go shopping right now! I need to go buy that tiny blue dress I saw the other day. It had little penguins on it! It was so CUTE! HAAAA!â
You laughed at your friend, your chest feeling warm and soft.
âDonât spoil her already!â
âOf course, Iâm going to spoil her! Sheâs my niece!â
You told her the details of the ultrasound, told her your daughter was healthy and well and everything was normal.
âYou deserve a good bath and some time relaxing now, that must be a lot of emotions for you,â she said as you were about to end the call.
You laughed.
âOh, I might do that tonight, yes⌠But weâre heading to Andrewâs parents now. When we told Rainey we had this appointment today, she told us to come by during the afternoon. Clearly, she canât wait to be a grandma!â you laughed.
âAlright, have fun with the in-laws then⌠but take some rest!â
âYes, mum.â
âVery funny! Alright, Iâll leave you to it, then. Love you!â
âLove you, SiobhĂĄn! Bye!â
âBye!â
âBye!â
You hung up, heaved a sigh. You reached for your bag again to get the snacks you had brought along, and munched on them for the rest of the drive, with a hand on Andrewâs thigh and happy music filling up the car.
Raine must have heard you parking the car before her house, because she opened the door when Andrew was opening your car door for you and helping you out of the vehicle.
You grinned at her when Raine excitedly joined her hands together, watching Andrew and you walking to her front door.
âSo? How did it go? Do you know if itâs a wee boy or girl?â
You laughed, kissed her cheek as you said hello, gave her a quick hug.
âEverythingâs fine,â Andrew reassured her.
He gave his mother a hug too, and she let you both inside.
John was sitting on the couch, a book in his hand, and Andrewâs brother was here too, greeting both of you with a quick hug.
âHa! How did it go? Howâs my grandson?â John asked, making you all laugh.
âI see predictions have been made,â Andrew shook his head, laughing as he bent over to give his father a hug too.
âBets, you mean,â corrected Jon. âWeâre both rooting for a boy, but mam says itâs a girl.â
âI can feel it,â Raine nodded.
âAnd? Whoâs right, then?â asked John. âAnd is everything alright for you, pet?â
You nodded, a hand resting on your round belly out of habits.
âIâm fine. The baby is perfectly fine. Perfect heartbeat, perfect growth, perfect for everything!â
âOh! Thatâs amazing!â Raine sighed, taking your hand and giving it a warm squeeze.
âAnd? The gender? Boy or girl?â Jon insisted.
âWhat was the bet?â Andrew asked, clearly dragging it out.
âLosers will have to sit next to Finn at the next family gathering.â
You broke into laughter, while Andrew dramatically sighed.
âWell⌠Iâm afraid youâre up for a very boring afternoon, both you and da⌠causeâŚâ
âYouâre having a girl?!â Raine interrupted him, and you nodded.
She cried out, hurried to give you a tight hug.
âOh! That is wonderful! A little girl! Iâm going to have a granddaughter!â
You all hugged each other in turns, happy and laughing, sunshine coming from all your hearts and spreading through the room.
âOh! I saw this absolutely adorable little dress and tee the other day! They had little whales on them!â Raine exclaimed. âI have to get you the set, it was so pretty!â
Andrew laughed, wrapped an arm around his motherâs shoulder and kissed her head.
âThis girl is going to be so spoiled,â he joked.
Chapter 29: âVague as fog and looked for like mailâ
Hi, everyone! Hereâs a new chapter! Very sweet and tender. Weâre learning the babyâs gender! Did you guys guess right?
I hope you like this chapter! Tell me what you think!
****
Pairing: Hozier x fem!reader (professor!AU), Sequel to Love in Verses, dadzier.
Warnings: fluff (a disgusting amount), angst for secondary characters, smut so 18+ only There are no warnings concerning the pregnancy (no infertility issues, no miscarriage, only tooth-rotting fluff)
Summary: Your life is perfect. You're married to the love of your life, your career is thriving as you work at Trinity College, in Dublin. You've settled down with your husband, and it seems that life is perfect these days. And yet, there's a tugging at your heart whenever you see baby clothes, a longing for something more. What if you wanted to be a mother? Are you ready to let this new joy enter your life?
Word Count: 3317
Masterlist for the series â Hozierâs masterlist â Main masterlist
Youâre
Clownlike, happiest on your hands,  Â
Feet to the stars, and moon-skulled,  Â
Gilled like a fish. A common-sense  Â
Thumbs-down on the dodoâs mode.  Â
Wrapped up in yourself like a spool,  Â
Trawling your dark as owls do.  Â
Mute as a turnip from the Fourth  Â
Of July to All Foolsâ Day,
O high-riser, my little loaf.
Vague as fog and looked for like mail.  Â
Farther off than Australia.
Bent-backed Atlas, our traveled prawn.  Â
Snug as a bud and at home  Â
Like a sprat in a pickle jug.  Â
A creel of eels, all ripples.  Â
Jumpy as a Mexican bean.  Â
Right, like a well-done sum.  Â
A clean slate, with your own face on.
Sylvia Plath, Ariel, 1961
SiobhĂĄn and Alex were definitely broken up.
SiobhĂĄn had called you half-an-hour before. She told you about seeing Alex the previous night, how he apologised and finally gave her an explanation. How it wasnât enough, how he still claimed it was all for her, when she knew it wasnât. How she was moving on. How she felt stronger now, more like herself. You were happy for her, she deserved to feel empowered in a relationship, and Alex had clearly stirred her away from that, even if he hadnât meant to.
Of course, you had hoped that things would end well for these two, as their love was clearly earnest for each other. Still⌠sometimes love wasnât enough. It was a bitter reminder that love was a fragile thing, that it required foundations strong enough to survive earthquakes, and daily efforts to make it all worth fighting for.
You sat there at the breakfast table now with Andrew, quieter than usual. And maybe it was because of SiobhĂĄn, but really, deep down, you knew it was about you and Andrew.
You looked at him as he drank a gulp of coffee. All messy bun, dirty glasses and old brown hoodie, in the bright light of the lamp hanging from the ceiling, while the sky outside remained darkened with clouds heavy with rain. Soft and comfortable and safe. You watched as he roughly rubbed at his face, chasing away remnants of sleep, before yawning. Simple. Just himself.
Could this ever happen to the two of you? Drifting apart, breaking despite your love for each other?
Andrew blinked a couple of times before looking up at you, feeling your stare on him. He frowned at your expression.
âYouâre okay, honey?â
âYeah⌠sorry,â you tore yourself out of your thoughts with a jolt.
He heaved a sigh.
âWant to tell me what youâre thinking?â
You hesitated.
Could this happen to you?
If you stopped making efforts, of course, it could. But why would you stop making efforts, when⌠when there was no effort to begin with? It didnât feel like an effort to talk to him, to spend time with him, to understand him. It was natural, it was even a craving.
Andrew reached out for your hand, kissed the pulse point on the inside of your wrist.
âSiobhĂĄnâs going to be okay. She just needs time,â he reassured you.
âI know⌠I think she made the right choice, itâs justâŚâ
You let out a shaky breath.
âItâs scary, because I know they loved each other. And yet it still didnât work.â
âSometimes, loving someone isnât enough. A relationship, itâs not just about love. Itâs about choosing this person every day. Itâs about staying even when it gets hard. Itâs about knowing that this is the most important thing in your life, and not straying from it. Love is what glues it all together, but you canât neglect the rest of the pieces either.â
âItâs not going to happen to us, right?â
You were surprised when Andrew chuckled, looked at you as if you were saying something stupid.
âBabe⌠of course, it wonât happen to us. Weâre not like SiobhĂĄn and Alex.â
âThey loved each other. Genuinely.â
But Andrew shook his head.
âIâm choosing you every day. I will always choose you. Every day. Alex didnât.â
He heaved a sigh.
âI think SiobhĂĄnâs right. He started by wanting stability for her, and then he got caught up in that feeling, in touring, in wanting more, he left her behind. I wonât do that. I know what that feels like, to be left behind. Iâll never do that to you. And I think⌠I think we communicate better than them. We listen to each other. Besides⌠you know⌠youâre my best friend. Even if there wasnât⌠kisses or sex or anything involving romance, I would still love you, and I would still seek you out. Because youâre my best friend. Iâm not sure they had that kind of connection, beyond romance. You know what I mean? Even if you broke up with me, you would still be the person I would want to call to have a chat, the person I would want by my side for anything important or unimportant happening in my life. And that⌠thatâs special, I think. I donât know, maybe Iâm just projecting things onto them, butâŚâ
âNo⌠no, I think youâre right. Youâre my best friend too. And youâre right, even when weâre old and have lost all our libido⌠Iâll still seek your companionship, more than anything else. Itâs always been like that with you. Even if I crave the physical intimacy too, what I treasure the most is the time we spend together.â
You exchanged tender smiles.
âWeâre putting in the work, honey. Iâm okay with how things are, are you?â
You nodded.
âIâm happy with you. Very happy.â
Andrew gave your hand a squeeze, ending the conversation with a tender smile. He took a look at his phone, but found only a black screen.
He had sent Alex a text to check on him, after SiobhĂĄnâs call, but had received no answer. Alex hadnât called after leaving SiobhĂĄnâs place either. You hated the look of pain on your husbandâs face, and he noticed your feelings as he looked up at you again.
He gave you a sad smile.
âI guess⌠things arenât so good again between us after all, huh?â he let out in a loud exhale.
âIâm sorry, honey.â
âItâs okay. Weâll see how it goes.â
You rested your hand on your belly as you felt the baby kicking, the mood shifting instantly in the kitchen, growing warmer again.
âIs our angel moving around?â Andrew asked, beaming now.
âYep! And⌠that was my bladder, angel,â you told your baby, making Andrew laugh.
âI canât believe weâre going to know the gender in a few days⌠Days?! Do you realise that?!â
âNo⌠not really⌠But then again, I donât really care. Iâll love them the same.â
âMe too, of course. StillâŚâ
âYouâll be a wonderful father regardless.â
Andrew reached over the table to place a hand on the top of your belly, and you instantly covered his fingers with yours, keeping him there.
âI mean⌠I have a better understanding of being a boy, you know⌠Iâve been through it. Iâm a little worried I wonât be able to understand her as wellâŚâ
âYouâd be such a good da for a little girl. Youâll make her feel so safe.â
He blushed hard, and looked away to hide the emotions that were rising to his eyes.
âArgh! Youâre just saying that.â
âNo! I mean it! Sheâll have you wrapped around her little finger!â
You both laughed.
âItâll be the same for a little laddie,â he argued.
âTrue⌠Iâll be happy to have a boy too.â
âMe too. God⌠if itâs a girl, Iâll have to learn how to do braids and stuff⌠I have only two hair options, and they both involve a bun of some kind⌠Iâll have to up my game.â
You laughed at the slight panic in his eyes, warmth spreading across your chest.
âIâll coach you.â
âThanksâŚâ
âJust a few days left to wait.â
âThen, weâll choose their name!â
You exchanged a grin.
âI have my list ready,â said Andrew.
âReally?â
âOf course!â
âLet me guess⌠the number one is probably⌠some reference to a blues musician.â
âWrong⌠Itâs obviously Andrew junior.â
You burst into laughter.
âOh, sorry⌠forgot the egomaniac tendency for a secâŚâ
âYou should never underestimate me.â
âI thought we could call them⌠Parmesan, or⌠VinegarâŚâ
âJesus Christ, thatâs so much worse!â
You laughed, bright and happy and carefree, your hands joined above your little baby.
Andrew kept rubbing at his palm, despite your best efforts to soothe him. Not that you were surprised by his nerves, you felt the same mixture of excitement and dread. This ultrasound meant getting a picture of your baby, listening to their heartbeat, seeing them on the screen and learning if they were a boy or a girl⌠But it was also a check-up, aimed to detect any growth or health issue.
You felt your baby moving, giving a little kick, and you soothingly rested your hand over the spot.
âMrs. Y/L/N?â
You looked up as you were called, Andrew already on his feet and ready to follow the sonographer.
She let you lie down and get comfortable while she was getting the ultrasound ready. She asked you some basic questions as well, inquiring if you had encountered any issues in your pregnancy so far.
Once she was satisfied with your answers, she finally turned to the two of you.
âToday, weâre going to check the growth of your baby, check the heartbeat and we can also determine if itâs a boy or a girl⌠do you want to know?â
You both nodded.
âYes, weâd like to know,â Andrew answered, his voice slightly shaky.
âWould you like for the result to be sealed for a gender reveal orâŚâ
âNo, we want to know now,â you shook your head.
âAlright! Letâs get started, then! Ready to see your baby?â
You grinned at the midwife, nodding enthusiastically. You lifted up your tee-shirt, reached for Andrewâs hand while the sonographer asked if she could tuck some tissue paper around your waistband to protect your jeans. You nodded, your heart beating a thousand miles a minute.
âThis gel is still cold and sticky as hell⌠They havenât figured that out yet,â she joked, before applying a translucid gel to the probe she would use for the ultrasound.
She applied the gel across your tummy, and you still jumped a little despite her warning and having done this once before. The machine let out a beep after she pressed a button on the screen.
âAlright⌠here we go!â
She tapped on a keyboard, touched the screen a couple of times. And then, all of a sudden, a loud booming sound echoed through the room, deep and rhythmic, a quick pulse shaking your whole being.
The midwife smiled.
âThatâs your babyâs heartbeat. All normal, loud and clear.â
Andrew tightened his hold on your hand, and you exchanged a long, tender look. You could see he was holding back tears as well.
Ta-boom, ta-boom, ta-boomâŚ
Your babyâs heartbeatâŚ
âIâm making some measurements, real quick⌠but so far, everything seems normalâŚâ
You heaved a relieved sigh, looking at Andrew again. He gave you a reassuring smile. You knew what he meant.
Iâm here⌠everythingâs okayâŚ
âWe are at⌠23 cm for the baby⌠which is perfectly normal for the end of the fifth month. So far so good⌠but baby is not cooperating for me to check on the limbs properlyâŚâ
She turned to you, moved her chair closer.
âIâm going to press on your tummy to move the baby around. Itâs perfectly safe, but itâll be uncomfortable for you.â
You nodded, tightening your hold on Andrewâs hand as the sonographer pressed against the side of your round belly. Harder than you had anticipated. It wasnât painful, though⌠but definitely uncomfortable. You felt the baby kicking right against your bladder and you hoped you wouldnât have to tell the sonographer to stop to go to the toiletâŚ
The sonographer moved the probe again, pressed on the underside of your belly this time. But then, she let go and let out a satisfied hum.
âHa! Much better! Her legs and arms were all folded, it was hard to have a good viewâŚâ
âHer?!â
You interrupted the sonographer without thinking. You blinked to get the tears out of your eyes as you turned to Andrew, who was clearly not breathing as he stared at the doctor as well.
She smiled, turned the screen towards you.
Your baby was there, in black and white, in the weird picture left by the ultrasound, but you could see clearly little arms and legs, a headâŚ
âYes,â the sonographer nodded, âthatâs definitely a little girl there.â
You couldnât help the tears that rolled down your cheek as you stared at the screen.
âA girl? Youâre sure?â you heard Andrew asking in a shaky voice, but your eyes were glued to the screen.
âCertain! Congratulations!â
Andrew let out an aghast chuckle, holding your hand with both of his now.
âHer legs and arms are perfect! Her growth is perfectly on schedule! The placenta is perfectly attached, the umbilical cord is untangled and well-developed. All is well!â
You let out a relieved sigh as you brushed another tear away, staring at the screen, listening still to the thumping sound of your babyâs heartbeatâŚ
⌠your daughterâs heartbeat.
After getting some more measurements done, you were ready to leave. The sensation of the gel over your skin was sticky and uncomfortable, but you didnât pay any attention to it.
A girlâŚ
You followed Andrew around to the entrance desk to get the pictures and the results of the ultrasound. You let your husband take the lead to guide you through corridors, until you were outside again, under the sun.
A girlâŚ
You barely noticed when Andrew took a quick turn to the right, and aimed his steps towards the side of the building rather than the parking lot. You followed him though, your hand in his. You would have followed him anywhere anywayâŚ
He stopped once you were out of sight from the main gate, nobody around. He let out a shaky breath, turned to you with an aghast look on his face as he ran his fingers through his curls.
âA girl?â he breathed.
You realised he was shaking, but there was a bright smile growing across his lips, becoming more and more radiant as he seemed to finally let the news sink in.
You nodded, your own grin joining his.
âWeâre having a baby girl!â you nodded, covering your mouth as you let tears overwhelm you.
Andrew wrapped his arms around you, and you held him close, burying your face in his shoulder.
âWeâre going to have a daughter,â he breathed, laughing now as joy overflowed in his tall frame, as he couldnât contain such happiness in the space between his ribcage, he had to let it out somehow.
He cradled your face in his hand, tilting your head up so he could kiss you. Slow, loving, but with something desperate too. You felt the same, overexcitement making you giddy.
You remained in each otherâs arms for a long while, taking your time to let the news sink in. Andrewâs hand was back on your belly, he didnât even seem to have noticed his own gesture. You kissed some more, made aghast remarks every once in a while, but mostly just remained quiet, in a tight and safe embrace that soothed both of your worlds.
A girlâŚ
At long last, you went back to your car, holding hands and trying hard not to cry again. You were shaking slightly, feeling a little weak on your legs, and when you told so to Andrew, he wrapped a protective arm around your waist.
âWant to wait for me here? Iâll get the car.â
âNo, itâs okay⌠Iâm fine. I just⌠Iâm just so happy!â
He laughed, nodding.
âMe too. Iâm so happy tooâŚâ
You had barely fastened your seat belt that you took out your phone while Andrew was turning on the engines.
You tapped on SiobhĂĄnâs name on the screen, put her on speaker so Andrew would hear your conversation as well.
She picked up almost immediately.
âHey, you! How did it go?â
You grinned, trying to force the words out despite your throat tightening with emotions.
âGrand! Everythingâs normal, our baby is perfect, but that was to be expected.â
By your side, Andrew chuckled, shaking his head.
âSo⌠do you know the gender?â
You took a breath before answering.
âYeah⌠weâre having a girl!â
SiobhĂĄnâs shriek made both you and Andrew laugh.
âOh my God! Congratulations to both of you! Oh my God⌠Iâm having a niece!â
âThank you,â Andrew spoke loudly enough for her to hear.
âI need to go shopping⌠my God⌠Oh my GodâŚI need to go shopping right now! I need to go buy that tiny blue dress I saw the other day. It had little penguins on it! It was so CUTE! HAAAA!â
You laughed at your friend, your chest feeling warm and soft.
âDonât spoil her already!â
âOf course, Iâm going to spoil her! Sheâs my niece!â
You told her the details of the ultrasound, told her your daughter was healthy and well and everything was normal.
âYou deserve a good bath and some time relaxing now, that must be a lot of emotions for you,â she said as you were about to end the call.
You laughed.
âOh, I might do that tonight, yes⌠But weâre heading to Andrewâs parents now. When we told Rainey we had this appointment today, she told us to come by during the afternoon. Clearly, she canât wait to be a grandma!â you laughed.
âAlright, have fun with the in-laws then⌠but take some rest!â
âYes, mum.â
âVery funny! Alright, Iâll leave you to it, then. Love you!â
âLove you, SiobhĂĄn! Bye!â
âBye!â
âBye!â
You hung up, heaved a sigh. You reached for your bag again to get the snacks you had brought along, and munched on them for the rest of the drive, with a hand on Andrewâs thigh and happy music filling up the car.
Raine must have heard you parking the car before her house, because she opened the door when Andrew was opening your car door for you and helping you out of the vehicle.
You grinned at her when Raine excitedly joined her hands together, watching Andrew and you walking to her front door.
âSo? How did it go? Do you know if itâs a wee boy or girl?â
You laughed, kissed her cheek as you said hello, gave her a quick hug.
âEverythingâs fine,â Andrew reassured her.
He gave his mother a hug too, and she let you both inside.
John was sitting on the couch, a book in his hand, and Andrewâs brother was here too, greeting both of you with a quick hug.
âHa! How did it go? Howâs my grandson?â John asked, making you all laugh.
âI see predictions have been made,â Andrew shook his head, laughing as he bent over to give his father a hug too.
âBets, you mean,â corrected Jon. âWeâre both rooting for a boy, but mam says itâs a girl.â
âI can feel it,â Raine nodded.
âAnd? Whoâs right, then?â asked John. âAnd is everything alright for you, pet?â
You nodded, a hand resting on your round belly out of habits.
âIâm fine. The baby is perfectly fine. Perfect heartbeat, perfect growth, perfect for everything!â
âOh! Thatâs amazing!â Raine sighed, taking your hand and giving it a warm squeeze.
âAnd? The gender? Boy or girl?â Jon insisted.
âWhat was the bet?â Andrew asked, clearly dragging it out.
âLosers will have to sit next to Finn at the next family gathering.â
You broke into laughter, while Andrew dramatically sighed.
âWell⌠Iâm afraid youâre up for a very boring afternoon, both you and da⌠causeâŚâ
âYouâre having a girl?!â Raine interrupted him, and you nodded.
She cried out, hurried to give you a tight hug.
âOh! That is wonderful! A little girl! Iâm going to have a granddaughter!â
You all hugged each other in turns, happy and laughing, sunshine coming from all your hearts and spreading through the room.
âOh! I saw this absolutely adorable little dress and tee the other day! They had little whales on them!â Raine exclaimed. âI have to get you the set, it was so pretty!â
Andrew laughed, wrapped an arm around his motherâs shoulder and kissed her head.
âThis girl is going to be so spoiled,â he joked.
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Chapter 29: âVague as fog and looked for like mailâ
Hi, everyone! Hereâs a new chapter! Very sweet and tender. Weâre learning the babyâs gender! Did you guys guess right?
I hope you like this chapter! Tell me what you think!
****
Pairing: Hozier x fem!reader (professor!AU), Sequel to Love in Verses, dadzier.
Warnings: fluff (a disgusting amount), angst for secondary characters, smut so 18+ only There are no warnings concerning the pregnancy (no infertility issues, no miscarriage, only tooth-rotting fluff)
Summary: Your life is perfect. You're married to the love of your life, your career is thriving as you work at Trinity College, in Dublin. You've settled down with your husband, and it seems that life is perfect these days. And yet, there's a tugging at your heart whenever you see baby clothes, a longing for something more. What if you wanted to be a mother? Are you ready to let this new joy enter your life?
Word Count: 3317
Masterlist for the series â Hozierâs masterlist â Main masterlist
Youâre
Clownlike, happiest on your hands,  Â
Feet to the stars, and moon-skulled,  Â
Gilled like a fish. A common-sense  Â
Thumbs-down on the dodoâs mode.  Â
Wrapped up in yourself like a spool,  Â
Trawling your dark as owls do.  Â
Mute as a turnip from the Fourth  Â
Of July to All Foolsâ Day,
O high-riser, my little loaf.
Vague as fog and looked for like mail.  Â
Farther off than Australia.
Bent-backed Atlas, our traveled prawn.  Â
Snug as a bud and at home  Â
Like a sprat in a pickle jug.  Â
A creel of eels, all ripples.  Â
Jumpy as a Mexican bean.  Â
Right, like a well-done sum.  Â
A clean slate, with your own face on.
Sylvia Plath, Ariel, 1961
SiobhĂĄn and Alex were definitely broken up.
SiobhĂĄn had called you half-an-hour before. She told you about seeing Alex the previous night, how he apologised and finally gave her an explanation. How it wasnât enough, how he still claimed it was all for her, when she knew it wasnât. How she was moving on. How she felt stronger now, more like herself. You were happy for her, she deserved to feel empowered in a relationship, and Alex had clearly stirred her away from that, even if he hadnât meant to.
Of course, you had hoped that things would end well for these two, as their love was clearly earnest for each other. Still⌠sometimes love wasnât enough. It was a bitter reminder that love was a fragile thing, that it required foundations strong enough to survive earthquakes, and daily efforts to make it all worth fighting for.
You sat there at the breakfast table now with Andrew, quieter than usual. And maybe it was because of SiobhĂĄn, but really, deep down, you knew it was about you and Andrew.
You looked at him as he drank a gulp of coffee. All messy bun, dirty glasses and old brown hoodie, in the bright light of the lamp hanging from the ceiling, while the sky outside remained darkened with clouds heavy with rain. Soft and comfortable and safe. You watched as he roughly rubbed at his face, chasing away remnants of sleep, before yawning. Simple. Just himself.
Could this ever happen to the two of you? Drifting apart, breaking despite your love for each other?
Andrew blinked a couple of times before looking up at you, feeling your stare on him. He frowned at your expression.
âYouâre okay, honey?â
âYeah⌠sorry,â you tore yourself out of your thoughts with a jolt.
He heaved a sigh.
âWant to tell me what youâre thinking?â
You hesitated.
Could this happen to you?
If you stopped making efforts, of course, it could. But why would you stop making efforts, when⌠when there was no effort to begin with? It didnât feel like an effort to talk to him, to spend time with him, to understand him. It was natural, it was even a craving.
Andrew reached out for your hand, kissed the pulse point on the inside of your wrist.
âSiobhĂĄnâs going to be okay. She just needs time,â he reassured you.
âI know⌠I think she made the right choice, itâs justâŚâ
You let out a shaky breath.
âItâs scary, because I know they loved each other. And yet it still didnât work.â
âSometimes, loving someone isnât enough. A relationship, itâs not just about love. Itâs about choosing this person every day. Itâs about staying even when it gets hard. Itâs about knowing that this is the most important thing in your life, and not straying from it. Love is what glues it all together, but you canât neglect the rest of the pieces either.â
âItâs not going to happen to us, right?â
You were surprised when Andrew chuckled, looked at you as if you were saying something stupid.
âBabe⌠of course, it wonât happen to us. Weâre not like SiobhĂĄn and Alex.â
âThey loved each other. Genuinely.â
But Andrew shook his head.
âIâm choosing you every day. I will always choose you. Every day. Alex didnât.â
He heaved a sigh.
âI think SiobhĂĄnâs right. He started by wanting stability for her, and then he got caught up in that feeling, in touring, in wanting more, he left her behind. I wonât do that. I know what that feels like, to be left behind. Iâll never do that to you. And I think⌠I think we communicate better than them. We listen to each other. Besides⌠you know⌠youâre my best friend. Even if there wasnât⌠kisses or sex or anything involving romance, I would still love you, and I would still seek you out. Because youâre my best friend. Iâm not sure they had that kind of connection, beyond romance. You know what I mean? Even if you broke up with me, you would still be the person I would want to call to have a chat, the person I would want by my side for anything important or unimportant happening in my life. And that⌠thatâs special, I think. I donât know, maybe Iâm just projecting things onto them, butâŚâ
âNo⌠no, I think youâre right. Youâre my best friend too. And youâre right, even when weâre old and have lost all our libido⌠Iâll still seek your companionship, more than anything else. Itâs always been like that with you. Even if I crave the physical intimacy too, what I treasure the most is the time we spend together.â
You exchanged tender smiles.
âWeâre putting in the work, honey. Iâm okay with how things are, are you?â
You nodded.
âIâm happy with you. Very happy.â
Andrew gave your hand a squeeze, ending the conversation with a tender smile. He took a look at his phone, but found only a black screen.
He had sent Alex a text to check on him, after SiobhĂĄnâs call, but had received no answer. Alex hadnât called after leaving SiobhĂĄnâs place either. You hated the look of pain on your husbandâs face, and he noticed your feelings as he looked up at you again.
He gave you a sad smile.
âI guess⌠things arenât so good again between us after all, huh?â he let out in a loud exhale.
âIâm sorry, honey.â
âItâs okay. Weâll see how it goes.â
You rested your hand on your belly as you felt the baby kicking, the mood shifting instantly in the kitchen, growing warmer again.
âIs our angel moving around?â Andrew asked, beaming now.
âYep! And⌠that was my bladder, angel,â you told your baby, making Andrew laugh.
âI canât believe weâre going to know the gender in a few days⌠Days?! Do you realise that?!â
âNo⌠not really⌠But then again, I donât really care. Iâll love them the same.â
âMe too, of course. StillâŚâ
âYouâll be a wonderful father regardless.â
Andrew reached over the table to place a hand on the top of your belly, and you instantly covered his fingers with yours, keeping him there.
âI mean⌠I have a better understanding of being a boy, you know⌠Iâve been through it. Iâm a little worried I wonât be able to understand her as wellâŚâ
âYouâd be such a good da for a little girl. Youâll make her feel so safe.â
He blushed hard, and looked away to hide the emotions that were rising to his eyes.
âArgh! Youâre just saying that.â
âNo! I mean it! Sheâll have you wrapped around her little finger!â
You both laughed.
âItâll be the same for a little laddie,â he argued.
âTrue⌠Iâll be happy to have a boy too.â
âMe too. God⌠if itâs a girl, Iâll have to learn how to do braids and stuff⌠I have only two hair options, and they both involve a bun of some kind⌠Iâll have to up my game.â
You laughed at the slight panic in his eyes, warmth spreading across your chest.
âIâll coach you.â
âThanksâŚâ
âJust a few days left to wait.â
âThen, weâll choose their name!â
You exchanged a grin.
âI have my list ready,â said Andrew.
âReally?â
âOf course!â
âLet me guess⌠the number one is probably⌠some reference to a blues musician.â
âWrong⌠Itâs obviously Andrew junior.â
You burst into laughter.
âOh, sorry⌠forgot the egomaniac tendency for a secâŚâ
âYou should never underestimate me.â
âI thought we could call them⌠Parmesan, or⌠VinegarâŚâ
âJesus Christ, thatâs so much worse!â
You laughed, bright and happy and carefree, your hands joined above your little baby.
Andrew kept rubbing at his palm, despite your best efforts to soothe him. Not that you were surprised by his nerves, you felt the same mixture of excitement and dread. This ultrasound meant getting a picture of your baby, listening to their heartbeat, seeing them on the screen and learning if they were a boy or a girl⌠But it was also a check-up, aimed to detect any growth or health issue.
You felt your baby moving, giving a little kick, and you soothingly rested your hand over the spot.
âMrs. Y/L/N?â
You looked up as you were called, Andrew already on his feet and ready to follow the sonographer.
She let you lie down and get comfortable while she was getting the ultrasound ready. She asked you some basic questions as well, inquiring if you had encountered any issues in your pregnancy so far.
Once she was satisfied with your answers, she finally turned to the two of you.
âToday, weâre going to check the growth of your baby, check the heartbeat and we can also determine if itâs a boy or a girl⌠do you want to know?â
You both nodded.
âYes, weâd like to know,â Andrew answered, his voice slightly shaky.
âWould you like for the result to be sealed for a gender reveal orâŚâ
âNo, we want to know now,â you shook your head.
âAlright! Letâs get started, then! Ready to see your baby?â
You grinned at the midwife, nodding enthusiastically. You lifted up your tee-shirt, reached for Andrewâs hand while the sonographer asked if she could tuck some tissue paper around your waistband to protect your jeans. You nodded, your heart beating a thousand miles a minute.
âThis gel is still cold and sticky as hell⌠They havenât figured that out yet,â she joked, before applying a translucid gel to the probe she would use for the ultrasound.
She applied the gel across your tummy, and you still jumped a little despite her warning and having done this once before. The machine let out a beep after she pressed a button on the screen.
âAlright⌠here we go!â
She tapped on a keyboard, touched the screen a couple of times. And then, all of a sudden, a loud booming sound echoed through the room, deep and rhythmic, a quick pulse shaking your whole being.
The midwife smiled.
âThatâs your babyâs heartbeat. All normal, loud and clear.â
Andrew tightened his hold on your hand, and you exchanged a long, tender look. You could see he was holding back tears as well.
Ta-boom, ta-boom, ta-boomâŚ
Your babyâs heartbeatâŚ
âIâm making some measurements, real quick⌠but so far, everything seems normalâŚâ
You heaved a relieved sigh, looking at Andrew again. He gave you a reassuring smile. You knew what he meant.
Iâm here⌠everythingâs okayâŚ
âWe are at⌠23 cm for the baby⌠which is perfectly normal for the end of the fifth month. So far so good⌠but baby is not cooperating for me to check on the limbs properlyâŚâ
She turned to you, moved her chair closer.
âIâm going to press on your tummy to move the baby around. Itâs perfectly safe, but itâll be uncomfortable for you.â
You nodded, tightening your hold on Andrewâs hand as the sonographer pressed against the side of your round belly. Harder than you had anticipated. It wasnât painful, though⌠but definitely uncomfortable. You felt the baby kicking right against your bladder and you hoped you wouldnât have to tell the sonographer to stop to go to the toiletâŚ
The sonographer moved the probe again, pressed on the underside of your belly this time. But then, she let go and let out a satisfied hum.
âHa! Much better! Her legs and arms were all folded, it was hard to have a good viewâŚâ
âHer?!â
You interrupted the sonographer without thinking. You blinked to get the tears out of your eyes as you turned to Andrew, who was clearly not breathing as he stared at the doctor as well.
She smiled, turned the screen towards you.
Your baby was there, in black and white, in the weird picture left by the ultrasound, but you could see clearly little arms and legs, a headâŚ
âYes,â the sonographer nodded, âthatâs definitely a little girl there.â
You couldnât help the tears that rolled down your cheek as you stared at the screen.
âA girl? Youâre sure?â you heard Andrew asking in a shaky voice, but your eyes were glued to the screen.
âCertain! Congratulations!â
Andrew let out an aghast chuckle, holding your hand with both of his now.
âHer legs and arms are perfect! Her growth is perfectly on schedule! The placenta is perfectly attached, the umbilical cord is untangled and well-developed. All is well!â
You let out a relieved sigh as you brushed another tear away, staring at the screen, listening still to the thumping sound of your babyâs heartbeatâŚ
⌠your daughterâs heartbeat.
After getting some more measurements done, you were ready to leave. The sensation of the gel over your skin was sticky and uncomfortable, but you didnât pay any attention to it.
A girlâŚ
You followed Andrew around to the entrance desk to get the pictures and the results of the ultrasound. You let your husband take the lead to guide you through corridors, until you were outside again, under the sun.
A girlâŚ
You barely noticed when Andrew took a quick turn to the right, and aimed his steps towards the side of the building rather than the parking lot. You followed him though, your hand in his. You would have followed him anywhere anywayâŚ
He stopped once you were out of sight from the main gate, nobody around. He let out a shaky breath, turned to you with an aghast look on his face as he ran his fingers through his curls.
âA girl?â he breathed.
You realised he was shaking, but there was a bright smile growing across his lips, becoming more and more radiant as he seemed to finally let the news sink in.
You nodded, your own grin joining his.
âWeâre having a baby girl!â you nodded, covering your mouth as you let tears overwhelm you.
Andrew wrapped his arms around you, and you held him close, burying your face in his shoulder.
âWeâre going to have a daughter,â he breathed, laughing now as joy overflowed in his tall frame, as he couldnât contain such happiness in the space between his ribcage, he had to let it out somehow.
He cradled your face in his hand, tilting your head up so he could kiss you. Slow, loving, but with something desperate too. You felt the same, overexcitement making you giddy.
You remained in each otherâs arms for a long while, taking your time to let the news sink in. Andrewâs hand was back on your belly, he didnât even seem to have noticed his own gesture. You kissed some more, made aghast remarks every once in a while, but mostly just remained quiet, in a tight and safe embrace that soothed both of your worlds.
A girlâŚ
At long last, you went back to your car, holding hands and trying hard not to cry again. You were shaking slightly, feeling a little weak on your legs, and when you told so to Andrew, he wrapped a protective arm around your waist.
âWant to wait for me here? Iâll get the car.â
âNo, itâs okay⌠Iâm fine. I just⌠Iâm just so happy!â
He laughed, nodding.
âMe too. Iâm so happy tooâŚâ
You had barely fastened your seat belt that you took out your phone while Andrew was turning on the engines.
You tapped on SiobhĂĄnâs name on the screen, put her on speaker so Andrew would hear your conversation as well.
She picked up almost immediately.
âHey, you! How did it go?â
You grinned, trying to force the words out despite your throat tightening with emotions.
âGrand! Everythingâs normal, our baby is perfect, but that was to be expected.â
By your side, Andrew chuckled, shaking his head.
âSo⌠do you know the gender?â
You took a breath before answering.
âYeah⌠weâre having a girl!â
SiobhĂĄnâs shriek made both you and Andrew laugh.
âOh my God! Congratulations to both of you! Oh my God⌠Iâm having a niece!â
âThank you,â Andrew spoke loudly enough for her to hear.
âI need to go shopping⌠my God⌠Oh my GodâŚI need to go shopping right now! I need to go buy that tiny blue dress I saw the other day. It had little penguins on it! It was so CUTE! HAAAA!â
You laughed at your friend, your chest feeling warm and soft.
âDonât spoil her already!â
âOf course, Iâm going to spoil her! Sheâs my niece!â
You told her the details of the ultrasound, told her your daughter was healthy and well and everything was normal.
âYou deserve a good bath and some time relaxing now, that must be a lot of emotions for you,â she said as you were about to end the call.
You laughed.
âOh, I might do that tonight, yes⌠But weâre heading to Andrewâs parents now. When we told Rainey we had this appointment today, she told us to come by during the afternoon. Clearly, she canât wait to be a grandma!â you laughed.
âAlright, have fun with the in-laws then⌠but take some rest!â
âYes, mum.â
âVery funny! Alright, Iâll leave you to it, then. Love you!â
âLove you, SiobhĂĄn! Bye!â
âBye!â
âBye!â
You hung up, heaved a sigh. You reached for your bag again to get the snacks you had brought along, and munched on them for the rest of the drive, with a hand on Andrewâs thigh and happy music filling up the car.
Raine must have heard you parking the car before her house, because she opened the door when Andrew was opening your car door for you and helping you out of the vehicle.
You grinned at her when Raine excitedly joined her hands together, watching Andrew and you walking to her front door.
âSo? How did it go? Do you know if itâs a wee boy or girl?â
You laughed, kissed her cheek as you said hello, gave her a quick hug.
âEverythingâs fine,â Andrew reassured her.
He gave his mother a hug too, and she let you both inside.
John was sitting on the couch, a book in his hand, and Andrewâs brother was here too, greeting both of you with a quick hug.
âHa! How did it go? Howâs my grandson?â John asked, making you all laugh.
âI see predictions have been made,â Andrew shook his head, laughing as he bent over to give his father a hug too.
âBets, you mean,â corrected Jon. âWeâre both rooting for a boy, but mam says itâs a girl.â
âI can feel it,â Raine nodded.
âAnd? Whoâs right, then?â asked John. âAnd is everything alright for you, pet?â
You nodded, a hand resting on your round belly out of habits.
âIâm fine. The baby is perfectly fine. Perfect heartbeat, perfect growth, perfect for everything!â
âOh! Thatâs amazing!â Raine sighed, taking your hand and giving it a warm squeeze.
âAnd? The gender? Boy or girl?â Jon insisted.
âWhat was the bet?â Andrew asked, clearly dragging it out.
âLosers will have to sit next to Finn at the next family gathering.â
You broke into laughter, while Andrew dramatically sighed.
âWell⌠Iâm afraid youâre up for a very boring afternoon, both you and da⌠causeâŚâ
âYouâre having a girl?!â Raine interrupted him, and you nodded.
She cried out, hurried to give you a tight hug.
âOh! That is wonderful! A little girl! Iâm going to have a granddaughter!â
You all hugged each other in turns, happy and laughing, sunshine coming from all your hearts and spreading through the room.
âOh! I saw this absolutely adorable little dress and tee the other day! They had little whales on them!â Raine exclaimed. âI have to get you the set, it was so pretty!â
Andrew laughed, wrapped an arm around his motherâs shoulder and kissed her head.
âThis girl is going to be so spoiled,â he joked.
Your life is perfect. You're married to the love of your life, your career is thriving as you work at Trinity College, in Dublin. You've settled down with your husband, and it seems that life is perfect these days. And yet, there's a tugging at your heart whenever you see baby clothes, a longing for something more. What if you wanted to be a mother? Are you ready to let this new joy enter your life?
Pairing : Hozier x fem!reader
Professor! AU - This is a sequel to my fic Love in Verses.
Warnings: fluff (a disgusting amount), angst for secondary characters, smut so 18+ only
There are no warnings concerning the pregnancy (no infertility issues, no miscarriage, only tooth-rotting fluff)
The entirety of the fic is already written, chapters posted twice a week, every Monday and Friday!
Chapter 1: âI love you. Iâm glad I exist.â
Chapter 2 : âWhen I came here first, you were always singingâ
Chapter 3: âAnd, for me, the whole of you has been transformed into feelingâ
Chapter 4: âImpossible to silence it. It weeps for distant things.â
Chapter 5Â : âMaybe death isn't darkness, after all, but so much light wrapping itself around us â as soft as feathers âthat we are instantly weary of looking, and looking, and shut our eyesâ
Chapter 6: âThe odor of acid and the little, pitiless tragedy of being imaginedâ
Chapter 7: âSo as not to be the martyred slaves of time, be drunk, be continually drunk! On wine, on poetry or on virtue as you wish.â
Chapter 8: âStill, as the old year tips into the new, I insist on the infant hope, gooing and kicking his legs in the air.â
Chapter 9: âThings fall apart; the centre cannot hold; mere anarchy is loosed upon the worldâ
Chapter 10: âJust like moons and like suns, with the certainty of tides, just like hopes springing high, still I'll rise.â
Chapter 11: âUpon waking on the kitchen counter I find a half grapefruit carefully cut and sectioned.â
Chapter 12: âThe nurse a passenger in front, you ensconced in her vacated corner seat, me flat on my back â our postures all the journey still the sameâ
Chapter 13: âWhatever happens with us, your body will haunt mineâ
Chapter 14: âTo whom I owe the leaping delight that quickens my senses in our wakingtimeâ
Chapter 15: âAnd everything is perfectly still until you catch the sound of something lost and shy beating its wings against those darkening stars. And then: music.â
Chapter 16: âSweetheart when you break thru youâll find a poet hereâ
Chapter 17: âNovel unbegun, half-loaf risingâ
Chapter 18 : âIn the morning glad I see ; my foe outrestched beneath the tree.â
Chapter 19: âShe says to him, Listen to the little birdies, and he listens to the common sparrows talking in the hedge. He listens as they argue back and forth, their dialect of natureâ
Chapter 20Â : âBut to prevent the sad increase of hopeless love, I keep away.â
Chapter 21: âAnd you think the hole in the universe, caused by the emission of your grief, is so deep it will never be rectifiedâ
Chapter 22: âI'm a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that's me.â
Chapter 23: âDrink one last pull of starlight straight from the bottleâ
Chapter 24: âAnd we discovered there love had the feather and muscle of wings and had come to live with us, a brother of fire and airâ
Chapter 25: âBut this dedication is for others to read: these are private words addressed to you in public.â
Chapter 26: âNever fear. We may let the scaffolds fall confident that we have built our wall.â
Chapter 27: âBut Mitski in my speakers pulls me back to earth she keeps my hands on the wheel when I want and I so often want to dieâ
Chapter 28: âI know what my heart is like since your love died: it is like a hollow ledge holding a little poolâ
Chapter 29: âVague as fog and looked for like mailâ
Chapter 30: âThat sea with the open arms of perennial youth where my Hope alightsâ
Chapter 31: âThat spring will be a green havocâ
Chapter 32: âIf your hands were in mine Iâd be sure weâd not severâ
Chapter 33: âThen someone lifted you up, and there was a sound, and they laid you on me, breathing.â
Chapter 34: âHer eyes are Neruda's two dark pools at twilightâ
Chapter 35: âYou are her soft miracle. So she gave you her eyes to see the best in the worst.â
Chapter 36: âEvery finger shall have its ring and there won't be a single place dark or unhappyâ
Chapter 37: âA day is long and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleepâ
Chapter 38: âNach mĂłr ĂŠ an taitneamh mo stĂłirĂn ina leaba ina chodladh gan bhrĂłnâ
Chapter 39: âNo one else will travel through the shadows with me, only you, evergreen, ever sun, ever moonâ
Chapter 40: âWhat does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is starry and she is not with me.â
Chapter 41: âI'd rather have the dream of you with faint stars glowingâ
Chapter 42: âHer breath in mine, our fluent dipping knives â never closer the whole rest of our lives.â
Chapter 43: âI think I like myself a little brokenâ
Chapter 44: âSo I imagine such love of the world â its fervency, its shining, its innocence and hunger to give of itself â I imagine this is how it began.â
Chapter 45: âIâm your guide here. In the evening-dark morning streets, I point and name.â
Chapter 46: âTake my hand. Stand by the window. I want to show you what is hidden in this ordinary.â
Chapter 47: âAnd, what is more, you seemed to know, although you are so small, that I was there, with eager arms, to save you from a fall.â
Chapter 48: âThe world is at least fifty percent terrible, and thatâs a conservative estimate, though I keep this from my children.â
Chapter 49: âBefore the kite plunges down into the wood and this line goes useless take in your two hands, boys, and feel the strumming, rooted, long-tailed pull of grief. You were born fit for it.â
Chapter 50: âAnd if you missed a day, there was always the next, and if you missed a year, it didnât matter, the hills werenât going anywhere, the thyme and rosemary kept coming back, the sun kept rising, the bushes kept bearing fruitâ
Chapter 51: âEven in another timeâ
Chapter 52: âAnd that orange, it made me happy. As ordinary things often do just lately.â
Chapter 28: âI know what my heart is like since your love died: it is like a hollow ledge holding a little poolâ
Hi, everyone! Hereâs a new chapter! Sorry for the late update, that cold/flu was no jokeâŚ
I hope you like this chapter! Tell me what you think!
****
Pairing: Hozier x fem!reader (professor!AU), Sequel to Love in Verses, dadzier.
Warnings: fluff (a disgusting amount), angst for secondary characters, smut so 18+ only There are no warnings concerning the pregnancy (no infertility issues, no miscarriage, only tooth-rotting fluff)
Summary: Your life is perfect. You're married to the love of your life, your career is thriving as you work at Trinity College, in Dublin. You've settled down with your husband, and it seems that life is perfect these days. And yet, there's a tugging at your heart whenever you see baby clothes, a longing for something more. What if you wanted to be a mother? Are you ready to let this new joy enter your life?
Word Count: 4031
Masterlist for the series â Hozierâs masterlist â Main masterlist
Ebb
I know what my heart is like
      Since your love died:
It is like a hollow ledge
Holding a little pool
      Left there by the tide,
      A little tepid pool,
Drying inward from the edge.
Edna St Vincent Millay
Alex and Andy werenât back to normal by any means, but they were okay, and that was already something.
After that afternoon at Katieâs, they texted throughout the next week. Nothing going too deep, but Andrew gave Alex some updates on you and the baby, and Alex told him about these regular gigs he got signed for around Dublin. When Andrew laughed at some stupid memes Alex had sent him, your heart filled with warmth. Maybe they wouldnât go back to how things were before⌠but Andrew was happier with his friend in his life, and you were too.
Your second ultrasound was planned in just ten days. The five months mark was getting closer, your belly now swollen and starting to get in the way of your daily tasks. You were annoyed by it sometimes, but then youâd look down at the round shape, and all traces of anger would be gone.
Your body was changing though. At an incredible speed. You felt like you were barely getting used to a change and then another occurred. You had started using some oil to avoid stretch marks, but it didnât seem very efficient, the lines becoming more and more obvious as your skin stretched too fast. Your back was aching with the extra weight you had to carry. It was harder to bend down. However, you were beginning to get that pregnancy super-strength, thanks to the extra testosterone, and you had to admit that looking at Andrewâs surprised expression while you opened a jar he couldnât get open was very satisfying.
âNow more than ever⌠remind me to stay on your good side, loveâŚâ
But he didnât have to worry about being on your good side. The way he cared for you spoke volume. Maybe he was a little too worried sometimes, but you couldnât blame him. You did enjoy riling him up so easily these days thoughâŚ
âWhat the fuck do you think youâre about to do?!â
You turned to him, all innocent. You wanted to reach these cookies that were in the upper cupboards (and that you could totally reach just by getting on your tiptoes), but when Andrew had walked in the kitchen, you feigned to use a chair to grab your snack.
You pushed the chair before the cupboards.
âItâs too high, and it hurts my back to reach upâŚâ
But Andrew took the chair and put it back around the table.
âAre you out of your mind?! Youâre not standing on a chair, thatâs dangerous!â
You wanted to roll your eyes, but you couldnât, using all your strength to refrain your laughter.
He cursed under his breath.
âWhat do you want in that cupboard anyway, likeâŚ?â
âThe cookies.â
âAre you hungry? You want to eat early tonight?â
âNo⌠I just want cookies.â
He picked up the snacks, handed them to you.
âLook⌠you have a tall husband⌠for once, my height is actually useful, and not a mere hazard against doorframes and lamps. So, please⌠if you need something, you ask me, okay?â
You couldnât refrain your laughter anymore.
âI wasnât going to get on the chair, I just wanted to rile you up!â you confessed, making him roll his eyes. âDid it work, then?â
âOh, it definitely did, yes⌠Jesus Christ, I saw my life flashing before my eyes when I thought you were going to climb on that thingâŚâ
You laughed as you took a cookie and then a bite. Andrew stole one from you, even if he was still annoyed at your antics. You were about to tease him some more when you felt something in your stomach. Or⌠in your belly⌠you couldnât quite define what but it was unusual, for sure. It wasnât the usual movement you felt sometimes, it was stronger.
Your face dropped, and you put down the cookies, reaching a hand to your stomach. Andrewâs frown deepened, this time out of worry.
âYouâre okay?â
You shook your head.
âI donât know⌠I got a weird feelingâŚâ
âAre you in pain?â
âNo⌠it was justâŚâ
You felt it again. Like something pushing against your skin from the inside, a little bit likeâŚ
Your expression changed from fear to absolute happiness.
âOh, my GodâŚâ
âWhat?!â
âI think⌠I think Iâve just felt the baby kicking! Like⌠a proper kick!â
Andrewâs face broke into the brightest of grins.
âReally?â
You reached for his hand, slipped it under your large t-shirt and against your skin, trying to place his palm around the area where you had felt the kicking.
It happened again, and this time, Andrew let out a breathy, aghast laugh.
âI felt it, too!â he grinned, tears in his eyes.
âOur babyâs kicking! Do you feel that?â
Andrew nodded, a laughter bubbling past his lips.
âWow⌠my little babyâs kicking!â
He knelt before you, lifted your tee so he could press his lips against your skin. He giggled when he felt the kicking again, against his chin.
âYouâre moving around a lot, huh? My little angelâŚâ
His voice was so soft, deep, low, a rumble of soothing words⌠you felt your body liquifying at the sound. He peppered kisses across your belly, making you giggle while you ran your fingers through his hair. He kissed the stretch marks, too, lingered on them, actually. They still felt strange to you, but he soothed some of your anxiety, at least.
âOh! That was a strong one!â he laughed, as he felt another kick.
âI think they want more cookie.â
âThey want more cookie, or you do?â
âWe both do.â
Andrew laughed, but didnât move from his spot on the ground. He rested his cheek against your belly, closed his eyes, mumbled sweet words into your skin.
âI love you so much, my little angelâŚâ
You were on your way to kick Andrewâs arse at chess when your phone rang. It was late in the afternoon already, Elwood was playing with his toys, or sometimes looking for scratches from Andrew. That was your husbandâs excuse for losing this afternoon, but you reckon the reason had more to do with his busy head. Andrew was getting worried over the next ultrasound, and he had an important lecture to give at a conference just two weeks away. Which meant that he had to travel to Boston, he would stay there for a full week. The thought of leaving you alone here, while pregnant, was turning his nights into insomnias. You had told him not to worry, that you would be fine, that his parents and brother had already planned to keep an eye on you. Still⌠Andrewâs mind kept on overthinking.
He handed you your phone without a second thought, not bothering checking who was calling as he focused on the game at end, trying to choose his next move.
You smiled as your best friendâs name lit up the screen.
âHey, you!â
âHey, Y/N⌠Can I talk to you for a sec?â
You frowned, recognising her tone. There was something wrongâŚ
You thought of that voicemail Alex had left for her the previous week. She had called that night, panicking, and told you she was going to erase the voicemails.
Clearly, she hadnât.
âIâve made a mistake. Something terribly stupidâŚâ
You heaved a sigh.
âYou listened to Alexâs voicemails?â
âHow do you know?â
âI know you. I was certain you wouldnât erase them.â
âYeah⌠why am I so weakâŚ?â
âYouâre not weak. So⌠the voicemails?â
Andrew looked up at you, clearly understanding very well the situation. He moved one of his puns over the board, and then stared at you, his chin resting on his palm while he tried to get crumbs of the conversation.
âIt was⌠a lot.â
She heaved a sigh, sniffled.
âHe apologised, and he⌠he said that⌠he got so obsessed with his job because he wanted to have⌠a proper career for me, so we would have stability for our family andâŚâ
Her voice broke.
âI didnât understand⌠at the time, I really didnât understand that this was what he was going through, that he was putting so much weight on his own shoulders, that he was under so much pressure just because he didnât fucking open his mouth and talked to me andâŚâ
She blew her nose before resuming with a sigh.
âHe said Iâm the love of his life⌠Christ Y/N⌠I was doing better⌠why is he doing this to me now?!â
You let out a long breath.
âHe apologised to Andy too⌠theyâve been talking again.â
âGood⌠I mean⌠I want to rip his heart out, but good, I guessâŚâ
âWhat are you going to do?â
âGonna block his number, obviously.â
A short silence, you were wearing a sad smile when you answered.
âYou should call him. Text him to meet up instead. You two need to talk face to face.â
âAbsolutely not. Iâm gonna block him. I donât even know why Iâm calling you, cause thereâs nothing to say. Iâm gonna block him.â
Before you could get another word out, SiobhĂĄn had hung up.
âSo?â Andrew asked before you had time to put down your phone.
You heaved a sigh, rested a hand on your belly.
âShe said sheâll block him, but I know her. Sheâs gonna call him.â
âDo you think theyâll be fine?â
âI donât know⌠I hope so⌠If not, I hope they get closure, at least. AnywayâŚâ
 You moved your queen across the board.
âCheckmate!â
SiobhĂĄn did not block Alexâs number.
She did not call him either. She sent him a text telling him to come to her apartment that night.
Their apartment, technically. The one that screamed with silence, with all the pieces missing since Alex had left. It felt empty without him.
It took Alex less than two minutes to answer that he would be there. Now, SiobhĂĄn wasnât certain why she was picking her clothes carefully, why she had styled her hair and put on some make-up. To show him that she was fine and did not need him, for sure. It couldnât be that she was nervous, that she wanted him to find her prettyâŚ
When the doorbell rang, she could barely breathe. All of a sudden, she wanted him to leave, she wanted to be alone, she wantedâŚ
She opened the door, found Alex on the threshold. He had a bouquet of her favourite flowers in his hands.
Her favouriteâŚ
âHey,â he breathed.
He looked at her like a deer caught in headlights, eyes wide and almost scared. He blinked, his eyes raked her frame, like he couldnât help it. He blushed as he caught her gaze again.
âThese are for you,â he awkwardly added, handing her the flowers.
âThank you⌠you shouldnât have.â
He looked sharp, too. But he also looked thinner, his hair longer, his skin paler.
âYou look like shit,â she pointed out, taking the flowers from him.
He smiled.
âYou look beautiful.â
She let her lips part. Just like that⌠that was all it took, really? To bring her back to this longing, to this love, to him�
But then again, she looked into his eyes, and she recognised him. No⌠no, it wasnât that simple, it hadnât been for a while.
âCan I come in?â
She jumped, realising they hadnât moved away from the door, and she nodded, hurrying inside. She busied herself with putting the flowers in a vase. Red marigolds⌠her favourite, they looked divine⌠she let her fingers graze the petals.
Alex took off his shoes, she heard him move across the apartment. She shook herself.
âDo you want a drink?â
âIâm fine⌠thanks.â
She took a deep breath, walked back into the living room. She needed to be strong. She needed him out of her life, sheâŚ
⌠she stared at him, standing there, and all she wanted was to kiss him and hold him tightly, and never let him go again.
But then again, she also wanted him to disappear forever.
âHow are you these days?â he asked, and she knew he meant the question, that his worry was earnest.
âIâm good. Busy with work, you know how it isâŚâ
She winced. She didnât mean it like that, didnât mean to say something against him⌠he seemed to understand though, because he smiled, burying his hands in his pockets.
âGrand.â
âHow are you?â
He chuckled.
âI should say Iâm okay.â
âYou canât lie to me.â
âNo⌠no, I canât.â
She looked down at her feet.
âIâm not too good either, you know?â
He let out a shaking breath, but she heaved a frustrated sigh. Anger was taking over again. How could she still feel love for this man? After all that she had been throughâŚ
No, no this wasnât right. She wasnât so weak, had never been. And if the weeks spent without him had taught her something, it was that she had changed at the end of their relationship, and not in a good way. She wasnât the type to wait on someone, to let him take her strength away, to have her begging for crumbs. She was strong, and whole, and bruised, maybe, yes, but⌠but she deserved better than the way he had treated her for a long while. She hardened her heart as she stared at him, and her tone was sharp when she spoke again.
âWhy did you want to talk anyway? I reckon that everything was said⌠what were these voicemails, even? Huh? Like⌠you canât pull up these stunts on meâŚâ
She brushed a tear away, crossed her arms before her chest.
Alex stared at her for a moment, and then he spoke. She stared at him while he laid down his heart before her, right at her feet. He was calm, earnest, even if he was clearly hurting. She would have preferred for him to grow angry, frustrated, to match her anger⌠it would have meant she could have easily moved on, thenâŚ
âWhen we broke up, I got into a terrible fight with Andy. Donât know if Y/N told you about it, but I guess she must have... I was heartbroken, I felt lost, I was devastated⌠I took it out on him, in a very ugly way. Thatâs when he told me. He didnât have much info on how you felt, on why you broke up with me⌠but apparently, you felt like you werenât my priority. I was hurting you. And I⌠Iâm sorry if it took too long, but I needed a few weeks to realise how much Iâve fucked up these past few months... or years, really. I reckon that you deserve to understand what was happening in my head. I wasnât realising how much I was hurting you, when I should have. I was stuck into my own⌠stupid goal, and I didnât notice that I was losing you in the process. I was self-centred, and afraid. And I made the worst choices I could have made. I understand why you broke up with me, and Iâm sure youâre better off without me, now. I just⌠I need to apologize, and to let you know that⌠I loved you. More than anything. And if I wanted to tour, and to have a stable career⌠it was because I felt like I was failing you. I was failing all those plans we were making, I was failing the search for stability that you longed for and⌠And I got so into my head, and so stubborn about making a living out of music, that I lost sight of why I was so determined to make it in the first place. It was for you. It was always for you. Every big decision Iâve taken in the past years have been for you. But then again it wasnât⌠in the end, it wasnât. At first, it was for us, and then I turned selfish and after that big tour, I⌠I couldnât help it. This⌠craving for more. And something that had started as a way to make us move forward turned into a mean for me to make a name for myself.â
He struggled to swallow.
âI know, Iâm shit at talking about my feelings and stuff, but⌠I should have shared this with you, and I should have⌠Christ, there are a million things that I should have done differently, and if I could⌠if I could I would do it differently. But I canât, so⌠I just⌠I just want to ask you to forgive me for failing you. And I want you to know that you were my priority, SiobhĂĄn. But I lost sight of it, of the main purpose, even though⌠you were everything to me. You still are. You⌠Youâre the love of my life. If you wanted, Iâd drop music for you. Iâd look for a regular job, doesnât matter what. You are my priority, and I would sacrifice anything for you, including my career. And I wish⌠I wishâŚâ
He dried his cheeks on his sleeve, cleared his throat.
âI wish I hadnât broken the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I did. I know I did. Iâll still love you anyway. I get it⌠I get it, that youâll probably ask me never to call you again, and thatâs okay. But⌠I will always love you, no matter what. So⌠if one day, you need help with anything⌠you can always count on me. Just⌠call me. Iâll always long to take care of you. Iâll never forgive myself for failing this, for hurting you⌠Iâm sorryâŚâ
Finally, he grew quiet. But SiobhĂĄn wasnât talking either, so he cleared his throat again.
âDo you⌠do you want me to leave, now?â
She let out a shaky breath, shook her head, her gaze dropping to the floor.
âNot yet,â she answered, her voice weak, too weak to sound like hers.
It took her a minute to gather her thoughts and speak as well. When she looked up again, she was angry once more, but Alex stood still, ready to weather the storm.
âYou really are an idiot!â
Alex nodded.
âI knowâŚâ
âYou fucked it all up!â
âI know, babyâŚâ
âDonât call me that!â
âSorryâŚâ
âYou⌠I just wanted you to be happy, you eejit! Iâve never cared about money, or âstabilityâ like you put it! And Iâve never asked for any of it! I donât even know where all this is coming from! Why didnât you simply ask me what I wanted?!â
âI donât knowâŚâ
âI didnât care about your incomes, I have enough money for both of us! I donât give two shites about that! All I wanted was for you to be happy! And you dropping your career for me⌠what other stupid romantic ideas do you have in that brain of yours?! You would never be happy by being anything else than a musician, and you think I would ask you to give up on that?! I just wanted you to stop taking all the decisions for us! If you wanted to tour, then fine! But first, ask me how weâre going to manage this together, ask me how we can make it work so weâre both happy! You didnât ask me! You just went on that stupid self-sacrificing quest on your own, and you left me behind, like you had some high purpose or something⌠And it made me feel like shit!â
âIâm sorryâŚâ
âStop saying that! Youâve said it before!â
She grunted in frustration, stumping her foot, pulling on her hair.
âYou drive me insane! And the worst part⌠the worst part is that when I threatened to leave, instead of just explaining all of this, you let me leave! You didnât fight for me! You didnât tell me we could get through this! Like you didnât fucking care!â
âOf course, I cared! You were breaking my heartâŚâ
âWhy didnât you just say something then?!â
âBecause I was stupid, okay? I was stupid!â
âNo! NO! That doesnât cut it! It doesnât cut it at all! Youâve said it yourself! You grew selfish, and you pushed me away, because the truth is here, even if you wonât fully admit it: you wanted to be famous, and you thought you could do it, and you were ready to leave me behind. You say it was for me? All of this? I kept on telling you I was not okay. We kept on fighting. We kept on drifting apart. But you kept on going without me anyway. You did all of this out of love? I donât buy it for a secondâŚâ
âSiobhĂĄnâŚâ
âNO! YOU LISTEN TO ME! YOUâRE DOING IT AGAIN! Youâre writing a narrative where you put thoughts and intentions and words into my mouths! I never cared about your incomes! I never cared about how stable your career was! I loved you! And it was enough! And I wanted to get married to the sweet man who took me on lame dates on Friday evenings to cheap restaurants but made me laugh so much my whole body ached! And I wanted to drive with you to the other side of the country while blasting old rock songs to attend that tiny gig of yours! I wanted you! And then you left, and all of a sudden, I wasnât even worth calling. You didnât call me for weeks, Alex! And then you come here, and you claim that all of this was for me?! It wasnât. It was for you. Had it been for me, you would have asked me what I wanted. You would have asked me how we could make this work while you were away. You would have taken the time to call me every day. You wouldnât have spent 90% of the time I spent on another continent to see you drinking and going out with your new bandmates! You wouldnât have made me feel like shite for months, or years even. You wouldnât have turned me into this! You would have noticed I was sad, you would have noticed I was shutting down! Iâve been a wreck since weâve broken up, and yet⌠I feel more like myself than I have in the past year! This wasnât about me, Alex. Youâre just convincing yourself that it was, just like you convinced yourself that Andyâs contract was about you! Youâre just rewriting the truth so you wonât carry the blame or the disappointment. But itâs just about you, Alex. Itâs just about youâŚâ
âIt wasnât at first, I swear.â
âBut it became about you, instead of about us. You left me behind at one point. And Iâm tired of being left behind. Iâm never being left behind again!â
Alex merely stared at her, at the fire in her eyes, he could not have done anything else, he didnât have the strength nor the courage.
She was out of breath, rage and courage mingling in her tight jaw, looking wild and beautiful and herself.
And for the first time in a long time, she felt strong. Like she didnât need him. Like she didnât need anybody to be who she was meant to be.
She took a shaky breath.
âItâs over, Alex. If we bump into each other because of Andy and Y/N, Iâll be polite, but this is over. Weâre done. For good.â
Tears rolled down Alexâs cheeks, but he nodded.
âI understand. Thank you for hearing me out tonight. I genuinely wish you all the happiness in the world⌠you deserve it.â
âI know I do. And so do you. But you wonât have it with me, cause I know I canât have it with you.â
Again, he nodded, moved to the hallway. Put on his shoes slowly, dragging out the moment, just so he could breathe in her scent one last time, feel her presence nearby.
But SiobhĂĄn knew what was best for her, and it wasnât Alex. It was as simple as that.
He stepped out of the door, and before he could turn around and take one last look at her, SiobhĂĄn had closed the door, for good.
Chapter 28: âI know what my heart is like since your love died: it is like a hollow ledge holding a little poolâ
Hi, everyone! Hereâs a new chapter! Sorry for the late update, that cold/flu was no jokeâŚ
I hope you like this chapter! Tell me what you think!
****
Pairing: Hozier x fem!reader (professor!AU), Sequel to Love in Verses, dadzier.
Warnings: fluff (a disgusting amount), angst for secondary characters, smut so 18+ only There are no warnings concerning the pregnancy (no infertility issues, no miscarriage, only tooth-rotting fluff)
Summary: Your life is perfect. You're married to the love of your life, your career is thriving as you work at Trinity College, in Dublin. You've settled down with your husband, and it seems that life is perfect these days. And yet, there's a tugging at your heart whenever you see baby clothes, a longing for something more. What if you wanted to be a mother? Are you ready to let this new joy enter your life?
Word Count: 4031
Masterlist for the series â Hozierâs masterlist â Main masterlist
Ebb
I know what my heart is like
      Since your love died:
It is like a hollow ledge
Holding a little pool
      Left there by the tide,
      A little tepid pool,
Drying inward from the edge.
Edna St Vincent Millay
Alex and Andy werenât back to normal by any means, but they were okay, and that was already something.
After that afternoon at Katieâs, they texted throughout the next week. Nothing going too deep, but Andrew gave Alex some updates on you and the baby, and Alex told him about these regular gigs he got signed for around Dublin. When Andrew laughed at some stupid memes Alex had sent him, your heart filled with warmth. Maybe they wouldnât go back to how things were before⌠but Andrew was happier with his friend in his life, and you were too.
Your second ultrasound was planned in just ten days. The five months mark was getting closer, your belly now swollen and starting to get in the way of your daily tasks. You were annoyed by it sometimes, but then youâd look down at the round shape, and all traces of anger would be gone.
Your body was changing though. At an incredible speed. You felt like you were barely getting used to a change and then another occurred. You had started using some oil to avoid stretch marks, but it didnât seem very efficient, the lines becoming more and more obvious as your skin stretched too fast. Your back was aching with the extra weight you had to carry. It was harder to bend down. However, you were beginning to get that pregnancy super-strength, thanks to the extra testosterone, and you had to admit that looking at Andrewâs surprised expression while you opened a jar he couldnât get open was very satisfying.
âNow more than ever⌠remind me to stay on your good side, loveâŚâ
But he didnât have to worry about being on your good side. The way he cared for you spoke volume. Maybe he was a little too worried sometimes, but you couldnât blame him. You did enjoy riling him up so easily these days thoughâŚ
âWhat the fuck do you think youâre about to do?!â
You turned to him, all innocent. You wanted to reach these cookies that were in the upper cupboards (and that you could totally reach just by getting on your tiptoes), but when Andrew had walked in the kitchen, you feigned to use a chair to grab your snack.
You pushed the chair before the cupboards.
âItâs too high, and it hurts my back to reach upâŚâ
But Andrew took the chair and put it back around the table.
âAre you out of your mind?! Youâre not standing on a chair, thatâs dangerous!â
You wanted to roll your eyes, but you couldnât, using all your strength to refrain your laughter.
He cursed under his breath.
âWhat do you want in that cupboard anyway, likeâŚ?â
âThe cookies.â
âAre you hungry? You want to eat early tonight?â
âNo⌠I just want cookies.â
He picked up the snacks, handed them to you.
âLook⌠you have a tall husband⌠for once, my height is actually useful, and not a mere hazard against doorframes and lamps. So, please⌠if you need something, you ask me, okay?â
You couldnât refrain your laughter anymore.
âI wasnât going to get on the chair, I just wanted to rile you up!â you confessed, making him roll his eyes. âDid it work, then?â
âOh, it definitely did, yes⌠Jesus Christ, I saw my life flashing before my eyes when I thought you were going to climb on that thingâŚâ
You laughed as you took a cookie and then a bite. Andrew stole one from you, even if he was still annoyed at your antics. You were about to tease him some more when you felt something in your stomach. Or⌠in your belly⌠you couldnât quite define what but it was unusual, for sure. It wasnât the usual movement you felt sometimes, it was stronger.
Your face dropped, and you put down the cookies, reaching a hand to your stomach. Andrewâs frown deepened, this time out of worry.
âYouâre okay?â
You shook your head.
âI donât know⌠I got a weird feelingâŚâ
âAre you in pain?â
âNo⌠it was justâŚâ
You felt it again. Like something pushing against your skin from the inside, a little bit likeâŚ
Your expression changed from fear to absolute happiness.
âOh, my GodâŚâ
âWhat?!â
âI think⌠I think Iâve just felt the baby kicking! Like⌠a proper kick!â
Andrewâs face broke into the brightest of grins.
âReally?â
You reached for his hand, slipped it under your large t-shirt and against your skin, trying to place his palm around the area where you had felt the kicking.
It happened again, and this time, Andrew let out a breathy, aghast laugh.
âI felt it, too!â he grinned, tears in his eyes.
âOur babyâs kicking! Do you feel that?â
Andrew nodded, a laughter bubbling past his lips.
âWow⌠my little babyâs kicking!â
He knelt before you, lifted your tee so he could press his lips against your skin. He giggled when he felt the kicking again, against his chin.
âYouâre moving around a lot, huh? My little angelâŚâ
His voice was so soft, deep, low, a rumble of soothing words⌠you felt your body liquifying at the sound. He peppered kisses across your belly, making you giggle while you ran your fingers through his hair. He kissed the stretch marks, too, lingered on them, actually. They still felt strange to you, but he soothed some of your anxiety, at least.
âOh! That was a strong one!â he laughed, as he felt another kick.
âI think they want more cookie.â
âThey want more cookie, or you do?â
âWe both do.â
Andrew laughed, but didnât move from his spot on the ground. He rested his cheek against your belly, closed his eyes, mumbled sweet words into your skin.
âI love you so much, my little angelâŚâ
You were on your way to kick Andrewâs arse at chess when your phone rang. It was late in the afternoon already, Elwood was playing with his toys, or sometimes looking for scratches from Andrew. That was your husbandâs excuse for losing this afternoon, but you reckon the reason had more to do with his busy head. Andrew was getting worried over the next ultrasound, and he had an important lecture to give at a conference just two weeks away. Which meant that he had to travel to Boston, he would stay there for a full week. The thought of leaving you alone here, while pregnant, was turning his nights into insomnias. You had told him not to worry, that you would be fine, that his parents and brother had already planned to keep an eye on you. Still⌠Andrewâs mind kept on overthinking.
He handed you your phone without a second thought, not bothering checking who was calling as he focused on the game at end, trying to choose his next move.
You smiled as your best friendâs name lit up the screen.
âHey, you!â
âHey, Y/N⌠Can I talk to you for a sec?â
You frowned, recognising her tone. There was something wrongâŚ
You thought of that voicemail Alex had left for her the previous week. She had called that night, panicking, and told you she was going to erase the voicemails.
Clearly, she hadnât.
âIâve made a mistake. Something terribly stupidâŚâ
You heaved a sigh.
âYou listened to Alexâs voicemails?â
âHow do you know?â
âI know you. I was certain you wouldnât erase them.â
âYeah⌠why am I so weakâŚ?â
âYouâre not weak. So⌠the voicemails?â
Andrew looked up at you, clearly understanding very well the situation. He moved one of his puns over the board, and then stared at you, his chin resting on his palm while he tried to get crumbs of the conversation.
âIt was⌠a lot.â
She heaved a sigh, sniffled.
âHe apologised, and he⌠he said that⌠he got so obsessed with his job because he wanted to have⌠a proper career for me, so we would have stability for our family andâŚâ
Her voice broke.
âI didnât understand⌠at the time, I really didnât understand that this was what he was going through, that he was putting so much weight on his own shoulders, that he was under so much pressure just because he didnât fucking open his mouth and talked to me andâŚâ
She blew her nose before resuming with a sigh.
âHe said Iâm the love of his life⌠Christ Y/N⌠I was doing better⌠why is he doing this to me now?!â
You let out a long breath.
âHe apologised to Andy too⌠theyâve been talking again.â
âGood⌠I mean⌠I want to rip his heart out, but good, I guessâŚâ
âWhat are you going to do?â
âGonna block his number, obviously.â
A short silence, you were wearing a sad smile when you answered.
âYou should call him. Text him to meet up instead. You two need to talk face to face.â
âAbsolutely not. Iâm gonna block him. I donât even know why Iâm calling you, cause thereâs nothing to say. Iâm gonna block him.â
Before you could get another word out, SiobhĂĄn had hung up.
âSo?â Andrew asked before you had time to put down your phone.
You heaved a sigh, rested a hand on your belly.
âShe said sheâll block him, but I know her. Sheâs gonna call him.â
âDo you think theyâll be fine?â
âI donât know⌠I hope so⌠If not, I hope they get closure, at least. AnywayâŚâ
 You moved your queen across the board.
âCheckmate!â
SiobhĂĄn did not block Alexâs number.
She did not call him either. She sent him a text telling him to come to her apartment that night.
Their apartment, technically. The one that screamed with silence, with all the pieces missing since Alex had left. It felt empty without him.
It took Alex less than two minutes to answer that he would be there. Now, SiobhĂĄn wasnât certain why she was picking her clothes carefully, why she had styled her hair and put on some make-up. To show him that she was fine and did not need him, for sure. It couldnât be that she was nervous, that she wanted him to find her prettyâŚ
When the doorbell rang, she could barely breathe. All of a sudden, she wanted him to leave, she wanted to be alone, she wantedâŚ
She opened the door, found Alex on the threshold. He had a bouquet of her favourite flowers in his hands.
Her favouriteâŚ
âHey,â he breathed.
He looked at her like a deer caught in headlights, eyes wide and almost scared. He blinked, his eyes raked her frame, like he couldnât help it. He blushed as he caught her gaze again.
âThese are for you,â he awkwardly added, handing her the flowers.
âThank you⌠you shouldnât have.â
He looked sharp, too. But he also looked thinner, his hair longer, his skin paler.
âYou look like shit,â she pointed out, taking the flowers from him.
He smiled.
âYou look beautiful.â
She let her lips part. Just like that⌠that was all it took, really? To bring her back to this longing, to this love, to him�
But then again, she looked into his eyes, and she recognised him. No⌠no, it wasnât that simple, it hadnât been for a while.
âCan I come in?â
She jumped, realising they hadnât moved away from the door, and she nodded, hurrying inside. She busied herself with putting the flowers in a vase. Red marigolds⌠her favourite, they looked divine⌠she let her fingers graze the petals.
Alex took off his shoes, she heard him move across the apartment. She shook herself.
âDo you want a drink?â
âIâm fine⌠thanks.â
She took a deep breath, walked back into the living room. She needed to be strong. She needed him out of her life, sheâŚ
⌠she stared at him, standing there, and all she wanted was to kiss him and hold him tightly, and never let him go again.
But then again, she also wanted him to disappear forever.
âHow are you these days?â he asked, and she knew he meant the question, that his worry was earnest.
âIâm good. Busy with work, you know how it isâŚâ
She winced. She didnât mean it like that, didnât mean to say something against him⌠he seemed to understand though, because he smiled, burying his hands in his pockets.
âGrand.â
âHow are you?â
He chuckled.
âI should say Iâm okay.â
âYou canât lie to me.â
âNo⌠no, I canât.â
She looked down at her feet.
âIâm not too good either, you know?â
He let out a shaking breath, but she heaved a frustrated sigh. Anger was taking over again. How could she still feel love for this man? After all that she had been throughâŚ
No, no this wasnât right. She wasnât so weak, had never been. And if the weeks spent without him had taught her something, it was that she had changed at the end of their relationship, and not in a good way. She wasnât the type to wait on someone, to let him take her strength away, to have her begging for crumbs. She was strong, and whole, and bruised, maybe, yes, but⌠but she deserved better than the way he had treated her for a long while. She hardened her heart as she stared at him, and her tone was sharp when she spoke again.
âWhy did you want to talk anyway? I reckon that everything was said⌠what were these voicemails, even? Huh? Like⌠you canât pull up these stunts on meâŚâ
She brushed a tear away, crossed her arms before her chest.
Alex stared at her for a moment, and then he spoke. She stared at him while he laid down his heart before her, right at her feet. He was calm, earnest, even if he was clearly hurting. She would have preferred for him to grow angry, frustrated, to match her anger⌠it would have meant she could have easily moved on, thenâŚ
âWhen we broke up, I got into a terrible fight with Andy. Donât know if Y/N told you about it, but I guess she must have... I was heartbroken, I felt lost, I was devastated⌠I took it out on him, in a very ugly way. Thatâs when he told me. He didnât have much info on how you felt, on why you broke up with me⌠but apparently, you felt like you werenât my priority. I was hurting you. And I⌠Iâm sorry if it took too long, but I needed a few weeks to realise how much Iâve fucked up these past few months... or years, really. I reckon that you deserve to understand what was happening in my head. I wasnât realising how much I was hurting you, when I should have. I was stuck into my own⌠stupid goal, and I didnât notice that I was losing you in the process. I was self-centred, and afraid. And I made the worst choices I could have made. I understand why you broke up with me, and Iâm sure youâre better off without me, now. I just⌠I need to apologize, and to let you know that⌠I loved you. More than anything. And if I wanted to tour, and to have a stable career⌠it was because I felt like I was failing you. I was failing all those plans we were making, I was failing the search for stability that you longed for and⌠And I got so into my head, and so stubborn about making a living out of music, that I lost sight of why I was so determined to make it in the first place. It was for you. It was always for you. Every big decision Iâve taken in the past years have been for you. But then again it wasnât⌠in the end, it wasnât. At first, it was for us, and then I turned selfish and after that big tour, I⌠I couldnât help it. This⌠craving for more. And something that had started as a way to make us move forward turned into a mean for me to make a name for myself.â
He struggled to swallow.
âI know, Iâm shit at talking about my feelings and stuff, but⌠I should have shared this with you, and I should have⌠Christ, there are a million things that I should have done differently, and if I could⌠if I could I would do it differently. But I canât, so⌠I just⌠I just want to ask you to forgive me for failing you. And I want you to know that you were my priority, SiobhĂĄn. But I lost sight of it, of the main purpose, even though⌠you were everything to me. You still are. You⌠Youâre the love of my life. If you wanted, Iâd drop music for you. Iâd look for a regular job, doesnât matter what. You are my priority, and I would sacrifice anything for you, including my career. And I wish⌠I wishâŚâ
He dried his cheeks on his sleeve, cleared his throat.
âI wish I hadnât broken the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I did. I know I did. Iâll still love you anyway. I get it⌠I get it, that youâll probably ask me never to call you again, and thatâs okay. But⌠I will always love you, no matter what. So⌠if one day, you need help with anything⌠you can always count on me. Just⌠call me. Iâll always long to take care of you. Iâll never forgive myself for failing this, for hurting you⌠Iâm sorryâŚâ
Finally, he grew quiet. But SiobhĂĄn wasnât talking either, so he cleared his throat again.
âDo you⌠do you want me to leave, now?â
She let out a shaky breath, shook her head, her gaze dropping to the floor.
âNot yet,â she answered, her voice weak, too weak to sound like hers.
It took her a minute to gather her thoughts and speak as well. When she looked up again, she was angry once more, but Alex stood still, ready to weather the storm.
âYou really are an idiot!â
Alex nodded.
âI knowâŚâ
âYou fucked it all up!â
âI know, babyâŚâ
âDonât call me that!â
âSorryâŚâ
âYou⌠I just wanted you to be happy, you eejit! Iâve never cared about money, or âstabilityâ like you put it! And Iâve never asked for any of it! I donât even know where all this is coming from! Why didnât you simply ask me what I wanted?!â
âI donât knowâŚâ
âI didnât care about your incomes, I have enough money for both of us! I donât give two shites about that! All I wanted was for you to be happy! And you dropping your career for me⌠what other stupid romantic ideas do you have in that brain of yours?! You would never be happy by being anything else than a musician, and you think I would ask you to give up on that?! I just wanted you to stop taking all the decisions for us! If you wanted to tour, then fine! But first, ask me how weâre going to manage this together, ask me how we can make it work so weâre both happy! You didnât ask me! You just went on that stupid self-sacrificing quest on your own, and you left me behind, like you had some high purpose or something⌠And it made me feel like shit!â
âIâm sorryâŚâ
âStop saying that! Youâve said it before!â
She grunted in frustration, stumping her foot, pulling on her hair.
âYou drive me insane! And the worst part⌠the worst part is that when I threatened to leave, instead of just explaining all of this, you let me leave! You didnât fight for me! You didnât tell me we could get through this! Like you didnât fucking care!â
âOf course, I cared! You were breaking my heartâŚâ
âWhy didnât you just say something then?!â
âBecause I was stupid, okay? I was stupid!â
âNo! NO! That doesnât cut it! It doesnât cut it at all! Youâve said it yourself! You grew selfish, and you pushed me away, because the truth is here, even if you wonât fully admit it: you wanted to be famous, and you thought you could do it, and you were ready to leave me behind. You say it was for me? All of this? I kept on telling you I was not okay. We kept on fighting. We kept on drifting apart. But you kept on going without me anyway. You did all of this out of love? I donât buy it for a secondâŚâ
âSiobhĂĄnâŚâ
âNO! YOU LISTEN TO ME! YOUâRE DOING IT AGAIN! Youâre writing a narrative where you put thoughts and intentions and words into my mouths! I never cared about your incomes! I never cared about how stable your career was! I loved you! And it was enough! And I wanted to get married to the sweet man who took me on lame dates on Friday evenings to cheap restaurants but made me laugh so much my whole body ached! And I wanted to drive with you to the other side of the country while blasting old rock songs to attend that tiny gig of yours! I wanted you! And then you left, and all of a sudden, I wasnât even worth calling. You didnât call me for weeks, Alex! And then you come here, and you claim that all of this was for me?! It wasnât. It was for you. Had it been for me, you would have asked me what I wanted. You would have asked me how we could make this work while you were away. You would have taken the time to call me every day. You wouldnât have spent 90% of the time I spent on another continent to see you drinking and going out with your new bandmates! You wouldnât have made me feel like shite for months, or years even. You wouldnât have turned me into this! You would have noticed I was sad, you would have noticed I was shutting down! Iâve been a wreck since weâve broken up, and yet⌠I feel more like myself than I have in the past year! This wasnât about me, Alex. Youâre just convincing yourself that it was, just like you convinced yourself that Andyâs contract was about you! Youâre just rewriting the truth so you wonât carry the blame or the disappointment. But itâs just about you, Alex. Itâs just about youâŚâ
âIt wasnât at first, I swear.â
âBut it became about you, instead of about us. You left me behind at one point. And Iâm tired of being left behind. Iâm never being left behind again!â
Alex merely stared at her, at the fire in her eyes, he could not have done anything else, he didnât have the strength nor the courage.
She was out of breath, rage and courage mingling in her tight jaw, looking wild and beautiful and herself.
And for the first time in a long time, she felt strong. Like she didnât need him. Like she didnât need anybody to be who she was meant to be.
She took a shaky breath.
âItâs over, Alex. If we bump into each other because of Andy and Y/N, Iâll be polite, but this is over. Weâre done. For good.â
Tears rolled down Alexâs cheeks, but he nodded.
âI understand. Thank you for hearing me out tonight. I genuinely wish you all the happiness in the world⌠you deserve it.â
âI know I do. And so do you. But you wonât have it with me, cause I know I canât have it with you.â
Again, he nodded, moved to the hallway. Put on his shoes slowly, dragging out the moment, just so he could breathe in her scent one last time, feel her presence nearby.
But SiobhĂĄn knew what was best for her, and it wasnât Alex. It was as simple as that.
He stepped out of the door, and before he could turn around and take one last look at her, SiobhĂĄn had closed the door, for good.
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Your life is perfect. You're married to the love of your life, your career is thriving as you work at Trinity College, in Dublin. You've settled down with your husband, and it seems that life is perfect these days. And yet, there's a tugging at your heart whenever you see baby clothes, a longing for something more. What if you wanted to be a mother? Are you ready to let this new joy enter your life?
Pairing : Hozier x fem!reader
Professor! AU - This is a sequel to my fic Love in Verses.
Warnings: fluff (a disgusting amount), angst for secondary characters, smut so 18+ only
There are no warnings concerning the pregnancy (no infertility issues, no miscarriage, only tooth-rotting fluff)
The entirety of the fic is already written, chapters posted twice a week, every Monday and Friday!
Chapter 1: âI love you. Iâm glad I exist.â
Chapter 2 : âWhen I came here first, you were always singingâ
Chapter 3: âAnd, for me, the whole of you has been transformed into feelingâ
Chapter 4: âImpossible to silence it. It weeps for distant things.â
Chapter 5Â : âMaybe death isn't darkness, after all, but so much light wrapping itself around us â as soft as feathers âthat we are instantly weary of looking, and looking, and shut our eyesâ
Chapter 6: âThe odor of acid and the little, pitiless tragedy of being imaginedâ
Chapter 7: âSo as not to be the martyred slaves of time, be drunk, be continually drunk! On wine, on poetry or on virtue as you wish.â
Chapter 8: âStill, as the old year tips into the new, I insist on the infant hope, gooing and kicking his legs in the air.â
Chapter 9: âThings fall apart; the centre cannot hold; mere anarchy is loosed upon the worldâ
Chapter 10: âJust like moons and like suns, with the certainty of tides, just like hopes springing high, still I'll rise.â
Chapter 11: âUpon waking on the kitchen counter I find a half grapefruit carefully cut and sectioned.â
Chapter 12: âThe nurse a passenger in front, you ensconced in her vacated corner seat, me flat on my back â our postures all the journey still the sameâ
Chapter 13: âWhatever happens with us, your body will haunt mineâ
Chapter 14: âTo whom I owe the leaping delight that quickens my senses in our wakingtimeâ
Chapter 15: âAnd everything is perfectly still until you catch the sound of something lost and shy beating its wings against those darkening stars. And then: music.â
Chapter 16: âSweetheart when you break thru youâll find a poet hereâ
Chapter 17: âNovel unbegun, half-loaf risingâ
Chapter 18 : âIn the morning glad I see ; my foe outrestched beneath the tree.â
Chapter 19: âShe says to him, Listen to the little birdies, and he listens to the common sparrows talking in the hedge. He listens as they argue back and forth, their dialect of natureâ
Chapter 20Â : âBut to prevent the sad increase of hopeless love, I keep away.â
Chapter 21: âAnd you think the hole in the universe, caused by the emission of your grief, is so deep it will never be rectifiedâ
Chapter 22: âI'm a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that's me.â
Chapter 23: âDrink one last pull of starlight straight from the bottleâ
Chapter 24: âAnd we discovered there love had the feather and muscle of wings and had come to live with us, a brother of fire and airâ
Chapter 25: âBut this dedication is for others to read: these are private words addressed to you in public.â
Chapter 26: âNever fear. We may let the scaffolds fall confident that we have built our wall.â
Chapter 27: âBut Mitski in my speakers pulls me back to earth she keeps my hands on the wheel when I want and I so often want to dieâ
Chapter 28: âI know what my heart is like since your love died: it is like a hollow ledge holding a little poolâ
Chapter 29: âVague as fog and looked for like mailâ
Chapter 30: âThat sea with the open arms of perennial youth where my Hope alightsâ
Chapter 31: âThat spring will be a green havocâ
Chapter 32: âIf your hands were in mine Iâd be sure weâd not severâ
Chapter 33: âThen someone lifted you up, and there was a sound, and they laid you on me, breathing.â
Chapter 34: âHer eyes are Neruda's two dark pools at twilightâ
Chapter 35: âYou are her soft miracle. So she gave you her eyes to see the best in the worst.â
Chapter 36: âEvery finger shall have its ring and there won't be a single place dark or unhappyâ
Chapter 37: âA day is long and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleepâ
Chapter 38: âNach mĂłr ĂŠ an taitneamh mo stĂłirĂn ina leaba ina chodladh gan bhrĂłnâ
Chapter 39: âNo one else will travel through the shadows with me, only you, evergreen, ever sun, ever moonâ
Chapter 40: âWhat does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is starry and she is not with me.â
Chapter 41: âI'd rather have the dream of you with faint stars glowingâ
Chapter 42: âHer breath in mine, our fluent dipping knives â never closer the whole rest of our lives.â
Chapter 43: âI think I like myself a little brokenâ
Chapter 44: âSo I imagine such love of the world â its fervency, its shining, its innocence and hunger to give of itself â I imagine this is how it began.â
Chapter 45: âIâm your guide here. In the evening-dark morning streets, I point and name.â
Chapter 46: âTake my hand. Stand by the window. I want to show you what is hidden in this ordinary.â
Chapter 47: âAnd, what is more, you seemed to know, although you are so small, that I was there, with eager arms, to save you from a fall.â
Chapter 48: âThe world is at least fifty percent terrible, and thatâs a conservative estimate, though I keep this from my children.â
Chapter 49: âBefore the kite plunges down into the wood and this line goes useless take in your two hands, boys, and feel the strumming, rooted, long-tailed pull of grief. You were born fit for it.â
Chapter 50: âAnd if you missed a day, there was always the next, and if you missed a year, it didnât matter, the hills werenât going anywhere, the thyme and rosemary kept coming back, the sun kept rising, the bushes kept bearing fruitâ
Chapter 51: âEven in another timeâ
Chapter 52: âAnd that orange, it made me happy. As ordinary things often do just lately.â