Padfootagain

Almond Blossom

This morning, love, I’m tired and grave; I can barely hear the wintered bird’s small song over the hum of the central heating. We must trust, I suppose, to the song’s bare minim:

that spring will be a green havoc as the trees burst their slums and the dirt breaks open to admit crocus-spear and cyclamen;

and though we can’t yet feel it earth’s already begun her slow incline, inch by ruined inch, easing you back from the brink.

Fiona Benson

Soft, pastel green.

After an hour spent in the aisle of a shop, you had finally settled on a colour for the paint in your daughter’s bedroom. A gentle, soothing green hue, sage and pastel.

You brought the paint home, decided which one of the four white walls would be painted. The window across from the door… where would you put the crib then? You had bought a rocking chair to set by the window, so you could settle in the room with her and look at the trees outside, bathe in the sun, listen to the rain…

“I’d set the crib on the right,” Andrew spoke, moving across the room to show you the spot. We can have her changing table here, against the wall. The armchair on the left side of the window. Her closet at the back over there…”

You nodded, mentally imagining it all.

“So… should we paint the wall closer to her crib, or the opposite wall?”

“Or we can do like… half of the room. The wall with the window and… I’d do the wall with her crib. What do you think?”

You nodded, moving further in the room until you could take your husband’s hand.

“Hmm… I like that. Yeah… let’s do that.”

You were startled by a groan coming from behind you, and turned to discover Jon rubbing at his elbow.

“Bloody doorframe,” he cursed, running a hand in his ruffled hair. “So… what do we paint, boss?”

“These two walls.”

“Perfect, let’s get it over with.”

You chuckled at your brother-in-law.

“Glad to see you enjoy seeing us, huh?”

“Oh, I like seeing you. It’s his ugly mug I have an issue with…”

“Very funny. Come on, asshole.”

Behind Jon, his parents came into view, along with Siobhán and Katie.

“Jon, Andy and I will handle the painting,” Raine instructed. “John and Katie, you take care of the crib. Y/N, dear, you need to go downstairs, the fumes from the paint aren’t good for you, and the smell will surely make you sick. Why don’t you and Siobhán take care of that pretty mobile you bought for the cot?”

You nodded, but didn’t exit the room before drawing in your husband for a long kiss.

He gave you a lovesick grin, blinked a couple of times as if stunned by your lips, and you knew he was.

While you left the others paint and assemble the crib, you headed downstairs with Siobhán, and took care of the adorable mobile you had bought with Andrew. All wood and soft fabric, with a hive at the centre and little bees flying around. Or well, you attempted to assemble the cute item, because it turned out that you and Siobhán weren’t so talented with a screwdriver, after all…

“I think I got it wrong…” Siobhán told you, showing you the piece of wood she had clearly assembled upside-down.

“How did you do that?” you questioned with a giggle.

You rubbed at your swollen belly, trying to ease your daughter who was restless today. Maybe it was the excitement you felt, at getting her room ready.

“Who knows… I’m a philosopher, not a builder…”

“I mistook you for Bob the Builder…”

“Very funny, mammy!”

You worked in laughter and silence for a while, before a proper conversation started, and drifted towards life and love.

“Any news from Alex?” asked Siobhán, pretending she didn’t care.

“He’s off to… Scotland, I think? Not quite sure. He’s focusing on his career, at the moment. Andy has news from time to time, he asks about me and the baby, but… nothing too… personal, I would say. I… I don’t know if Andy will feel the same again, to be honest. Something was broken, I’m not sure they can mend it fully. Besides… Alex hasn’t been here for most of the pregnancy, and I reckon that it has driven a gap between them, the fact that Alex isn’t here through something so important for us. Also… Alex didn’t say anything about Andy’s award for his poetry… he was trying to deal with you and his crazy voicemails. And Andy didn’t say anything about it, but… I think he’s upset. It was important for Andy, it was such an achievement. I don’t know… I think, for now, they’re better off being friendly than proper best friends.””

Slowly, your friend nodded.

“And the band, then?”

“Oh, Andy’s still composing! Recording, writing… Less gigs, though, but then again… we’re busy these days. But what about you? Anyone special?”

She laughed, shrugged.

“A girl or two. One guy was nice, and dear God, the sex was… wow. But nothing serious, no.”

She gave you a strange smile, not quite sad, not quite happy either. Somewhere floating in the middle.

“I miss him. And yet… I know that even if this is rough, I needed this. I’ve spent a long time doubting myself, wondering if I had made a mistake by leaving him, but… the more time passes, the more certain I become that I needed to leave. I can’t say that I’m over him, that I don’t miss him, that I don’t wake up sometimes with so much pain in my heart I want to rip the organ out of my chest… but then the moment ends, and I realize he wasn’t the answer anyway. I feel… better, I guess. Not there yet, but better. I wish the boys could mend their relationship, though... It won’t happen to us, right?”

But she was surprised by your laughter.

“Of course not! These two are men, thus stupid.”

Siobhán joined your laughter.

“Right, important detail!”

“Indeed… but no, I don’t think it’ll happen to us. None of us has ever been hurtful towards the other. We’ve never taken our frustration out on each other, the way Alex did…”

“No, you’re right. And if I ever do it, don’t let me. Slap me right across the face and don’t let me break our friendship. It’s… you’re important to me.”

You reached for her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

“You’re important to me to. And I grant you the right to smack me on the head if I ever act so stupidly.”

“Deal… but Y/N… you’re kind of crushing my hand…”

“Oh! Sorry! It’s the pregnancy. I have some kind of super strength now, but… I forget.”

“Wonder Woman!” Siobhán sang, making you double over with laughter.

With much difficulty and laughter, the mobile was, in the end, built. The little bees hovered and spun around a large hive, small flowers danced with them. You grinned at the sight.

You spent some more time talking with your friend, and Katie and John eventually joined you for a snack and some tea. It took longer for the team of painters to finish their work, but they joined you anyway, Andrew’s hold tee-shirt now stained with green dots here and there.

“I’ve left the window open, to get rid of the smell,” he told you, taking a seat in the chair next to yours in the kitchen. “We’ll get everything ready, but the smell is too strong for you still. I reckon you should wait a few hours before coming upstairs.”

You nodded, offered him a biscuit and he thanked you with a kiss on the cheek.

It took a few more hours to get the room ready. You let the rest of the group go upstairs and helped building stuff, gathering decorations and planning where things would go from downstairs, to avoid breathing the strong smell of paint too much. When the room was finally ready, it was twilight already.

Andrew had left the window of the bedroom open, so you could sneak a peek inside. And it was perfect… everything you wanted.

A soft sage shade on the walls, your baby’s crib with the wooden mobile fixed to it spinning slowly above the empty bed. A soft creamy carpet, a rocking chair by the window, fairy lights hanging across the green wall. There were plushies on the furniture already, and a soft blanket in the crib. It was perfect…

You took Andrew’s hand, and the two of you exchanged an emotional smile. The smell was making you nauseous, but you fought the feeling to make the moment last, to picture your little girl walking through the room, sleeping in her tiny crib, holding the plushie set on rocking chair. Andrew squeezed your hand to capture your gaze again, before he handed you a small wooden plate.

“Together?” he asked, and you nodded with a tender smile.

You moved before the door, and hung the plate, a joined action for a life you were building together.

Caoimhe.

This was your last day at Trinity.

Or, to be more precise, this was your last day before the beginning of your maternity leave.

You were supposed to give birth in 7 weeks now, but it had become too difficult to drive all the way to Dublin. Besides, it was almost October already, and it was easier to let a colleague give your classes from the beginning of the semester, rather than give a couple of classes and then disappear.

It was strange though, to think that you wouldn’t come back to Trinity for months, to think that you wouldn’t greet new students and give new classes this year. But the strangest thought was that this was your last day in the same office as Andrew.

You had accepted your new rank as professor, and were thus upgraded to a larger office, where you would be alone. A small table, a wardrobe, some shelves, a huge desk, a comfortable chair and a nice view over the grounds.

Andrew heaved a sigh as he put down the last of your boxes, filled with files, articles, and books on your desk.

“All done,” he smiled.

“Thank you, love.”

You rubbed at your painful back, trying to find a position that would relieve some of the tension in your muscles. Your baby was much heavier to carry now, your feet and back were aching, and your large belly hindered your movements more than ever.

“Turn around,” Andrew instructed, making your frown, but you complied anyway.

He moved behind you, and rested his hands on the underside of your belly, before gently lifting upwards.

You groaned with the relief of some of the weight being carried for you.

“Oh my God…” you breathed, letting your head fall back against Andrew’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

“Good?” he asked into the crown of your head, before placing a kiss there.

“You have no idea… it’s almost as good as sex…”

He laughed, but gave you one more minute without the weight of your baby to carry.

“I don’t know how to interpret this…”

“I said ‘almost’ only.”

Slowly, Andrew moved away and you kissed him to thank him.

“Can I be extra-annoying and ask for a foot massage tonight?” you asked with your most adorable puppy eyes. “My feet hurt a lot today.”

“Of course, love.”

You covered his face with kisses as a reward, making him giggle cutely.

But then, he looked around, and you noticed the way his gaze saddened.

“What are you thinking?” you probed, locking your elbow with his.

He shrugged, took some time to gather his thoughts and feelings, find a way to express them.

“I… I don’t know how to feel. On one hand I’m so happy for you, and so proud of you for achieving such a huge step in your career. On the other hand… I’m going to miss you terribly. I know it sounds stupid, it’s just an office, but… I liked looking up and seeing you there, and taking breaks with you and…”

He heaved a sigh, but you rubbed at his chest to soothe the ache there.

“It’s alright. I’m going to miss working in the same space as you too. But then again, you can come and work here whenever you want, you know?”

He hummed.

“I mean… you won’t be here for the rest of the pregnancy, so…”

“I bet you feel very comfortable with that,” you chuckled.

“I’m going to call you approximatively 200 times a day…” he joked. “Seriously, though… I liked being able to keep an eye on you. You’ll call me if there’s anything wrong, right?”

“Of course, love. But I’m okay. Just… too tired to work from here now.”

You were interrupted by a knock on your door, and when you invited the student to come in, you were surprised to see Saoirse smiling at you. You hadn’t seen her since the summer holidays, after she completed her master’s degree.

“Oh, come on in Saoirse! How are you?” you asked, inviting her to take a seat. “Don’t mind the mess, we’re moving my stuff to this office still.”

“I didn’t mean to bother you,” she apologised, but walked inside the room nonetheless.

“You’re not,” you shook your head, “not at all!”

“I just wanted to say goodbye. Heard you were taking your maternity leave so…”

“Yes… I’ll keep working from home for a couple of weeks, but after that, no more stress, just pure dread and horror at the thought of giving birth…”

You laughed, Andrew leaning closer to wrap an arm around your shoulders.

“I… I also wanted to bid you farewell… or goodbye, who knows, but… I’ve accepted the PhD offer at Harvard, from the researcher you recommended… do you remember? I’ll start in a month…”

“That’s amazing!” you congratulated her, and Andrew did so as well.

“Have you found a place to stay already?” Andrew asked, and you talked for a while about her moving abroad.

But you could see that there was something off, and when you asked her, she grew shier. Still, she needed to talk to someone.

“I… I’m worried about… my personal relationships and… moving abroad.”

“You mean Sean,” you nodded, and your acknowledgement of the situation broke the last barriers for Saoirse.

“Yeah… He keeps on saying that we’ll find a way, that we’ll be okay… but how can we be okay? Do you… do you think I should have chosen a university that was closer to home?”

You hesitated, but it was Andrew who answered in your stead, his voice gentle and warm.

“Do you want to do that PhD in Harvard?”

“More than anything! But I love Sean…”

“If he loves you, he’ll support you, and he’ll make it work.”

Her voice was a whisper when she spoke again.

“But what if he doesn’t?”

“Then… he didn’t love you as much as he claimed he did.”

She blinked up at Andrew.

“My mam says I should prioritize my relationship. That I should think long term with him, because I love him. And I do!”

“You can have both. You should have both. I’ve yet to meet a man to whom someone told him not to take up a chance to grow in his career because of his girlfriend.”

She clenched her jaw.

“Do you want that PhD?” Andrew asked again.

“More than anything.”

“Then go and get it. And if you truly love each other, Sean and you will make enough efforts and work hard enough on your relationship for it to survive long-distance.”

He gave her a soothing smile.

“Don’t think about… your career fighting against your love-life. The two can go together. Think about what you really want, what would make you truly happy. From there, you’ll make the right choices.”

“So… I shouldn’t prioritize…”

“You should choose what makes you truly happy.”

Slowly, she nodded.

“I guess… this is a goodbye for the next few years, then… Harvard is far away.”

You exchanged some smiles, talked some more before she left. When she did, leaving you and Andrew alone again, you finished to unpack your things, and then Andrew helped you walk to your car. He was the one driving, and you fell asleep before you could even leave Dublin. He helped you to take a shower, washing your hair and skin while you did the same for him. Once you were together lying on the sofa, with Elwood resting his head against the side of your belly to feel the baby, you heaved a relieved sigh when Andrew removed your socks and started massaging your aching, swollen feet.

“Thank you,” you breathed, closing your eyes as Andrew turned on the TV.

He merely hummed in response, working your painful muscles in silence. But your thoughts always went back to Saoirse, and what Andrew had told her.

“Honey… can I ask you something?”

“’Course,” he answered, straightening his glasses and keeping his gaze on the screen, where a game of hurling was being retransmitted.

“When you turned down the offer for an album… you didn’t… like… you did what would make you happy, right?”

He looked down at you with a frown, tilting his head in wonder.

“I mean… you didn’t… feel like you had to sacrifice your career…”

“No, love. I wanted to turn it down.”

“Okay…”

“Love… if there was something you wanted to do for your career, we would make it work. And I know we would make it work for me as well.”

You heaved a sigh.

“I hope Saoirse and Sean will figure it out. I would hate for her to have to go through such a choice.”

“I hope so too,” Andrew nodded.

“I appreciate what you told her.”

“I know it’s harder for women, and it shouldn’t be. A male student wouldn’t have thought that way. He would have taken the opportunity, thinking they’d figure something out. It would have been obvious to him that he deserved this career… and I wanted her to feel like she could do it too. If they love each other, they’ll figure something out, even if it’s hard. Besides, they’re young… they’ve yet to build a life and a family, they have time for that. For now, they need to think about getting their degrees, a job… the rest will come later.”

You nodded, growing quiet as your fingers got lost into Elwood’s soft fur. Andrew focused on the game again, but you didn’t really pay attention to his analyses of hurling strategies.

Almond Blossom

This morning, love, I’m tired and grave; I can barely hear the wintered bird’s small song over the hum of the central heating. We must trust, I suppose, to the song’s bare minim:

that spring will be a green havoc as the trees burst their slums and the dirt breaks open to admit crocus-spear and cyclamen;

and though we can’t yet feel it earth’s already begun her slow incline, inch by ruined inch, easing you back from the brink.

Fiona Benson

Soft, pastel green.

After an hour spent in the aisle of a shop, you had finally settled on a colour for the paint in your daughter’s bedroom. A gentle, soothing green hue, sage and pastel.

You brought the paint home, decided which one of the four white walls would be painted. The window across from the door… where would you put the crib then? You had bought a rocking chair to set by the window, so you could settle in the room with her and look at the trees outside, bathe in the sun, listen to the rain…

“I’d set the crib on the right,” Andrew spoke, moving across the room to show you the spot. We can have her changing table here, against the wall. The armchair on the left side of the window. Her closet at the back over there…”

You nodded, mentally imagining it all.

“So… should we paint the wall closer to her crib, or the opposite wall?”

“Or we can do like… half of the room. The wall with the window and… I’d do the wall with her crib. What do you think?”

You nodded, moving further in the room until you could take your husband’s hand.

“Hmm… I like that. Yeah… let’s do that.”

You were startled by a groan coming from behind you, and turned to discover Jon rubbing at his elbow.

“Bloody doorframe,” he cursed, running a hand in his ruffled hair. “So… what do we paint, boss?”

“These two walls.”

“Perfect, let’s get it over with.”

You chuckled at your brother-in-law.

“Glad to see you enjoy seeing us, huh?”

“Oh, I like seeing you. It’s his ugly mug I have an issue with…”

“Very funny. Come on, asshole.”

Behind Jon, his parents came into view, along with Siobhán and Katie.

“Jon, Andy and I will handle the painting,” Raine instructed. “John and Katie, you take care of the crib. Y/N, dear, you need to go downstairs, the fumes from the paint aren’t good for you, and the smell will surely make you sick. Why don’t you and Siobhán take care of that pretty mobile you bought for the cot?”

You nodded, but didn’t exit the room before drawing in your husband for a long kiss.

He gave you a lovesick grin, blinked a couple of times as if stunned by your lips, and you knew he was.

While you left the others paint and assemble the crib, you headed downstairs with Siobhán, and took care of the adorable mobile you had bought with Andrew. All wood and soft fabric, with a hive at the centre and little bees flying around. Or well, you attempted to assemble the cute item, because it turned out that you and Siobhán weren’t so talented with a screwdriver, after all…

“I think I got it wrong…” Siobhán told you, showing you the piece of wood she had clearly assembled upside-down.

“How did you do that?” you questioned with a giggle.

You rubbed at your swollen belly, trying to ease your daughter who was restless today. Maybe it was the excitement you felt, at getting her room ready.

“Who knows… I’m a philosopher, not a builder…”

“I mistook you for Bob the Builder…”

“Very funny, mammy!”

You worked in laughter and silence for a while, before a proper conversation started, and drifted towards life and love.

“Any news from Alex?” asked Siobhán, pretending she didn’t care.

“He’s off to… Scotland, I think? Not quite sure. He’s focusing on his career, at the moment. Andy has news from time to time, he asks about me and the baby, but… nothing too… personal, I would say. I… I don’t know if Andy will feel the same again, to be honest. Something was broken, I’m not sure they can mend it fully. Besides… Alex hasn’t been here for most of the pregnancy, and I reckon that it has driven a gap between them, the fact that Alex isn’t here through something so important for us. Also… Alex didn’t say anything about Andy’s award for his poetry… he was trying to deal with you and his crazy voicemails. And Andy didn’t say anything about it, but… I think he’s upset. It was important for Andy, it was such an achievement. I don’t know… I think, for now, they’re better off being friendly than proper best friends.””

Slowly, your friend nodded.

“And the band, then?”

“Oh, Andy’s still composing! Recording, writing… Less gigs, though, but then again… we’re busy these days. But what about you? Anyone special?”

She laughed, shrugged.

“A girl or two. One guy was nice, and dear God, the sex was… wow. But nothing serious, no.”

She gave you a strange smile, not quite sad, not quite happy either. Somewhere floating in the middle.

“I miss him. And yet… I know that even if this is rough, I needed this. I’ve spent a long time doubting myself, wondering if I had made a mistake by leaving him, but… the more time passes, the more certain I become that I needed to leave. I can’t say that I’m over him, that I don’t miss him, that I don’t wake up sometimes with so much pain in my heart I want to rip the organ out of my chest… but then the moment ends, and I realize he wasn’t the answer anyway. I feel… better, I guess. Not there yet, but better. I wish the boys could mend their relationship, though... It won’t happen to us, right?”

But she was surprised by your laughter.

“Of course not! These two are men, thus stupid.”

Siobhán joined your laughter.

“Right, important detail!”

“Indeed… but no, I don’t think it’ll happen to us. None of us has ever been hurtful towards the other. We’ve never taken our frustration out on each other, the way Alex did…”

“No, you’re right. And if I ever do it, don’t let me. Slap me right across the face and don’t let me break our friendship. It’s… you’re important to me.”

You reached for her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

“You’re important to me to. And I grant you the right to smack me on the head if I ever act so stupidly.”

“Deal… but Y/N… you’re kind of crushing my hand…”

“Oh! Sorry! It’s the pregnancy. I have some kind of super strength now, but… I forget.”

“Wonder Woman!” Siobhán sang, making you double over with laughter.

With much difficulty and laughter, the mobile was, in the end, built. The little bees hovered and spun around a large hive, small flowers danced with them. You grinned at the sight.

You spent some more time talking with your friend, and Katie and John eventually joined you for a snack and some tea. It took longer for the team of painters to finish their work, but they joined you anyway, Andrew’s hold tee-shirt now stained with green dots here and there.

“I’ve left the window open, to get rid of the smell,” he told you, taking a seat in the chair next to yours in the kitchen. “We’ll get everything ready, but the smell is too strong for you still. I reckon you should wait a few hours before coming upstairs.”

You nodded, offered him a biscuit and he thanked you with a kiss on the cheek.

It took a few more hours to get the room ready. You let the rest of the group go upstairs and helped building stuff, gathering decorations and planning where things would go from downstairs, to avoid breathing the strong smell of paint too much. When the room was finally ready, it was twilight already.

Andrew had left the window of the bedroom open, so you could sneak a peek inside. And it was perfect… everything you wanted.

A soft sage shade on the walls, your baby’s crib with the wooden mobile fixed to it spinning slowly above the empty bed. A soft creamy carpet, a rocking chair by the window, fairy lights hanging across the green wall. There were plushies on the furniture already, and a soft blanket in the crib. It was perfect…

You took Andrew’s hand, and the two of you exchanged an emotional smile. The smell was making you nauseous, but you fought the feeling to make the moment last, to picture your little girl walking through the room, sleeping in her tiny crib, holding the plushie set on rocking chair. Andrew squeezed your hand to capture your gaze again, before he handed you a small wooden plate.

“Together?” he asked, and you nodded with a tender smile.

You moved before the door, and hung the plate, a joined action for a life you were building together.

Caoimhe.

This was your last day at Trinity.

Or, to be more precise, this was your last day before the beginning of your maternity leave.

You were supposed to give birth in 7 weeks now, but it had become too difficult to drive all the way to Dublin. Besides, it was almost October already, and it was easier to let a colleague give your classes from the beginning of the semester, rather than give a couple of classes and then disappear.

It was strange though, to think that you wouldn’t come back to Trinity for months, to think that you wouldn’t greet new students and give new classes this year. But the strangest thought was that this was your last day in the same office as Andrew.

You had accepted your new rank as professor, and were thus upgraded to a larger office, where you would be alone. A small table, a wardrobe, some shelves, a huge desk, a comfortable chair and a nice view over the grounds.

Andrew heaved a sigh as he put down the last of your boxes, filled with files, articles, and books on your desk.

“All done,” he smiled.

“Thank you, love.”

You rubbed at your painful back, trying to find a position that would relieve some of the tension in your muscles. Your baby was much heavier to carry now, your feet and back were aching, and your large belly hindered your movements more than ever.

“Turn around,” Andrew instructed, making your frown, but you complied anyway.

He moved behind you, and rested his hands on the underside of your belly, before gently lifting upwards.

You groaned with the relief of some of the weight being carried for you.

“Oh my God…” you breathed, letting your head fall back against Andrew’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

“Good?” he asked into the crown of your head, before placing a kiss there.

“You have no idea… it’s almost as good as sex…”

He laughed, but gave you one more minute without the weight of your baby to carry.

“I don’t know how to interpret this…”

“I said ‘almost’ only.”

Slowly, Andrew moved away and you kissed him to thank him.

“Can I be extra-annoying and ask for a foot massage tonight?” you asked with your most adorable puppy eyes. “My feet hurt a lot today.”

“Of course, love.”

You covered his face with kisses as a reward, making him giggle cutely.

But then, he looked around, and you noticed the way his gaze saddened.

“What are you thinking?” you probed, locking your elbow with his.

He shrugged, took some time to gather his thoughts and feelings, find a way to express them.

“I… I don’t know how to feel. On one hand I’m so happy for you, and so proud of you for achieving such a huge step in your career. On the other hand… I’m going to miss you terribly. I know it sounds stupid, it’s just an office, but… I liked looking up and seeing you there, and taking breaks with you and…”

He heaved a sigh, but you rubbed at his chest to soothe the ache there.

“It’s alright. I’m going to miss working in the same space as you too. But then again, you can come and work here whenever you want, you know?”

He hummed.

“I mean… you won’t be here for the rest of the pregnancy, so…”

“I bet you feel very comfortable with that,” you chuckled.

“I’m going to call you approximatively 200 times a day…” he joked. “Seriously, though… I liked being able to keep an eye on you. You’ll call me if there’s anything wrong, right?”

“Of course, love. But I’m okay. Just… too tired to work from here now.”

You were interrupted by a knock on your door, and when you invited the student to come in, you were surprised to see Saoirse smiling at you. You hadn’t seen her since the summer holidays, after she completed her master’s degree.

“Oh, come on in Saoirse! How are you?” you asked, inviting her to take a seat. “Don’t mind the mess, we’re moving my stuff to this office still.”

“I didn’t mean to bother you,” she apologised, but walked inside the room nonetheless.

“You’re not,” you shook your head, “not at all!”

“I just wanted to say goodbye. Heard you were taking your maternity leave so…”

“Yes… I’ll keep working from home for a couple of weeks, but after that, no more stress, just pure dread and horror at the thought of giving birth…”

You laughed, Andrew leaning closer to wrap an arm around your shoulders.

“I… I also wanted to bid you farewell… or goodbye, who knows, but… I’ve accepted the PhD offer at Harvard, from the researcher you recommended… do you remember? I’ll start in a month…”

“That’s amazing!” you congratulated her, and Andrew did so as well.

“Have you found a place to stay already?” Andrew asked, and you talked for a while about her moving abroad.

But you could see that there was something off, and when you asked her, she grew shier. Still, she needed to talk to someone.

“I… I’m worried about… my personal relationships and… moving abroad.”

“You mean Sean,” you nodded, and your acknowledgement of the situation broke the last barriers for Saoirse.

“Yeah… He keeps on saying that we’ll find a way, that we’ll be okay… but how can we be okay? Do you… do you think I should have chosen a university that was closer to home?”

You hesitated, but it was Andrew who answered in your stead, his voice gentle and warm.

“Do you want to do that PhD in Harvard?”

“More than anything! But I love Sean…”

“If he loves you, he’ll support you, and he’ll make it work.”

Her voice was a whisper when she spoke again.

“But what if he doesn’t?”

“Then… he didn’t love you as much as he claimed he did.”

She blinked up at Andrew.

“My mam says I should prioritize my relationship. That I should think long term with him, because I love him. And I do!”

“You can have both. You should have both. I’ve yet to meet a man to whom someone told him not to take up a chance to grow in his career because of his girlfriend.”

She clenched her jaw.

“Do you want that PhD?” Andrew asked again.

“More than anything.”

“Then go and get it. And if you truly love each other, Sean and you will make enough efforts and work hard enough on your relationship for it to survive long-distance.”

He gave her a soothing smile.

“Don’t think about… your career fighting against your love-life. The two can go together. Think about what you really want, what would make you truly happy. From there, you’ll make the right choices.”

“So… I shouldn’t prioritize…”

“You should choose what makes you truly happy.”

Slowly, she nodded.

“I guess… this is a goodbye for the next few years, then… Harvard is far away.”

You exchanged some smiles, talked some more before she left. When she did, leaving you and Andrew alone again, you finished to unpack your things, and then Andrew helped you walk to your car. He was the one driving, and you fell asleep before you could even leave Dublin. He helped you to take a shower, washing your hair and skin while you did the same for him. Once you were together lying on the sofa, with Elwood resting his head against the side of your belly to feel the baby, you heaved a relieved sigh when Andrew removed your socks and started massaging your aching, swollen feet.

“Thank you,” you breathed, closing your eyes as Andrew turned on the TV.

He merely hummed in response, working your painful muscles in silence. But your thoughts always went back to Saoirse, and what Andrew had told her.

“Honey… can I ask you something?”

“’Course,” he answered, straightening his glasses and keeping his gaze on the screen, where a game of hurling was being retransmitted.

“When you turned down the offer for an album… you didn’t… like… you did what would make you happy, right?”

He looked down at you with a frown, tilting his head in wonder.

“I mean… you didn’t… feel like you had to sacrifice your career…”

“No, love. I wanted to turn it down.”

“Okay…”

“Love… if there was something you wanted to do for your career, we would make it work. And I know we would make it work for me as well.”

You heaved a sigh.

“I hope Saoirse and Sean will figure it out. I would hate for her to have to go through such a choice.”

“I hope so too,” Andrew nodded.

“I appreciate what you told her.”

“I know it’s harder for women, and it shouldn’t be. A male student wouldn’t have thought that way. He would have taken the opportunity, thinking they’d figure something out. It would have been obvious to him that he deserved this career… and I wanted her to feel like she could do it too. If they love each other, they’ll figure something out, even if it’s hard. Besides, they’re young… they’ve yet to build a life and a family, they have time for that. For now, they need to think about getting their degrees, a job… the rest will come later.”

You nodded, growing quiet as your fingers got lost into Elwood’s soft fur. Andrew focused on the game again, but you didn’t really pay attention to his analyses of hurling strategies.

You’re

Clownlike, happiest on your hands,    Feet to the stars, and moon-skulled,    Gilled like a fish. A common-sense    Thumbs-down on the dodo’s mode.    Wrapped up in yourself like a spool,    Trawling your dark as owls do.    Mute as a turnip from the Fourth    Of July to All Fools’ Day, O high-riser, my little loaf.

Vague as fog and looked for like mail.    Farther off than Australia. Bent-backed Atlas, our traveled prawn.    Snug as a bud and at home    Like a sprat in a pickle jug.    A creel of eels, all ripples.    Jumpy as a Mexican bean.    Right, like a well-done sum.    A clean slate, with your own face on.

Sylvia Plath, Ariel, 1961

Siobhán and Alex were definitely broken up.

Siobhán had called you half-an-hour before. She told you about seeing Alex the previous night, how he apologised and finally gave her an explanation. How it wasn’t enough, how he still claimed it was all for her, when she knew it wasn’t. How she was moving on. How she felt stronger now, more like herself. You were happy for her, she deserved to feel empowered in a relationship, and Alex had clearly stirred her away from that, even if he hadn’t meant to.

Of course, you had hoped that things would end well for these two, as their love was clearly earnest for each other. Still… sometimes love wasn’t enough. It was a bitter reminder that love was a fragile thing, that it required foundations strong enough to survive earthquakes, and daily efforts to make it all worth fighting for.

You sat there at the breakfast table now with Andrew, quieter than usual. And maybe it was because of Siobhán, but really, deep down, you knew it was about you and Andrew.

You looked at him as he drank a gulp of coffee. All messy bun, dirty glasses and old brown hoodie, in the bright light of the lamp hanging from the ceiling, while the sky outside remained darkened with clouds heavy with rain. Soft and comfortable and safe. You watched as he roughly rubbed at his face, chasing away remnants of sleep, before yawning. Simple. Just himself.

Could this ever happen to the two of you? Drifting apart, breaking despite your love for each other?

Andrew blinked a couple of times before looking up at you, feeling your stare on him. He frowned at your expression.

“You’re okay, honey?”

“Yeah… sorry,” you tore yourself out of your thoughts with a jolt.

He heaved a sigh.

“Want to tell me what you’re thinking?”

You hesitated.

Could this happen to you?

If you stopped making efforts, of course, it could. But why would you stop making efforts, when… when there was no effort to begin with? It didn’t feel like an effort to talk to him, to spend time with him, to understand him. It was natural, it was even a craving.

Andrew reached out for your hand, kissed the pulse point on the inside of your wrist.

“Siobhán’s going to be okay. She just needs time,” he reassured you.

“I know… I think she made the right choice, it’s just…”

You let out a shaky breath.

“It’s scary, because I know they loved each other. And yet it still didn’t work.”

“Sometimes, loving someone isn’t enough. A relationship, it’s not just about love. It’s about choosing this person every day. It’s about staying even when it gets hard. It’s about knowing that this is the most important thing in your life, and not straying from it. Love is what glues it all together, but you can’t neglect the rest of the pieces either.”

“It’s not going to happen to us, right?”

You were surprised when Andrew chuckled, looked at you as if you were saying something stupid.

“Babe… of course, it won’t happen to us. We’re not like Siobhán and Alex.”

“They loved each other. Genuinely.”

But Andrew shook his head.

“I’m choosing you every day. I will always choose you. Every day. Alex didn’t.”

He heaved a sigh.

“I think Siobhán’s right. He started by wanting stability for her, and then he got caught up in that feeling, in touring, in wanting more, he left her behind. I won’t do that. I know what that feels like, to be left behind. I’ll never do that to you. And I think… I think we communicate better than them. We listen to each other. Besides… you know… you’re my best friend. Even if there wasn’t… kisses or sex or anything involving romance, I would still love you, and I would still seek you out. Because you’re my best friend. I’m not sure they had that kind of connection, beyond romance. You know what I mean? Even if you broke up with me, you would still be the person I would want to call to have a chat, the person I would want by my side for anything important or unimportant happening in my life. And that… that’s special, I think. I don’t know, maybe I’m just projecting things onto them, but…”

“No… no, I think you’re right. You’re my best friend too. And you’re right, even when we’re old and have lost all our libido… I’ll still seek your companionship, more than anything else. It’s always been like that with you. Even if I crave the physical intimacy too, what I treasure the most is the time we spend together.”

You exchanged tender smiles.

“We’re putting in the work, honey. I’m okay with how things are, are you?”

You nodded.

“I’m happy with you. Very happy.”

Andrew gave your hand a squeeze, ending the conversation with a tender smile. He took a look at his phone, but found only a black screen.

He had sent Alex a text to check on him, after Siobhán’s call, but had received no answer. Alex hadn’t called after leaving Siobhán’s place either. You hated the look of pain on your husband’s face, and he noticed your feelings as he looked up at you again.

He gave you a sad smile.

“I guess… things aren’t so good again between us after all, huh?” he let out in a loud exhale.

“I’m sorry, honey.”

“It’s okay. We’ll see how it goes.”

You rested your hand on your belly as you felt the baby kicking, the mood shifting instantly in the kitchen, growing warmer again.

“Is our angel moving around?” Andrew asked, beaming now.

“Yep! And… that was my bladder, angel,” you told your baby, making Andrew laugh.

“I can’t believe we’re going to know the gender in a few days… Days?! Do you realise that?!”

“No… not really… But then again, I don’t really care. I’ll love them the same.”

“Me too, of course. Still…”

“You’ll be a wonderful father regardless.”

Andrew reached over the table to place a hand on the top of your belly, and you instantly covered his fingers with yours, keeping him there.

“I mean… I have a better understanding of being a boy, you know… I’ve been through it. I’m a little worried I won’t be able to understand her as well…”

“You’d be such a good da for a little girl. You’ll make her feel so safe.”

He blushed hard, and looked away to hide the emotions that were rising to his eyes.

“Argh! You’re just saying that.”

“No! I mean it! She’ll have you wrapped around her little finger!”

You both laughed.

“It’ll be the same for a little laddie,” he argued.

“True… I’ll be happy to have a boy too.”

“Me too. God… if it’s a girl, I’ll have to learn how to do braids and stuff… I have only two hair options, and they both involve a bun of some kind… I’ll have to up my game.”

You laughed at the slight panic in his eyes, warmth spreading across your chest.

“I’ll coach you.”

“Thanks…”

“Just a few days left to wait.”

“Then, we’ll choose their name!”

You exchanged a grin.

“I have my list ready,” said Andrew.

“Really?”

“Of course!”

“Let me guess… the number one is probably… some reference to a blues musician.”

“Wrong… It’s obviously Andrew junior.”

You burst into laughter.

“Oh, sorry… forgot the egomaniac tendency for a sec…”

“You should never underestimate me.”

“I thought we could call them… Parmesan, or… Vinegar…”

“Jesus Christ, that’s so much worse!”

You laughed, bright and happy and carefree, your hands joined above your little baby.

Andrew kept rubbing at his palm, despite your best efforts to soothe him. Not that you were surprised by his nerves, you felt the same mixture of excitement and dread. This ultrasound meant getting a picture of your baby, listening to their heartbeat, seeing them on the screen and learning if they were a boy or a girl… But it was also a check-up, aimed to detect any growth or health issue.

You felt your baby moving, giving a little kick, and you soothingly rested your hand over the spot.

“Mrs. Y/L/N?”

You looked up as you were called, Andrew already on his feet and ready to follow the sonographer.

She let you lie down and get comfortable while she was getting the ultrasound ready. She asked you some basic questions as well, inquiring if you had encountered any issues in your pregnancy so far.

Once she was satisfied with your answers, she finally turned to the two of you.

“Today, we’re going to check the growth of your baby, check the heartbeat and we can also determine if it’s a boy or a girl… do you want to know?”

You both nodded.

“Yes, we’d like to know,” Andrew answered, his voice slightly shaky.

“Would you like for the result to be sealed for a gender reveal or…”

“No, we want to know now,” you shook your head.

“Alright! Let’s get started, then! Ready to see your baby?”

You grinned at the midwife, nodding enthusiastically. You lifted up your tee-shirt, reached for Andrew’s hand while the sonographer asked if she could tuck some tissue paper around your waistband to protect your jeans. You nodded, your heart beating a thousand miles a minute.

“This gel is still cold and sticky as hell… They haven’t figured that out yet,” she joked, before applying a translucid gel to the probe she would use for the ultrasound.

She applied the gel across your tummy, and you still jumped a little despite her warning and having done this once before. The machine let out a beep after she pressed a button on the screen.

“Alright… here we go!”

She tapped on a keyboard, touched the screen a couple of times. And then, all of a sudden, a loud booming sound echoed through the room, deep and rhythmic, a quick pulse shaking your whole being.

The midwife smiled.

“That’s your baby’s heartbeat. All normal, loud and clear.”

Andrew tightened his hold on your hand, and you exchanged a long, tender look. You could see he was holding back tears as well.

Ta-boom, ta-boom, ta-boom…

Your baby’s heartbeat…

“I’m making some measurements, real quick… but so far, everything seems normal…”

You heaved a relieved sigh, looking at Andrew again. He gave you a reassuring smile. You knew what he meant.

I’m here… everything’s okay…

“We are at… 23 cm for the baby… which is perfectly normal for the end of the fifth month. So far so good… but baby is not cooperating for me to check on the limbs properly…”

She turned to you, moved her chair closer.

“I’m going to press on your tummy to move the baby around. It’s perfectly safe, but it’ll be uncomfortable for you.”

You nodded, tightening your hold on Andrew’s hand as the sonographer pressed against the side of your round belly. Harder than you had anticipated. It wasn’t painful, though… but definitely uncomfortable. You felt the baby kicking right against your bladder and you hoped you wouldn’t have to tell the sonographer to stop to go to the toilet…

The sonographer moved the probe again, pressed on the underside of your belly this time. But then, she let go and let out a satisfied hum.

“Ha! Much better! Her legs and arms were all folded, it was hard to have a good view…”

“Her?!”

You interrupted the sonographer without thinking. You blinked to get the tears out of your eyes as you turned to Andrew, who was clearly not breathing as he stared at the doctor as well.

She smiled, turned the screen towards you.

Your baby was there, in black and white, in the weird picture left by the ultrasound, but you could see clearly little arms and legs, a head…

“Yes,” the sonographer nodded, “that’s definitely a little girl there.”

You couldn’t help the tears that rolled down your cheek as you stared at the screen.

“A girl? You’re sure?” you heard Andrew asking in a shaky voice, but your eyes were glued to the screen.

“Certain! Congratulations!”

Andrew let out an aghast chuckle, holding your hand with both of his now.

“Her legs and arms are perfect! Her growth is perfectly on schedule! The placenta is perfectly attached, the umbilical cord is untangled and well-developed. All is well!”

You let out a relieved sigh as you brushed another tear away, staring at the screen, listening still to the thumping sound of your baby’s heartbeat…

… your daughter’s heartbeat.

After getting some more measurements done, you were ready to leave. The sensation of the gel over your skin was sticky and uncomfortable, but you didn’t pay any attention to it.

A girl…

You followed Andrew around to the entrance desk to get the pictures and the results of the ultrasound. You let your husband take the lead to guide you through corridors, until you were outside again, under the sun.

A girl…

You barely noticed when Andrew took a quick turn to the right, and aimed his steps towards the side of the building rather than the parking lot. You followed him though, your hand in his. You would have followed him anywhere anyway…

He stopped once you were out of sight from the main gate, nobody around. He let out a shaky breath, turned to you with an aghast look on his face as he ran his fingers through his curls.

“A girl?” he breathed.

You realised he was shaking, but there was a bright smile growing across his lips, becoming more and more radiant as he seemed to finally let the news sink in.

You nodded, your own grin joining his.

“We’re having a baby girl!” you nodded, covering your mouth as you let tears overwhelm you.

Andrew wrapped his arms around you, and you held him close, burying your face in his shoulder.

“We’re going to have a daughter,” he breathed, laughing now as joy overflowed in his tall frame, as he couldn’t contain such happiness in the space between his ribcage, he had to let it out somehow.

He cradled your face in his hand, tilting your head up so he could kiss you. Slow, loving, but with something desperate too. You felt the same, overexcitement making you giddy.

You remained in each other’s arms for a long while, taking your time to let the news sink in. Andrew’s hand was back on your belly, he didn’t even seem to have noticed his own gesture. You kissed some more, made aghast remarks every once in a while, but mostly just remained quiet, in a tight and safe embrace that soothed both of your worlds.

A girl…

At long last, you went back to your car, holding hands and trying hard not to cry again. You were shaking slightly, feeling a little weak on your legs, and when you told so to Andrew, he wrapped a protective arm around your waist.

“Want to wait for me here? I’ll get the car.”

“No, it’s okay… I’m fine. I just… I’m just so happy!”

He laughed, nodding.

“Me too. I’m so happy too…”

You had barely fastened your seat belt that you took out your phone while Andrew was turning on the engines.

You tapped on Siobhán’s name on the screen, put her on speaker so Andrew would hear your conversation as well.

She picked up almost immediately.

“Hey, you! How did it go?”

You grinned, trying to force the words out despite your throat tightening with emotions.

“Grand! Everything’s normal, our baby is perfect, but that was to be expected.”

By your side, Andrew chuckled, shaking his head.

“So… do you know the gender?”

You took a breath before answering.

“Yeah… we’re having a girl!”

Siobhán’s shriek made both you and Andrew laugh.

“Oh my God! Congratulations to both of you! Oh my God… I’m having a niece!”

“Thank you,” Andrew spoke loudly enough for her to hear.

“I need to go shopping… my God… Oh my God…I need to go shopping right now! I need to go buy that tiny blue dress I saw the other day. It had little penguins on it! It was so CUTE! HAAAA!”

You laughed at your friend, your chest feeling warm and soft.

“Don’t spoil her already!”

“Of course, I’m going to spoil her! She’s my niece!”

You told her the details of the ultrasound, told her your daughter was healthy and well and everything was normal.

“You deserve a good bath and some time relaxing now, that must be a lot of emotions for you,” she said as you were about to end the call.

You laughed.

“Oh, I might do that tonight, yes… But we’re heading to Andrew’s parents now. When we told Rainey we had this appointment today, she told us to come by during the afternoon. Clearly, she can’t wait to be a grandma!” you laughed.

“Alright, have fun with the in-laws then… but take some rest!”

“Yes, mum.”

“Very funny! Alright, I’ll leave you to it, then. Love you!”

“Love you, Siobhán! Bye!”

“Bye!”

“Bye!”

You hung up, heaved a sigh. You reached for your bag again to get the snacks you had brought along, and munched on them for the rest of the drive, with a hand on Andrew’s thigh and happy music filling up the car.

Raine must have heard you parking the car before her house, because she opened the door when Andrew was opening your car door for you and helping you out of the vehicle.

You grinned at her when Raine excitedly joined her hands together, watching Andrew and you walking to her front door.

“So? How did it go? Do you know if it’s a wee boy or girl?”

You laughed, kissed her cheek as you said hello, gave her a quick hug.

“Everything’s fine,” Andrew reassured her.

He gave his mother a hug too, and she let you both inside.

John was sitting on the couch, a book in his hand, and Andrew’s brother was here too, greeting both of you with a quick hug.

“Ha! How did it go? How’s my grandson?” John asked, making you all laugh.

“I see predictions have been made,” Andrew shook his head, laughing as he bent over to give his father a hug too.

“Bets, you mean,” corrected Jon. “We’re both rooting for a boy, but mam says it’s a girl.”

“I can feel it,” Raine nodded.

“And? Who’s right, then?” asked John. “And is everything alright for you, pet?”

You nodded, a hand resting on your round belly out of habits.

“I’m fine. The baby is perfectly fine. Perfect heartbeat, perfect growth, perfect for everything!”

“Oh! That’s amazing!” Raine sighed, taking your hand and giving it a warm squeeze.

“And? The gender? Boy or girl?” Jon insisted.

“What was the bet?” Andrew asked, clearly dragging it out.

“Losers will have to sit next to Finn at the next family gathering.”

You broke into laughter, while Andrew dramatically sighed.

“Well… I’m afraid you’re up for a very boring afternoon, both you and da… cause…”

“You’re having a girl?!” Raine interrupted him, and you nodded.

She cried out, hurried to give you a tight hug.

“Oh! That is wonderful! A little girl! I’m going to have a granddaughter!”

You all hugged each other in turns, happy and laughing, sunshine coming from all your hearts and spreading through the room.

“Oh! I saw this absolutely adorable little dress and tee the other day! They had little whales on them!” Raine exclaimed. “I have to get you the set, it was so pretty!”

Andrew laughed, wrapped an arm around his mother’s shoulder and kissed her head.

“This girl is going to be so spoiled,” he joked.

You exchanged a grin.

You’re

Clownlike, happiest on your hands,    Feet to the stars, and moon-skulled,    Gilled like a fish. A common-sense    Thumbs-down on the dodo’s mode.    Wrapped up in yourself like a spool,    Trawling your dark as owls do.    Mute as a turnip from the Fourth    Of July to All Fools’ Day, O high-riser, my little loaf.

Vague as fog and looked for like mail.    Farther off than Australia. Bent-backed Atlas, our traveled prawn.    Snug as a bud and at home    Like a sprat in a pickle jug.    A creel of eels, all ripples.    Jumpy as a Mexican bean.    Right, like a well-done sum.    A clean slate, with your own face on.

Sylvia Plath, Ariel, 1961

Siobhán and Alex were definitely broken up.

Siobhán had called you half-an-hour before. She told you about seeing Alex the previous night, how he apologised and finally gave her an explanation. How it wasn’t enough, how he still claimed it was all for her, when she knew it wasn’t. How she was moving on. How she felt stronger now, more like herself. You were happy for her, she deserved to feel empowered in a relationship, and Alex had clearly stirred her away from that, even if he hadn’t meant to.

Of course, you had hoped that things would end well for these two, as their love was clearly earnest for each other. Still… sometimes love wasn’t enough. It was a bitter reminder that love was a fragile thing, that it required foundations strong enough to survive earthquakes, and daily efforts to make it all worth fighting for.

You sat there at the breakfast table now with Andrew, quieter than usual. And maybe it was because of Siobhán, but really, deep down, you knew it was about you and Andrew.

You looked at him as he drank a gulp of coffee. All messy bun, dirty glasses and old brown hoodie, in the bright light of the lamp hanging from the ceiling, while the sky outside remained darkened with clouds heavy with rain. Soft and comfortable and safe. You watched as he roughly rubbed at his face, chasing away remnants of sleep, before yawning. Simple. Just himself.

Could this ever happen to the two of you? Drifting apart, breaking despite your love for each other?

Andrew blinked a couple of times before looking up at you, feeling your stare on him. He frowned at your expression.

“You’re okay, honey?”

“Yeah… sorry,” you tore yourself out of your thoughts with a jolt.

He heaved a sigh.

“Want to tell me what you’re thinking?”

You hesitated.

Could this happen to you?

If you stopped making efforts, of course, it could. But why would you stop making efforts, when… when there was no effort to begin with? It didn’t feel like an effort to talk to him, to spend time with him, to understand him. It was natural, it was even a craving.

Andrew reached out for your hand, kissed the pulse point on the inside of your wrist.

“Siobhán’s going to be okay. She just needs time,” he reassured you.

“I know… I think she made the right choice, it’s just…”

You let out a shaky breath.

“It’s scary, because I know they loved each other. And yet it still didn’t work.”

“Sometimes, loving someone isn’t enough. A relationship, it’s not just about love. It’s about choosing this person every day. It’s about staying even when it gets hard. It’s about knowing that this is the most important thing in your life, and not straying from it. Love is what glues it all together, but you can’t neglect the rest of the pieces either.”

“It’s not going to happen to us, right?”

You were surprised when Andrew chuckled, looked at you as if you were saying something stupid.

“Babe… of course, it won’t happen to us. We’re not like Siobhán and Alex.”

“They loved each other. Genuinely.”

But Andrew shook his head.

“I’m choosing you every day. I will always choose you. Every day. Alex didn’t.”

He heaved a sigh.

“I think Siobhán’s right. He started by wanting stability for her, and then he got caught up in that feeling, in touring, in wanting more, he left her behind. I won’t do that. I know what that feels like, to be left behind. I’ll never do that to you. And I think… I think we communicate better than them. We listen to each other. Besides… you know… you’re my best friend. Even if there wasn’t… kisses or sex or anything involving romance, I would still love you, and I would still seek you out. Because you’re my best friend. I’m not sure they had that kind of connection, beyond romance. You know what I mean? Even if you broke up with me, you would still be the person I would want to call to have a chat, the person I would want by my side for anything important or unimportant happening in my life. And that… that’s special, I think. I don’t know, maybe I’m just projecting things onto them, but…”

“No… no, I think you’re right. You’re my best friend too. And you’re right, even when we’re old and have lost all our libido… I’ll still seek your companionship, more than anything else. It’s always been like that with you. Even if I crave the physical intimacy too, what I treasure the most is the time we spend together.”

You exchanged tender smiles.

“We’re putting in the work, honey. I’m okay with how things are, are you?”

You nodded.

“I’m happy with you. Very happy.”

Andrew gave your hand a squeeze, ending the conversation with a tender smile. He took a look at his phone, but found only a black screen.

He had sent Alex a text to check on him, after Siobhán’s call, but had received no answer. Alex hadn’t called after leaving Siobhán’s place either. You hated the look of pain on your husband’s face, and he noticed your feelings as he looked up at you again.

He gave you a sad smile.

“I guess… things aren’t so good again between us after all, huh?” he let out in a loud exhale.

“I’m sorry, honey.”

“It’s okay. We’ll see how it goes.”

You rested your hand on your belly as you felt the baby kicking, the mood shifting instantly in the kitchen, growing warmer again.

“Is our angel moving around?” Andrew asked, beaming now.

“Yep! And… that was my bladder, angel,” you told your baby, making Andrew laugh.

“I can’t believe we’re going to know the gender in a few days… Days?! Do you realise that?!”

“No… not really… But then again, I don’t really care. I’ll love them the same.”

“Me too, of course. Still…”

“You’ll be a wonderful father regardless.”

Andrew reached over the table to place a hand on the top of your belly, and you instantly covered his fingers with yours, keeping him there.

“I mean… I have a better understanding of being a boy, you know… I’ve been through it. I’m a little worried I won’t be able to understand her as well…”

“You’d be such a good da for a little girl. You’ll make her feel so safe.”

He blushed hard, and looked away to hide the emotions that were rising to his eyes.

“Argh! You’re just saying that.”

“No! I mean it! She’ll have you wrapped around her little finger!”

You both laughed.

“It’ll be the same for a little laddie,” he argued.

“True… I’ll be happy to have a boy too.”

“Me too. God… if it’s a girl, I’ll have to learn how to do braids and stuff… I have only two hair options, and they both involve a bun of some kind… I’ll have to up my game.”

You laughed at the slight panic in his eyes, warmth spreading across your chest.

“I’ll coach you.”

“Thanks…”

“Just a few days left to wait.”

“Then, we’ll choose their name!”

You exchanged a grin.

“I have my list ready,” said Andrew.

“Really?”

“Of course!”

“Let me guess… the number one is probably… some reference to a blues musician.”

“Wrong… It’s obviously Andrew junior.”

You burst into laughter.

“Oh, sorry… forgot the egomaniac tendency for a sec…”

“You should never underestimate me.”

“I thought we could call them… Parmesan, or… Vinegar…”

“Jesus Christ, that’s so much worse!”

You laughed, bright and happy and carefree, your hands joined above your little baby.

Andrew kept rubbing at his palm, despite your best efforts to soothe him. Not that you were surprised by his nerves, you felt the same mixture of excitement and dread. This ultrasound meant getting a picture of your baby, listening to their heartbeat, seeing them on the screen and learning if they were a boy or a girl… But it was also a check-up, aimed to detect any growth or health issue.

You felt your baby moving, giving a little kick, and you soothingly rested your hand over the spot.

“Mrs. Y/L/N?”

You looked up as you were called, Andrew already on his feet and ready to follow the sonographer.

She let you lie down and get comfortable while she was getting the ultrasound ready. She asked you some basic questions as well, inquiring if you had encountered any issues in your pregnancy so far.

Once she was satisfied with your answers, she finally turned to the two of you.

“Today, we’re going to check the growth of your baby, check the heartbeat and we can also determine if it’s a boy or a girl… do you want to know?”

You both nodded.

“Yes, we’d like to know,” Andrew answered, his voice slightly shaky.

“Would you like for the result to be sealed for a gender reveal or…”

“No, we want to know now,” you shook your head.

“Alright! Let’s get started, then! Ready to see your baby?”

You grinned at the midwife, nodding enthusiastically. You lifted up your tee-shirt, reached for Andrew’s hand while the sonographer asked if she could tuck some tissue paper around your waistband to protect your jeans. You nodded, your heart beating a thousand miles a minute.

“This gel is still cold and sticky as hell… They haven’t figured that out yet,” she joked, before applying a translucid gel to the probe she would use for the ultrasound.

She applied the gel across your tummy, and you still jumped a little despite her warning and having done this once before. The machine let out a beep after she pressed a button on the screen.

“Alright… here we go!”

She tapped on a keyboard, touched the screen a couple of times. And then, all of a sudden, a loud booming sound echoed through the room, deep and rhythmic, a quick pulse shaking your whole being.

The midwife smiled.

“That’s your baby’s heartbeat. All normal, loud and clear.”

Andrew tightened his hold on your hand, and you exchanged a long, tender look. You could see he was holding back tears as well.

Ta-boom, ta-boom, ta-boom…

Your baby’s heartbeat…

“I’m making some measurements, real quick… but so far, everything seems normal…”

You heaved a relieved sigh, looking at Andrew again. He gave you a reassuring smile. You knew what he meant.

I’m here… everything’s okay…

“We are at… 23 cm for the baby… which is perfectly normal for the end of the fifth month. So far so good… but baby is not cooperating for me to check on the limbs properly…”

She turned to you, moved her chair closer.

“I’m going to press on your tummy to move the baby around. It’s perfectly safe, but it’ll be uncomfortable for you.”

You nodded, tightening your hold on Andrew’s hand as the sonographer pressed against the side of your round belly. Harder than you had anticipated. It wasn’t painful, though… but definitely uncomfortable. You felt the baby kicking right against your bladder and you hoped you wouldn’t have to tell the sonographer to stop to go to the toilet…

The sonographer moved the probe again, pressed on the underside of your belly this time. But then, she let go and let out a satisfied hum.

“Ha! Much better! Her legs and arms were all folded, it was hard to have a good view…”

“Her?!”

You interrupted the sonographer without thinking. You blinked to get the tears out of your eyes as you turned to Andrew, who was clearly not breathing as he stared at the doctor as well.

She smiled, turned the screen towards you.

Your baby was there, in black and white, in the weird picture left by the ultrasound, but you could see clearly little arms and legs, a head…

“Yes,” the sonographer nodded, “that’s definitely a little girl there.”

You couldn’t help the tears that rolled down your cheek as you stared at the screen.

“A girl? You’re sure?” you heard Andrew asking in a shaky voice, but your eyes were glued to the screen.

“Certain! Congratulations!”

Andrew let out an aghast chuckle, holding your hand with both of his now.

“Her legs and arms are perfect! Her growth is perfectly on schedule! The placenta is perfectly attached, the umbilical cord is untangled and well-developed. All is well!”

You let out a relieved sigh as you brushed another tear away, staring at the screen, listening still to the thumping sound of your baby’s heartbeat…

… your daughter’s heartbeat.

After getting some more measurements done, you were ready to leave. The sensation of the gel over your skin was sticky and uncomfortable, but you didn’t pay any attention to it.

A girl…

You followed Andrew around to the entrance desk to get the pictures and the results of the ultrasound. You let your husband take the lead to guide you through corridors, until you were outside again, under the sun.

A girl…

You barely noticed when Andrew took a quick turn to the right, and aimed his steps towards the side of the building rather than the parking lot. You followed him though, your hand in his. You would have followed him anywhere anyway…

He stopped once you were out of sight from the main gate, nobody around. He let out a shaky breath, turned to you with an aghast look on his face as he ran his fingers through his curls.

“A girl?” he breathed.

You realised he was shaking, but there was a bright smile growing across his lips, becoming more and more radiant as he seemed to finally let the news sink in.

You nodded, your own grin joining his.

“We’re having a baby girl!” you nodded, covering your mouth as you let tears overwhelm you.

Andrew wrapped his arms around you, and you held him close, burying your face in his shoulder.

“We’re going to have a daughter,” he breathed, laughing now as joy overflowed in his tall frame, as he couldn’t contain such happiness in the space between his ribcage, he had to let it out somehow.

He cradled your face in his hand, tilting your head up so he could kiss you. Slow, loving, but with something desperate too. You felt the same, overexcitement making you giddy.

You remained in each other’s arms for a long while, taking your time to let the news sink in. Andrew’s hand was back on your belly, he didn’t even seem to have noticed his own gesture. You kissed some more, made aghast remarks every once in a while, but mostly just remained quiet, in a tight and safe embrace that soothed both of your worlds.

A girl…

At long last, you went back to your car, holding hands and trying hard not to cry again. You were shaking slightly, feeling a little weak on your legs, and when you told so to Andrew, he wrapped a protective arm around your waist.

“Want to wait for me here? I’ll get the car.”

“No, it’s okay… I’m fine. I just… I’m just so happy!”

He laughed, nodding.

“Me too. I’m so happy too…”

You had barely fastened your seat belt that you took out your phone while Andrew was turning on the engines.

You tapped on Siobhán’s name on the screen, put her on speaker so Andrew would hear your conversation as well.

She picked up almost immediately.

“Hey, you! How did it go?”

You grinned, trying to force the words out despite your throat tightening with emotions.

“Grand! Everything’s normal, our baby is perfect, but that was to be expected.”

By your side, Andrew chuckled, shaking his head.

“So… do you know the gender?”

You took a breath before answering.

“Yeah… we’re having a girl!”

Siobhán’s shriek made both you and Andrew laugh.

“Oh my God! Congratulations to both of you! Oh my God… I’m having a niece!”

“Thank you,” Andrew spoke loudly enough for her to hear.

“I need to go shopping… my God… Oh my God…I need to go shopping right now! I need to go buy that tiny blue dress I saw the other day. It had little penguins on it! It was so CUTE! HAAAA!”

You laughed at your friend, your chest feeling warm and soft.

“Don’t spoil her already!”

“Of course, I’m going to spoil her! She’s my niece!”

You told her the details of the ultrasound, told her your daughter was healthy and well and everything was normal.

“You deserve a good bath and some time relaxing now, that must be a lot of emotions for you,” she said as you were about to end the call.

You laughed.

“Oh, I might do that tonight, yes… But we’re heading to Andrew’s parents now. When we told Rainey we had this appointment today, she told us to come by during the afternoon. Clearly, she can’t wait to be a grandma!” you laughed.

“Alright, have fun with the in-laws then… but take some rest!”

“Yes, mum.”

“Very funny! Alright, I’ll leave you to it, then. Love you!”

“Love you, Siobhán! Bye!”

“Bye!”

“Bye!”

You hung up, heaved a sigh. You reached for your bag again to get the snacks you had brought along, and munched on them for the rest of the drive, with a hand on Andrew’s thigh and happy music filling up the car.

Raine must have heard you parking the car before her house, because she opened the door when Andrew was opening your car door for you and helping you out of the vehicle.

You grinned at her when Raine excitedly joined her hands together, watching Andrew and you walking to her front door.

“So? How did it go? Do you know if it’s a wee boy or girl?”

You laughed, kissed her cheek as you said hello, gave her a quick hug.

“Everything’s fine,” Andrew reassured her.

He gave his mother a hug too, and she let you both inside.

John was sitting on the couch, a book in his hand, and Andrew’s brother was here too, greeting both of you with a quick hug.

“Ha! How did it go? How’s my grandson?” John asked, making you all laugh.

“I see predictions have been made,” Andrew shook his head, laughing as he bent over to give his father a hug too.

“Bets, you mean,” corrected Jon. “We’re both rooting for a boy, but mam says it’s a girl.”

“I can feel it,” Raine nodded.

“And? Who’s right, then?” asked John. “And is everything alright for you, pet?”

You nodded, a hand resting on your round belly out of habits.

“I’m fine. The baby is perfectly fine. Perfect heartbeat, perfect growth, perfect for everything!”

“Oh! That’s amazing!” Raine sighed, taking your hand and giving it a warm squeeze.

“And? The gender? Boy or girl?” Jon insisted.

“What was the bet?” Andrew asked, clearly dragging it out.

“Losers will have to sit next to Finn at the next family gathering.”

You broke into laughter, while Andrew dramatically sighed.

“Well… I’m afraid you’re up for a very boring afternoon, both you and da… cause…”

“You’re having a girl?!” Raine interrupted him, and you nodded.

She cried out, hurried to give you a tight hug.

“Oh! That is wonderful! A little girl! I’m going to have a granddaughter!”

You all hugged each other in turns, happy and laughing, sunshine coming from all your hearts and spreading through the room.

“Oh! I saw this absolutely adorable little dress and tee the other day! They had little whales on them!” Raine exclaimed. “I have to get you the set, it was so pretty!”

Andrew laughed, wrapped an arm around his mother’s shoulder and kissed her head.

“This girl is going to be so spoiled,” he joked.

You exchanged a grin.

Ebb

I know what my heart is like

      Since your love died:

It is like a hollow ledge

Holding a little pool

      Left there by the tide,

      A little tepid pool,

Drying inward from the edge.

Edna St Vincent Millay

Alex and Andy weren’t back to normal by any means, but they were okay, and that was already something.

After that afternoon at Katie’s, they texted throughout the next week. Nothing going too deep, but Andrew gave Alex some updates on you and the baby, and Alex told him about these regular gigs he got signed for around Dublin. When Andrew laughed at some stupid memes Alex had sent him, your heart filled with warmth. Maybe they wouldn’t go back to how things were before… but Andrew was happier with his friend in his life, and you were too.

Your second ultrasound was planned in just ten days. The five months mark was getting closer, your belly now swollen and starting to get in the way of your daily tasks. You were annoyed by it sometimes, but then you’d look down at the round shape, and all traces of anger would be gone.

Your body was changing though. At an incredible speed. You felt like you were barely getting used to a change and then another occurred. You had started using some oil to avoid stretch marks, but it didn’t seem very efficient, the lines becoming more and more obvious as your skin stretched too fast. Your back was aching with the extra weight you had to carry. It was harder to bend down. However, you were beginning to get that pregnancy super-strength, thanks to the extra testosterone, and you had to admit that looking at Andrew’s surprised expression while you opened a jar he couldn’t get open was very satisfying.

“Now more than ever… remind me to stay on your good side, love…”

But he didn’t have to worry about being on your good side. The way he cared for you spoke volume. Maybe he was a little too worried sometimes, but you couldn’t blame him. You did enjoy riling him up so easily these days though…

“What the fuck do you think you’re about to do?!”

You turned to him, all innocent. You wanted to reach these cookies that were in the upper cupboards (and that you could totally reach just by getting on your tiptoes), but when Andrew had walked in the kitchen, you feigned to use a chair to grab your snack.

You pushed the chair before the cupboards.

“It’s too high, and it hurts my back to reach up…”

But Andrew took the chair and put it back around the table.

“Are you out of your mind?! You’re not standing on a chair, that’s dangerous!”

You wanted to roll your eyes, but you couldn’t, using all your strength to refrain your laughter.

He cursed under his breath.

“What do you want in that cupboard anyway, like…?”

“The cookies.”

“Are you hungry? You want to eat early tonight?”

“No… I just want cookies.”

He picked up the snacks, handed them to you.

“Look… you have a tall husband… for once, my height is actually useful, and not a mere hazard against doorframes and lamps. So, please… if you need something, you ask me, okay?”

You couldn’t refrain your laughter anymore.

“I wasn’t going to get on the chair, I just wanted to rile you up!” you confessed, making him roll his eyes. “Did it work, then?”

“Oh, it definitely did, yes… Jesus Christ, I saw my life flashing before my eyes when I thought you were going to climb on that thing…”

You laughed as you took a cookie and then a bite. Andrew stole one from you, even if he was still annoyed at your antics. You were about to tease him some more when you felt something in your stomach. Or… in your belly… you couldn’t quite define what but it was unusual, for sure. It wasn’t the usual movement you felt sometimes, it was stronger.

Your face dropped, and you put down the cookies, reaching a hand to your stomach. Andrew’s frown deepened, this time out of worry.

“You’re okay?”

You shook your head.

“I don’t know… I got a weird feeling…”

“Are you in pain?”

“No… it was just…”

You felt it again. Like something pushing against your skin from the inside, a little bit like…

Your expression changed from fear to absolute happiness.

“Oh, my God…”

“What?!”

“I think… I think I’ve just felt the baby kicking! Like… a proper kick!”

Andrew’s face broke into the brightest of grins.

“Really?”

You reached for his hand, slipped it under your large t-shirt and against your skin, trying to place his palm around the area where you had felt the kicking.

It happened again, and this time, Andrew let out a breathy, aghast laugh.

“I felt it, too!” he grinned, tears in his eyes.

“Our baby’s kicking! Do you feel that?”

Andrew nodded, a laughter bubbling past his lips.

“Wow… my little baby’s kicking!”

He knelt before you, lifted your tee so he could press his lips against your skin. He giggled when he felt the kicking again, against his chin.

“You’re moving around a lot, huh? My little angel…”

His voice was so soft, deep, low, a rumble of soothing words… you felt your body liquifying at the sound. He peppered kisses across your belly, making you giggle while you ran your fingers through his hair. He kissed the stretch marks, too, lingered on them, actually. They still felt strange to you, but he soothed some of your anxiety, at least.

“Oh! That was a strong one!” he laughed, as he felt another kick.

“I think they want more cookie.”

“They want more cookie, or you do?”

“We both do.”

Andrew laughed, but didn’t move from his spot on the ground. He rested his cheek against your belly, closed his eyes, mumbled sweet words into your skin.

“I love you so much, my little angel…”

You were on your way to kick Andrew’s arse at chess when your phone rang. It was late in the afternoon already, Elwood was playing with his toys, or sometimes looking for scratches from Andrew. That was your husband’s excuse for losing this afternoon, but you reckon the reason had more to do with his busy head. Andrew was getting worried over the next ultrasound, and he had an important lecture to give at a conference just two weeks away. Which meant that he had to travel to Boston, he would stay there for a full week. The thought of leaving you alone here, while pregnant, was turning his nights into insomnias. You had told him not to worry, that you would be fine, that his parents and brother had already planned to keep an eye on you. Still… Andrew’s mind kept on overthinking.

He handed you your phone without a second thought, not bothering checking who was calling as he focused on the game at end, trying to choose his next move.

You smiled as your best friend’s name lit up the screen.

“Hey, you!”

“Hey, Y/N… Can I talk to you for a sec?”

You frowned, recognising her tone. There was something wrong…

You thought of that voicemail Alex had left for her the previous week. She had called that night, panicking, and told you she was going to erase the voicemails.

Clearly, she hadn’t.

“I’ve made a mistake. Something terribly stupid…”

You heaved a sigh.

“You listened to Alex’s voicemails?”

“How do you know?”

“I know you. I was certain you wouldn’t erase them.”

“Yeah… why am I so weak…?”

“You’re not weak. So… the voicemails?”

Andrew looked up at you, clearly understanding very well the situation. He moved one of his puns over the board, and then stared at you, his chin resting on his palm while he tried to get crumbs of the conversation.

“It was… a lot.”

She heaved a sigh, sniffled.

“He apologised, and he… he said that… he got so obsessed with his job because he wanted to have… a proper career for me, so we would have stability for our family and…”

Her voice broke.

“I didn’t understand… at the time, I really didn’t understand that this was what he was going through, that he was putting so much weight on his own shoulders, that he was under so much pressure just because he didn’t fucking open his mouth and talked to me and…”

She blew her nose before resuming with a sigh.

“He said I’m the love of his life… Christ Y/N… I was doing better… why is he doing this to me now?!”

You let out a long breath.

“He apologised to Andy too… they’ve been talking again.”

“Good… I mean… I want to rip his heart out, but good, I guess…”

“What are you going to do?”

“Gonna block his number, obviously.”

A short silence, you were wearing a sad smile when you answered.

“You should call him. Text him to meet up instead. You two need to talk face to face.”

“Absolutely not. I’m gonna block him. I don’t even know why I’m calling you, cause there’s nothing to say. I’m gonna block him.”

Before you could get another word out, Siobhán had hung up.

“So?” Andrew asked before you had time to put down your phone.

You heaved a sigh, rested a hand on your belly.

“She said she’ll block him, but I know her. She’s gonna call him.”

“Do you think they’ll be fine?”

“I don’t know… I hope so… If not, I hope they get closure, at least. Anyway…”

 You moved your queen across the board.

“Checkmate!”

Siobhán did not block Alex’s number.

She did not call him either. She sent him a text telling him to come to her apartment that night.

Their apartment, technically. The one that screamed with silence, with all the pieces missing since Alex had left. It felt empty without him.

It took Alex less than two minutes to answer that he would be there. Now, Siobhán wasn’t certain why she was picking her clothes carefully, why she had styled her hair and put on some make-up. To show him that she was fine and did not need him, for sure. It couldn’t be that she was nervous, that she wanted him to find her pretty…

When the doorbell rang, she could barely breathe. All of a sudden, she wanted him to leave, she wanted to be alone, she wanted…

She opened the door, found Alex on the threshold. He had a bouquet of her favourite flowers in his hands.

Her favourite…

“Hey,” he breathed.

He looked at her like a deer caught in headlights, eyes wide and almost scared. He blinked, his eyes raked her frame, like he couldn’t help it. He blushed as he caught her gaze again.

“These are for you,” he awkwardly added, handing her the flowers.

“Thank you… you shouldn’t have.”

He looked sharp, too. But he also looked thinner, his hair longer, his skin paler.

“You look like shit,” she pointed out, taking the flowers from him.

He smiled.

“You look beautiful.”

She let her lips part. Just like that… that was all it took, really? To bring her back to this longing, to this love, to him…?

But then again, she looked into his eyes, and she recognised him. No… no, it wasn’t that simple, it hadn’t been for a while.

“Can I come in?”

She jumped, realising they hadn’t moved away from the door, and she nodded, hurrying inside. She busied herself with putting the flowers in a vase. Red marigolds… her favourite, they looked divine… she let her fingers graze the petals.

Alex took off his shoes, she heard him move across the apartment. She shook herself.

“Do you want a drink?”

“I’m fine… thanks.”

She took a deep breath, walked back into the living room. She needed to be strong. She needed him out of her life, she…

… she stared at him, standing there, and all she wanted was to kiss him and hold him tightly, and never let him go again.

But then again, she also wanted him to disappear forever.

“How are you these days?” he asked, and she knew he meant the question, that his worry was earnest.

“I’m good. Busy with work, you know how it is…”

She winced. She didn’t mean it like that, didn’t mean to say something against him… he seemed to understand though, because he smiled, burying his hands in his pockets.

“Grand.”

“How are you?”

He chuckled.

“I should say I’m okay.”

“You can’t lie to me.”

“No… no, I can’t.”

She looked down at her feet.

“I’m not too good either, you know?”

He let out a shaking breath, but she heaved a frustrated sigh. Anger was taking over again. How could she still feel love for this man? After all that she had been through…

No, no this wasn’t right. She wasn’t so weak, had never been. And if the weeks spent without him had taught her something, it was that she had changed at the end of their relationship, and not in a good way. She wasn’t the type to wait on someone, to let him take her strength away, to have her begging for crumbs. She was strong, and whole, and bruised, maybe, yes, but… but she deserved better than the way he had treated her for a long while. She hardened her heart as she stared at him, and her tone was sharp when she spoke again.

“Why did you want to talk anyway? I reckon that everything was said… what were these voicemails, even? Huh? Like… you can’t pull up these stunts on me…”

She brushed a tear away, crossed her arms before her chest.

Alex stared at her for a moment, and then he spoke. She stared at him while he laid down his heart before her, right at her feet. He was calm, earnest, even if he was clearly hurting. She would have preferred for him to grow angry, frustrated, to match her anger… it would have meant she could have easily moved on, then…

“When we broke up, I got into a terrible fight with Andy. Don’t know if Y/N told you about it, but I guess she must have... I was heartbroken, I felt lost, I was devastated… I took it out on him, in a very ugly way. That’s when he told me. He didn’t have much info on how you felt, on why you broke up with me… but apparently, you felt like you weren’t my priority. I was hurting you. And I… I’m sorry if it took too long, but I needed a few weeks to realise how much I’ve fucked up these past few months... or years, really. I reckon that you deserve to understand what was happening in my head. I wasn’t realising how much I was hurting you, when I should have. I was stuck into my own… stupid goal, and I didn’t notice that I was losing you in the process. I was self-centred, and afraid. And I made the worst choices I could have made. I understand why you broke up with me, and I’m sure you’re better off without me, now. I just… I need to apologize, and to let you know that… I loved you. More than anything. And if I wanted to tour, and to have a stable career… it was because I felt like I was failing you. I was failing all those plans we were making, I was failing the search for stability that you longed for and… And I got so into my head, and so stubborn about making a living out of music, that I lost sight of why I was so determined to make it in the first place. It was for you. It was always for you. Every big decision I’ve taken in the past years have been for you. But then again it wasn’t… in the end, it wasn’t. At first, it was for us, and then I turned selfish and after that big tour, I… I couldn’t help it. This… craving for more. And something that had started as a way to make us move forward turned into a mean for me to make a name for myself.”

He struggled to swallow.

“I know, I’m shit at talking about my feelings and stuff, but… I should have shared this with you, and I should have… Christ, there are a million things that I should have done differently, and if I could… if I could I would do it differently. But I can’t, so… I just… I just want to ask you to forgive me for failing you. And I want you to know that you were my priority, Siobhán. But I lost sight of it, of the main purpose, even though… you were everything to me. You still are. You… You’re the love of my life. If you wanted, I’d drop music for you. I’d look for a regular job, doesn’t matter what. You are my priority, and I would sacrifice anything for you, including my career. And I wish… I wish…”

He dried his cheeks on his sleeve, cleared his throat.

“I wish I hadn’t broken the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I did. I know I did. I’ll still love you anyway. I get it… I get it, that you’ll probably ask me never to call you again, and that’s okay. But… I will always love you, no matter what. So… if one day, you need help with anything… you can always count on me. Just… call me. I’ll always long to take care of you. I’ll never forgive myself for failing this, for hurting you… I’m sorry…”

Finally, he grew quiet. But Siobhán wasn’t talking either, so he cleared his throat again.

“Do you… do you want me to leave, now?”

She let out a shaky breath, shook her head, her gaze dropping to the floor.

“Not yet,” she answered, her voice weak, too weak to sound like hers.

It took her a minute to gather her thoughts and speak as well. When she looked up again, she was angry once more, but Alex stood still, ready to weather the storm.

“You really are an idiot!”

Alex nodded.

“I know…”

“You fucked it all up!”

“I know, baby…”

“Don’t call me that!”

“Sorry…”

“You… I just wanted you to be happy, you eejit! I’ve never cared about money, or ‘stability’ like you put it! And I’ve never asked for any of it! I don’t even know where all this is coming from! Why didn’t you simply ask me what I wanted?!”

“I don’t know…”

“I didn’t care about your incomes, I have enough money for both of us! I don’t give two shites about that! All I wanted was for you to be happy! And you dropping your career for me… what other stupid romantic ideas do you have in that brain of yours?! You would never be happy by being anything else than a musician, and you think I would ask you to give up on that?! I just wanted you to stop taking all the decisions for us! If you wanted to tour, then fine! But first, ask me how we’re going to manage this together, ask me how we can make it work so we’re both happy! You didn’t ask me! You just went on that stupid self-sacrificing quest on your own, and you left me behind, like you had some high purpose or something… And it made me feel like shit!”

“I’m sorry…”

“Stop saying that! You’ve said it before!”

She grunted in frustration, stumping her foot, pulling on her hair.

“You drive me insane! And the worst part… the worst part is that when I threatened to leave, instead of just explaining all of this, you let me leave! You didn’t fight for me! You didn’t tell me we could get through this! Like you didn’t fucking care!”

“Of course, I cared! You were breaking my heart…”

“Why didn’t you just say something then?!”

“Because I was stupid, okay? I was stupid!”

“No! NO! That doesn’t cut it! It doesn’t cut it at all! You’ve said it yourself! You grew selfish, and you pushed me away, because the truth is here, even if you won’t fully admit it: you wanted to be famous, and you thought you could do it, and you were ready to leave me behind. You say it was for me? All of this? I kept on telling you I was not okay. We kept on fighting. We kept on drifting apart. But you kept on going without me anyway. You did all of this out of love? I don’t buy it for a second…”

“Siobhán…”

“NO! YOU LISTEN TO ME! YOU’RE DOING IT AGAIN! You’re writing a narrative where you put thoughts and intentions and words into my mouths! I never cared about your incomes! I never cared about how stable your career was! I loved you! And it was enough! And I wanted to get married to the sweet man who took me on lame dates on Friday evenings to cheap restaurants but made me laugh so much my whole body ached! And I wanted to drive with you to the other side of the country while blasting old rock songs to attend that tiny gig of yours! I wanted you! And then you left, and all of a sudden, I wasn’t even worth calling. You didn’t call me for weeks, Alex! And then you come here, and you claim that all of this was for me?! It wasn’t. It was for you. Had it been for me, you would have asked me what I wanted. You would have asked me how we could make this work while you were away. You would have taken the time to call me every day. You wouldn’t have spent 90% of the time I spent on another continent to see you drinking and going out with your new bandmates! You wouldn’t have made me feel like shite for months, or years even. You wouldn’t have turned me into this! You would have noticed I was sad, you would have noticed I was shutting down! I’ve been a wreck since we’ve broken up, and yet… I feel more like myself than I have in the past year! This wasn’t about me, Alex. You’re just convincing yourself that it was, just like you convinced yourself that Andy’s contract was about you! You’re just rewriting the truth so you won’t carry the blame or the disappointment. But it’s just about you, Alex. It’s just about you…”

“It wasn’t at first, I swear.”

“But it became about you, instead of about us. You left me behind at one point. And I’m tired of being left behind. I’m never being left behind again!”

Alex merely stared at her, at the fire in her eyes, he could not have done anything else, he didn’t have the strength nor the courage.

She was out of breath, rage and courage mingling in her tight jaw, looking wild and beautiful and herself.

And for the first time in a long time, she felt strong. Like she didn’t need him. Like she didn’t need anybody to be who she was meant to be.

She took a shaky breath.

“It’s over, Alex. If we bump into each other because of Andy and Y/N, I’ll be polite, but this is over. We’re done. For good.”

Tears rolled down Alex’s cheeks, but he nodded.

“I understand. Thank you for hearing me out tonight. I genuinely wish you all the happiness in the world… you deserve it.”

“I know I do. And so do you. But you won’t have it with me, cause I know I can’t have it with you.”

Again, he nodded, moved to the hallway. Put on his shoes slowly, dragging out the moment, just so he could breathe in her scent one last time, feel her presence nearby.

But Siobhán knew what was best for her, and it wasn’t Alex. It was as simple as that.