𝙋𝙄𝙍𝘼𝙏𝙀 𝙇𝘼𝘿𝙔 !

when i think of my wife, i always think of her head.

the primal questions of a marriage: what are you thinking? how are you feeling?

what have we done to each other?

pour me a bourbon, would you?

what’s up, jitters?

it’s a bad day.

i’m so crazy, stupid happy!

whose beer am i drinking?

what’s your type?

i prefer men who are funny, not ‘funny’.

that’s code for 'i hate strong women’.

what type are you?

so tell me. who are you?

you know i have to kiss you now.

i would be a fool to let you walk through a sugar storm unkissed.

go home, fuck her brains out, then smack her with your penis: some wood for you, bitch!

you are way too into that cat.

we understand there are concerns about your wife/husband/partner?

i’m not someone who hits the panic button but — it’s weird, right?

you mind if we look around?

it’s our anniversary.

i remember these books.

now you can say you came. and in 10 minutes, we’ll leave.

perfect. time for a quick tour of all my failings.

i love your parents, but they can be assholes.

people want to hear from you.

i thought that’d be embarrassing.

i love having strangers pick at my scabs.

i am here in a strictly journalistic capacity.

you challenge me.

and — fun fact for our readers — you have a world class vagina.

my colleagues inform me that as yet, you are not married. isn’t it time we fixed that?

he’s just playing with his phone. playing, like… tetris.

if this girl doesn’t show up… this could get out of hand.

let’s stay on our toes.

given the scene in the house and given our spike in violent crime of late, we’re going to take this very, very seriously.

sorry. i felt like i was in a law and order episode for a second. bum-BUM.

is she kinda… standoffish?… ivy league?

i have zero reception.

sir, don’t take that tone with me.

stupid, dumb bitch.

he’s always been a misogynist asshole.

everyone told us — and told us, and told us — marriage is hard work.

abandon all hope, ye who enter.

technically, we’re supposed to fuck at the next stop.

we’ve never fucked in a bookstore.

i dragged you into the ladies’ room on our second date.

books, sex, bourbon. life is good.

sometimes i want to punch us in the face, we’re so cute.

i don’t need a lawyer.

everyone knows “complicated” is code for bitch.

just because i don’t love her, doesn’t mean i don’t care about her. i’m really scared.

you want to look like you’ve been up all night.

that’s a weird thing to say.

when you’re upset, you bottle it up. you can seem… angry… like —

great. i’ll try to balance on the exact edge of your emotional razor.

i knew you shouldn’t have moved back here.

we care about her. we love her, and we want her back.

we filed a restraining order.

it’ll help us track her movements before she disappeared - where she went, who she might’ve seen…

maybe i’ll teach you a thing or two.

i think i’ve done a pretty good job.

let’s swear we will never be like them.

we have each other — everything else is background noise.

this is where you say 'everything else is background noise’.

i come by once a week, make sure the place hasn’t burnt down.

picture me: i’m a girl who is very bad. i need to be punished, and by punished, i mean had.

open the door, and look alive.

want to test your marriage for weak spots? add one recession. subtract two jobs.

i felt like i needed to shoot something.

right, i forgot. you can give your parents $879,000 without asking me, but god forbid i buy legend of zelda without your permission.

that’s the basic tenet of a prenup, right?

why are you throwing that in my face again?

i don’t know how to not have a job.

now, i’m beholden to you.

suddenly, i knew everything was about to get worse.

oh look, he’s being a good guy so we can all see him be a good guy.

you really don’t like him.

you have to keep up your strength.

i’m asking you nicely - please delete that photo.

you can’t share that with anyone.

it looked like you were having fun.

this place literally smells like faeces.

i’m going to go benadryl myself to sleep.

i feel like i could disappear.

i’ve been so worried about you.

you gotta pick up when i call you — where the hell have you been?!

can you at least say you love me?

i love you. but, sweetheart, we have to be real careful right now.

you told me i needed to have my own life.

i need you. now. touch me.

did you leave a pair of red panties in my office? lacy?

i’ll have to check my red-panty inventory.

you told me you were going to get a divorce.

never say that out loud again.

i don’t want to fight. i just want to be with you.

he uses me for sex when he wants. otherwise, i don’t exist.

last night, i went from desperate to pathetic.

do our code: no bullshit.

a child is not a hobby.

we could have had this fight four hours ago.

you’re really going to walk out now?! you’re such a coward!

someone should burn this place.

you fucking asshole. you liar. you fucking lied to my fucking face.

you’ve been lying to me for over a year.

god, it’s so fucking small. you’re a liar and a cheat.

i thought writers hated cliches.

wah, boohoo, i got laid off. guess i’ll fuck a 20-year-old.

i can’t figure out what the fuck they mean.

are they supertwat’s?

we’re dealing with a 20-year-old who isn’t sure where she leaves her undies.

free spirit is code for stupid.

just because the guy isn’t weeping, doesn’t mean he’s not hurting.

the hallmark of a sociopath is lack of empathy.

are you trying to tell me that this photo is remotely in the realm of acceptable behaviour?

a picture is worth a thousand words. ever heard that phrase?

i’m so sick of being picked apart by women.

for valentine’s day, i thought i’d buy a gun.

i’m being paranoid. crazy. i’d just sleep better with a gun.

if someone were staging a crime scene, why mop up blood?

a pool of blood and no body suggests homicide.

why have you kept this stuff? it’s like a little box of hate.

you know how hard it is to make a murder case without a body? it’s incredibly difficult. so i want one last thing… i want a body.

sometimes, the way he looks at me? this man of mine may kill me.

i’m so much happier now that i’m dead.

he took my pride and my dignity and my hope and my money.

he took and took from me until i no longer existed. that’s murder. let the punishment fit the crime.

to fake a convincing murder, you have to have discipline.

america loves pregnant women. as if it’s so hard to spread your legs.

you know what is hard? faking a pregnancy.

you need to bleed. you need to clean.

men always use 'cool girl’ as the defining compliment, don’t they?

go ahead! cum on me! i don’t mind, i’m cool girl.

i waited years for the pendulum to swing the other way — for men to read jane austen and make out while we leer.

i will admit: for someone who likes to win, it’s tempting to be the girl every guy wants.

for him, i was willing to try.

i wax-stripped my pussy raw and blew him regularly.

i forged the man of my dreams.

he actually expected me to love him unconditionally.

he doesn’t get to fucking win.

grown-ups work for things. grown-ups pay. grown-ups suffer consequences.

fucking crazy bitch.

she’s framing me for her murder.

you are married to a psychopath.

your problem is just beginning.

does missouri have the death penalty?

as long as you don’t own a python and blast death metal at 4am, we’re gonna be best friends.

that’s the most disgusting thing i’ve ever heard.

are you laughing me out of your building?

this is why i have a $100,000 retainer — because i win unwinnable cases.

so far, this is a he-said-she-said.

i haven’t had a date in almost a decade because if a girl googles me? bye-bye.

if i could make up a girl, this would be the fucking girl.

she framed you with the ties you wouldn’t wear.

can you imagine being almost 30 years old and never having had anything go wrong for you?

i’m serious. i will not say a word against that girl.

i can’t imagine what she’s got in store for you.

that’s life, baby.

the whole thing just feels… easy. like finding an envelope marked CLUE.

ever heard that phrase - the simplest answer is often correct?

whatever the hell they found, we have to assume it’s very bad.

he’s nice because he wants to fuck you.

i’m not sad. i’m angry.

i was going to kill myself. can you believe that?

why should i die? i’m not the asshole.

it’s a ticking time bomb. you gotta throw yourself on it.

a guy admitting he’s a giant asshole? people love that stuff.

looks like you’ve done a good job.

where’s the money, sweetheart?

you’ve hiding. i don’t know why, and i don’t care.

i don’t think you’ve ever really been hit.

next place, be more careful, okay? lot of people out there worse than us.

every time you look smug or annoyed or tense, i’m going to hit you with a jellybean.

why are you so good to me?

why is it that when i need someone to save me, i always think of you?

oh my god. you little slut.

she’s the girl with the giant cum-on-me tits.

come. you’re staring at ghosts.

seriously, i can’t believe how fucking good you were.

you are so good to me. and i am so exhausted.

you’ll be very safe. i won’t let you get away again.

you scared me. don’t do that. i need to feel safe.

you were never under my thumb.

you are the best person i have ever known.

they disliked me, they liked me, they hated me, and now they love me.

whenever you said something stupid, i thought 'maybe he’s just stupid’. i was wrong.

none of this is mine - none of this was put here by me.

i need some time to think.

that’s the last thing you need.

i’m not going to force myself on you.

i just want you to be you again.

my defence is the truth.

want to play a little true or false?

you thought quinoa was a fish?

you fucking bitch.

it’s an insane story.

don’t blame yourself.

you must’ve bled quite a bit there.

how’d she get the box cutter if she was always tied up?

stop pretending.

i just said what you wanted to hear.

that’s how well you know me! you know me in your marrow.

take off your clothes.

you’re a murderer.

i’m a fighter. i fought my way back to you.

you begged for me to save your life. and i obliged.

the media will destroy you.

give it the night. sleep on it.

was there ever a baby?

if two people love each other and can’t make it work, that’s the real tragedy.

kiss my cheek. now.

you can’t live in the same house as that spider.

mess with it, they’ll come looking for blood.

we had the national spotlight on us, and we stained the rug.

i swear to god, you two are the most fucked-up people i’ve ever known. and i specialise in fucked up.

i’m the definition of 'at risk’.

remember: don’t turn your back.

i’d never hurt you. i do need you to participate though. that’s fair, right?

tell the truth and shame the devil.

fuck it. let everyone take sides.

i love tests.

we are toxic. we complete each other in the sickest possible way.

you think you could ever be with a nice, normal woman?

i complete you. i’m the only one who can.

stay with me and i will make you happy. you know i can. i’ve killed for you.

you’re breaking my heart.

a character study of one carol sturka.

more under the cut. thanks for reading! i'll have this as a physical copy at ECCC. come talk to me about pluribus!!!!

On a personal note: my friends, this doesn’t mean I will RP any of these characters.