gone url

I.

You see me first

Year zero

You know me before I do

You’re a vessel

You’ve heard too much

Before I open my mouth

And when I do I cannot stop

Work, if you can call it that

Spread on the floor, listless

Sharing everything and nothing

You’re going to regret letting me in

The indigo light of an early hour

Waking on air

Can I kiss you

You’re the first to ever ask

The two of us, formed from the inside out and merging

Lungs, the exchange of breath

hearts pumping blood

Almost like love

II.

phone calls, bookends of our rise and fall

One, enough to send me reeling into the boughs of a familiar tree, its very roots rotting

sprouted from deceit

But the softness of decay is a comfort

And I lie back, senses dulled by phantom intimacy

Two, renders us breathless

silent

the fear of hanging up a paralysis

The finality unbearable

I could never be your friend

To the trained ear is something like love

Last call,

Blinking the smoke from my eyes

When I cross the bridge for the last time from that direction

Behind me, an entire forest in flames

I wake up and our eyes meet

Yours, the color of ash

And you smile

III.

Vines stretching endlessly towards the fading rays of dusk

Our hands, likewise entwined

My knee buried in the damp earth

I in white,

you red

The color of grapes ripe to bursting

Their netted veins, a heart

The two of us, formed from the inside out and merging

Nobody:

Not a soul:

you called

and like always I came

but for the first time my breath did not hitch with false pleasure

I flattered myself that maybe it was just the first time you’d noticed

when you touched me

while you grabbed at parts of me that had been been yours for so long

but now your name was finally wearing off under the pouring rain that felt like an ice pick on my shoulders

and I thought of the girl down the street in the bed used to be molded by my body

and the tissue weight of “I love you” so carelessly puffed

the smell of your cigarettes and whiskey with it

from your clumsy mouth like so many other times

a false promise of a future

and when I pushed you away

I spend the afternoon with a friend

the only person we have left in common

You and I connected only by the gristle of a love chewed over

She tells me you came home

You came back to make amends

I think of my father

His meetings

Toddling behind him with my bible coloring book, I sit quietly until they are over

I am good, and I remember the steps

I remember the steps

They don’t predict your next moves

But I can

You’ll make the easy apologies, of course

Forgiveness you know will be yours without asking

Progress for the sake of saying so

So you’re home

I wonder what that word could mean to you now

Is it a bar were you know everyone and no one?

Or wherever a girl is waiting for you, never mind which one

Do you think she’d wait all night?

All week?

twelve years?

I run home, ravenous

Insatiable

Hunger gnawing at my insides, I slice up something for myself

When I’m done working I don’t want it anymore

though I’m starving

I clean up my mess

I listen to the songs over and over

To reclaim them

I play them backwards

Counterclockwise to hear a satanic message

repeat repeat repeat

This will make them new

There are other ways too

I put them on tapes for others

I wonder if they can hear you in them, in me?

the hiss of the of a track beginning again, the reel uncoiling, snakelike

The temptation to listen always outweighing the bite that will follow

Repeat, repeat, repeat

Everyone that loves me hates you

But how is that possible when so much of me is you?

the lurch in your walk, now mine, always faster, somewhere else to be, so purposeful for someone who’s only ever physically present

My posture worsening from your weight on my back

Do I walk like a woman possessed?

Me

In the beginning, molded from Adam’s rib

But I’m not the one with a taste for forbidden fruit

Repeat repeat repeat

9 year old me honestly believing i had both the vocal range and operatic stylings of miss christine daaé: