okyanus kürdi

whatever it was that i shut my eyes to is back to bite me in my ass today. on the verge of everything happening all at once. the grand leap, the ring and the teeth

when you throw a wish in a well and possibly hurl yourself behind it. 

when the sky in its entirety is above you but you choose instead to curl into sweet arms of the earth. just a little longer.

well then, ive known and loved you up til this day, but i dont know what you'll turn into tomorrow, so just try not to be rotten?

after a semi-huge emotional breakdown/argument with my sister we've came to the agreement that most of our distaste for each other stems from our mom inadvertently(?) setting us up against each other like. when either one of us aren't around she'll gas u up about how disappointed she is with the other when compared to her unreachable high standards, and she gets so damn terrifying when the slightest slightest thing is not exactly the way she wishes it to be (coughs wonder where that one personal trait comes from). this gets to the point where even the memory of the times where i had, with great difficulty , voiced my own opinion and tried to go my own way, against her initial stance with the matter, when i even simply try to imagine the utter fear and worry that she brought upon me, it drives me into a state of panic and i immediately start crying. she doesn't use physical violence but knowing that she won't do anything of that extremity does not ease your fear by the slightest. there's her presence everywhere in every aspect of my life, so much that even in her absence the chance of going against her will freezes me up and sends me spiralling.

my sister hit 16 just a month ago, and is very naturally beginning to tackle all the issues that come with that age. in one situation of dilemma, she opened up to my mom about sone of her more questionable activities and obviously then sent my mom into one of her terrifying fits. this all happened in my absence, and i had to find out the specifics from my mom afterwards. as she was reflecting her thoughts and feelings while she was describing the event, she manipulated me into taking her side by proxy, and without even giving any room for a second opinion. ever since this occurred, i was furious with my sister and i went into a very similar fit like my moms, truly shitting on my sister the moment we came across each other. she just sat there and cried. i went on and on about my disappointment in her and how smart and special she is but her actions not doing her right etc.. it was not my best moment. i left that day feeling oddly proud and validated, like knowing that that was my sisterly duty, i had put her in her place, all was going to be well.

what happened instead was that same resent towards my sister went on for the next two weeks. being a very sensitive person, she noticed and reflected. after today's big lash out, we had a long argument picking apart the origins of all the hate we've accumulated for each other in the past weeks, and it all boiled down to that one conversation i had with my mother with her detailing my sister's breakdown. my sis said when i confronted her, she felt the exact same fear she had for my mother. what had happened was that i was acting the way my mother would, i was feeling her resent and her power, and inadvertently i had been punishing my sis in the time being. my sister, only now realizing the pressure my mom had on her, felt surprised when she experienced the same kind of fear towards me and therefore lashed out in response.

i dont think i can fully comprehend the scope of which this woman's controlling behaviour affected our lives, but in my dad's absence especially, her chokehold is at scary heights. i am not immune to her manipulations, is what ive learned today, and even after all that prior experience ive had, knowing how obsessive, controlling and fearsome she can get over the smallest things

I've had days where I'd stay out till 2am, fearing her enough that the dangerous alleyways of istanbul at that hour seemed to be a safer option. it's scary to think about.

she remains completely unapproachable during all of this, too. after yesterday's big fight with my sister, we hugged and made up after realizing how both of us were played into this situation, quarrelling is exactly what our mom set us up for. realizing her patterns and behaviour, we could point out when they appear and then support each other in these situations. she's lucky for that, i never had that kind of second opinion growing up, which in turn scarred my self confidence deeply. anyways, after seeing us two getting along fine, my mom closed up completely and embraced passive aggressiveness. she refuses any kind of physical contact or conversation, almost as if she's trying to punish us over this matter. I'm so???? frustrated with her, i hate how she set us up for this and at every point where we turned to her for help, she was the quickest to gaslight us into believing we're the ones to blame, that our actions have consequences, that she told us so.. at this point, she begins attacking your character and ethics so harshly that you are left with no self respect whatsoever. at other times, her high high standards stem from my sister and my incredible qualities and superiority from others. she weaponizes our good traits to dissect and belittle our every individual move, making it literally impossible to make a mistake of any scale.