Would you still cancel me like a real person if I was a less offensive queerphobic caricature 🥺

I've actually never taken Kabuto to the optometrist. Couldn't tell you the prescription on those things

If you saw me recreationally vaccinating homeschooled children with blow darts then you should be thanking me, no? Relax a little. Blow darts are cool

Was hooking up with a contractor in the Lockheed Martin gender neutral restrooms and my wet fucking blanket bffl is blowing up my phone like "you scar on humanity did you reverse engineer gametes from my dead grandpa's corpse" ok babe first of all this is harsh energy for 2:30pm on a thursday. second of all love is love ok who cares😭

After 40 years of focused, grueling, honestly mania-inducing R&D I'm glad to announce that my team is coming out with a new birth control pill that doesn't actually "stop" you from conceiving but causes internal structural changes to your reproductive system so that at the moment of ejaculation your vagina locks onto a penis with retractable bone barbs and forcibly injects your egg and all released sperm back into your partner's urethra along with a DNA modifying virus that makes some easy little bodily blueprint changes on a cellular level to prompt the development of a genetically compatible uterus and vagina which can house and successfully carry the provided gametes and ensuing zygote to term, effectively allowing ALL of us to become "mother", which should hopefully either cut down mommy issues or at least really change the game on how bad they can get. And yes. The pill is pink🩷

My toxic trait is that in relationships if you're good enough at something i turn into zendaya's character in challengers like how i will feverishly take over your entire life in exchange for mind blowing and emotionally orgasmic sex with me (hot girl moded) and force you to push yourself until you're at the absolute top of your game and then i'll actually do enhancing experimental procedures on you like give you night vision and biochemically increase the tensile strength of your fascia and then make you paranoid about me cheating on you with your loathèd homoerotic rival and also paranoid of me surgically removing the parts of your brain that allow you to feel fear and self preservation and that's why i'm single. But open to love

On occasion federal agents come asking if I know anything about mysterious local disappearances and I provide only the magnanimously friendly smile of a white woman exiting a gender neutral bathroom that she's just wrecked beyond reason

My adopted father often said behind closed doors that I was an "uncanny" or "scarily precocious" or "gay" child but he was the one who had me training to full body paralyze men without killing them. And anyway I was on the honor roll. So does it matter whether or not I was actually a serpentine changeling spirit or gay even

Yes of course we accept Anthem Blue Cross for curse marks. We're out of network though

Daddy would you stroll me around town and I could be on your arm wearing luxurious bespoke clothes and jewelry and perfectly manicured nails and everyone would look at you and be so scandalized and jealous because every so often I took your skullcap off and sauteed a little piece of your brain in butter on a rolling tray like Hannibal Lecter did to that one FBI guy 🥰

You only want to "audit my laboratory" because you're insecure, you're unmoisturized, your relationships are based on convenience and obligation rather than genuine mutual respect and interest, you can't afford better health insurance, you already fumbled all the opportunities life had for you, you're dehydrated, you have split ends, your relationship with your own spirituality is confused at best, your oral hygiene is notably subpar, your savings are laughable especially in the face of any emergency, your wardrobe can most kindly be described as "so you", highschoolers could bully you, you have no sociopolitical leverage whatsoever, your vibe is offputting, you have lint on your shirt, and frankly you're just not cool enough to merit knowing about the "millions" I've spent on a "huge variety of regulated bioengineering materials" 😒🙄😩

I frankly don't waste time and money getting my lab staff BLS/CPR certified, ESPECIALLY that heimlich maneuver bullshit. Not only are they all completely expendable but if you can't comfortably swallow a goat and regurgitate the bones and gristle then I'm unsure why you would work for me in the first place...?