BE MY ESCAPE

Broken hearts just seem to always heal

RED FLAGS / ALARM BELLS

I always feel guilty because of something I said or didn’t say.

I always feel guilty because of something I did or didn’t do.

I feel like I’m always provoking him even when I don’t do anything or if I stay quiet.

I feel like I’m always hurting him.

I feel like I’m lacking the effort.

I feel like I’m a bad person for my past.

I feel like I’m always on the listening end of his anger and emotional outburst.

I feel like even staying silent is wrong.

I feel like I was reckless in the past because I didn’t “care” for myself enough.

When I told him I would sacrifice myself for my family he got angry because I shouldn’t think that way. Even though it’s who I am.

I feel like I’m losing myself or I am always at battle with myself because I’m scared of angering him. Like I should always be thinking twice about what I’m gonna say

or what I’m gonna do.

I feel like he wants to take control over me sometimes.

I feel like he wants to mould this ‘better’ version of me.

He told me once that I’m not ‘that special’.

I feel like I’m just settling.

I feel like being content is enough, and happiness is something I shouldn’t look for, because this person is willing to be with me.

I am always soothing him, or asking for his forgiveness.

When we fight, he thinks he’s the only one getting hurt. Hurting me back with his words even more.

I thought we were the same, but turns out we’re far different from each other.

He always overthinks or makes things a big deal. Turning things into a fight and always wanting to confront things straight on. This also makes me question myself again if I should be reacting like the ways he’s making things a big deal.

My words and opinions would mostly come out distorted, especially when he’s emotional. And the ending point is always hurting each other.

And after everything, I am always the ‘bad’ person of the one feeling bad.

He never gives me space to think when we are fighting.

He always wants to spend his time with me, making me feel guilty that I’m spending time with my family.

He brought out my insecurities.

He would justify his behavior, and in turn always makes me justify my actions or words too, willing me to always explain myself.

We are always hurting each other.

Just when I thought we’re getting better in communicating, it goes back to the way it is.

He’s calm one moment, then he gets angry. But it doesn’t stop there, he continues to say things he knows that would hurt me. Even if I tell or ask him that we should take our time because we might say things that we’ll regret, but it never ends up being like that.

I would always end up apologizing and promising to be better, even if I’m also hurting from the things he said.

He threatened me that he would kill himself, blaming it on me.

I will always see him as the guy who manipulates me emotionally.

Anything I say of do, he can use it against me.

It took me years just to be alright with the memory of my Mom dying, now I can’t get it out of my head how he was sitting there with a knife in front of him.

I will always see him as the guy with the knife. The guy with the weapon. The guy that is emotionally unstable that he’ll go to that place where he’ll kill himself because he has nothing to live for.

I will always see him as the guy with the knife in front of him. Ready to hurt himself or possibly hurt me.

He told me his next would be his ‘best’, and mine would be my ‘beat’.

When he’s angry, he’s always wishing for bad things to happen to me. He doesn’t realize that saying sorry afterwards can only do so much. They can’t erase what’s been said.

He doesn’t see the damage that he’s doing to me.

All the good things, dead and gone.

All the good things done, buried and topped with a mixture of cemented fear, anxiety, mental and emotional abuse.

My family doesn’t want him for me anymore.

My friends never liked him for me in the first place. And they’re relieved when I finally stopped it.

I’m scared of being in the same room with him.

I can never see myself with him anymore.

He scares me mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Saying sorry after everything has been done only scares me.

His ‘sorry’ scares me, because it won’t do anything anymore. I appreciate it, but I silently can’t accept it.

My ‘sorry’ scares me because anything I say or do makes me scared that I’m giving something from myself.

I’ve said and expressed ‘sorry’, verbally and physically so many times it’s uncountable.

I feel like one more ‘sorry’ I’ll let out, would damage me.

I don’t want to see him, or hear from him ever again.

He doesn’t deserve to get anything from me anymore.

No matter the how many ‘sorry’s and love proclamation he let’s out. I don’t feel it any more.

Lot’s of red flags.

Lot’s of alarm bells.

Lot’s of fears.

Lot’s of insecurities.

Lot’s of instability.

Full of toxicity.

Don’t stick with him anymore.

Are these reasons not enough?

These stars remind me of you.

I’m a work in progress.

My heart is constantly in self-repair from all the scars and bruises of the past.

Healing is continuous because old wounds tend to open by themselves or the stitches get removed or bumped by people intentionally or unintentionally.

Most people are them same.

They always want the next best thing.

They are enamoured by riches, shiny things, the best flower in the garden that stands out.

Most people don’t want to have anything to do with things that are already ‘worn’ or ‘used’. They always want something new.

In most aspects, they set standards of what is ‘gold’ of what is right.

We tend to search for something ‘perfect’ because we are far from it.

But I was never one of them.

Cause I know my cracks. I’m familiar with them. I’ve ran away from them so many times.

It makes sense to me why even when I have children of my own, I will adopt a baby.

An innocent soul that was left behind. I want to love them with all my heart to make them feel they’re not broken.

They’re not unwanted. They’re not broken.

Because despite this facade people see when they look at me, I feel so broken.

Since my Mom died, I tend to push away people. I developed a fear of letting people in or committing cause I never want to experience getting left behind.

I’m so tired of pushing.

I’m so tired of running away.

I’m so tired of working tirelessly.

I’m so tired of giving people everything.

My bruised and scarred heart is all that I have.

I’m so tired of trying to be my Mom— because for me, she’s the epitome of kindness, selflessness, humility, calmness, cleanliness, strength, courage, and unconditional love.

I want to rest.

I want to feel safe.

I want to feel warm.

I want to open my arms freely.

I want to give my heart whole, damaged and all.

I want to let it heal by the hands of someone other than my Mom.

She’s gone, and I realized it can’t always heal by itself. It needs help from other people.

But it scares me to do so. It’s all I have left.

I thought I already learned my mistakes.

I want to let people in.

I finally let someone in.

I wish I’m feeling warm and full of color as the sky.

When in reality, I feel so cold and empty.

Stop trying to say excuse after excuse.

What you say doesn’t matter when you’re already doing the opposite.

Shut up.

I get it okay? You don’t want it enough.

Talk to my hand.

Keep blaming others or putting blame on things. Continue to do that until you learn something or until karma spits on your face.

A piece of advise, google the meaning of multi-tasking, time management, or prioritization.

I miss the feeling of having nicotine in my blood.

Just as long as it is far from here

When the season ends you’ll be all alone

Wondering why things can’t just stay

Well I thought it would be nice just to walk with you

Together through the garden

Trying to hold it all as we went along

Until there was no more room for

The pieces that didn’t fit anyway

Though you did all that you could to save them all

There was never a way to save them all

Spinning so hard, sometimes I wanna get off

Of a callous world as it falls apart

Like it’s got a reason to (everybody needs one)