We started as friends with benefits. Casual, open about our initial attraction and compatibility. You asked me to be your girlfriend on my back porch but I turned you down and said that I wasn’t sure. I had just recently broken it off with an ex and I liked how it was for now. After some time, I asked you to be my boyfriend. We were on a trail at the park. After about 5 months I told you for the first time that I loved you. I was standing with you by the back door, shaking and trying to be courageous. You said “thank you”, but you did not love me. It took you two years to tell me that you loved me and I am certain now that it was only to keep me from leaving.
About a year or so before that though, you were unsure if you were still in love with your ex and broke it off with me. That you weren’t sure if you were using me for a place to smoke and chill away from home and everything. That I was so passive and that I was mostly down for whatever you wanted to do. A day later you changed your mind. The agony that I felt that night, as well as the other nights you left me, I cannot forget. Despite me telling you that I was not a yo-yo, I sure did treat myself like one. But back to the two-year point:
We were house sitting at your parents’ place. It was Summer. You and I had gotten into a fight and you then admitted for the first time that you had a crush on my best friend and that you were unsure about us. I went outside to cool my head in the rain (I was feeling sort of crazy/depressed/angry) and you locked me out. Without a phone to let you know. You ignored my pats at the window. I threw stones to try and get your attention and you continued to ignore me. If that isn’t a metaphor for our relationship…I do not know what is.
We sorted it out. You loved me and wanted me. It was just a crush that you had on her, whatever. I did not have your favorite red hair. Or big, beautiful, blue eyes. You have always been shallow to a certain extent. And set in your tastes.
Remember, early on when you said you didn’t like “ALL” the parts of my body and my anxiety made me throw up? Yeah, I can’t forget either. Remember how you would want a blowjob or a handjob and then just ignored me and went to sleep? Are you starting to see how one-sided all of that was? How critical you could be?
Remember when I was on top of you teasing with outercourse and you tried to slide inside and I said “Nooo,” but you said “Yes,” and did it anyway while holding me down? I went motionless. I did not know what to say. After? “I hope you don’t think I raped you.” OH! YEAH! THAT FIXES IT! I should have listened to your ex.
All of my friends warned me about what you did and now they hang out with you more than they do me. Funny. To be fair though, they do not know this information. Well, they don’t know all of it. I cannot forgive what you did to your ex (another best friend) and me. Not really. I had called crisis hotlines when I found out what you did, and after what you did to me. After about 30 minutes though they told me if I wasn’t going to hurt myself then they needed to go. So I went. I tried to forget.
For years to come you had been lurking her photos. “Just a crush, I woke up from a dream and I wanted to imagine kissing her.” That was all. No harm done. Only…you created a monster. You would compare us in your defense, saying she had a job and a car and and and. I turned into a jealous, insecure, unstable, gaslighted, naïve woman who loved a man that only wanted her body. Not her soul. Not her desires. You claim now, that I would not let you love me but that just isn’t true. You would not accept MY love. I used to be more confident somehow, and that is saying a lot because I was very insecure before I met you.
Our relationship was one of unrequited love. Of pain and lack of trust. You made me feel guilty for choosing my friends over you and yet you would insist on never joining me. You did not want to hold my hand. Were you embarrassed to be seen with me? Was it something I am not putting out? If I just dye my hair and get contacts and stay pale and and and…then I will be enough. But no. I could never be enough. I could never compare.
The handful of times you broke up with me I was devastated. I felt lost. I loved you and it pains me now to say that I STILL love you in any way. Some parts of me hate you. You know how fine a line that is.
Oh and of course I cannot forget! The nail in the coffin that ended us. That helped me move on so quickly. Me finding out from your ex that you had hit her up to fuck multiple times in the first year or so, that we were together.
These were not all, but some of the warning signs. I ignored them. I loved you.
I have found someone whom I love and loves me. Who is about give and take. He listens. Who expresses. He is someone that I understand even when everybody else is quick to judge and vice versa. We consider one another. He happens to be your ex best friend, but that was not on purpose.
You gaslighting me about my best friend FOR THREE YEARS and then dating her? Totally the same thing! Only it isn’t. Fuck you. I had decided to start taking medication THE DAY that you had me convinced it was all in my head that you were still crushing on her. You let me think that I was crazy, more times than this isolated fuckup, and for that? I do not know if I can forgive you.
You lied to me, you lied to yourself. You lied. You showed me what it was to give up everything for someone who treated me like a placeholder. For a newer model. This feeling is not new to me or lover(s) but God damn it, it hurts. I feel foolish. I feel like all of this was my fault and I am sure you’d be content having me feel like this. You still have control over my emotions and that part is on me. I am trying.
But then…I consider everything else that has been stated here (and things that have not) and it isn’t “What more could I have done?” anymore. It ends up feeling more like a…“You’re a fucking entitled asshole and I hope that justice is served.”
annaxmalina
snowghoul
kianamaiart
turnnoffyourmind
discoholicmusic
dededos
areudirty
origamiaround
