I miss my family even though I live with them. My dad is playing halo with his friends, my sibling is reading a book, and my mom is watching a show, all in the two rooms adjacent to me. We had family dinner this evening and talked about our days. I didn’t talk about what I read so we wouldn’t start fighting. My dad had to come comfort me and remind me that monsters aren’t real a few weeks ago, but based on the annoyance and frustration in his voice it was the last time I could go to him for comfort. I tried to talk to my mom about my own and our family’s financial situations but she got too overwhelmed and had to go take a nap so again, we got nowhere. I’m caught between to mindsets when it comes to my sibling, do I actually talk about my thoughts and feelings with them and potentially get them to see some things differently, or do I let them stay in their ignorant bliss. Sometimes I wish I could return to that ignorance, even if it never really brought bliss. At least when I was ignorant I had at three people I could turn to, God took the fourth for reasons that are still unknown to me. I wish I could talk to my family about my thoughts and ideas without it becoming an argument, I wish I could talk about my feelings and suicidal thoughts without it becoming “manipulation”. It sucks so badly, because when I was suicidal then, I was met with compassion and help. I feel like even if I was suicidal about the same things I am right now back then, maybe they might have understood and possibly even changed. But I worry that if I talk about it now, my mom won’t be able to think about it, my dad will say I’m brainwashed and being manipulative, and my sibling might be drug down with me. At least one sibling never had to see me like this, much like how they are at their best in my memory, so too will I be in theirs. Maybe when I see them again someday, they’ll understand me.

I don’t do any of that stuff, I have a buzz cut, while I find makeup fun I rarely put it on, and fake nails make my hands unusable. With that said, why do you care? Those are all things that are A. Easy to understand the reasons for doing. B. Often things that are enforced by societal standards. C. DO NOT AFFECT YOU IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM.

I’m just sitting outside and there was this absolutely teeny tiny jumping spider that started crawling around on my phone We played around for a bit and it jumped around from the grass, to my hands, back to my phone. Then it started wandering away and I only got one picture of it before it disappeared and now I want to know what kind it was.

Its body was mostly black-ish brown, but the booty had these white markings, and its legs were yellow. I tried looking it up on duck duck go, but I couldn’t find any that looked like it.

Cassie Carter

I’m practicing drawing for mer-may and I’m trying to use reference pictures, but I don’t actually know how to translate the picture into figures. Like, I think I’m just used to “tracing” it exactly, and I don’t think I can abstract these pictures enough to see the general shapes you’re supposed to do when you practice.