All Fucked Up

I was dreaming that I was peeing, and immediately I felt my crotch get warm and realized I was peeing myself. So in my dream I woke up and saw that I had soaked the bed. In my dream I was sharing the bed with several other people, and I was trying to figure out how to hide the wet spot when I woke up for real.

I felt wet, and I when I reached under the sheets to confirm, I my hand found dampness on my shorts and underwear. I got up to use the bathroom, and when I turned on the lights I saw there was a softball-sized wet spot on the right side of my shorts. My underwear felt damp against my skin where I had peed through it while lying on my side.

Since the damage wasn’t that bad I just went back to bed, but it took me a while to fall asleep, and I kept dreaming about pee. Now I’m (basically) dry typing this up, but I can still feel a little dampness around one of the pockets of my shorts.

Um, hi…can I go to the bathroom?

I didn’t want to ask, but I haven’t gone in hours. Plus, I was really thirsty earlier and had a lot to drink. All that coffee and water has gone right through me.

What, I can’t go? Seriously? I really have to pee. Look, I’m trying not to move around too much, but it’s getting hard to sit still and concentrate. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t really need to go.

Come on. Please? Okay, I’ll wait.

It’s been a few minutes, can I go now? You can’t see this from where you are, but I’ve been holding myself for the last few minutes. I seriously can’t stop moving my foot, and look how tightly I’m pressing my legs together. I’m not kidding around here. I really have to go! Please?

Seriously, it’s embarrassing to say this but I don’t know how much longer I can hold it. I’ve really got to use the bathroom soon. I literally feel like I’m going to start peeing any second.

No? Fine! I’ll hold it.

Oh my god please just let me go to the bathroom! I’m seriously having trouble holding on. I feel like I’m…oh fuck I think some came out.

Please can I go?

You’ve got to let me go, I really can’t last much long…fuck please it’s starting to come out! I’m going to have an accident if you don’t let me go.

No, I’m not exaggerating! Please let me go to the bathroom! I can’t hold it much longer!

no no no stop it

stop it

fuck I can’t hold it

oh fuck I’m peeing

it’s not stopping

I’m sorry I can’t stop it I’m having an accident oh god

it’s still coming out

okay okay stop it

Cute boys having to be taken outside to go pee where anyone could see

Lifting their legs up to go on a tree or a nice spot in the grass

Or using litter boxes

Puppy pads

Pets getting punished for going on the floor like a bad puppy/kitty

We don’t all have the luxury of living alone with uninterrupted privacy. Here are some ways to have fun when you live under the same roof as others. 1. Pee in the toilet and touch yourself while doing so. You can easily shower and wash your hands afterwards. 2. You can’t go wrong with a bathtub pee. Lay down, stand up, be clothed, be naked–there are many variations, and a mess won’t be noticeable because it’ll go down the drain, then you can shower. 

3. Use a trash can. 4. Hide behind a bush and pee outside.  5. Go in a swimming pool or hot tub. (Come on, we all do it.)

6. If you do your own laundry, piss in a towel. Stand over it, wad it up and hump it while urinating, lay on it and let loose, etc. Then immediately toss it in the wash before your parents or roommates find it. 

7. Again, if you do your own laundry, shoot some pee into the washing machine, then add the detergent and start the cycle. I have tried this and there is no smell afterwards. 

8. Hold until you’re desperate, then release it all into a large lemonade pitcher or mixing bowl, then carry it to the restroom and dump it in the sink. Wash vessel thoroughly, put it back.  9. Buy some pull-ups or adult Depends, do whatever you want in them, and after they’re full, double bag them in plastic bags to hide them, then throw them out. 10. Climb a tree and pee, well hidden, while sitting on a branch.  11. If you enjoy hiking, go alone and venture off the beaten path and pee all over a tree or rock. 

12. Pee in a sink when others aren’t around.

13. When out in public, if you’re alone in the restroom….I’ve never personally done this, but if it’s a single person bathroom, you could go on the floor or in the trash can.  14. If you have a backyard pool, or if you’re having a cookout, or if you can find any reason to put on a swimsuit, pee in your swimwear after a water balloon fight. Or whenever, if you’re alone outside. 

15. Go jogging in black shorts and pee while running.

16. Pee yourself while clothed, then wash your pants in the sink and let them dry in your closet so no one sees, then toss them in the laundry (if you don’t do your own laundry). 17. Pee in a stairwell (of your apartment, of a parking garage, whatever). 18. Pee out the window at night, when everyone’s asleep.