Reading headlines about professional theatre these past few years is an absolute wild ride. Maybe all this stuff was happening before the pandemic, but I never heard about it. Now every two seconds, it's something like this:
"Inspiring! 'Retired' Broadway actress stars as Elphaba in Broadway with no rehearsal after 8 years away from the theatre working as a biologist in Antarctica... and she's never even SEEN Wicked before!"
"The Show Must Go On! Tony-winning actor announces that he performed at the Tony awards on a broken leg, will be taking two days off to have it treated"
"The Zodiac Killer to join the cast of Chicago as Roxie Hart! He will be wearing a bag over his head at all performances to hide his identity, but we are training AI to recognize his voice patterns"
"Audience wowed by all-understudy performance of Sweeney Todd with the role of the Beadle eliminated entirely and Johanna played by the French horn player from the pit"
"Previously announced production of NAPOLEON! THE MUSICAL to be canceled two days before scheduled opening after playwright pulled rights due to 'unauthorized changes' and 'offensive casting.' Director defends choice to have a chimpanzee play the title role."
"After 147 years, beloved local theatre company announces closure due to ongoing poison-resistant ant infestation. Site to become a research lab about these spectacular ants!"
"5 billion dollar new AI-written Broadway musical BABY SHARK to close after 2 performances, both of which took place on a partial set because it wasn't finished yet"
"After 109 years, beloved local theatre company canceling their 2023-2024 season because they only got 2 sales and that was from the artistic director's mom and her next-door neighbor Debra (who drives)."
"Shocking! Artistic director of beloved local theatre exposed! Actors report seeing multiple interns and swings sacrificed to a minotaur living in the boiler room during his time at the theatre.'
"Beloved local theatre company announces new membership structure! Top membership tier (names engraved on lobby wall, premium seats for whole season, free admission to exclusive parties and events) will consist of donors who gave full or partial organs to our uninsured non-union actors!"
"Onward and upward! Phantom of the Opera now spotted living under Shake Shack!"
