Outlet PH

We weren’t something to parade around the world.

We don’t need their blessing.

.

I love you. Have you eaten? Are you feeling alright? I’ve brought you your favorite. I saved you a seat. Let me get that for you. Let me carry that for you. You can wear mind. I’ll share mine. I waited for you. I am sorry. You are the best. I believe in you. I’ll be here every step of the way. I understand. I’m always here. That was wrong. We could solve this together. Let me give you a hug. You should apologize. You are my person.

You never said you loved me. But I knew that love lies in the details.

I am surprised that some people still don’t understand what love means.

Love is not a single one-shoe-fits-all cycle and combination of feelings. It’s not always about the butterflies. It’s not as simple as the racing heart beat, high pitched squeals, or sweaty palms. It’s not really about the poetic words or the love songs you play every time. Not even the sensual touch, lingering kisses, or the maps we create on each other’s skin.

Love is little bit of everything. Love is when you feel at home. It is where you release the heaviest sigh after the most tiring day. Love is peace with contentment. Love is the tightest hug you give. Love is the most painful tear. Love is the heart wrenching goodbye you’ve said. 

Love is when you feel everything at once, but ran out of words to describe. 

You whisper my name every time you see the place where everything started. You find yourself smiling when you see little kids shitting around the block. You find yourself on the verge of sending me a music that will surely hit me ‘right in the feels’. You contemplate if it’s the best time to finally visit after all these years. You have drafts of messages. all starting with hello. You have a hidden gift in your drawer that is 3 years too late. 

Sometimes, I still believe that you miss me. 

All of these are speculations, wishful thinking of a girl who claimed to have moved on. 

Either way, may it become a truth or a lie, both outcome will hurt me.

I often find myself thinking about you, even when I’ve already sworn to all gods known to mankind that I won’t. Still, at least I have a semblance of control on the way I think about you. It could be about the past, it could be about the way you’re begging for me to come back. Sometimes, I think about route where we didn’t meet at all

I often find myself thinking about you, but what I hate the most is the rare chance I dream about you.I dream of what I really want to happen. I dream of calling you back, I dream of myself standing in front of you, holding your hands, whispering that I missed so much and I want you to comeback. I dream of us standing in the rain, soaking wet, uttering endless proclamations of love.

I often find myself thinking about you.

towards the path of the Sun.

trusting, we followed

our hearts and minds hollowed.

lost, we crawled

debating whether the truth was told.

knowing, we fought,

We were fueled by the illusion of a great life, 

awakened by the harsh truth, 

and to be killed

or revived

Yesterday, today was distant reality. 

Today, I washed my tear stricken face, and managed to clear the sink. I am not okay, but this time, my friends know that I am fighting.

And it pains me that you felt that way, when in fact, my heart, after all these years, still longs for you. I’ve given you what I thought you wanted, but I should have listened to the words you weren’t strong enough to say.

I should have heard your cry when you refused to leave your room.

I should have heard your cry when you stopped being in love with your passion.

A glance was all you needed to decide that you wanted to know me.

It took me coffee, movie, and night dates to know how alike we are.

A glance at my favorite shirt told you we’ll jive.

It took me months of debating with myself to finally admit that I love you.

A glance told you that it was love at first sight. 

But, it took me years to forget the dreams that we had.

Sabi mo, titigil ka na sa pagsusulat.

Napagisip-isip mo na parang hindi sa’yo ang pagbuo ng akda. Bigla ka kasing nawalan ng gana. Hindi ung simpleng katamaran na lumilipas kasabay nang pagdaan ng araw. 

Tuyo. Tigang. Walang buhay. 

Pero sana maalala mo na hindi ipinapanganak ang isang manunulat. Tayong mga manunulat ay maaring mga inhinyero, doktor, o isang simpleng manggagawa na may inaabot na quota. Ang mga manunulat ay namulat sa katotohanan at piniling ibuhos ang kung anong mayroon sila sa pagbuo ng isang talata.

Hindi ka ipinanganak para magsulat.