shades of cool

Danny wasn’t totally sure how to react to this. In some ways, Otto’s forehead kisses and closeness almost felt more intimate than the kiss had. He’d kissed and been kissed by plenty of people he didn’t really care about. But he couldn’t say the same for this level of affection. “Thanks.” His tone was quiet, almost whispered at the closeness. If he spoke too loud, something was sure to break. He just wasn’t sure if it was the moment or him. He sighed, staring at the ceiling fan as Otto walked out. Or, he thought that’s where he was going, until he saw Otto pop his head back in. Danny looked over, his eyes searching Otto’s face for a few moments too long before he attempted to return the look. The smile was weak and sad, but still an attempt. That is, until he saw Otto’s head disappear and he grabbed a pillow, burying his head in it to try and drown out the noise of…everything. That is, until he heard footsteps on the stairs again. “What’s the story?”

“The story?” Otto twisted his lips as he walked into the room. “Well, the delivery guy is coming from a mythical place, so he’s got to go through like three tests before he can make his way to us. He’s got to fight off giants, sirens and goblins. It’s kind of a really awesome and epic tale. He already promised me that I’ll get to direct the movie when he gets here to tell us about what he went through.” Otto smiled as he made his way back towards the bed. “Which should be in about ten minutes, which gives us ten minutes to do whatever you want.”

Danny held eye contact only a moment or two longer before turning, the side of his head on Otto’s legs. He shook his head, not speaking just yet. Sure, they’d just kissed, and his therapist had told him that it was advisable not to fuck all of his friends. Well, not quite in those terms. And they weren’t exactly talking every day now. But he didn’t want to be left alone after doing….whatever this mistake was. “Don’t leave me. Not now.” His voice was quiet and almost seemed to come from someone else. He didn’t like to feel so vulnerable. He didn’t like to have to ask to not be left alone, to show himself so fully, to be so weak in front of anyone. Especially someone that could hurt him like Otto could. If he wanted. “When’s the food getting here?”

Otto ran his fingers through his best friend’s thick black hair, even in their awkward little moment, he couldn’t help but show him affection. Otto nodded at Danny’s request, noting how different he sounded. He didn’t sound brash and full of bravado as he usually did. He sounded... vulnerable. He leaned down to kiss at his forehead before he pressed his own against his. He nodded slowly,he would stay for as long as he wanted him to stay.”I’ll look that up, right now.” He whispered, holding his head up to put him back on his bed before taking a step out to check up on their order. He looked back into the room, shooting his best friend a small smile because awkward or not, they were back together and they were making it work as best as they could. And that was enough for him.

Danny furrowed his brows. He didn’t know what he was saying- he didn’t know. Danny would just get involved and attached again and end up hurting everyone he loved. It’s what he was good at. Some days it felt like it was all that- 

Kissing him again, it was everything he’d wanted. He’d missed how his lips felt against his, how his heart raced in these moments in intimacy. Danny was right, for the most part, this was a mistake. The wrong moment, but them, they weren’t a mistake. They would never be a mistake. Otto  pulled away, looking down at him as he caught his breath from what had been one hell of a kiss. The kind of kiss that made someone weak in the knees and made them forget what they were thinking. “Uhm, do you want me to uhm go?” He asked, kind of hoping he’d say no. He wouldn’t mind doing that again for a while, but his reasonable side didn’t want to confuse Danny or mess with him in any kind of way.

“Yeah, but it’s easy to say that when we’re not in the pits of hell.” He wanted to ask Otto all the hard questions that he’d spoken aloud only to his therapist. What was Otto going to do when he fell off the wagon again? When he came home blackout drunk or delirious on cocaine? Or when he’d spent too much money on something he couldn’t return? Or when he was getting manic hallucinations again? Or when he couldn’t leave bed? Or when new scars started showing up? Or when he’d gotten so exhausted of simply being that he decided to use a more effective method of ending it all? He sighed, nodding and lumbering over to the spot next to Otto, laying his head on Otto’s lap. “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.”

Danny made a great point. It was easy to say that when things were good. It was easy to say that they would last when things were like this. That was their downfall last time. Well, really his. He thought that he could do it, handle the bads but he couldn’t but... he recognized his mistakes. The main one was letting Danny go. He no longer wanted that. He wanted to fight for him, good or bad, he wanted to be there. Otto ran his fingers through Danny’s black locks, wanting to lean down and kiss his cheek. “And I’m okay with that.” He said, looking down at those blue eyes of his. “I’m okay with that. It’s what makes life interesting.” Otto pressed his lips together to fight off that urge, but he wasn’t nearly as strong as he thought he was. So he leaned down, pressing a quick kiss against Danny’s lips.

“Well, I wouldn’t lie to them. You’d have to prove yourself first.” He gave a shrug and a small smile. Of course he was going to call Otto master, or master Archibald at some point. Well, if they were still talking whenever he finished his degree. Nothing really felt solid in his life these days. “It’s not-” Danny sighed. Clearly there was some miscommunication. “It’s not an opinion thing. It’s not some self-esteem problem. I mean, there’s probably some issues there too. It’s a-” He tried to think of words that would make sense. That Otto might understand. “There’s still a shadow crawling up my spine.” It got frustrating at times, how little people seemed to understand. Other than his therapist, sometimes it felt like he was speaking gibberish to everyone else. “I can’t drag everyone down again.”

Otto didn’t exactly know what it was that Danny was going through. That was sure. But what he did know that he didn’t want to leave him alone just because of his shadow. Because that’s not what best friends did. That’s not what one did when they loved another. They stuck through it. “Well... I don’t care about being dragged down.” He said, looking up at Danny with a small smile. “And if you want, I wouldn’t mind pulling you up or whatever. Things aren’t always going to be easy, I know that but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be there for you. Okay?” He said, patting the spot next to him. “So come here.”

“So what happens when you graduate? Will everyone have to call you Master? Could get kind of kinky.” Danny turned, briefly an old spark behind his tired eyes lit up, and a smile flickered across his features as he raised his eyebrows. And as soon as it had appeared, so it went, the tired shadows scattering as he looked out the window and back. His attention felt shortened and briefly, he considered if this was a warning sign and if he needed to contact his psychiatrist. He decided not and looked back at Otto. “Yeah, easier said than done,” he scoffed. “I’m not ‘better’ or something, you know. I’ve just been declared good enough. That I’m not a danger to myself or society anymore. It’s not like- it’s a weird process. Makes you wonder if everyone’s just faking the light at the end.” He paused briefly, realizing he’d probably gone a little too dark. So he looked down at the grown, shaking his head, trying to regain a lighter tone of voice. “It’s probably easier not to. Easier to keep stuff separate, right?”

“No, they don’t have to call me that. And I would prefer if they didn’t, I can already see that devious twinkle in your eye. I’m sure you’d mention how great a dom I am or whatever if they did that around you.” He said with a laugh, happy that they could have this back. If only for a moment and it was truly that a moment. The laugh soon gave way to that. That was what Otto called those moments that the lightness in Danny, it just went away to whatever it was that was bothering him inside. “I think you’re better than good enough. And you need to start thinking that way as well. That’s really the first step, you were released from the hospital. You are great enough, now you just gave to keep being great enough.” Otto shrugged, it was probably easier but he didn’t really want easy. “Maybe, but easy has never been our way, has it? So, the offer is there if you ever want it.”

“The only interesting part? Then why are you going?” He furrowed his brows, It seemed stupid. If that was all that he was enjoying in his life. People like Otto were supposed to be happy, they were supposed to like and enjoy the things they were doing. That’s how life went for them. Danny shook his head. He didn’t quite like hearing the question, but it was an understandable one. Avi was on her doctorate program now and Ellie was applying to grad school. And here he was. The only undergrad Saverin. “No, seems kind of pointless. Not sure what I’d go back for.” He gave a small shrug and turned to look back at Otto. Then he fully turned around, leaning his back against the dresser now. It felt more rigid against Danny’s now more-prominent shoulder blades. He loved that smile on Otto. He always looked so handsome when he smiled. It was nice, warming to see that. “I figure just, get stable. Then get a job. Whenever that is.”

“Because I do want to graduate.” He said, sticking out his tongue. He sounded like such a square but it was something he wanted. For a while, he himself thought that he wouldn’t or it’d take him a bit longer because he’s lost himself to the party and fun of it all. That’s why he knew that one day if Danny really wanted to, he’d go back. He’d go back on his own terms and when he did, Otto would be there to cheer him on. Otto’s eyes met his ex’s blue eyes and for a split second, he wanted to say the words. He wanted to tell him he loved him because despite everything, they still range true. “I think you’re going to do it. You’ve got this, Danny. And you know, if you ever want a job with me, you can just ask. I’m sure they can find something for you to do at Traxs.”

Having Otto order felt like a pleasant background noise. Familiar voices in happy tones that he didn’t have to listen to the specifics of. It was almost a comfort. He picked up a picture frame on his dresser, a photo of him and Otto from when they were teenagers. Much younger. Much more different. Everything was now. He set it back down. That’s when he heard Otto’s voice raise again, talking back to him. He turned back, trying to smile again. “That’s great,” he echoed, “I’m happy for you.” He looked back at the dresser, not wanting to have to smile all the time. Just some of the time. He nodded. Of course there were weird vintage holograms now. It shouldn’t have surprised him. But he’d gone a few months without seeing an ad or really any television. They’d see a movie once a week, but it was on an old DVD player and had to be wheeled in on a cart. Just a few months out and it felt like the world had changed. “So, you’re now filming projected cats playing projected keyboards? Interesting.”

Otto looked down at Danny’s bed, just to hide the huge grin on his face. It was nice to hear Danny say things like that again. It’d been awhile since they had been this civil with one another. For months, they couldn’t be near each other without an argument breaking out. And now, there they were. Sitting and smiling and being okay with one another. In his case, happy with his happiness. “Yeah, it’s just weird.” Otto looked up at Danny with a laugh. “But interesting, it’s the only interesting part of school anymore.” Otto shrugged. “Do you plan on going back to school anytime soon?” Otto asked, now that they were on the subject. He wasn’t exactly sure that would be the best thing for him, but if he wanted to go back, Otto would support him completely. As he always did.

“Yeah, go for it.” Danny nodded, trying to smile again. It was only so long before he began looking around his room again. Everything was how he’d left it. Kind of. It’d been cleaned, obviously. Everything had square edges and it looked more solid. He wasn’t sure how. He stood up, off the bed, walking over to the dresser. He ran his hand over the top. It wasn’t quite apparent if he was checking for dust or a secret trap door, maybe. He looked down at his hand, inspecting it and then turning it over. He wondered if everything would look so comparatively weird now. Would the donut now look smaller given that he’d shrunk so much? No, not shrunk, it was just a “side effect” or whatever niceties they were assigning him now. “How’ve you been?” he asked, his eyes still distantly observing his own possessions. “Feels like ages since we’ve talked.” He turned around, briefly making eye contact and turning back around. “Any new commercials?”

Otto reached for his phone, calling away to Rosewood’s premiere eatery. By this time, workers knew not only him but Danny by name. He simply had to say his hellos and they already knew what his and his boy- ex-boyfriend’s favorites were. He also asked for a huge donut, actually he asked for three. He knew that Danny probably needed it after the ton of hospital food he had to have endured while he was admitted. His eyes wandered to that of Danny as he looked around his room, surely it had to be odd. He had been there in a while, but Otto would prefer to think about the present. They were both back to a decent place, and hopefully it’d stay this way. “I’ve been great.” He said as he said he hung up his phone. “Yeah, I can’t really complain.” Otto shrugged, sure school has been a pain in his ass but he didn’t think Danny wanted to hear that right then and there. “Oh a ton, they brought back keyboard cat, but apparently, he’s a hologram now. I don’t know, it’s ridiculous.”

“Either one.” He said, waving his hand. Everything felt weird. But it wasn’t the things he was expecting. It wasn’t the freedom or the family that was off. It was actually wearing a belt and laced shoes. It was a bed that didn’t groan every time someone so much as poked it. It was the physical proximity everyone was to him. How much closer they were, but still felt distant. “You know I’m not picky.” His smile was still a bit hollow. And the statement wasn’t exactly true. But anything had to be better than hospital food. Not that he was exactly sure how much he could eat.

“No, you’re definitely not. You’re like a never ending pit.” He said with a laugh, beyond happy to see that smile on his face. That smile alone was enough to make his heart race just a bit faster. He took a deep breath, knowing better than to let himself get like this. They were friends and solely friends. But it was hard to see it and not just want to kiss him right then and there. “How about we order in from St. Elmos and get one of those huge donuts.” Otto grinned. “You know the ones, the ones that are about the size of your face.” He playfully pinched at his cheek.