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⋆｡‧˚ʚ💋ɞ˚‧｡⋆  𝐭𝐡𝐞  𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞  𝐨𝐟  𝐚  𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥  (pt.  4)

𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐝!

you  thought  thought  that  it  would  be  okay,  at  first

the  situation  could  be  saved

but  they'd  already  picked  out  yout  grave  and  hearse

beware  the  wrath  of  masked  crusaders

did  you  girl-boss  too  close  to  the  sun?

did  they  catch  you  having  far  too  much  fun?

come  with  me

when  they  see  us,  they  run

something  wicked  this  way  comes

good  thing  i  like  my  friends  cancelled

i  like  'em  cloaked  in  gucci  and  in  scandal

welcome  to  my  underworld

at  least  you  know  exactly  who  your  friends  are

they're  the  ones  with  matching  scars

it's  easy  to  love  you  when  you're  popular

did  you  make  a  joke  only  a  man  could?

were  you  just  too  smug  for  your  own  good?

baby,  that  all  ends  tonight

it'll  break  your  heart

they  stood  by  me  before  my  exoneration

they  believed  i  was  innocent

i'm  not  here  for  judgement

if  you  can't  be  good,  then  just  be  better  at  it

everybody's  got  bodies  in  the  attic

soon  you'll  learn  the  art  of  never  getting  caught

i  salute  you  if  you're  much  too  much  to  handle

can't  you  see  my  infamy  loves  company?

now  they've  broken  you  like  they've  broken  me

but  a  shattered  glass  is  a  lot  more  sharp

we're  the  ones  with  matching  scars

𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐲

you  can  call  me  "honey"  if  you  want,  because  i'm  the  one  you  want

when  anyone  called  me  “sweetheart”  it  was  passive-aggressive  at  the  bar

the  bitch  was  tellin'  me  to  back  off

'cause  her  man  had  looked  at  me  wrong

i  cried  the  whole  way  home

but  you  touch  my  face,  redefine  all  of  those  blues

you  give  it  different  meaning  'cause  you  mean  it  when  you  talk

we  could  play  house

you  could  be  my  forever  night  stand

he  was  screwin'  around  with  my  mind

askin',  "what  are  you  wearin'?"

too  high  to  remember  in  the  morning

you  say  it  like  you're  in  awe  of  me

you  stay  until  the  morning

𝐭𝐡𝐞  𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞  𝐨𝐟  𝐚  𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥

made  her  money  being  pretty  and  witty

they  gave  her  the  keys  to  this  city

then  they  said  she  didn't  do  it  legitly

i  bought  a  ticket

looking  back,  i  guess  it  was  kismet

i  waited  byt  the  stage  door

i  said  “you're  living  my  dream”

thank  you  for  the  lovely  bouquet

you're  sweeter  than  a  peach

you  don't  know  the  life  of  a  showgirl,  babe

you're  never  ever  gonna

the  more  you  play,  the  more  that  you  pay

you're  softer  than  a  kitten

you're  never  gonna  wanna

she  was  a  menace

the  baby  of  the  family  in  lenox

her  father  whored  around  like  all  men  did

her  mother  took  pills  and  played  tennis

i'd  sell  me  soul  to  have  a  tase  of  a  magnificent  life  thats  all  mine

that's  not  what  showgirls  get

they  leave  us  for  dead

i  took  her  pearls  of  wisdom,  hung  them  from  my  neck

i  paid  my  dues  with  every  bruise

i  knew  what  to  expect

do  you  wanna  take  a  skate  on  the  ice  inside  my  veins?

they  ripped  me  off  like  false  lashes  and  then  threw  me  away

but  i'm  immortal  now,  baby  dolls

i  couldn't  if  i  tired

i'm  married  to  the  hustle

pain  hidden  by  the  lipstick  and  lace

sequins  are  forever

wouldn't  have  it  any  other  way

now  i  make  my  money  being  pretty  and  witty

thank  you  for  an  unforgettable  night

we  will  see  you  next  time

that's  our  show

we  love  you  so  much

⋆｡‧˚ʚ💋ɞ˚‧｡⋆ 𝐮𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞

❝ you only want me when you’re lonely. ❞

❝ i watched you fall for them while i was standing right here, screaming silently. ❞

❝ you never meant to hurt me, but you still did. ❞

❝ i love you. and i wish that was enough. ❞

❝ i broke my own heart trying to keep you close. ❞

❝ i’m your safety net — not your choice. ❞

❝ every time you leave their bed, you end up in mine. ❞

❝ it’s killing me to pretend i’m okay with this. ❞

❝ you didn’t ask me to wait, but i did anyway. ❞

❝ you forget me when they’re around. ❞

❝ you used to look at me like i was your world. now i’m barely your shadow. ❞

❝ i keep hoping you’ll change your mind. ❞

❝ it’s not your fault you don’t love me. it’s mine for believing you could. ❞

❝ you never asked me to love you. i did that all on my own. ❞

❝ you love the idea of me. not the reality. ❞

❝ i was just a placeholder, wasn’t i? ❞

❝ i should’ve walked away the first time you called me ‘friend’. ❞

❝ why do i keep hoping? ❞

❝ you’re happy with them. i can’t ruin that… even if it’s killing me. ❞

❝ i hope they give you everything i couldn’t. ❞

❝ i would’ve done anything for you. but you never asked me to. ❞

❝ all this time, i thought maybe… just maybe… you’d look back. ❞

❝ i was never even in the running, was i? ❞

❝ i wish i could hate you. it’d be easier than missing you. ❞

❝ i held you while you cried over them. and still, i stayed. ❞

❝ you don’t even realize you’ve shattered me. ❞

❝ i hate that you’re the first person i want to call… and the last person who’d care. ❞

❝ you made me feel like i had a chance. ❞

❝ i was just convenient. ❞

⋆｡‧˚ʚ💋ɞ˚‧｡⋆ 𝐢 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐧’𝐭 𝐬𝐥𝐞𝐩𝐭

❝ i’m fine. just... blurry. ❞

❝ how long have i been awake? ❞

❝ i’m not even tired anymore. that’s the scary part. ❞

❝ sorry, what were you saying? i spaced out. ❞

❝ do my eyes look as bad as they feel? ❞

❝ i swear i just blinked. was that a nap? ❞

❝ i think my thoughts are melting. ❞

❝ caffeine is basically my blood type at this point. ❞

❝ i can’t tell if i’m hallucinating or dreaming with my eyes open. ❞

❝ i should sleep. but if i stop, i’m afraid i won’t start again. ❞

❝ don’t let me fall asleep here. seriously. ❞

❝ i’m running on fumes and bad decisions. ❞

❝ every time i close my eyes, it feels like i’m falling. ❞

❝ i forgot what rested feels like. ❞

❝ if i sleep, i’ll miss everything. ❞

❝ i’m too tired to be mad… so congrats, i guess. ❞

❝ i can’t think straight. not with this fog in my head. ❞

❝ my body’s here, but the rest of me checked out hours ago. ❞

❝ sleep is a luxury i can’t afford right now. ❞

❝ i think i’m dreaming. wait... am i dreaming? ❞

❝ my nightmares are waiting for me. i’d rather stay awake. ❞

❝ i need to rest, but resting feels like surrender. ❞

❝ there’s no peace when i close my eyes. ❞

❝ i’m scared to sleep. i’m scared of what’s waiting in the dark. ❞

❝ i can’t stop. if i do, everything falls apart. ❞

❝ don’t ask if i’m okay—just lie with me for a little while. ❞

❝ i didn’t mean to snap. i’m just... so tired. ❞

❝ sleep doesn’t help anymore. it just delays the crash. ❞

❝ the world feels louder when you haven’t slept. ❞

❝ i’m unraveling, thread by thread. ❞

❝ every second awake feels like it’s clawing at my brain. ❞

❝ i’m afraid if i close my eyes, you’ll be gone when i wake up. ❞

❝ i’ve been running on survival mode for too long. ❞

❝ this isn’t living, this is drifting. ❞

❝ sometimes being awake hurts less than the dreams. ❞

❝ i don’t know if i’m tired or if i’m just... done. ❞

❝ my thoughts keep looping like a broken record. ❞

❝ i keep thinking maybe i’ll rest when it’s all over. ❞

❝ i can’t sleep. not when you’re still hurting. ❞

❝ i keep waiting for morning, but it never comes. ❞

❝ my body aches like grief. ❞

❝ i’m holding on. barely. ❞

he  recognized  her  indignation.  he  bore  witness  to  it  every  day  at  school.  whether  it  was  directed  at  her  there  or  one  of  her  friends.  he  assumed  they  were  her  friends.  cliques  were  like  that.  if  they  moved  in  the  same  circles,  they  must  be  friends,  right?  as  cowardly  as  it  was  in  its  own  respect,  at  least  steve  only  stood  by  while  it  was  inflicted  then.  today,  he  was  the  perpetrator.  while  his  eyes  darted  from  the  records  to  her,  his  gut  twisted  in  SHAME.  entitled?  he  was  born  entitled,  but  that's  wasn't  exactly  an  answer  that  screamed  I'M  SORRY. 

❝  you're  right.  ❞  his  breathing  comes  up  short,  and  the  words  are  too  quiet.  he  repeats  them  again,  a  little  louder  that  time.  steve's  feeble  reaching  through  the  stacks  came  to  a  stop.  his  large  hands  were  resting  on  top  of  the  albums.  he'd  given  her  his  full  attention.  it  wasn't  choppy  like  his  attempt  to  avoid  the  issue,  and  it  wasn't  hurried  like  when  he  was  peaking  through  the  pages  of  her  journal.  there  was  a  peace  in  his  looking  back  at  her  now. 

there  was  something  about  her  quiet  fury  that  spoke  to  something  deep  inside  of  him.  he  understood  her  frustration  with  the  level  of  things.  what  made  him  so  much  better,  anyway?  his  house  was  on  the  right  street.  he  wore  earth  tones  and  went  to  the  beach  during  the  summer  vacation  or  skiing  with  a  group  of  friends  when  the  cabins  were  booked.  she  probably  worked  through  the  summer.  sticking  to  the  same  routine  of  hanging  out  at  that  alternative  club  her  crowd  liked  to  huddle  into  so  much.  she  designed  her  own  clothes.  how  dare  she  be  so  original  and  bold.  so  completely  untouchable.

at  least  steve  seems  embarrassed  by  it  sometimes.

she's seen some sorry faces before, but not on steve and it's like unlocking something new. yeah, she's watched him be embarrassed. mildly uncomfortable. and then watched that get tamped down by his more typical colors -- the easy cool confidence, the surprising friendliness. quick once he's in his element, even occasionally self-deprecating.

kind of like he's being now, fingers wiggling in the space between them. making a joke that narrows down exactly what she feared he read in her diary. her fist is propped up by her elbow, knuckles pressing into the purse of her lips and her eyes roll with an err of good nature. the sentiment doesn't feel mean spirited, and so she can share in a little of that humor. a dream about steve harrington... it is kind of ridiculous.

"i know what you want people to know," she reasons, shoulder shrugging in her oversized cream linen top, can't deny that she's privy to plenty about steve that he likely isn't about her. the kinds of stupid facts about the popular people that always make front page news. who he's dating, dated. who he's friends with. where he hangs out.

furniture  was  always  an  expense.  these  days,  finding  a  piece  thrown  out  either  meant  it  was  invested  with  some  kind  of  creepy  crawly  or  soaked  in  pet  urine.  steve  felt  his  nostrils  flare  instinctively  to  detect  any  remanence.  a  distinct  stuffy  odor,  but  nothing  that  couldn't  be  covered  up  with  time  and  a  new  equally  worn  in  smell.  steve  tried  not  to  picture  a  montage  of  death  scenes  from  sonny's  suggestion.  instead,  he  bounced  his  butt  in  the  seat,  feeling  the  spring  of  the  stuffing.  ❝  nah,  i  think  if  there  were  a  corpse  on  this,  there'd  be  a  lasting  imprint  on  the  seat.  she's  still  got  some  life  in  her.  ❞

patting  the  arms  one  last  time,  harrington  got  up  and  spun  around  to  give  it  one  last  once  over.  ❝  appreciate  the  offer.  might  take  you  up  on  that,  actually.  ❞  his  apartment  was  sparce.  never  one  for  decorating  much  in  the  first  place,  he  never  really  got  the  hang  of  accenting  a  space  with  notes  of  his  personality.  steve  liked  the  idea  well  enough,  but  when  it  came  to  ponying  up,  he  made  due  with  a  foldable  table  and  one  or  two  chairs  in  case  he  had  someone  over  for  dinner.  perpetually  college  dorm  mystique  was  starting  to  look  pretty  pathetic  at  his  age.