Orpheus looks forward

This actually has abated many of my fears about being in a relationship. Since I am aroace, monogamy scared me because I knew many people need something I can’t give them. I never want to be someone’s everything. Knowing that there is someone I love and trust who deeply loves my partner makes me feel much more secure. I know that even if I’m not in a place to step up to the plate, there is someone who can. I know that my partners love me for who I am, and not for what I can do for them.

But now, I’m a phenomenal singer who can sing counter-tenor to baritone, and has a full resonance throughout. If you are scared to start T because you’re worried about not being able to sing well…for a couple years you won’t be, but your voice will come back eventually, and any training you had prior to the drop will still be applicable.

something that gives me hope right now is this one old guy writing opinion pieces for my rural southern newspaper. The area itself outside of nearby cities feels very conservative, yet every week in the local paper this one guy sarcastically bitches about the trump administration, tarifs, medicaid cuts...all the hits.

every other opinion piece in that newspaper is republican ass-kissing or this one older woman who I am convinced is senile talking about the power of prayer and all getting along (i believe she is an elementary school teacher who has forgotton that six-year-olds do not read the newspaper). No serious hate to the older woman, I'm just not usually in the mood or a fluff-piece.

I have a stable job now, one where I can be out which is amazing. I could probably go stealth if I really wanted to. I only get mistaken for a woman the same amount as other short guys who can't grow facial hair. Which is to say that it does happen, but people tend to assume I'm a man now (or at least a boy because baby face :() It also hurts less when I do get gendered as a woman now because I usually don't have to correct people. I'll simply talk and they "correct" themselves. Basically its not dysphoria causing anymore: I can actually take it as a complement because women are awesome! Turns out that my personal relationship with femininity is much better when I'm not dysphoric. It is also reassuring that it wasn't internalized misogyny making me uncomfy.

I'm in a new era of loving my body. I still am having puberty effects, but they change. At the beginning of my transition I had really bad bacne but that's cleared up only for my cheeks to succumb. My hairline has shifted I think, but my hair texture is thicker? The mood swings thankfully don't happen anymore. And my arms and abs look phenomenal. I don't think I'm super good looking as far as things go, but I think I am slightly hotter as a man then as a woman.

I personally am ok physically. But its been very hard to think or sleep or do anything since it happened. It just keeps running through my mind. And more than scared I'm angry. I'm so so angry. I Go to sleep and I wake up and my chest burns and i seethe. As I wring my dishrag dry I imagine squeezing the neck of every single politician that has made this possible. I imagine tearing their throats out with my teeth.

And to keep myself sane I imagine the future. I imagine the feeling of sunshine on my bare chest and of walking into gas station bathrooms without my hand on my knife. I remember how much happier I am only a 1.5 years on testosterone and think about how happy I'll be at 5 years, 10 years...50 years. I imagine waking up and not checking the news before I get breakfast.

I'm really worried mostly because I'm very openly trans and there is certainly public posts and documentation about it. I do not regret any of it, and will not go back into the closet or delete any social media. I've never been good at complying with rules that don't make sense. That doesn't mean this decision is easy, and that I'm not worried about the consequences both to myself and my loved ones. I really hope I'm overreacting, but so did the Jews in 1930s Germany. And unfortunately it's an apt comparison as many of these people are using classic nazi symbols and salutes.

Its been a rough month for me tbh. I live in the united states, and well... you know who got elected. I'm not really sure what legal steps I should be taking so I've been kind of paralyzed. The supreme court is also hearing a case on trans healthcare which scares the shit out of me considering their track record. If they stand with Tennessee that means that medical discrimination against transgender people will be considered constitutional.

So I don't typically experience a lot of bottom dysphoria. I'm asexual and nonbinary so not having a dick isn't something I think about except in gross situations where standing to pee would be nice.

However over the last few days, I keep being surprised when I look down and there's no bulge. Like it doesn't make me feel bad, it's just an interesting form of cogitative dissonance.

Since starting T many of the things I felt dysphoric about are no longer an issue. I even pass as a guy in public more often than not. I am not a man, but it is closer than woman so overall this is a plus. But now that some of the more pressing issues are taken care of I'm starting to notice some lesser dysphoria I have.

Project 2025 would once again ban transgender people from the military. While I personally am a pacifist, I recognize that the military is often the only option for people to dig themselves out of poverty. As problematic as the implications of that are (the poor fighting the riches wars) it still is an attempt to shut transgender people out of any class mobility.

it would defend the rights of people to discriminate against the LGBT community under "first amendment rights". This is stupid as the first amendment doesn't cover hate speech. Its also about speaking about the government, not other people.

trump would remove medicaid funding from hospitals that provide gender affirming care. Realistically this means they will stop offering it, as opposed to taking the budget cut.

They would withhold funding from universities unless they bar trans students. They would also defend the right of workplaces to discriminate against trans people.

So its been a year and I'm honestly so happy. my face looks very different, my voice is lower and I can actually look at myself in the mirror and not want to die.