Manic Pixie Dream Tarantula

While this is just a personal blog, so I don't exactly have a bunch of 'followers' this matters to. But, if ANYONE sees that I accidentally shared something created with AI, this sort of feedback is appreciated!!

I do my best to check the origin of the art I share and make sure nothing here is AI.

Crying myself to sleep from just THINKING about being *a block away* from J?

Went and bought my little wine

Started getting ready

And then.......

21 year olds from Coffin Club

All the 21 year olds from Coffin Club I've been making friends with

I can't do it

I can't drive there

Not while he's there with ALL HIS FUCKING 21 YEAR OLD GIRLS I CANT

My hair is still in rollers, my makeup half done, jewelry on, eyes so swollen from crying it doesn't even make sense to go to the Six or somewhere now

I...... I.......

....I like G (and M) as friends, I do. But I also feel like J will always be present in our friendships

He ALWAYS gets brought up. I can't say anything remotely critical, I can't speak openly. I have to shut down and shrug and gush about how incredible he is

Which he is, but we all contain multitudes. Last time I went to this night, M blaming ME that we weren't talking things out in person. Like.

Omfg

That's literally been MY BIGGEST COMPLAINT

But I can't say that. I can't describe how he avoids things. So... I have to listen and grit my teeth and say nothing

He's their friend, I don't want to impact their friendships

I don't want to hear the way I'm being described

But.... goddamn I don't want to lose EVERY space either

And I don't want to explain why I need a minute, because I can't keep asking

I've been thinking about taking MYSELF out on all the date ideas I have written for doing with J that.... it became obvious he would never want to do

Not that he wouldn't want to do them, I picked them because he would

But..... because anything I suggested was a no. Because it was my job to fit into a plan. Because *G-d forbid we ever be seen together*

But just because he didn't like or respect me is no reason I don't do them. I like that stuff too. And now that L is scaring me less, I should go back to getting out of the house, doing cool stuff, doing stuff with friends

Even all the messaging while I have been in with L has been helping. Remembering I have my own friends

Which..... two things

1. If this were to be a true, clean break. How would I handle the situation with E?

If this really is a 'I should have stayed gone when those photos if that FIRST 21-year-old were hitting my algorithm and I realized why that one bar in Vegas was such a focus'

Then, I wouldn't have spent so much of 2024 coping with the discomfort E caused me, in silence, with a smile, just to make J happy

Like. Seriously. The ONLY photo J and I have together is from E's birthday that year. With, of course, E grabbing me to take it. And somehow STILL J is still the one who looks miserable having to be within three feet of me

This is the only photo I have with J. I have.... at least 7 or 8 with E. Its... so on the nose. My single reminder of the entire relationship. He looks miserable. I'm stuck next to someone who exposed and groped me.

If I don't have any hope left, then I have to consider who of his friend group I can sever. Does that include E?

I haven't relived the memories of what he did in a long long time. I've totally forgiven him. I know it wasn't on purpose. I appreciate how much space he's given me since I spoke to him, how quick he takes no ABOUT ANYTHING for an answer given his culture (you push hospitality, so no to drinks, food, rides, etc isn't the same, but he's let me walk alone at night when I've said no to getting in his car)

....E's been a good guy. I still don't think I will EVEREVER feel safe alone with him. But. He's been kind and I don't think I should end this friendship.

I will still need to think about others.

2. He's having it at the same place as last time. Which, is a big, pretty place. But.

Memories of last year.

How every little thing I said or did was wrong. Anything I did then seemed like it brought on judgement, distance, silence. I asked, was told what was obviously happening wasn't. I was eaten alive with anxiety and sadness. Until it all broke.

He'd disappear, stop talking to me, but then act like I was in the wrong for.... anything I did when he was off doing whatever during that time? When I left the house, when I went dancing, when I was spending time with friends? Trying to distract myself so I didn't spiral about him ghosting me??

(Like. Bro. I have intrusive thoughts. I had only recently in that past year pulled myself out of suicidal ideation. I only stay clean through removing triggers. I put down my best friend of 19 years in my living room a couple months ago. I am going to STAY SO BUSY when things go badly, like what???

If you hate one of my friends, tell me before you punish me for it? Unlike you, I'd hear you out)

He was still ghosting me during E's birthday last year. E reached out to LET ME KNOW J was invited, and *asked me to come anyway* (no one knew we'd gotten back together on and off since the big breakup, they only knew I didn't hang out with him anymore) because our friendship was more important than whatever drama relationship nonsense. So.... I bought a cute outfit to fit the theme and came (I had a purple dress but last minute I felt self conscious in it)

In the back of my mind, I *was* really hoping he'd be there. Maybe we'd talk? Whatever. Instead the opposite happened. I didn't like being there, feeling out of place. I didn't feel like part of the group that showed up. I realized, after E told me J wasn't coming, that I mostly WAS just there looking forward to seeing J... so I didn't really want to go to CC with the group as they left. I felt so sad.

But I also knew I had stuff to get done the next morning... plans I didn't really want to do but knew would keep me from obsessing

Plans that, by going to, I got a lengthy 'how dare you, we're over' type message. Like I'd fucked his mom or something by... seeing an Argento movie in a room full of dudes who smelled SO bad. And not even one of my top 5 Argentos

Anyway. I haven't wanted to go back there, just the same way I stopped going to Wyrd War movies. I was so devistated... so heartbroken

So. Now, still unbelievably heartbroken. Am I strong enough to slap on a smile and walk in? Sober? Pretend to be fine?

Especially without being 100000% sure I won't see him. Like... I can't imagine he'd go, Im sure he won't. But. I.... if he did and I did... okay sure I could just leave. But that's a long drive home to be that emotional.