Comes and goes like a vagabond kitty

i keep typing personal posts, both here and on DW, and then deleting them because I don’t know the line between expressing myself and overdisclosing (and I lean heavily towards overdisclosing). I’m having periodic, low-key disconnections from reality, related to what i know rationally is a very distended, dramatic abandonment crisis. I’m reminded of a period in middle school where I was about 80-85% convinced I was my friend’s imaginary friend, and was able to find endless evidence to support the theory; right now, an unanswered message here and an interrupted thought there and the little voice whispers no one can see you, no one can hear you, are you even here, and somehow you’re not real feels a tiny bit safer than you are hear and no one cares. 

I feel so much pressure to stay positive (what’s the line between “honest negativity” and “self pity”?) and downplay everything, to present the problem with half a solution in mind. I’m having these problems but here’s how hard I’m working on it, you don’t have to worry about it, it’s all under control. And it is, right?

I’m doing a good amount of reality testing, and trying to be upfront with my therapist, and I’m med compliant and using skills and reminding myself over and over and over that I will struggle for possibly the rest of my life but I can control my reaction, my behavior. Cupcake drives the boat, chief. Maladaptive choices exist as isolated incidents; I haven’t lost any ground, and it doesn’t mean I should run frantically back into the arms of my vices for short-term relief. I feel hopeless, but feelings aren’t reality. Head up, sunshine, etc etc.