Clostridium novyi

The iconic "sunburst" pose from George Balanchine's Apollo

New York City Ballet (2025 Spring Season)

Apollo: Chun Wai Chan Terpsichore: Mira Nadon Calliope: Miriam Miller Polyhymnia: Emily Kikta

when I say "bike" I do mean "electric trike"; this does mean that even going to the bike shop to get repairs is also in many ways ~related to my disability & was even more so when I purchased it. the bike shop guy is a part of me building my life around My Body

people notice things I would not necessarily expect them to notice; while I am aware both that failure to thrive for me did include height, and also it's unusual for someone to gain an inch+ of height in their mid-late 20s, I am still surprised when someone comments that I am taller. It just seems much less obvious than what mobility aids I'm using, although I suppose height (or lack thereof) was a part of my, hm, former "ill waif" sort of appearance

both their parents were very concerned with their wellbeing but ultimately failed to protect them - collei's parent's sent her for treatment to like the worst people possible, while lohen's father didn't fight back when lohen was being kidnapped

collei walked out of the horrors with power she didn't want that later continued to make her life hell. lohen ended up wanting power to protect himself and in his story quest, he and theodore ended up experimenting with angel remains and lohen willingly used the serum on himself

collei willingly gave up the power (twice!!) because she never wanted it in the first place. lohen would get an aneurysm if he ever heard about this

collei just wants to be normal despite what she went through, lohen wants to be the most powerful he can be

the people who helped collei through her trauma (amber, cyno, later tighnari and the such etc.) were very involved and by her side even when she pushed them away. people in lohen's life were like kinda negligent about it ngl and don't really challenge him about whatever it is that he's doing

I think it's interesting to compare and contrast them with each other because their respective traumas have some overlap, including literally being tied to the same guy, probably happening roughly while they were a similar age and having themes of power and abandonment, which makes it fun to see how differently their experiences affected them. especially considering the role of strength in their stories. i think collei's whole experience in a way proves that lohen's mindset and desire to keep winning and being the strongest is kind of philosophically misguided. the god remains didn't make her feel safe, they didn't prevent her from being hurt again. and obviously collei also wants to be stronger to protect others, but also that's not the same, she also has people around her who love her and want what's best for her and who will help her if she needs it. just having power was never enough to get her to start healing.

i feel like collei definitely had issues with abandonment and she overcame them by learning to trust others again and having others be there for her. lohen's whole thing is that he is always fighting alone and depends only on himself. experience taught him that if his father could have protected him and didn't, then no one else will, so he has to take that into his own hands.

but also obviously his behavior makes a lot of sense and it creates a story that's believable and gives him something to strive for. but also like, does that really work? he's kind of a public and private menace and being strong doesn't seem to be making him any more well adjusted lmao, quite the opposite, he just proves his own point and sinks deeper into it.