Big Baby Makoto

Makoto shook his head gently, feeling butterflies - or spiders? - settle in his chest as he reached for the velvet box in his pocket.

“This is fine,” he said as he turned to take both of Sousuke’s hands in his.

“Sousuke… Um, even if you don’t remember why I’m asking you here, it’s a place of significance for us. The past us, maybe even the ones we are now. I know I put you through a lot when we… Met each other for the first time in this life, and while I regret some things, I think I am happier now. It… It gave us the chance to start over, get a fresh clean cut.

“When your past you proposed to me, he sent me through half of Tokyo, where I would meet my friends in some kind of game and I loved it. But I was also sad because you weren’t there with me. The places where we’ve been today… I started with the place where we first met, and then followed a few points of interest. I loved that garden and that’s where I wanted to take you for a picnic. I loved the dolphin show back then, but when we went there… it opened up old wounds and I could only grieve over my loss… And yours for not remembering. That’s why I was bawling my eyes out. It’s funny now, but also pretty embarrassing,” Makoto laughed as he sank to his knees, feeling a little out of place, even as he pulled the box out of his pocket.

“Now I’m asking you here, like you did in that other lifetime, do you want to marry me? Not out of obligation, but because I fell in love with who you are now,” he elaborated as he opened the box, his hands so sweaty that he didn’t manage to open it at the first try. Then, he revealed a simple matter silver band, something that looked like Sousuke would wear without fancy stones.

He had felt bad purchasing it because it had been relatively cheap in comparison to everything else, but he didn’t think that anything else suited his lover.

Makoto took his hands and immediately Sousuke knew something was off. The night was finally darkening around them and the castle in front of them and the park all around them were beginning to light up, but Makoto was looking at him in such a strange way that Sousuke hardly noticed. Suddenly, his heart was pounding. 

He focused on the words for some clue of what was coming. It’s a place of significance for us… When your past you proposed to me… 

Sousuke’s brows rose and his eyes widened, and he was so floored by the realization that he hardly heard much else of what Makoto said about their journey through Tokyo or the dolphin show. This was where he’d proposed before. And he had a feeling that this was where Makoto was about to propose to him.

His heart thundered in his chest and he wondered if he looked as surprised as he felt as Makoto lowered himself to one knee and revealed a small velvet box. He stared at it, and a few of the people around him who had stopped to watch the proposal softly cheered as a silver ring was revealed and Makoto finally asked the question: do you want to marry me?

If not for the shock, he would have answered before Makoto had even finished asking. As it was, he needed just a moment to find his voice again.

The crowd hushed. Even Yoshiko seemed to stare expectantly up at him.

Was this too much? Did he ask too soon? Maybe it was out of place after all.

But Yoshiko was looking up herself, curious as to what was going on between the adults that were her dads. She held still even as a lone tear made its way down Sousuke's cheek. Makoto's eyes widened at that, ready to apologize and take it back, but Sousuke said "Yeah."

Not yes, even though that followed as he knelt down to hug Makoto, no, Sousuke said "Yeah," and somehow that was just perfect for them.

"Thank you," Makoto smiled and closed his eyes in the hug, his own tears overflowing just then.

They entered the park with the crowds, Sousuke with a firm grip on Makoto so they wouldn’t get separated. The last thing he needed was to get lost in an enormous park filled with so many people.

Makoto led them to the front of the large castle. In the dark, the lights all around them glittered, and a voice announced the fireworks would be starting in the next few minutes. Sousuke looked around, feeling eerily as if he’d been there—in that exact spot—sometime before. As Makoto’s favorite place on earth, though, he couldn’t call that surprising. His former self must have taken him there at least once.

"This is fine," he said as he turned to take both of Sousuke's hands in his.

"Sousuke... Um, even if you don't remember why I'm asking you here, it's a place of significance for us. The past us, maybe even the ones we are now. I know I put you through a lot when we... Met each other for the first time in this life, and while I regret some things, I think I am happier now. It... It gave us the chance to start over, get a fresh clean cut.

"When your past you proposed to me, he sent me through half of Tokyo, where I would meet my friends in some kind of game and I loved it. But I was also sad because you weren't there with me. The places where we've been today... I started with the place where we first met, and then followed a few points of interest. I loved that garden and that's where I wanted to take you for a picnic. I loved the dolphin show back then, but when we went there... it opened up old wounds and I could only grieve over my loss... And yours for not remembering. That's why I was bawling my eyes out. It's funny now, but also pretty embarrassing," Makoto laughed as he sank to his knees, feeling a little out of place, even as he pulled the box out of his pocket.

"Now I'm asking you here, like you did in that other lifetime, do you want to marry me? Not out of obligation, but because I fell in love with who you are now," he elaborated as he opened the box, his hands so sweaty that he didn't manage to open it at the first try. Then, he revealed a simple matter silver band, something that looked like Sousuke would wear without fancy stones.

Makoto turned his gaze away from Yoshiko as the penny seemed to have dropped for Sousuke.

“Mhm, Disneyland. Hopefully in time for the fireworks, too,” he confirmed, his smile brightening.

“Dada!” Yoshiko gurgled, bouncing her stumps legs on Makoto’s legs with barely contained excitement.

“Yes! Disneyland!” Makoto cooed, keeping her stabilized with that hand on her back.

“Fireworks, huh?” he repeated, looking out the window again. The sky was already darkening and would be like pitch soon, the bright city lights blocking out the stars caught in the vast expanse. Fireworks would be nice, he decided. Though, wasn’t it all a bit much just for a birthday? He’d have been content with watching a movie at home or maybe getting a blowjob.

Makoto looked especially enthusiastic about their destination, though, and so did Yoshiko, though she was still too small to really understand where they were going. 

“I think she’s saying Daddy,” Sousuke chimed in when Yoshiko’s Dada was somehow interpreted to mean Disneyland. He chuckled, pointing out the silhouette of the large castle in the distance for Yoshiko, who babbled and ooo’d, eyes sparkling. As excited as she seemed, Makoto somehow seemed even more so.

“Hm, no. It’s fine,” Makoto replied with a smile, handing Sousuke his bento. “I don’t really remember the whole thing myself, so this will be an abridged version anyway.”

He handed Sousuke a pair of chopsticks, too. “Also, we don’t have a whole day, so it’s going to be just two points. Do you want to see the dolphin show we went to when we got to know each other a deep I started bawling like a baby?” He asked, popping a few rice grains into Yoshiko’s mouth before he ate some himself.

The whole thing. Makoto’s words puzzled him, and he tossed the possibilities around in his head about what “thing” he could be referring to. He hadn’t exactly answered his question.

Sousuke held his chopsticks and carefully dug into the bento, picking up the little bits of meat and rice as a gentle breeze blew over them, rustling the leaves in the trees overhead. He looked around as he pensively chewed, struggling still to remember what Makoto meant. Had they been there together? Alone? Was it once a favorite hangout? A place for special occasions?

But as the train kept on, Sousuke let his eyes wander away from those two, and he caught on to a certain theme amongst the other passengers. All of them—at least a majority—wore Disney things or cartoonish things that must’ve been Disney-related. He recognized a few, like the mermaid and the girl with the frost powers, emblazoned on t-shirts.

"Mhm, Disneyland. Hopefully in time for the fireworks, too," he confirmed, his smile brightening.

"Dada!" Yoshiko gurgled, bouncing her stumps legs on Makoto's legs with barely contained excitement.

“Hm, no. It’s fine,” Makoto replied with a smile, handing Sousuke his bento. “I don’t really remember the whole thing myself, so this will be an abridged version anyway.”

He handed Sousuke a pair of chopsticks, too. “Also, we don’t have a whole day, so it’s going to be just two points. Do you want to see the dolphin show we went to when we got to know each other a deep I started bawling like a baby?” He asked, popping a few rice grains into Yoshiko’s mouth before he ate some himself.

The whole thing. Makoto’s words puzzled him, and he tossed the possibilities around in his head about what “thing” he could be referring to. He hadn’t exactly answered his question.

Sousuke held his chopsticks and carefully dug into the bento, picking up the little bits of meat and rice as a gentle breeze blew over them, rustling the leaves in the trees overhead. He looked around as he pensively chewed, struggling still to remember what Makoto meant. Had they been there together? Alone? Was it once a favorite hangout? A place for special occasions?

“Another train?” Sousuke asked when he’d heard Makoto’s plan. “You’re gonna really make me go all over the city today.” He sighed. Luckily for Makoto, with his poor sense of direction, he wasn’t likely to figure out where they were headed until there was a clear sign in front of him.

Though, Makoto seemed awfully excited about… something…

A little louder, he said, "Well! Let's go then!"

He led them back to the Yamanote line to ride the few stations to Tokyo station where they got off and walked along the long corridors down to where the trains towards Chiba departed. The ride to Maihama station wasn't all that long and when Makoto pointed out a few things to Yoshiko, she watched intently, pudgy fingers pressed against the window as he held her up, balancing on his leg.

“Hm, no. It’s fine,” Makoto replied with a smile, handing Sousuke his bento. “I don’t really remember the whole thing myself, so this will be an abridged version anyway.”

He handed Sousuke a pair of chopsticks, too. “Also, we don’t have a whole day, so it’s going to be just two points. Do you want to see the dolphin show we went to when we got to know each other a deep I started bawling like a baby?” He asked, popping a few rice grains into Yoshiko’s mouth before he ate some himself.

The whole thing. Makoto’s words puzzled him, and he tossed the possibilities around in his head about what “thing” he could be referring to. He hadn’t exactly answered his question.

Sousuke held his chopsticks and carefully dug into the bento, picking up the little bits of meat and rice as a gentle breeze blew over them, rustling the leaves in the trees overhead. He looked around as he pensively chewed, struggling still to remember what Makoto meant. Had they been there together? Alone? Was it once a favorite hangout? A place for special occasions?

Taking Makoto’s advice, Sousuke did enjoy his bento. He made short work of it, in fact, and soon he was playing with the last bits of it with Yoshiko, holding little pieces of veggies (that he may or may not have wanted to eat himself) just out of her reach so she would make those adorable grabby hands he loved and he could watch her face light up when he finally let her eat it. He made the little airplane noises and everything, a lovestruck grin on his face the whole time.

"Mhm, we had dinner and now we'll complete the circle of the park because they're closing up soon anyway. Then we'll go back to Tokyo main station and take another train there," Makoto beamed.

“Hm, no. It’s fine,” Makoto replied with a smile, handing Sousuke his bento. “I don’t really remember the whole thing myself, so this will be an abridged version anyway.”

He handed Sousuke a pair of chopsticks, too. “Also, we don’t have a whole day, so it’s going to be just two points. Do you want to see the dolphin show we went to when we got to know each other a deep I started bawling like a baby?” He asked, popping a few rice grains into Yoshiko’s mouth before he ate some himself.

The whole thing. Makoto’s words puzzled him, and he tossed the possibilities around in his head about what “thing” he could be referring to. He hadn’t exactly answered his question.

Sousuke held his chopsticks and carefully dug into the bento, picking up the little bits of meat and rice as a gentle breeze blew over them, rustling the leaves in the trees overhead. He looked around as he pensively chewed, struggling still to remember what Makoto meant. Had they been there together? Alone? Was it once a favorite hangout? A place for special occasions?

"Enjoy your meal!" He beamed, getting a fill of his own bento. "Ah, I'm glad the weather is so nice today!"

“You’ll see,” Makoto smiled and reached out to take Sousuke’s hand. “Follow me?”

He walked Sousuke back to the train station and then led him to the Hamarikyu garden where he had been led on the tour that had led to their first engagement. On the way, he bought two bento in a convenience store so that they could have a small picnic halfway through the park.

“This place… Does this mean anything to you? I like it, because it’s a calm in the middle of the busiest part of Tokyo,” he explained with a smile as they sat on a bench. Yoshiko had woken up and Makoto fed her apple pieces.

With Makoto’s hand in his, Sousuke obediently followed. He’d have asked where they were going when they ended up getting right back onto the train, but Makoto wasn’t likely to tell him anyway, so he kept his wondering and confusion to himself. 

After a small time, they ended up at a garden—Hamarikyu Garden, by the signs.

Sousuke looked around at the trees and the gazebos and the little pond, trying to find some meaning in it, some familiarity. As they sat down on a wooden bench, he knew Makoto wanted him to remember some time when they’d been there before, but, for the life of him, he couldn’t remember when or why or if he’d ever been there at all. To him, it was entirely new. 

“Will it ruin the mood if I say I don’t think I’ve ever been here?” he replied, frowning at himself. He was sure he’d never become accustomed to visiting places his old self had been before, feeling like there was a ghost hovering just behind him or as if he was from some alternate reality.

Sousuke had been standing outside for only a minute, debating whether or not to go in, when the front doors of the hospital slid apart and Makoto hurried out with Yoshiko in her carrier strapped to his chest, as per usual.

He breathed a little sigh of relief.

Grinning affectionately, he accepted the offered Cola, saying, “Thanks.” And he leaned closer to press a gentle kiss to Yoshiko’s sleepy head. 

She made a scrunched-up face and went right back to sleeping soundly.

He walked Sousuke back to the train station and then led him to the Hamarikyu garden where he had been led on the tour that had led to their first engagement. On the way, he bought two bento in a convenience store so that they could have a small picnic halfway through the park.

It was a long day at work, but with so many of their students in school again they had to start lessons later in the day. Usually, he got to work around lunch time and didn’t leave until well after his stomach was growling for dinner. That day was no different.

When Makoto announced he was going home with Yoshiko, Sousuke had nodded and waved him farewell, thinking nothing of it. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence. It was always Sousuke’s classes that went the latest and Yoshiko needed a place to rest and eat peacefully, away from all the shouts and whistles and splashes.

Thus, when he found a carefully penned note on his bag as he readied to go, he was caught rather by surprise.

“Oh… Is it my birthday?” he asked aloud to no one in particular. Makoto was better at remembering those things and it wasn’t as if he’d thirty-two years of birthdays stored in his memory, only two, and he hadn’t celebrated during either of them at all.

Nonetheless, he followed the clue to the “hospital where they first met.” It took some time to get there from across town on the train. 

He got up and hurried outside, holding a bottle of ice-cold Cola against Sousuke's bare arm.

"Hey! I see you got my message... Happy Birthday," he smiled and leaned up for a quick kiss. "I'm sure Yoshiko would say the same thing, if not for the fact that she's fast asleep."

At least Makoto could see things clearly.  This Haru friend of his, Sousuke decided, was going to be an obstacle if he didn’t shape up. Sousuke wouldn’t let anything get in the way of Makoto’s success; not after years of searching for him and so many promises made.

He turned and grabbed some of the finally finished fish from the grill, each on little plates, and set them down before Makoto and Haru. Makoto’s had ten fish while Haru’s had three, but that was correct portioning for creatures of their size. It was probably less than Makoto was accustomed to eating at the aquarium, and Sousuke could see Nagisa’s brows upturned with some concern and sympathy, but Makoto would have to live with it and work hard if he wanted to make any progress.

“You can whine all you want,” Sousuke allowed with a stern nod as he set the plates down and took a step back to sit on the side of the boat. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, looking serious. “But I won’t let you fail.”

Makoto looked down at the plate that he was handed with a rather pitiful expression, more used to meal sizes three times that big. He looked up at Sousuke, trying to convince him with puppy eyes to give him more, but then again, he had already snacked on a fish earlier, so maybe he had already cheated too much.

“Thank you,” Makoto said earnestly then. “Thanks for the meal!”

For once, Sousuke didn’t argue. Even he could admit that the idea of traversing stairs in his condition was less than exciting and he had no desire to collapse in the basement and require Makoto to drag him back up like some pathetic thing. As if he wasn’t pathetic enough already.

He stood on shaking legs, his hands on the walls and the broken furniture for support as he slowly made his way around the ground floor of the little house. Clearly, others had taken shelter there before, from the pile of torn food wrappers and the disturbed patterns of dust on the creaky wooden floor. Perhaps they’d been runaways like himself. 

He paused in what must have once been a kitchen to catch his breath, leaning heavily on the remaining counter top as he looked around, feeling the sun on his face from the window that faced the treeline. There were some heavy curtains there; moth-eaten and dusty, but thicker than lace that he’d seen before. He was just reaching for them, intending to tug them down from the rod, when Makoto appeared, blankets in hand. 

His hand fell back to his side and he gave Makoto a tired nod. “Yeah. For one night,” he agreed, pushing himself away from the counter and the empty spot where a fridge had once been and starting back to the entryway. He looked to the stairs that led up to the second floor and he said, “Could be beds up there, though…” There could be pillows and blankets even mattresses to sleep on, instead of some wooden floor and dusty blankets from the basement. He could make it up the stairs if that was waiting for him, but he couldn’t be the one to check.

“I’ll go and check. Don’t move,” Makoto said and pressed a kiss to Sousuke’s cheek. He put the blankets on a lone counter in what used to be a kitchen, and then hurried upstairs to check if there were any beds. After what he had seen, he highly doubted that what he was about to find was better than the bed that they had found the night after they had run away, but at least a mattress would be fine.

He did find a bed, however, the mattress inside was only a frame for the springs inside and Makoto made a face. He found a comforter at last, so he took that and carried it downstairs as well.

“The bed is.... well, more a collection of springs than anything,” Makoto said, smiling sheepishly. “Let’s lie down on this though.”

Sousuke lingered in place after that quick kiss, watching Makoto walk to the living room area to sit on the couch, a picture of a happy father with his baby in arms. He’d never seen Makoto like that. A stupid grin had spread across his face before he could stop it and he turned and went for the dirty dishes before anyone might suspect that he was actually smiling.

Dishes didn’t take long. They never did. Sousuke didn’t use an excess amount when he cooked and there were only the two of them. Well, only two of them used adult-sized dishes. He washed out some of the empty bottles and nipples that had come in the duffel bag with hot water and left them out on the counter. He figured they should be in a place they’d be easy to grab if their new little monster got hungry at night.

When all was done, the table cleared, and the lights dimmed, Sousuke joined Makoto on the couch. He picked up Maruko and set her on his lap as he took her spot and pressed himself against Makoto’s side, draping an arm around his shoulders as he joined in staring down at their sleeping bundle. He didn’t say a word, not willing to break the delicate spell.

Makoto looked up when he felt the other’s arm on his shoulders, smiling happily.

“Hey,” he said softly, leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek. “She’s... she’s been sleeping all this time and all I could think of was just how amazing she is,” he confessed, shaking his head in disbelief. “I hope it stays that way, but I can... I already feel how tired we will be later on, when she cries through the night with a full diaper and all of that.”

Neither of them, it seemed, could look at one another. Haru looked down at the water in the glass in his hand and Makoto stared off somewhere else, the pregnant silence between them so tangible Haru could have cut it with a knife.

A strange thing. Makoto called it a strange thing. Haru wondered if it was a strange thing. Perhaps if he was strange enough, than a normal thing was strange to him. He’d always been told he was a bit strange; it had never bothered him before. Makoto liked him just as he was. Just where he was. But that wasn’t the scariest thing.

What had terrified him more than what Makoto had said between them in that dark room was that he felt the same.

He thought of Makoto leaving him or disappearing from his life forever and his stomach churned. When he tried to imagine what might happen when they graduated and his chest seized up, his breath caught in his throat. What cruel fortune did he have that his two greatest fears might be related?

Makoto’s fingers touched his own and he finally glanced up, staring at the deep sea of green that didn’t star back. A gentle shiver ran down his spine as those same fingers drifted to his spine and then danced down and Makoto’s lips touched tiny kisses to his warm, bruised skin. He was so gentle, Haru wondered if Makoto thought he would break.

Haru set down his glass and he lifted a hand, running it through Makoto’s hair, and he tilted his head to the side, giving him his unspoken permission and encouragement. Mark me, he thought. Kiss me, take me, do what you want. Just don’t leave.

Makoto wasn’t pushed away, instead there was encouragement to do more. But more wasn’t exactly what Makoto wanted to do, he wanted to make things better. He wanted Haru to feel again. Not in the brutal king of way where everything was too much, but in the other way, where he couldn’t get enough at all.

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