Orane H.

Let me just first day I know it's been a few years since I've posted. Hopefully future posts will be better than this one but only time will tell.

Happy New Year 2023.

I now have a daughter and she's lovely. She's going to turn one on January 21 and I'm excited for her turning a toddler but I am generally sad that things are not so great for me personally. Every day I have a fight with my wife and even though I try hard to make her happy, she's never pleased with what I do. She doesn't share the same interests in me and even went as far as saying she doesn't want to do anything with me at all. A lot of times I wonder what I did to deserve this. I know that maybe I'm not the most understanding person in the world but I thought that she would see the good I've been doing and the effort I've been putting in and love me for who I am. She wants me to be very perfect. Have the perfect body, don't snore, help out 100% of the time, do everything around the house without her asking, don't sneeze or clear my nose, do all the heavy lifting, all while I go to work and do extra hours just to make ends meet and log off or leave the office tired. I honestly don't think she loves me anymore and it's scary to think about.

Looking back at the things that have happened in the year, we all have to give thanks for what has happened in our lives. Think about the thing that could have seen you lose a leg, an arm, a family member or your life. There are a lot of people who are still willing to overlook all of these (and possibly more) and look at how much they do not have it and how much they do not see where things are going right for them. This year, I was blessed with going to visit my sick uncle who has been struggling for years with his kidneys and liver. To be honest, he has been struggling with everything for the past decade and these are recent additions to the list. I received terrible news where he said that he may not have much time left and I tried to talk to him so that he can at least do the surgeries and get better. He may be a bit more dependent on the medication but at least he would still be alive.

This is where God shows up in our lives when we trust Him. We oftentimes look at the fact that it is rough and there may be no way to get out but just when you are at your lowest, God lifts you up to heights you’ve never been at. I spent the time encouraging him that he needs to hold on to faith and believe that he will be healed. He needs to be there for his family and his family needs him. I pray that he hears my reasoning and do what he needs to do.

Life is something that is precious and he has it. We all do until we can’t write anymore. That’s what I am thankful for. Every day I am thankful that God has given me the opportunity to see another day and to live. In return, all I have to do is to worship Him. That’s all that he asks and all we should yearn for.

A relaxing session is coming soon. I deserve it. I have been integral for my company for the time that I’ve been employed for and I appreciate the fact that they see all the effort that I am putting out and granted me some time off to recharge the batteries.

Funnily, the company is having their own reboot session but I won’t be able to take part in all of it. Last year was great but I was on a different work schedule so I didn’t see all my friends from work. This year I am on the same schedule, however, they will enjoy it without me. Sad.

In this recharge, I will use it to write more. It has been a hectic few months and it has caused me to somewhat realign my focus. Now that everything is almost complete, I will be back on track to doing what I do best-- write on things that I have questions about.

October 20, and October 21, 2017, were important dates for us as we celebrated getting one year older (ha). We had so much fun at dinner looking back at how amazing God has been to us for bringing us together. The night was so great that when it came to my day on the 21st, it just transcended another level.

I enjoy moments like these where we spend time together. Looking forward to more birthdays and holidays.

There seems to be some form of confusion at work regarding who I am and what I am about. There are people who have misconceptions about me which end up making them look bad when they find out who I really am. There are even occasions where they try to study my moves. Now, I’m not one to brag and I never will. I just find it weird that they have all these things to think/say about me that no one cared to ask. They would rather sit and assume.

Not this person, however.

One evening at work a nice young lady stopped me while I was roaming the halls, looking at everyone on the side of the building that I sit. In a bid to know more about me, she asked questions normal people would be too scared to ask. Because her face was familiar and we’ve had calibration sessions together, I spoke to her casually. During this time, I’ve seen her around and we only exchange pleasantries. When in session and around her, I only talk to her about work-related topics so when she started asking me about my future plans, I was startled but at least it was original. She then proceeded to ask me about my life and if I wanted to settle down now. I responded “yes,” as I am definitely looking for something long-term with a woman. I then hasten to add that I believe some women aren’t ready to give up the plush life just yet. She then wondered why some women were like that to which I responded, “to be fair, I do not think it’s bound to a specific gender.” She then said that the reason she asked me was that she is interested in me. Now normally, I would just laugh it off as I take it for granted when women profess their feelings for me “in that manner.” In this instance, however, she was not kidding and I had to put things straight. I immediately explained to her in the most explicit manner that I was in a serious and committed relationship and It would not work. She then asked if she (insert my lady’s name here) was jealous in the sense where they could share me. That was where the conversation ended as I do not stand for that. There are other men at my company that she can catfish. Not me. Not today.

About 7 years ago, I had things that were bothering me. I was almost a year in from relocating so I was still getting acclimated to certain things. There were times when I thought that I wouldn’t make it, but I did. Looking t myself now, everything is behind me.

Almost everything.

One of the things that I had to grow into was being mature. Considering where I live now, I had to learn the hard way Because of how I was, people found me hard to deal with. As a result, no one took me seriously. To be fair, I wasn’t serious at all. Kinda poor if you would ask me. Now that I have changed, to see someone go through the same thing that I was doing is a bit scary.Little did I know that I was not fancied because of my idiosyncrasies.

And this is something that is going on every day.

At work, I deal with people from all walks of life. Everything that you can think of, every culture, beliefs, orientation, etc., you name it. What I did not expect that I would have to deal with are immature adults. On my team, we have a group of girls who are particularly chatty and they don’t get a lot of work done. I don’t really appreciate the fact that they are noisy at times so, in our team meeting, I used the spare time in the meeting after I finished conducting it to let them know that they need to be a little more productive and less chatty. I presented the plea to them in the most respectable manner and it has been rebuffed in the most distasteful fashion (redundant to add but yeah).

But this is what I am saying: If we are teammates and we are all working toward achieving a goal, why is it that you are going to continue with the annoying chatter and then not respect another member’s wishes? Isn’t that a bit childish? These are people who are supposedly adults are acting as if they are 5. No one talks to me and the number of times they’ve killed me with their eyes, it’s a miracle that I haven’t been stabbed in the parking lot yet (no joke).

The title gives it away.

After being away for the better part of 6 months (excluding September’s pity party post for Ms. Fancy), I’ve been really quiet. It seems like forever, though.

To be honest, I haven’t been led to write anymore. It’s not that I do not go through crap or have an opinion on things that are going on. It is just that I did not feel like sharing my opinion or opening up through this medium anymore. Earlier in 2016 (like, at the beginning), I went through some really depressing stuff and for the most part I was hurt. I didn’t really have anyone to talk to and I had to suffer in silence. I wanted to talk to someone. To open up to someone-- anyone. Sadly that did not happen. In July I just lost it and decided to take a break from doing things that I would normally do. 

When I was alone in my period of darkness, He stepped in with His Light and brought me out of it. Every night I have been whispering “everything will be OK” and “You’ll make it by God’s grace,” and I did.

Now that everything is peachy again, I will be writing more and I will be putting myself out there. 2016 has had its ups and definitely its downs, but I am glad I’m alive to see another year... DONALD TRUMP... REALLY AMERICA??? It’s almost as if these people haven’t learnt from the Bush Administration. KILLING A GORILLA??? Sigh.

This year will be better... I can feel it 

There are a lot of people in my life who are not good on giving advices. There are a lot of people who pass some ridiculous comments and make some very questionable statements that I have to be wondering if they are mentally stable. Despite all the mumbo-jumbo, there is some truth to what they say at times which forces me to listen to them even more and pick out the actual punch line in their sometimes crazy remarks.

I have a coworker who focuses her time on talking about stories that I find rather hard to believe. I will give her a scenario and she finds a story that happened to her “a long time ago” when she was “naive.” At one point I thought that she was doing it to top my stories but when I look back at what she said, there is a message in it. Monday we had a conversation and I told her about this girl that I blew it with BIG TIME (no details here). I told her that I really wanted her and that she wanted me. Typical. Yes. I told her also that I had the chance to be with her but “something” (no details here) happened that caused us to be on the outs now. She hardly speaks to me if she does at all. She listened and then she started telling me about her ex-husband. Of course it was another story but what she told me was earth-shattering. The message behind it (even though again it was rather extreme) was that she would never go back to her husband no matter how many times he apologised. Regardless of how chummy they may become it stops there. No more romance. She made me realised that what I did to this girl was wrong (which I knew) but then also she told me that no normal woman would ever come back to me if I did what I did to them and “apologised.” They won’t. In all of the story that was what I got and my jaw dropped. So I took her advice. I know it’s not going to go any further than where it is so I can call it off and stop pursuing because I know that this is how it ends for me. I didn’t want to believe it (in fact I felt it before but I was always shrugging it off in a bid to try harder the next time). I have to now.

*Part 2

(Part 2 of 3)

“While dating and the problems”

***NOTE: Not all of the problems will be placed in this part but will be added in the third instalment.

Before you read this, I just want to let you the reader know that the girl that I am making reference to is fully capable of defending herself as I have opened the comments section. She reads my blog whenever she wants to so she can tell her side of the story. Fair.

So everything as mentioned in part 1 last week started off very well. We decided to go ahead in the relationship as we “loved” each other. There was a point where she was my rock and she had my back. I was always in support of whatever she did and we were a team. I helped her with studying for her nurses exam, I helped her organise files, I helped her edit a few songs, even on her computer. Anything that I could do from my end I did. While talking to her, we made plans for seeing each other and we did everything in our collective power to see each other. We used FaceTime to communicate literally every night. We stayed up for hours chatting and laughing and sharing stories and personal information with each other because we were comfortable. We had the same beliefs and we had goals that we were working on achieving as a team– together!

Then something tragic happened.

Her mum passed away and she was very distant. At a point I thought that she was ignoring me and I felt weird. She didn’t talk to me for a while. When she came back I didn’t greet her in the best way and I (only) regret that moment to this day as I was an ass! It took her a while to get over it but we were back on track. Somehow though I felt as if she held that against me (will be explained in the third stanza of this purge) and it bothered me for a while but that aspect doesn’t anymore. She lost someone dear to her and it hurt that she wasn’t able to meet me.

So we started to have devotions and sessions together as we grew and we started to FaceTime literally every second we were at home or had the time. I even bought in excess of $2,000.00 calling credit just to burn it on her. I’ve never done that in my life. I was hung up over this girl. I was passionate about her. I was still weary of one thing though: her reluctance to tell her family about me. She spent time with me distracting me every day from telling her father and her brothers and other immediate family members who I was. Family is important to me. Not just the messaging her and talking to her, you know? I want them to know that I EXIST! They deserve(d) to know. I brought this up a few times but she kept on brushing it off or telling her “friends” and “cousins” about me when that’s not what I wanted to hear. I didn’t want it to be a case where I eventually (at the time) got to go over to the house and he asks who am I in a condescending and sardonic tone and kick me out of the house because the name never get mentioned. I’m going to look like an idiot. Even though this was an issue it flared up once or twice over the period but eventually came a big issue (later) as we broke up.

One day she gave me the surprise of my life and told me that before my trip, she was going to visit me (her real reason for coming was because she was going to a wedding). She came and we went out on the town! I took her to one of her favourite places and we had lunch and went to the park and did what any normal couple would do. After the lunch and after the park, we were supposed to go to the movies to chill out and everything. This was where things and issues started to occur. She claims that she didn’t want to “hurt my feelings” but part of the reason she was late was so that we could do everything late, hence missing the chance to go to the movies. The reason for her treachery wasn’t explained until after I voiced my dissatisfaction in how she casually brushed it off as if it was nothing to her. I felt terrible about it. This was when I began to notice the selfishness in her. It was a bit scary but I shrugged it off as I thought that it was nothing, you know? No one is perfect. There MUST be a period where you look out for number one, right? So I didn’t look at it too much. Little did I know that this period of selfishness was not the end, but was just a taste of what was to come in the downward spiral of this failed relationship.