A Writers Parasdide?

Every other Garrett occurrence in off campus I’m like “he’s going to kilo himself!!!!”

Listening to “fade into you” ok he really might

imagine you're born in russia in the early 90s as the second son to an older cop father and his young depressed wife and you're sweet and a lil clocky from birth so thats stomped out of you on the daily but its ok 👍 because you have your funny and beautiful mama. And then you're 12 and she kills herself and you find her pale cold body and your world ends. and everyone says it was an accident. everyone lies to your face and to each other and for What. she was so sad and he was so hard on her and wont ever take responsibility. you spend the next 10 years of your life making yourself Useful by becoming one of the best hockey players in the world. and you lose sometimes, naturally, but thats all that seems to matter. how hard you try doesnt fucking matter. your feelings dont matter. and you have to protect yourself somehow, so you refuse to care about anyone too deeply and you use casual sex and liquor to escape your suffocating life under your abusive authoritarian father and your leech brother. fuck anyone who hates you, you'll hate them right back. you'll be the most annoying bastard on the ice. you'll live for the jeers and boos and the fights. no one will ever come close to how much you hate yourself anyway. you're just like her. weak. sick. a ticking time bomb. she couldnt help it, after all. why else would she leave you alone? it had to have been inevitable. and your attraction to men doesnt factor into any of your long term decisions at all bc you likely dont plan to fall in love with anyone, let alone with a man. its just simply not an option. especially not the one who's supposed to be your enemy, your greatest obstacle to Finally Making Your Father Proud. you guys can fuck, sure, it makes you feel powerful and wanted, but nothing beyond that. even though you do love him. and you want him to love you. it's Not Possible. but your father gets sick and dies and you weren't there and you're a terrible failure of a son like he always said you were and they all hate you and you never want to go back. and some part of you wishes your father could've known you, really truly known you as a fully realized human being with thoughts and emotions and desires but there was no world in which that was ever going to happen no matter what you did and its all just too much. you finally cut off your terrible brother. you just want to live under your own direction for once. and you feel so fucking lonely and empty and you love your childhood friend so so much and she loves you but its not like that. not like it is with him. its never been like this with anyone. and the man you love invites you to his stupid cottage where he does stupid yoga on his stupid lake to be Alone Together because he cant keep pretending he doesnt like you ??? but he doesnt like you. no one could. but you want it so bad you can fucking taste it. he asks you so sweetly you could almost believe in a future together. but you cant. and THEN some old guy on another team comes out by sucking face with his Boyfriend on live tv???? ok. fine. fuck it all. you're going. a week, maybe even two. you love him and this will implode both your careers. so you dont say it. you cant. last time you got too comfortable he ran like he was being chased. so its casual. you can do casual. you can. and then he stays up late into the night constructing a plan to start a charity with you named after your mother in order to soft launch whatever this is between you and get people used to seeing you together. and he says he wants to be together for real. he wants you. and you just cant keep it in anymore. you tell him you love him. its terrifying more than anything you've ever fucking done but he says it back and god, you've been so so lonely and empty and you want to deserve this, you want to be good enough for his perfect life and perfect parents and friends and public image, you want to be worth it, love me love me love me love me please dont leave me im sorry please stay ill be good ill be whatever you want i can do it right just tell me how to earn it

ilya would never admit to this because it would betray a weakness to his soul that would be unforgivable in the eyes of his father and therefore in his eyes too but there is a part of him that fantasizes about getting his bell rung and everyone comes to his hospital room and tells them how much they love him and how sorry they are that he’s hurt and the doctors come in and tell him that they did a scan and found the cause of what’s wrong with him and they fixed it and they can’t believe that he had that and still managed to be best player in the league so now he’ll be unstoppable and then of course when he does actually get a bad injury on the centaurs and he’s high on painkillers in the hospital and shane comes in and is talking to him like he’s a dog about to to be put down ilya starts crying and can’t stop until shane is out of the room because he doesn’t want shane to see him like that and it doesn’t matter how far he is with galina or how secure their relationship is the fantasy of shane coming in and taking care of him utterly crumbles around ilya when it actually happens.

ilya rozanov is like if an impeccably bred illegal street fighting dog made a wish to become human