crash out
this time a year ago I crashed out on here about a very real life changing life altering terrifying issue and trauma dumped the real things I experienced and lurker read it
I’d suspected they might be and low key imagined it would be nice to have the attention but realizing it was really embarassing and I wish it hadn’t happened
and while I have to own my words etc and even if I’m speaking in anger here so I don’t say it irl and still let it out, it’s objectively weird to read this after someone deletes and leaves a platform entirely, makes a new account, just to get away from you
in the end I think this blog is a huge part of why all that fell apart. i wish I’d had a better place to scream in anger but it was hard to afford a therapist when potential job loss was on the horizon, family was …. and a man drove into my house. my money situation was stressful and it was an expense I cut
and I need to put words to thjngs and it got addicting to say in a space where it’s not seen but i can pretend and yeah that wasn’t great
i bet what happened is she saw one of my crash out comments on insta and they corroborated bc yeah i was super fucking hurt in the fall when by all fucking definitions she dropped me so of course I cut her off of all my socials and *I* had to apologize to *her* because my active crisis I was trying to survive. her knowing about it triggered her
she trauma dumped and told me about (private detail) and I had to decompress that whole day and *i* triggered *her*
they were worth that to me
and I hate that so fucking much
anyway so my crash out today is over something so small and stupid and yet pulls from my work even more heavily. i wish I hadn’t told them about my relapse it’s none of their business we weren’t even really friends lmao
ifs knowing where I was a few months ago and that I never talked about this with anyone bc I was terrified I’d get dropped so I overcorrect and don’t tell anyone anything bc unlike everyone else I don’t have a support system
I scream on here because I couldn’t afford therapy at that point and i can’t burden my friends bc that’s exactly how the fuck we got here. I should have been more cautious about life details but this is where the most angry thoughts have gone and unfortunately if you read all of it. It looks a certain way
“community” fuck off. you need baseline to survive and you need people for that and I literally have none. the ones who said would be there, I tried to keep this from, the moment it was real they bolted
when you have less you have to pour out more and i dont know why this meant anything to me but this whole thing hurt more than any irl breakup ive ever had












