I’d suspected they might be and low key imagined it would be nice to have the attention but realizing it was really embarassing and I wish it hadn’t happened

and while I have to own my words etc and even if I’m speaking in anger here so I don’t say it irl and still let it out, it’s objectively weird to read this after someone deletes and leaves a platform entirely, makes a new account, just to get away from you

in the end I think this blog is a huge part of why all that fell apart. i wish I’d had a better place to scream in anger but it was hard to afford a therapist when potential job loss was on the horizon, family was …. and a man drove into my house. my money situation was stressful and it was an expense I cut

and I need to put words to thjngs and it got addicting to say in a space where it’s not seen but i can pretend and yeah that wasn’t great

i bet what happened is she saw one of my crash out comments on insta and they corroborated bc yeah i was super fucking hurt in the fall when by all fucking definitions she dropped me so of course I cut her off of all my socials and *I* had to apologize to *her* because my active crisis I was trying to survive. her knowing about it triggered her

she trauma dumped and told me about (private detail) and I had to decompress that whole day and *i* triggered *her*

they were worth that to me

and I hate that so fucking much

anyway so my crash out today is over something so small and stupid and yet pulls from my work even more heavily. i wish I hadn’t told them about my relapse it’s none of their business we weren’t even really friends lmao

ifs knowing where I was a few months ago and that I never talked about this with anyone bc I was terrified I’d get dropped so I overcorrect and don’t tell anyone anything bc unlike everyone else I don’t have a support system

I scream on here because I couldn’t afford therapy at that point and i can’t burden my friends bc that’s exactly how the fuck we got here. I should have been more cautious about life details but this is where the most angry thoughts have gone and unfortunately if you read all of it. It looks a certain way

“community” fuck off. you need baseline to survive and you need people for that and I literally have none. the ones who said would be there, I tried to keep this from, the moment it was real they bolted