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A little over a month ago, I came to realize the direction I wanted to take my life towards. With that realization came excitement, joy, some trepidation, and many other mixed emotions, but the strongest and pervasive feeling was of certainty. I have since been spending more time focusing and practicing my art, trying, failing, trying again, succeeding, repeating over and over again, and feeling proud of myself each day because of it.
I have wanted to be an artist for most of my life, but never really knew what kind. I have pursued other categories of art making, mostly theater, and that exploration eventually exhausted itself after 10 years. Now, that I know what direction I will go, I've thought of how this decision separates myself from those around me. It's prevalent when I lightly share my life with people, people who aren't in a similar position. More times than not, it's met with apathy, criticism of intellect, or sarcasm. Makes it tough to want to share with the people I'm with.
On a piece of paper hanging on my wall, I have a quote from Amiee MnKnee's book "We Need Your Art." There are many quotes I like from there, but the one on my wall says, "If you choose to be an artist, your life will look different from everyone else's. And that is hard, and it is also really beautiful." That encouragement soothes my anxieties and helps me to not compare my life to theirs in an overtly negative way.
With it being the first month of a new year, it's interesting how it feels like the only change that's tangible is the number change at the end of a date, but the existence day in and out feel the same. Sure, it's the first Wednesday of the year, but it's also just another Wednesday. Another day of the week where I'm doing the same thing again, wasting away in bed.
Are there facets of my life that I wish were different, of course. But I find myself in a place where being stuck isn't uncomfortable enough to make change. I have a job and a roof over my head. I'm well off health-wise with no chronic conditions, I feel relatively safe at work and home. As far as Maslow is concerned, I have my base covered. Then the question I find myself repeating is why can't I compel myself to do what I must for the areas of my life that are insufficient.
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"But oh I know, it's coming 'round again
Another birthday and another year older
Oh, I know, it's coming 'round again
Just take a breath and get yourself together, I swear" - Big Dreams, Amyl and The Sniffers
I guess I am the type of person who buys into the New Year's resolution tradition. Sometimes I think I'm not as cliche as that, but this time of year does have me think about how I'd like to change. I'm familiar with this feeling. Sometimes I make plans and act upon it. And if I do, I notice that eventually, like two weeks or so, I'll return to my original way of being. Losing progress and completely dropping the habit or activity I wanted to gain.
I want to be different. I want change. But I just can't commit.
I think my main hurtle, is that the condition I'm in now, I'm too comfortable here, even with my wish for change. I'm not enough in a negative spot to commit to the changes I desire. It's so soft and warm to stay in bed all day watching YouTube, even on the days I'm lose scrolling for something to watch and engage with. When I think about getting in shape, the thought is followed by how much more comfortable it is to just stay home. Don't have to worry about being seen, judged, social encounters that get me self conscious. I can just stay home where I don't have to say a word to anyone.
It feels safer here, but it's a trap.
Change is hard. And ngl, I do feel like a loser because I can't 'just do it.' It's not a good motivator to think of myself that way, I know. When the challenge sets in, I'll freeze and then put distance between myself and it. If it's a challenge that only I am holding myself accountable, I will drop it easily. I'm definitely more likely to complete something when another person is expecting it of me. I guess, I don't see myself as a person worthy of showing up for.
"But who'd have then realized
I'm just an outcome, no reason for my life
I got a beer, gat a TV
Got a thousand people wanna take my life from me
But it aint enough" - Viagra Boys, It Ain't Enough
I'm not alone in this. I struggle to acknowledge myself everyday. When I feel disconnected and lost from my own mind, after distracting myself with YouTube videos and alcohol, I attempt to help myself again. Sometimes it works out really well.
The month of October and the first half of November, I was really up. Felt great about myself. I was doing a lot at home, out with other people. But then, I went to a social event and felt completely isolated. An aura around my person kept everyone away. Was it my hair? I don't believe I had some RBF on at the time. I was surrounded by acquaintances, but I couldn't interact with any of them. Even the few people I knew better, I couldn't bring myself to interact with. That night crushed my self-esteem. And since, I've been hiding myself away. Only creeping out my burrow for work and essentials.
So, it's been a few weeks now. Been watching movies, ones I hadn't seen before, Carrie, The Exorcist, Kung Fu Hustle... started a new game of Bloodborne and learning the lore. I've yet to actually finish a FromSoft game. Attempted many many times, but could never complete. The closest I ever did was the Storm Ruler fight in DS3. didn't even get to the Ringed City. I could be looking into this too much, but I can't help but think that my failure to complete challenging game like any FromSoft name is simile to my life. I've genuinely been a quitter at things that are too hard. It's not something I want to beat myself up for. It's understandable that one wants things to be easier instead of harder. But never learning how to do the hard things, will only leave me in a pit of melancholy and bitterness. And that's a hard thing in itself.
So, why the quote? The title of the song mostly along with its melody. Where I stand right now is not enough to get close to something marginally better. And the apathy I personally feel to my existence isn't enough to progress in my sparse goals. I feel like such a fool.
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