DYKE

your thoughts aren’t enough anymore; you need to touch her. so the tips of your fingers trace up the cartilage of her ear, into her hair, and your thumb strokes across every freckle on her cheekbone. before you touched her, billie was already awake, but her body was still half-asleep, blissfully unaware that she’s your muse this morning. but now that your touch has woken her body up she moves slightly, nestling her head into your palm. without opening her eyes billie softly says through a smile, “happy birthday, baby.”

even though she can’t see it, you smile in return, “thanks, baby.” she’s awake now but your fingers aren’t done taking her in because your need for her, to know her, to feel her, for proximity of every kind, is insatiable. you are a bottomless well of desire for her. just as these thoughts are coming to a head, billie opens her eyes. they meet yours. and she just knows. you can see her feel it from you. she knows every thought of yours, she feels every bit of your adoration for her. you wonder if when your skin touches, and when your eyes meet, if your love is somehow being conducted to her.

bilie wastes no words (they’re futile devices when it comes to love, anyway) as she moves her hand up from the mattress and mirrors your own, softly resting on the side of your face - each of your arms crossing over one another in the shape of an infinity loop. as her calloused fingertips settle on your cheek it’s your turn to know just the same as she did. you can feel her adore you right back. she watches you like she’s watching your soul glow, because she is. your simple mind can do nothing but search for some simple explanation for these invisible communications, ‘it’s gotta be conduction’, you think. which makes you laugh at yourself, breaking the silence. billie laughs with you.

here now, a pair of laughing faces, framed by the hands of the their lover, in a bed they share.

with a smile, billie makes an attempt at articulating what’s coursing through her, “how lucky are we?”

“to feel this?”, you ask with a matching smile.

“to feel this.” she confirms with a nod.

some silence.

“i used to think this would never happen to me… or at least not in this life”, you admit.

“me, too.”

some more silence.

she continues, “we’re the lucky ones this time.”

“isn’t that a lana del rey lyric?” you ask her while laughter leaves you for the second time this morning.

“life imitates art, my love.” she teases. “first dance song?” she teases you some more as she raises an inquisitive eyebrow.

“i think you skipped a few steps there, b.”

“but once we reach the step?” she tries again, earnesty leaking out through her own teasing.

“then we’ve got ourselves a deal”, you kiss her lips once in confirmation.

eventually, after the two of you spend some more of the morning intertwined with one another, you get ready for your day full of birthday plans that lie ahead. since you’re in you’re sunny hometown for your birthday trip, you decided you wanted to go on jet skis. billie had asked you if you liked riding them a few weeks ago (assuming you must have done it since you grew up next to tropical waters), and when you admitted you’d never been, she promised to change that as soon as she could.

the two of you get ready for the day in your childhood bedroom with billie rifling through her suitcase and you re-discovering old clothes you used to wear in your closet. you land on a simple, coral pink triangle bikini - chosen especially to contrast your tanned skin - and your old low-rise lightwash denim shorts, paired with a white tube top. simple, but your most you form. at your vanity mirror, you pick up your eyebrow gel, but as you do, you spot billie pull on her navy blue bikini bottoms [a/n: y’all i can’t tell if her bikini in the pic is navy blue or black lol] over the fair skin of the back of her thighs. the sight stops you clean, stealing your focus for a moment. you watch her bikini bottoms dig into her hips as she ties pretty little bows on either side of her body. billie turns her head back to look at you, her eyebrows raised, “can i help you?” she asks as her eyes find yours in the mirror.

“i didn’t say anything!” you raise your hands up and your voice pleads your innocence.

“you don’t have to, i can feel it. plus your breathing went funny.” billie says as she looks forward again, trying to re-focus on getting dressed.

“it’s my brithday, you have to let me”, you try and match her teasing, but internally damn the ‘invisible communications’, because sometimes it leaves you caught and a little embarrassed.

now with her top half on, billie walks up behind you. her tattooed hand wraps around the back of your neck as her other hand strokes down your arm. she leans down to leave a soft but painfully lingering kiss on your shoulder. her mouth stays right where it is, hovering over the skin between your neck and shoulder, but her eyes flick up to meet yours. billie’s words come out as slow as her kiss, “dont worry, baby, i’m only teasing you.”

her gaze, mixed with her touch, mixed with her words, have created an intoxicating concoction that’s sitting deep in your stomach. you’re unable to respond, but you don’t need to. you know billie can feel the goosebumps rising beneath her touch. she smiles at that. her hand strokes your arm once again, settling your goosebumps, and she casually walks away to return to the earlier task of getting ready. you’re left dazed and wanting, but manage to act out the motions of someone who feels totally normal, knowing you need to get to the beach after all.

by the next hour, you’ve made it to the dock where you’ll be setting off from. you’re sat on the wooden planks, ever-so-slightly swaying with the ocean waves, as the employee explains the safety protocol to you both and guidance on how to drive it mainly to you since billie told him this isn’t her first time.

“it’s just like the 4-wheeler, baby” billie says to you, nudging your side with her elbow, knowing that the employee’s words are going through one of your ears and out the other.

“exactly”, he confirms.

“oh, i can do that! ok, let’s go!” you say as you stand up, eager to go now.

“we just need to get you fitted with life jackets first.” your enthusiasm lulls at his words and billie laughs at your childish reaction.

“here, this one will fit you”, he hands billie a life jacket. she pulls it over her arms but doesn’t buckle it up yet.

“and here, you’re a couple sizes down”, he gives you yours letting you put it on yourself.

you pull it up your arms, walking closer to billie so he can’t hear you, “damn, he really said ‘here you go miss itty bitty titty committee’”, you whisper to her. she lets out that extra special laugh she does where her head tips back. your favorite. you take a picture of her in your mind so you never forget it.

“your boobs aren’t small, baby, mine are just big”, billie tries to reassure you even though she’s still laughing at you. she begins to do up the buckles on your jacket.

“you don’t even believe that!” you say jokingly fed up, throwing your arms up then dropping them by your side.

“well i think they’re perfect. now stay still” she tugs you by your jacket, coaxing you to stay still. finally, she does your life jacket up completely.

you go to return the favor, but before you can your mouth gets the better of you, “do you really have to wear this?” you ask her, doing up her jacket despite your words.

“do you want me to die?”

“no, but it’s ruining my view” you say, biting back a smile. billie simply rolls her eyes at your antics.

after a couple minutes, you’re finally permitted into the water. you and billie jump in to the crystal clear blue and swim over to the two jet skis sitting a few feet from the dock. you watch as billie climbs up onto one of them but you remain in the water, “wait...”

“what’s wrong?” she asks you.

“why am i kinda scared now?” you laugh self-effacingly.

“aww, baby, come here. climb on the back” billie reaches her hand out for you. you take it and lever yourself up, straddling the seat behind her. billie pulls your arms around her waist and your fingers latch on to the boning of her jacket.

“i’m gonna go slow, ok?”

“oh god”, the reality of what you’re about to do hits you. “fuck!”, the adrenaline is piling up inside of you by the second when billie looks down to see your fingers fiddling nervously with her jacket. she turns her head to face yours, “hey, look at me.”

you do.

“i’ve got you. you’re gonna have fun. but you have to trust me for about five seconds, ok? do you trust me?”

“always. but i’m still scared.”

“that’s ok, baby. that’ll turn into excitement real soon. do you want me to count down?” she asks as her hand better grips the rev.

“no, just go” you say gritting your teeth.

“just go?” she double checks.

“just! -“ but before you can finish your sentence, her right hand pulls the handle back, catapulting your jet ski forward. your eyes snap shut, feverishly squeezing, as you let out the loudest most high-pitched scream you could possibly muster up. but as your scream goes on, and as your eyes open, it transforms in to some sort of maniacal laughter.

“you good?” billie screams over the ocean spray thats flying past either side of you two, very slightly glancing her head back to check on you.

“holy shit, yeah!”

the two of you race around the ocean for the next half hour. billie sometimes nipping around invisible corners, or pumping the nose of the jet ski to create peaks and troughs. she slows down and comes to a hault for a second once you circle back near the dock, “you wanna drive?”

“can you stay with me?”

billie wordlessly agrees, standing up and allowing you to scoot forward. she straddles the back of the seat but stays standing for a moment so she can see over you.

“you feel like you got it?” she checks as her hand takes ahold of your chin and she tilts your head back to look at her. you nod with the most adrenaline-fueled smile. happy with your answer, she leans down and kisses you upside down. her thumb stroking the softest circle on the side of your chin. she pulls away and sits down behind you, one of her hands anchoring herself to you. the other taps your thigh twice, letting you know she’s ready to go. your front teeth take your bottom lip between them as your right hand pulls the rev back steadfast, jolting you further into the blue. the adrenaline of the first ride comes back in two-fold with you finally controlling the chaos.

billie moves her hands below your lifejacket, squeezing on to your actual hips, “stand up!”, billie shouts next to your ear. without a second thought, you follow her command blindly, immediately standing up from the seat as her grip keeps you steady.

“good girl!” she reassures you, with a hint of billie charm. you can hear the smile on her face. now, if this were literally any other situation, you would do something about that. but (un)fortunately, you cannot right now so instead you shake it off with a chuckle and just keep driving.

a little later (you’ve lost track of time now), billie calls a water break so you turn back towards the dock. once you’re near, billie jumps off the back. her head resurfaces and you turn the handles away from her and speed off again. finally after an hour of billie reassuring you, you’re confident enough to go out on your own. the rush envelops you all over again. it’s simultaneously the loudest blur and the most serene calm you’ve ever gotten the privilege to experience in your life - once again, you lose yourself to it, for who knows how long. only coming back to when billie, on the other jet ski, pulls up next to you. you slow down so you can talk.

“there’s fifteen minutes left, ok? you having fun?!” she asks you even though she already knows the answer.

“best day of my life!” you smile.

she smiles back, “good! happy birthday, my love.” billie reaches out to you, her hand in the shape of half a heart. your own heart leaps at the gesture, and you mirror her hand.

“i love you.”

“i love you, too.”

those fifteen minutes pass far too quickly and before you know it you’re sitting next to one another on the beach, lifejackets long gone, as you watch the sun begin to set. billie has her phone in her hand, scrolling through pictures, some that she took herself on her water break, and some that the employees airdropped her.

“oh my god look at this one!” billie turns the phone to you. it’s a picture of the two of you parked next to each other, hands connected in a heart from earlier.

“dude” you open your mouth and drop your head back as though the cuteness is causing you actual agony.

“wallpaper material, for sure” billie matches your energy.

“let me see the other ones” you put your head next to hers.

billie swipes, one after the next, until you stop her on one of you by yourself on the jet ski where your upper body is reaching forward for the handles.

“who took that?”

“me” billie says, clearly proud of herself.

“my ass looks FAT” your voice gives away how gobsmacked you are.

“ur ass is fat, why do you think i took the picture?!”

you flip your hair over your shoulders, one after the other, in (semi)fake arrogance.

eventually, the joke comes to a natural end and the two of you are left sitting there on the shore with nothing but eachother and a swash that comes up to visit every so often.

“i really meant it. this has been the best day ever, billie.”

“yeah?”

you nod.

throughout the night you tried to keep your cool. (not so) secretly stealing glances of her from across the dining table. struggling to maintain conversations with other people - your mind drifting back to the fantasy of billie underneath you every chance it could. billie noticed the quiet looks, the stolen glances down her body. she even caught you staring at her mid-meal. your cheeks reddened from getting caught, but she didn’t seem to mind. no, she even seemed to… enjoy it?

that was seven months ago. you and billie’s relationship grew to dating about four months after you met. it has been everything you could hope for. she’s beautiful, she’s smart, she’s funny. and most importantly, she’s yours. one thing has been plaguing your mind though: you two haven’t had sex yet.

you’ve only been ‘officially’ together for three months, but you know that this is a pretty long time to wait in adult relationships. the lack of intimacy is not for a lack of want, you want her, you just can’t help but feel weary of the whole idea. honestly, it’s scaring you how badly you want her - this being a new feeling, and all. what if you don’t know how to please her? what if she doesn’t know how to please you? will she go and tell all her friends about how bad you are in bed? will she be unfulfilled and leave you? will she stop wanting you?

unbeknownst to you, billie can sense your nervous energy whenever things got intimate. you thought you were hiding it pretty well but the illusion came crashing down on a random wednesday night. with your body draped across billie’s lap, you two were talking gently - billie littering you with compliments and sweet nothings. but when it came your turn to return them, you froze up. completely unable to (or maybe subconsciously refusing to) articulate what she made you feel.

it seemed like billie could flirt so easily. but you just… couldn’t. everytime you tried, you got flustered, clumsy, and gave up. luckily for you, billie found it cute most of the time - she’d offer you a soft kiss to telepathically tell you it’s ok. but not tonight. tonight she’s fueled by curiosity.

“why do you do that?” she asks so plainly. she’s never been shy with her words - this makes you laugh. but the laughter comes to an end and you’re left in silence.

“do what?” you feign ignorance. smiling even though your heart has both started racing and stopped entirely.

“whenever i tell you i want you, you stop. it’s like you dissapear somewhere else. why do you do that?”

“um…” you contemplate whether you should be entirely honest with her or come up with some half-assed excuse that she’d inevitably see straight through. deciding that the first option is the only real choice, you try again.

“well, honestly… you seem like such a good thing.” you explain, but clearly, not well enough.

“what does that even mean?” she says through laughter.

your hand lifts to your forehead as you try to scratch away your awkwardness, eyes darting around the room. “its just… i think you think i’m like a virgin, or something. i’m not. you have no idea the things i think about you”, you meekly say.

billie just looks down at you patiently, waiting for you to continue. she’s still not sure where you’re going with this. you can see it in her eyebrows.

“i’m not a virgin or anything, i mean i only have one body but that’s not the point…” you catch yourself rambling and refocus your words, “it’s just, sex never really appealed to me that much. but with you, it’s- it’s all i think about. so i guess it feels new, and weird, and… maybe scary?” you clear your mind, expressing your anxieties and internal train of thought. “i’m scared that if i let it happen once, that’s it, either i won’t be the same again, or that’s all you’re gonna hear.”

“babygirl, that’s all i want to hear. i’ve been over here questioning what i did wrong and why you don’t want me.” billie’s eyebrows finally uncurl as she speaks. her hand takes your own that’s still picking at your forehead, stopping you from doing any real damage. her eyes meet yours. now you feel even more exposed than you did a moment ago.

but you keep her eyes attention, “it’s not that i don’t want you, billie.”

“well i know that now, baby” she teases you with gentle laughter. “why are you scared you won’t be the same? i’m sorry, i don’t think i get it.”

“it’s a whole other dimension of human relationships and that intimidates me, i guess. like, it’s one more thing to feel inadequate at, or one more thing i can ruin, or one more thing that can hurt me. so i’ve avoided it for as long as i could. but it seems now it’s caught up to me”, you laugh a little, “or like, maybe i just don’t wanna run anymore”, you say to her.

billie’s gaze never faulters. she looks only at you, her eyes softening as your words download into her mind. “sorry, i know that’s stupid”, you say into the silence, trying to preempt the thoughts occuring in her brain. your eyes finally wrench from hers.

“it’s not stupid. not at all.” billie says quickly - now it’s her turn to stop your demeaning thoughts from occuring. she squeezes your hand once. “you’re not gonna ruin anything like that. you couldn’t if you tried… and even if you could, i wouldn’t let you” she smiles at her last playful comment. the corners of your lips begin to inch up, as well. it’s your body’s natural reaction to seeing billie smile. but you pull it back down - you’re not fully at ease yet. she can see the worry lingering inside of you so she lets go of your hand to hold your face instead, her thumb stroking your cheek. “look at me, baby” she asks. your eyes glance up to hers but pull away again just as quickly. she taps ur cheek twice, “hey”, she coaxes. you listen this time.

“i’m with you because i want to know you. i want everything that you come with. when i asked you to be mine, i meant all of you. i want to be close to you in every way that is humanly possible, and part of that is touching you. now, if you don’t want to have sex with me because that’s genuinely not something you’re interested in, then that is completely fine and we can talk about that”, she pauses to raise her eyebrows and tilt her head assertively - “i mean it” - she confirms. “but if you are scared to do that with me because you think i’m gonna judge you, or put you on some grading scale, or hurt you then you’re wrong, baby. my only intention is to be close to you and make you feel good and show you how much i care for you. i will never ever hurt you”

you can feel tears threatening to escape. you blink them away and swallow the rock in your throat back down just enough so you can speak, “i know you’d never physically hurt me. but what about my heart? what if…”, you take a deep breath, coaxing these last few words out of you, “what if the more you know me the less you like me.”

billie’s eyebrows furrow as she frowns sympathetically, “baby…” she leans down to kiss across your face with her hands stroking your hair, “that’s fucking heartbreaking.”

“i think about it all the time” you reply frankly with a small shrug. billie shakes her head, “every little thing i have learnt about you has only made me more and more enamoured with you. i wish you could see you how i see you.” you nod gently, “yeah, me too.”

the two of you sit in silence for a while, a comfortable one this time. “ok” you say.

billie sits up confused, “ok, what?”

“i believe you”, you say with a smile tempting it’s was onto your face. “i’d never lie to you”, billie says, finally letting out a huge smile. your own following suit.

“that’s my favorite”, you say, pointing vaguely at her face.

“what is?”

“when you smile really big i can see your gums in the corner of your smile. but it only happens when you really mean it” you explain. billie’s smile grows past the point you thought was possible. you sit up and rearrange your body to straddle her lap. you kiss her… or at least you try to.

“i can’t kiss you if you keep smiling like that, b” you laugh, your mouth hovering next to hers.

“i thought you said it was your favorite?” billie quips, letting her hands land on your thighs.

“fuck you, smart ass” you roll your eyes but your laughter defies you.

“is that not what i’ve been trying to do here?!” she blurts out jokingly, throwing her hands up. you gasp and slap her arm in mock punishment, but then take her in your hands anyway, finally able to kiss her for real. she kisses you back, squeezing your thighs as she does. but she soon pulls back, looking into your eyes once again.

“have you really been scared i won’t like what i find?” billie questions you, her tone making it evident that she cant quite believe you would think such a thing.

you nod, “i care what you think.”

“then you should know that i THINK you’re beautiful” she kisses your forehead, “i think you’re funny” she kisses your cheek, “and smart” now the other one, “i think you’re soul is a good one” she kisses the tip of your nose, “and i think you’re fucking sexy, baby” she finally kisses your mouth. you melt into it, feeling your whole body untense under her soft but affirming touch. your fingers intertwine in her hair, grounding you as they play with her silky strands. billie very slightly moves her mouth away from yours, allowing her forehead to touch yours. the two of you keep your eyes closed, basking in the comfort.

“you really mean it, baby?” you whisper.