*Fans Like You Should Be BURNING IN FEELINGS

My fat beagle consumed an entire bag of dog treats and proceeded to blast shit everywhere, which I then of course stepped in and tracked all over the house!

So I’m just trying to retrace my steps with disinfectant wipes as I deeply ponder the meaning of life. 

There he is. Shitblaster 9000 himself. 

Yeah you heard me, Shitblaster 9000. How do you like that for a new name, huh? Huh?? Are you even listening?

He doesn’t care. He’s like, I got a whole bag of treats, I’m fine.

Irony of the situation is, I tracked all the shit everywhere as I was looking for the source of the shit.

Yeah, ha ha ha, very funny. Hahaha!

[mocking voice] “hur de-der I’m a dog and I like to eat until I get sick and poop everywhere while my owner’s trying to have a social life for the FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 100 YEARS.”

What the- What the hell is that?? It’s like, glittery but it smells like shit!

Spoiler alert, it was shit.

Are you honestly so undernourished that you had to go and eat some poor kids craft project too?

I can’t believe this!

Brb snapchat, I’ve gotta roll up ground zero and throw it outside!!