Just A Personal Blog

Chapters: 1/? Fandom: Bleach (Anime & Manga) Rating: Explicit Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Kurosaki Ichigo/Urahara Kisuke Characters: Urahara Kisuke, Kurosaki Ichigo, Kurosaki Karin, Kurosaki Yuzu, Bleach Ensemble Additional Tags: Yandere Urahara Kisuke, dark urahara kisuke, Morally Ambiguous Character, morally grey Urahara Kisuke, Serial Killer Urahara Kisuke, Murderer Urahara Kisuke, Obsession, Possessive Behavior, Youtuber Kurosaki Ichigo, ASMR Artist Kurosaki Ichigo, Yakuza, Former Yakuza Urahara Kisuke, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Human, Bad Parent Kurosaki Isshin, BAMF Kurosaki Ichigo, Urahara Kisuke Being Urahara Kisuke, Possessive Urahara Kisuke, Protective Urahara Kisuke, Gotei 13 Squads Are Yakuza Clans, Murder, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse Summary:

Kisuke, freshly banished from the yakuza clan he’s dedicated the last decade-plus of his life to for a murder he doesn’t regret, happens upon a certain ASMR channel and is immediately obsessed.

Karakura Town’s crime rate plummets even lower than it normally is right around the time Ichigo bumps into a handsome stranger who’s just moved to town.

These two things are very much connected.

“Beautiful Stray cat that adopted owners at an auto parts shop is employee of the Month”

Oh absolute unhinged behavior.

Byakuya starts the actual active courting process by sending gifts and the like and the class loses it.

They're arguing, people are coming to blows about how they should respond so as to not offend Kurosaki-sama's Demonic Fiance.

Someone goes to kidnap both the history teacher and the librarian and drag them to their homeroom period so they can pick their brains about ancient courting practices and the like. Someone else is frantically researching demonology.

Both.

Girl in the back : He acts like a Giant cat ! I approve !

Her BFF : *gasp* How could you betray Byakuya-sama this way ! We must chase him !

Manga writer boy : No no go on i needed more ideas

alternately Ichigo also knows that Kenpachi's sexuality is firmly settled on Sick Sword Fights and their entire relationship revolves around said sword fights and like afternoon naps with no romance involved so he's gonna keep the option of absconding with Kenpachi firmly in his pocket for when someone pisses him off.

The class ask about him and Ichigo calls him Grimmjow and then proceeds to make cat references so the class naturally Assume Things

~~~

No see if Grimmjow was to appear he would, obviously, be Byakuya’s Demonic Cat Rival.

Because Ichigo and Byakuya’s love blossomed on the battle field remember? And Grimmjow is obsessed with fighting Ichigo.

Ichigo has, by this point, made Petty Bitch™ his new life style brand so of course he’s not going to let that stand.

Needless to say the entire Class is warned about how Toshiro can steal your soul if you call him by his official title of Hitsugaya-taichou.  It’s part of his Demonic Captain Of Hell Secret Powers because he’s a Ice Dragon Demon and hoarding souls is what he does. 

Byakuya shows up with the entire gang and the Class is like “Kurosaki-sama your Future Demonic Husband has brought the entire Hell Court!!!”

And then the next thing Ichigo knows he’s being carried back to the classroom, Ishida is there, and suddenly he’s wearing an entirely new kimono and being set up to be presented like an actual bride.

Oh they absolutely know that shit is not normal by far and they’re absolutely in on it.

Ichigo is, no matter what, one of theirs so even if there’s a separation between them right now they’re still going to take any opportunity to fucking irritate him because the family that trolls together stays together.

Na see no Ichigo wouldn’t be afraid.  It’s Ichigo.  Even if he doesn’t have his powers back yet or whatever he’s not gonna let some shit like that stop him

Ichigo would be ready to throw down.

Byakuya shows up looking all handsome and stoic and just generally fly as shit.  He’s dressed in some Kuchiki worthy Human World Best, his hair is stunning, his skin is supple, he smells like good breeding and money, and he is back-lit by swirling sakura petals.  He’s the complete package and he doesn’t even have yaoi hands.

This man is in it to win it.

And then Ichigo dead-ass just fucking superman punches him in the face screeching about “what the fuck did I do to piss you off this time??”

And the class is f r o z e n  because what the fuck what the fuck whaT THE FUCK???

Why is Kurosaki-sama attacking who they’ve know is his Future Demonic Husband????

And then one of the gang is like “Oh yeah Byakuya totally has control of sakura blossoms and almost killed Ichigo with em that one time.”

And the class is like …. 

Look Tatsuki is like “I grew up with him so I 1000% believe Ichigo could go to Hell and come back with a Fiance” because, honestly, Ichigo.

Meanwhile the Class is absolutely convinced that the rest of the gang are like Ichigo’s Court/Lieutenants or something.

Class is absolutely convinced that Ichigo cowed the forces of hell all on his own.