Fᴜᴄᴋɪɴ' Wɪʟᴅ Oɴᴇ!

Seeing how the thoughest of the Runaways reacted to her physical wounds inflicted by Kim, the dark haired manager felt horrible for keeping everything about this a secret to her band mates. She let go of her shirt which covered her scratches and cuts, and sat back down on the couch with her eyes closed. She listened to Joan even if it didn’t look like it and could feel all of her rage simply for keeping it all quiet. And she was right to the end, but Alexandra’s always been stubborn and thick headed. To her, mixing personal life with work was a no, no and exposes the person’s weaknesses to its coworkers. But when your coworkers are your friends and family, acting and thinking that way would be like betraying their trust. All of those thoughts were running through the girl’s head as well as the physical and mental pain she was suffering from which all created a ball of emotions in her chest that could be extremely dangerous if she exploded and came near to be physically violent towards Joan after confronting her just moments ago. Tears rolled down Alex’s cheeks as she looked her best friend straight in the eye and responded. “ You’re right. 

I should have spoken about all that…but it’s not that easy tough. My bruised body is proof enough, but still…as much as i’d want to make him pay, i’m also scared as heck. What if it all backfires anyways? I know i’m thinking too much about this, but there’s so much going on in my head. I’m sorry man… and I shouldn’t have lashed out on you, either. But I just panicked for a moment.”

When silence came into the trailer, Alex could hear the girls talking outside and overheard Lita being insensitive as usual. Normally, the assistant band manager would not be surprised by that and just ignore it. But considering the situation and the current state she’s in, those words felt like a sharp knife piercing through the girl’s wounded heart deep, unless her mind was playing tricks on her since her illness was getting worse each second. So perhaps, she was just a bit paranoid. She could feel her every cells fighting hard to chase off what’s making her ill. Tough, a fever had just begun and her temperature was higher than usual, leaving stains of sweat on her shirt. (Just what is this illness i’ve got?) Alex thought it was the flu, but it seemed worse than that. “A doctor…yeah. ‘Cause I thought I had the flu, but man…I haven’t been that sick in so long! Feels like it could knock me out cold. Damn! I- I need to get some fresh air.. It’s hot like an oven in here!”

She had about reached her limit for the day and decided to get out to feel better, so she opened the trailer’s door which interrupted the argument between Cherie and Lita. The girls held their breaths for a moment while looking at Alex going down the steps. Sandy noticed then that her friend looked worse than earlier and whispered to Jackie. “Man, she pale like a bed sheet! 'That really the flu she got?” And Jackie responded with a shrug, she had no idea how to deal with all this. But she was worried and so were the rest. And then Lita took a step forward, decided to confront Alex once and for all. “Well now, you awake or should I beat some sense into you some more? 'Cause i’m done wastin’ my time for you! And you’re lucky that Joan’s being soft on ya 'cause there’s no way i’d stand for this bullshit!” That confrontation was taking things too far and Cherie refused to let it slide. “Lita, enough! You’re making it worse rather than helping! Just give the girl a break, will you?” But unfortunatly, the lead guitarist didn’t care a bit this time and carried on which would be a terrible mistake on her part. “Is this whole thing fo’ real or did you make that up just to make us pity you?”

The next second after Lita spoke that last line, Alex stopped herself completely and right about now, she wasn’t the same Alexandra McCoy who used to be calm and easy to control her emotions to avoid conflicts. “What’d you say? That i’m a lier?” She didn’t wait for an answer that in an instant, she quickly grabbed Lita by the collar and pushed her against the trailer. A loud metal bang was produced when her back hit the trailer which caught her by complete surprise. “The fuck’s wrong with you, Alex?! Lemme go!” The band manager tightened the grip on the collar which nearly began to choke the life out of the red haired rocker and she struggled to break free. Cherie, Sandy and Jackie all stared in shock, terrified by the sudden violent outburst of rage from their friend. They just stood there, wondering what to do. “You got something else to say, bitch? Huh?! JUST TRY IT! I’ve about enough of that damn attitude of yours!” Alex yelled in a tone that scared the guitarist to death as she kept trying to catch her breath, but remained unsuccessful. Then, the ill girl finally let go of Lita and raised her fist, about to punch her in the face. “Relax man! I- I was kidding! I’m sorry, okay?” Said Lita with a trembling voice which didn’t seem to reach her angered friend at all. The red head gasped, swallowed and closed her eyes, ready to take the punch.

“ALEXANDRA, STOP!!” Shouted Cherie with hopes of making the friend she once knew return to reality and herself too.

   " No, don't do that.  You don't need to apologize, " she said quietly, suddenly feeling ashamed for letting her temper get the better of her. " You don't got nothing to apologize for... " But I do. It's me that should be apologizing, again and again and again, she thought.  I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Sorry that this happened to you, and sorry I couldn't help.  But by God, she'd help now. Joan would do anything for her family.  And that's exactly what made this so hard.  She trusted Kim, they all trusted Kim. He was a part of their family.  But he betrayed them.  With anger dissipating, guilt began filling that void. " God Almighty, " she sighed.  Silence fell, and its weight was unbearable.  Joan stood awkwardly before Alex, staring at the floor, hands balled into fists, thoughts racing faster than the speed of light.  She had heard what she wanted... and now it was time to take action.  Kim had to pay for this, Joan would make sure of it. He'd get his one way or another.  But, she reminded herself, Alex needed attention first.  She looked absolutely d r e a d f u l, poor thing.

   Though the longer Joan looked at sweet Alex, the more she agreed that this illness wasn't as mundane as the flu.  No, something much more sinister... or perhaps the opposite, in a strange way.  Joan remembered hearing a story once about this woman who had been abused by her husband.  She tried to keep it a secret for a long time, but one day she collapsed and was taken to a hospital.  For a time the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong.  But eventually the truth came out and something clicked.  Turned out her symptoms were a physical manifestation of the mental trauma she suffered.  Joan knew Alex had been physically abused as well, but her symptoms did not seem like a result of those incidents.  She wondered if this was her body's way of saying, ' I need help ! ' like the girl from that story.  She suddenly felt even more guilty for ignoring the situation with all the signs in the world begging for her attention.

   Joan followed Alex like a guardian angel.  She had to help, protect.  Never again would she allow something like this happen to her.  But as she stepped outside the trailer, she could literally feel the tension radiating from the other girls, and prayed silently that Alex would ignore them and just move on.  But, as she feared, things would not go as she hoped.  The girls glanced between each other, exchanging worried looks and whispering as they took in Alex's disheveled and sickly  appearance.  And Lita, as fiery and thoughtless as ever, opened that damn mouth of hers.  She shouldn't have been surprised when Lita accused Alex of faking her illness for attention.  It was totally in her nature to say something stupid without knowing a damn thing about what she was talking about.  

   However it was Alex's response that truly surprised the black-haired guitarist.  Joan jolted and let out a squeak as Lita collided with the trailer.  She was stunned by the pure rage that overtook her friend.  Seeing the band manager act like that was like seeing a dog speak fluent German whilst reading a newspaper and smoking a cigar.  Nobody seemed to know what to do.  They all froze as Alex c h o k e d and s c r e a m e d at Lita.  But as things slowed for a moment, as Alex paused with her fist raised in the air, Joan sprung into action.  She grabbed her arm to prevent Alex from assaulting Lita.  Cherie joined Joan in an attempt to calm the situation.  Both Cherie and Joan tried to coax the two girls apart.  When they had put some space between them, Sandy and Jackie moved in to fill up that space.  They'd make it harder for either Lita or Alex to make contact again.       

   Lita didn't like to be manhandled, especially when that resulted in her being humiliated.  Did Alex think she was just going to take that... from HER ?!  With some foot room and the bitch's hand off her throat and far away from connecting with her face, Lita's courage returned.  " Actually, yeah, I do have somethin' else to say, bitch. "  She briefly paused to find just the right words.  Lita smiled nastily.  " Fuck.  You.  You attention seeking w h o r e. "

   Perhaps Joan should have let Lita take that punch after all.

The sudden change in Joan’s attitude today shocked Alex, but also had awaken her aggressivity as she remembered that all the girls were way too absorbed in the music to even notice all the hell that she had been put through. And it wasn’t just Kim’s fault as he is just a new problem to deal with. But other events in the manager’s assistant life  brought great pain that nearly destroyed her or drive her to complete madness. The girls never seemed to bother about the troubles of another unless they were too chicken to get themselves involved. (As much as I want Joan’s help, I still don’t get why she’s suddenly acting this way. Have the girls been talking behind my back?) - many questions  were going through Alex’s head as she wanted everything to stop for once and continue to live a normal life through music.

With a quick move using her left hand, she got Joan’s hands off of her arms and put some distance between them. Her movements looked like some kind of learned martial arts move since it was too fast for a normal person to avoid and Alex had never revealed that side of her before. Altough, this reaction from her caused her body to be unable to follow as she was breathing hard from exhaustion already and managed to keep standing despite her shaking legs. “If you’re  so desperate to know Joanie, THEN WHY ARE YOU MAKING A MOVE JUST NOW? WHY COULDN’T YOU OR THE GIRLS HAVE DONE SOMETHING EARLIER, HUH?” Alex yelled out of her lungs and tried to catch her breath while staring at her friend with narrowed eyes. A moment of silence in Kim’s trailer had passed before either Joan or Alex would say anything and then, the manager’s assistant of the Runaways lifted up her sleeves and her shirt as well to show all of the physical wounds inflicted on her by Fowley. Scars, burns and even cuts that pierced deep into her flesh, leaving a few dried stains of blood. Alex’s body was damaged and infected by a sickness that looked like the flu, but it was something else. And today’s work with the band left her completely tired as if it was impossible for her body to recover anymore. She sat down on the red sofa, layed back her head with her eyes and breathed hard again while her heartbeat was racing, her antibodies were working hard to kill the sickness and that made her body temperature to heat up, causing a fever. Alex kept getting worse by the minute and then she heard voices coming from outside. Cherie, Sandy, Lita and Jackie were still out there, waiting for Joan apparently, but she couldn’t understand what they were saying.

“Why’s it taking so long? I sure hope Joan has finally talked some sense into Alex.” Growled Lita with impatience, her arms folded while waiting with the others. “Seriously Lita? Aren’t you even in the least worried about Alex?” Cherie replied, discontent of her friend’s remark. Lita then pouted and refused to continue on the discussion, instead she decided to keep on waiting.

   She fucking didn’t ! — That just about did it.  Joan very nearly lost her temper at the warring brush-off, though once again managed to restrain herself from expressing it to the f u l l e s t.  Joan hated rejection, no matter the circumstances.  She backed off, hands up submissively, a glare twisting her features, and chest heaving as she fought to control her temper.  She muttered a curse or two under her breath, but said nothing else.  Pride made any sort of rejection feel like a searing knife being plunged into her being.  Joan’s mind was racing for her next move.  She knew the girls outside were counting on her to convince Alex to let them help her, to get their friend back.  They needed her, and she obviously needed them too.  

   Emotion took over.  “ You of all fucking people should understand why it took us so fucking long to see !  Kim is a part of our family, Goddamn you !  He’s like a father to us, he brought this family together !  I didn’t want to believe he was responsible for what I only thought I was seeing.  For fuck’s sake, why didn’t you say anything, huh ?  Why did you wait for us to come to you about this then have the audacity to bitch about it ?!  We could — we would have helped you so much earlier !  Why didn’t you say a fucking thing ?  You know we would’ve helped you.  You know it... ” Joan was nearly in tears at this point, though out of what she couldn’t determine.  Anger, guilt, and sympathy were eating away at the dark-haired rock star and it was starting to spill out all at once.  

   Silence hit the trailer and the world froze.

   Joan’s hands shot to cover her mouth to keep her from gasping, or worse screaming.  She could hardly express every twinge of shock and pain she felt as she looked upon the physical marks Kim left behind.  He... he did that to you ?  Her brows furrowed, tears lining her eyes, her hands trembling in front of her mouth to mask shaky breaths.  She didn’t want to see that.  She didn’t.  Joan watched in horror as Alex sat down on the couch.  “ You need a doctor, ” she whispered.  “ Alex, you need a doctor. ”  Her voice was louder this time.  “ D’ya hear me ?  You’re sick.  We’ll make sure that motherfucker pays for it.  He can’t get away with this. ”  Her softer side returned, pushing anger to the back seat for now.  “ Please, you’ve gotta see someone about that shit.  You can report it then.  It’s proof, innit ? ”  

Long had the suffering been endured by the tall, but fragile body of Alexandra after a couple of months under Kim Fowley’s wing to manage The Runaways. She loved her job as music meant everything to her just as much as cinema did which was another strong passion of hers. But the young lady had kept many secrets from her friends, so little was known about her. And yet, she still became close to all of the girls and precisely, Joan Jett since they shared so much in common. Tough at first, it seemed like Kim was just this…strange, but cool person to ever cross path with. That would be until he showed his true colors to poor Alex, who was only like a piece of meat to “Fuck around with” and he’d do so only behind the scenes, when everyone else wasn’t there. The manager would sneak in when his assistant was busy with the management of the band and simply do horrible things whitout the girl’s consent. And his most recent abuse on Alex had taken its final toll on her. While she was the only one left in the recording studio, scrolling her eyes through sheets of paper filled with song lyrics that some of the girls had written, Kim came in and whitout hesitation, he violently raped the helpless girl who had no one to protect her from his attacks. Since then, Alex was never in good shape during the next practices with the Runaways and many explicit signs showed that her condition was not getting any better. But unfortunatly, nobody had yet noticed all the suffering she had gone through. Still, the poor band manager assistant was too scared to reveal the horrible truth to any of the girls and thought that it might distract them too much from what’s really important. So she’d often dress herself in ways that would hide the physical wounds that had been inflicted on her body. But the hardest to hide, was the emotional pain that she had been put through. Alex had little to no patience anymore and often reacted to what Lita or one of the other girls would say as if it was the stupidest thing to say ever. But she never meant to hurt any of them and yet, Lita began to feel anger towards her and shoot cold stares at her whenever they’d meet for another practice. Then on a particular day off for the Runaways, after a big and intense practice for an upcoming concert away from Los Angeles, Alexandra had been surprised by Joan who pulled her to the side. (She knows? Then why tell me this now?) That was what the manager’s assistant was thinking since everything was at stake for the concert and she didn’t want any of her friends to lose their focus at all. “Joan…you know the concert is only just a few days away, right? I will not allow any of you to lose your concentration during your performance because you’d be too worried about me!” She said with a hoarse voice that indicated she had caught a very bad cough recently. Alex then coughed in her elbow to clear her voice and tried to move away from Joan, only to feel dizzy and lose her balance.

   She was visibly taken aback by the statement, looking downright perplexed. What ? As Alex swayed from her, Joan subconsciously reached out and grabbed a hold of her arm to help steady her and keep her close. Her hand still gripping  Alex’s, Joan heard her inner voice again. No ! — it screamed. That’s ridiculous, she thought angrily. She wasn’t about to choose a concert over her friend. “ Don’t you understand ? “ she practically growled, ignoring the fact that it surely sounded too aggressive. But at this point, she didn’t care. “ A concert’s a concert. You are a p e r s o n; my friend. We’ve failed you already for so long… and I can’t stand it anymore. What would you do in my place should I be in yours ? Would you truthfully allow Kim to continue with his dark deeds and choose a concert over a friend in need ? Think about that for a sec’, Alex. “ Joan was angry, but hid it as best she could. How could Alex push her away ? Was the concert just an excuse, or did she honestly believe that the band was more important that she was ?  

   Joan relished and thrived in music. She loved everything about it. Creating it, listening to it, watching it bring people together. But she loved something even more. The Runaways were more than a band, they were a family. A family that included Alex and that bastard Kim. And as much as she’d like to pretend he wasn’t a member now, he still figured into the family. He brought them all together, for God’s sake. A sigh. Joan would do anything for her family, even at the expense of her music. Nothing could permanently tear Joan from her guitar, but that didn’t mean the world would end should she take her eyes from it for a moment. Proposing the idea that the girls wouldn’t be able to focus on the concert if they prioritized Alex was insanity, and Joan was determined to make sure Alex knew it, too.

   “ Something has to be done about this, and I’m not plannin’ on letting anything interfere with that. You’re not well, that much is CRYSTAL CLEAR. “ Joan grabbed both of Alex’s arms, staring intensely into her eyes. “ You’re hurting deeply; I can see that now ! I want to help you and be there for you. Fuck the concert, man. We’ll do fine as always. But family comes first. “  

   Music was an escape. It was indescribable at times; erotic and blinding at others. Joan oft struggled to balance her “regular life” with this drug. Her guitar felt like more than just a guitar. It was an extension of herself. She poured her soul into the instrument, sacrificing herself to it. Everything she was, everything she felt and loved, was in music. Her pain, her love, her deepest desires all became hits gobbled up by fans. Her world was in music. But with such intense focus, such an addiction of sorts, to her music came a price she didn’t always know she was paying. There were things happening before her very eyes that she did not — no, could not see until the d a m a g e had been done.

   Oh, Alex, sweet Alex, she thought one lonesome night. How long ? Joan felt guilty for not seeing the signs sooner. Maybe, just maybe she could have done something about it if she had seen, something to help the person she called friend. But how could she call their relationship a friendship anymore ? Joan hadn’t been there for her friend; no, she was blinded by her addiction to the fast paced life music brought her, and blinded by the very person responsible for the pain inflicted on dear Alex. How could she apologise for abandoning her friend, leaving her with a monster, ignoring the signs that did little to hide ? But that’s the question, isn’t it ? Could she ever apologise ? Did Joan deserve forgiveness after allowing this horror to continue for so long behind the doors that only needed the smallest push to open ?

  A deep exhale escaped her rosy lips. Joan needed to make things right. ( This can’t continue any longer, no matter the cost ! ) It’s a horrifying situation that she can’t stand to see Alex in. Though she did not know the full extent of Kim’s abuse, she did know action was needed. Could she be her savior ? Did Alex truly need one ?  What if Alex didn’t want her help ? It was a dreadful, painful, thought that slipped in without warning. What if ?— No ! She could not take that as an answer, Goddamn it. She wasn’t there before, but she sure as hell was going to be there for her now. Kim had to suffer for this.  

  One typical day off for the girls, Joan waited for the band to break from practice before pulling their band manager assistant to the side. Joan acted noticeably different than usual, knowing the subject that she was about to bring up.

  “ Alex, ” she started, “ I have to talk to you about something. I know. ” Her voice was serious, but calm. She didn’t want to frighten or anger Alex, as she knew not everyone would take the hand of a friend offering help. “ I want to help. “ Was that too forward? she immediately thought.