She dreamed of a paradise...

 “ No, don’t do that.  You don’t need to apologize, ” she said quietly, suddenly feeling ashamed for letting her temper get the better of her. “ You don’t got nothing to apologize for… ” But I do. It’s me that should be apologizing, again and again and again, she thought.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Sorry that this happened to you, and sorry I couldn’t help.  But by God, she’d help now. Joan would do anything for her family.  And that’s exactly what made this so hard.  She trusted Kim, they all trusted Kim. He was a part of their family.  But he betrayed them.  With anger dissipating, guilt began filling that void. “ God Almighty, ” she sighed.  Silence fell, and its weight was unbearable.  Joan stood awkwardly before Alex, staring at the floor, hands balled into fists, thoughts racing faster than the speed of light.  She had heard what she wanted… and now it was time to take action.  Kim had to pay for this, Joan would make sure of it. He’d get his one way or another.  But, she reminded herself, Alex needed attention first.  She looked absolutely d r e a d f u l, poor thing.

  Though the longer Joan looked at sweet Alex, the more she agreed that this illness wasn’t as mundane as the flu.  No, something much more sinister… or perhaps the opposite, in a strange way.  Joan remembered hearing a story once about this woman who had been abused by her husband.  She tried to keep it a secret for a long time, but one day she collapsed and was taken to a hospital.  For a time the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong.  But eventually the truth came out and something clicked.  Turned out her symptoms were a physical manifestation of the mental trauma she suffered.  Joan knew Alex had been physically abused as well, but her symptoms did not seem like a result of those incidents.  She wondered if this was her body’s way of saying, ’ I need help ! ’ like the girl from that story.  She suddenly felt even more guilty for ignoring the situation with all the signs in the world begging for her attention.

  Joan followed Alex like a guardian angel.  She had to help, protect.  Never again would she allow something like this happen to her.  But as she stepped outside the trailer, she could literallyfeel the tension radiating from the other girls, and prayed silently that Alex would ignore them and just move on.  But, as she feared, things would not go as she hoped.  The girls glanced between each other, exchanging worried looks and whispering as they took in Alex’s disheveled and sickly  appearance.  And Lita, as fiery and thoughtless as ever, opened that damn mouth of hers.  She shouldn’t have been surprised when Lita accused Alex of faking her illness for attention.  It was totally in her nature to say something stupid without knowing a damn thing about what she was talking about.  

  However it was Alex’s response that truly surprised the black-haired guitarist.  Joan jolted and let out a squeak as Lita collided with the trailer.  She was stunned by the pure rage that overtook her friend.  Seeing the band manager act like that was like seeing a dog speak fluent German whilst reading a newspaper and smoking a cigar.  Nobody seemed to know what to do.  They all froze as Alex c h o k e d and s c r e a m e d at Lita.  But as things slowed for a moment, as Alex paused with her fist raised in the air, Joan sprung into action.  She grabbed her arm to prevent Alex from assaulting Lita.  Cherie joined Joan in an attempt to calm the situation.  Both Cherie and Joan tried to coax the two girls apart.  When they had put some space between them, Sandy and Jackie moved in to fill up that space.  They’d make it harder for either Lita or Alex to make contact again.      

  Lita didn’t like to be manhandled, especially when that resulted in her being humiliated.  Did Alex think she was just going to take that… from HER ?!  With some foot room and the bitch’s hand off her throat and far away from connecting with her face, Lita’s courage returned.  “ Actually, yeah, I do have somethin’ else to say, bitch. ”  She briefly paused to find just the right words.  Lita smiled nastily.  “ Fuck.  You.  You attention seeking w h o r e. ”

  Perhaps Joan should have let Lita take that punch after all.

As usual, Lita never learns even at the brink of danger. Alex wondered what would make her wake up in that thick head of hers. And being called a bitch or a whore was even worse, so she wanted to break free from Joan holding her arm. But at the moment she wanted to react, her body couldn't take anymore. Her heart had a strong irregular beat or a spasm that made the assistant band manager lose her breath for a brief second. And she coughed, breathing deeply. Then Alex felt some kind of contractions in her stomach that were completely out of her control. ''I feel so sluggish right now...'' Thought Alex before she threw up on the ground due to the contractions in her stomach. ''Jesus...'' Said Lita with disdain as it felt like the scorching weather made the vomit smell even worse. Cherie, Jackie and Sandy all looked at Alex with disdain too, but knew it wasn't her fault. Sandy then held the manager's long hair back into a ponytail and gently rubbed her back too.

''Is that proof enough to you now, Lita? '' Jackie asked, but the red head simply replied with a pout. ''Smells like shit, man.'' Alex's face was red like a tomato, with tears in her eyes and all that high pressure in her body made her feel like her head would explode like a balloon. ''Just try to be in my shoes for a minute...I feel like death, man.'' Said Alex under breath, wipping her mouth with her left sleeve after she was done throwing up.

''Well your temperature is hot, dude. You need to cool down and get some rest too.'' Sandy had taken her friend's body temperature by placing her hand on the manager's forehead. But just as she said that, Alex stood straight, looked at Cherie, Joan, Jackie and Lita while breathing hard. She tried hard to maintain her balance, but her legs then began to feel wobbly and she took a stepped as she nearly collapsed. ''Alex?'' Questioned Cherie, worried. And the worst happened just as she spoke up. Alex slipped from Sandy's hands and her back touched the ground. She had exceeded her limits with all these sudden burts of emotions she had and her body had lost all strength and energy it had left. The dark haired girl stared at the sky, twitching her limbs, trying to get back up but couldn't. ''Can't...move...'' She said with a small voice and Sandy, Cherie and Jackie all kneeled down to her side in panic.

She fucking didn’t ! — That just about did it.  Joan very nearly lost her temper at the warring brush-off, though once again managed to restrain herself from expressing it to the f u l l e s t.  Joan hatedrejection, no matter the circumstances.  She backed off, hands up submissively, a glare twisting her features, and chest heaving as she fought to control her temper.  She muttered a curse or two under her breath, but said nothing else.  Pride made any sort of rejection feel like a searing knife being plunged into her being.  Joan’s mind was racing for her next move.  She knew the girls outside were counting on her to convince Alex to let them help her, to get their friend back.  They needed her, and she obviously needed them too.  

  Emotion took over.  “ You of all fucking people should understand why it took us so fucking long to see !  Kim is a part of our family, Goddamn you !  He’s like a father to us, he brought this family together !  I didn’t want to believe he was responsible for what I only thought I was seeing.  For fuck’s sake, why didn’t you say anything, huh ?  Why did you wait for us to come to you about this then have the audacity to bitch about it ?!  We could — we would have helped you so much earlier ! Why didn’t you say a fucking thing ?  You know we would’ve helped you.  You know it… ” Joan was nearly in tears at this point, though out of what she couldn’t determine.  Anger, guilt, and sympathy were eating away at the dark-haired rock star and it was starting to spill out all at once.  

  Silence hit the trailer and the world froze.

  Joan’s hands shot to cover her mouth to keep her from gasping, or worse screaming.  She could hardly express every twinge of shock and pain she felt as she looked upon the physical marks Kim left behind.  He… he did that to you ?  Her brows furrowed, tears lining her eyes, her hands trembling in front of her mouth to mask shaky breaths.  She didn’t want to see that.  She didn’t.  Joan watched in horror as Alex sat down on the couch.  “ You need a doctor, ” she whispered.  “ Alex, you need a doctor. ”  Her voice was louder this time.  “ D’ya hear me ?  You’re sick.  We’ll make sure that motherfucker pays for it.  He can’t get away with this. ”  Her softer side returned, pushing anger to the back seat for now.  “ Please, you’ve gotta see someone about that shit.  You can report it then.  It’s proof, innit ? ”  

  Outside the four girls listened to the exchange of voices in the trailed intently, one of them particularly impatient.  Lita couldn’t make out what all was said, but she sure as hell was tired ofwaiting and doing nothing, something of which she expressed in a very Lita way.  Though Cherie’s retort zipped the guitarist’s lips for a moment, Lita was never one to shy away from a confrontation as anyone who knew her could attest to.  “ All right, you know what ? ” she finally shot back at Cherie,“ Sure, I’m worried, but that doesn’t mean I want to stand here forever.  Standin’, waitin’, doin’ nothin’.  This isn’t what I had in mind for tonight, ya hear ?  'Sides I’m sure it’s not as bad as Joanie thinks.  She exaggerates the sitch all the time. ”  Jackie huffed, exchanged looks with Sandy beside her, and crossed her arms over her chest.  She had nothing to contribute to the conversation herself, but she internally sided with Cherie.  Lita was being insensitive as usual.  

Seeing how the thoughest of the Runaways reacted to her physical wounds inflicted by Kim, the dark haired manager felt horrible for keeping everything about this a secret to her band mates. She let go of her shirt which covered her scratches and cuts, and sat back down on the couch with her eyes closed. She listened to Joan even if it didn't look like it and could feel all of her rage simply for keeping it all quiet. And she was right to the end, but Alexandra's always been stubborn and thick headed. To her, mixing personal life with work was a no, no and exposes the person's weaknesses to its coworkers. But when your coworkers are your friends and family, acting and thinking that way would be like betraying their trust. All of those thoughts were running through the girl's head as well as the physical and mental pain she was suffering from which all created a ball of emotions in her chest that could be extremely dangerous if she exploded and came near to be physically violent towards Joan after confronting her just moments ago. Tears rolled down Alex's cheeks as she looked her best friend straight in the eye and responded. " You're right. I should have spoken about all that...but it's not that easy tough. My bruised body is proof enough, but still...as much as i'd want to make him pay, i'm also scared as heck. What if it all backfires anyways? I know i'm thinking too much about this, but there's so much going on in my head. I'm sorry man... and I shouldn't have lashed out on you, either. But I just panicked for a moment."

When silence came into the trailer, Alex could hear the girls talking outside and overheard Lita being insensitive as usual. Normally, the assistant band manager would not be surprised by that and just ignore it. But considering the situation and the current state she's in, those words felt like a sharp knife piercing through the girl's wounded heart deep, unless her mind was playing tricks on her since her illness was getting worse each second. So perhaps, she was just a bit paranoid. She could feel her every cells fighting hard to chase off what's making her ill. Tough, a fever had just begun and her temperature was higher than usual, leaving stains of sweat on her shirt. (Just what is this illness i've got?) Alex thought it was the flu, but it seemed worse than that. "A doctor...yeah. 'Cause I thought I had the flu, but man...I haven't been that sick in so long! Feels like it could knock me out cold. Damn! I- I need to get some fresh air.. It's hot like an oven in here!"

She had about reached her limit for the day and decided to get out to feel better, so she opened the trailer's door which interrupted the argument between Cherie and Lita. The girls held their breaths for a moment while looking at Alex going down the steps. Sandy noticed then that her friend looked worse than earlier and whispered to Jackie. "Man, she pale like a bed sheet! 'That really the flu she got?" And Jackie responded with a shrug, she had no idea how to deal with all this. But she was worried and so were the rest. And then Lita took a step forward, decided to confront Alex once and for all. "Well now, you awake or should I beat some sense into you some more? 'Cause i'm done wastin' my time for you! And you're lucky that Joan's being soft on ya 'cause there's no way i'd stand for this bullshit!" That confrontation was taking things too far and Cherie refused to let it slide. "Lita, enough! You're making it worse rather than helping! Just give the girl a break, will you?" But unfortunatly, the lead guitarist didn't care a bit this time and carried on which would be a terrible mistake on her part. "Is this whole thing fo' real or did you make that up just to make us pity you?"

The next second after Lita spoke that last line, Alex stopped herself completely and right about now, she wasn't the same Alexandra McCoy who used to be calm and easy to control her emotions to avoid conflicts. "What'd you say? That i'm a lier?" She didn't wait for an answer that in an instant, she quickly grabbed Lita by the collar and pushed her against the trailer. A loud metal bang was produced when her back hit the trailer which caught her by complete surprise. "The fuck's wrong with you, Alex?! Lemme go!" The band manager tightened the grip on the collar which nearly began to choke the life out of the red haired rocker and she struggled to break free. Cherie, Sandy and Jackie all stared in shock, terrified by the sudden violent outburst of rage from their friend. They just stood there, wondering what to do. "You got something else to say, bitch? Huh?! JUST TRY IT! I've about enough of that damn attitude of yours!" Alex yelled in a tone that scared the guitarist to death as she kept trying to catch her breath, but remained unsuccessful. Then, the ill girl finally let go of Lita and raised her fist, about to punch her in the face. "Relax man! I- I was kidding! I'm sorry, okay?" Said Lita with a trembling voice which didn't seem to reach her angered friend at all. The red head gasped, swallowed and closed her eyes, ready to take the punch.

She was visibly taken aback by the statement, looking downright perplexed. What ? As Alex swayed from her, Joan subconsciously reached out and grabbed a hold of her arm to help steady her and keep her close. Her hand still gripping  Alex’s, Joan heard her inner voice again. No ! — it screamed. That’s ridiculous, she thought angrily. She wasn’t about to choose a concert over her friend. “ Don’t you understand ? “ she practically growled, ignoring the fact that it surely sounded too aggressive. But at this point, she didn’t care. “ A concert’s a concert. You are a p e r s o n; my friend. We’ve failed you already for so long… and I can’t stand it anymore. What would you do in my place should I be in yours ? Would you truthfully allow Kim to continue with his dark deeds and choose a concert over a friend in need ? Think about that for a sec’, Alex. “ Joan was angry, but hid it as best she could. How could Alex push her away ? Was the concert just an excuse, or did she honestly believe that the band was more important that she was ?  

  Joan relished and thrived in music. She loved everything about it. Creating it, listening to it, watching it bring people together. But she loved something even more. The Runaways were more than a band, they were a family. A family that included Alex and that bastard Kim. And as much as she’d like to pretend he wasn’t a member now, he still figured into the family. He brought them all together, for God’s sake. A sigh. Joan would do anything for her family, even at the expense of her music. Nothing could permanently tear Joan from her guitar, but that didn’t mean the world would end should she take her eyes from it for a moment. Proposing the idea that the girls wouldn’t be able to focus on the concert if they prioritized Alex was insanity, and Joan was determined to make sure Alex knew it, too.

  “ Something has to be done about this, and I’m not plannin’ on letting anything interfere with that. You’re not well, that much is CRYSTAL CLEAR. “ Joan grabbed both of Alex’s arms, staring intensely into her eyes. “ You’re hurting deeply; I can see that now ! I want to help you and be there for you. Fuck the concert, man. We’ll do fine as always. But family comes first. “  

The sudden change in Joan's attitude today shocked Alex, but also had awaken her aggressivity as she remembered that all the girls were way too absorbed in the music to even notice all the hell that she had been put through. And it wasn't just Kim's fault as he is just a new problem to deal with. But other events in the manager's assistant life  brought great pain that nearly destroyed her or drive her to complete madness. The girls never seemed to bother about the troubles of another unless they were too chicken to get themselves involved. (As much as I want Joan's help, I still don't get why she's suddenly acting this way. Have the girls been talking behind my back?) - many questions  were going through Alex's head as she wanted everything to stop for once and continue to live a normal life through music.

With a quick move using her left hand, she got Joan's hands off of her arms and put some distance between them. Her movements looked like some kind of learned martial arts move since it was too fast for a normal person to avoid and Alex had never revealed that side of her before. Altough, this reaction from her caused her body to be unable to follow as she was breathing hard from exhaustion already and managed to keep standing despite her shaking legs. "If you're  so desperate to know Joanie, THEN WHY ARE YOU MAKING A MOVE JUST NOW? WHY COULDN'T YOU OR THE GIRLS HAVE DONE SOMETHING EARLIER, HUH?" Alex yelled out of her lungs and tried to catch her breath while staring at her friend with narrowed eyes. A moment of silence in Kim's trailer had passed before either Joan or Alex would say anything and then, the manager's assistant of the Runaways lifted up her sleeves and her shirt as well to show all of the physical wounds inflicted on her by Fowley. Scars, burns and even cuts that pierced deep into her flesh, leaving a few dried stains of blood. Alex's body was damaged and infected by a sickness that looked like the flu, but it was something else. And today's work with the band left her completely tired as if it was impossible for her body to recover anymore. She sat down on the red sofa, layed back her head with her eyes and breathed hard again while her heartbeat was racing, her antibodies were working hard to kill the sickness and that made her body temperature to heat up, causing a fever. Alex kept getting worse by the minute and then she heard voices coming from outside. Cherie, Sandy, Lita and Jackie were still out there, waiting for Joan apparently, but she couldn't understand what they were saying.