Well slap my knees and call me a Wally

Robert’s neuroscience unit was harder than he had expected. No- university was harder than Robert had expected. High school was a breeze compared to the bucket-loads of work he had to do every day. Well, the work itself wasn’t all that difficult. Maybe even fun at times. But the distractions were almost constant and it was a struggle to get all of his work done when it seemed that he was almost always busy. His friends wanted to be with him, there was an interesting debate he wanted to watch, there was a leak in the sink in his dorm room, or he was needed at his job at the library. Every moment was constant chaos and while it was kinda fun, the unpredictability of it all made it difficult to manage. This was his first time living away from home and he had underestimated the amount of things he had to juggle at once.

Maybe this was why he had chosen only morning classes, to give him more time in the afternoon to get things done. Or maybe it was what his mother had said, that he would be one of the only people in the class so he could learn more with fewer people. Maybe it was the concept of a better work-life balance. Maybe it was the (probably false) vision of a perfect, constantly productive new person who got amazing grades. Maybe it was the studies that showed that people retain more information in the morning. Well, studies can go to hell. All of the problems that Robert had, never seeming to have enough time, struggling to complete his work, etc, all seemed to worsen when he signed up for classes at the ungodly hour of 8:00 in the morning. But here he was, groggily making his way across campus to make it into class on time. He had stayed up late to do his work last night and was now paying for the late night. Some students stayed up late partying or going to clubs, only Robert would spend a perfectly good night doing homework he could have done the previous day. If he had, he totally could have spent the night partying! Well, maybe not. He wasn’t a very social person and would probably spend his oh-so-valuable party time sitting in the corner wishing he was back at his dorm doing work. His procrastinating wasn’t helping him either way. He made his way to his usual chair and sat down, just as the lecture was starting.

His professor started talking in that boring, droning voice of his. Why was it that teachers always had the most calming voices? The morning rays of sun were just starting to shine through the windows and his desk was so warm. Robert could see one of the students in the front of the class playing Block Blast on his phone. Another was playing Xs and Os by herself on a piece of scrap paper. At least they were awake. He could feel his attention slipping. He had absolutely no idea what the professor was saying, it would be so much easier if he could just study it later. Surely nobody would care if he closed his eyes for just a few minutes. With a yawn, he lay his head on his desk for a quick power nap.

The next thing he knew, Robert was being shaken awake by a classmate.

“Class is over Robert,” she insisted. “You need to leave now. The next class is starting” Robert looked up to see an unfamiliar professor giving him a death stare while setting up. How embarrassing. He hadn’t meant to sleep through the whole class. He hoped he hadn’t missed anything important. This was getting ridiculous. He was tired every morning, too busy every evening, and was downright unhappy most of the time. Something had to be done- and soon.

He hauled himself back to his dorm room where his roommate Tim was doing some sort of work on a laptop. Stupid perfect Tim. Tim got up at 5:00 every morning to go for a run to ‘clear his mind’ whatever that meant. Robert had grown used to his stupidly early alarms and blamed Tim for being numb to his own alarm. He was a health nut in every sense of the term. He always seemed to have energy and he was constantly either exercising at the bougiest gym that was open, playing sports, crocheting for some reason, or preaching to other people about why they should be exercising or playing sports. He wouldn’t even allow Robert to even have chips or crisps in the dorm room without yapping for at least an hour about “caloric intake” and “sodium content”. Yet another reason why Robert chose morning classes. He couldn’t stand seeing his half-pitiful-half-disgusted look when he slept in in the morning, like Tim was just sooo much better than him. Well, Tim always left expired food in the fridge that Robert had to clean out, so who’s so healthy now, huh?

Robert collapsed onto his bed with a groan. He couldn’t go on like this. If he kept falling asleep in class he would flunk out of university. His parents would hate him, he wouldn’t be able to get a job, he would be homeless and DIE. He had to find a way to stay awake. He had heard of various drugs that would give him a boost of energy, but if he thought Tim disliked his routine now, he could scarcely imagine how disapproving he would be if Robert started snorting cocaine. No, drugs were a bad idea. He could try energy drinks- maybe the boost of caffeine and sugar would help. But energy drinks were disgusting and besides he was allergic to polysorbates.

Tim noticed his sullen, lifeless form. “Are you ok?” Robert was too tired to respond.

“Lee En told me you fell asleep in class again,” Tim grinned obnoxiously.

Robert said nothing. This time more out of embarrassment than exhaustion.

“Why don’t you just drink coffee or something? I know you’re smart but if you keep falling asleep in class you’ll get kicked out,”

Robert sighed into his pillow. As much as he hated to admit it, Tim was right. At this point he couldn’t afford to be expelled. Even if he was discreet with his napping he would still miss the unit on neuroplasticity and then where would he be? The trouble is, he really didn’t like coffee. It was bitter and it hurt his stomach. His pulse would go up and he would be anxious and unable to sleep for days… but maybe that was what he needed. He could sleep when he was dead. Now was the opportunity to learn.

Luckily there was a cafe near the university. Every morning Robert would make a quick pit stop at it to buy a coffee. Super easy! Sure, the beverage was a bit more expensive than he anticipated and he was anxious and jittery, but he would be much more refreshed before class and was able to actually concentrate while listening to his professor’s monotonous voice. Gone were the days where he would embarrass himself by falling asleep in class, or screwing up an assignment because he couldn’t pay attention. The side effects were just minor inconveniences. It would be fine.

Until it wasn’t. Robert was already in piles of debt and with all of the anxiety from the caffeine, thinking about the ridiculous prices of the cafe burning a hole in his wallet certainly didn’t aid his worries. At this rate he was agonizing over just buying groceries. If he kept it up like this he feared he would have to go on the dreaded university meal plan. If he had trouble sleeping and getting to class on time before, there was absolutely no way he would be eating at 6 am and 9 pm every day. Again, Robert considered his options. He couldn’t just stop drinking coffee, it was too helpful. But if he kept going to the cafe near the university, he might graduate, but it would take decades to pay off his debts. That’s when he had an epiphany. He could just buy a coffee machine! Of course. It would be so much easier and cheaper. He could just turn on the machine and by the time he was dressed, Bob’s your uncle, a fresh cup of coffee.

And so, Robert started his journey to find an appropriate coffee machine. The kitchenette in he and Tim’s dorm was tiny. It scarcely fit the small fridge and microwave and the stovetop only had one burner on it. For some reason Tim decided it was his duty to take up the rest of the remaining counter space with his weird protein powder drinks. Whenever Robert wanted to cook he would just work on the itty bitty table, which was frequently covered in homework and various papers and textbooks. This meant that Robert would have to find a coffee machine that: a) fit in a small space, b) made decent coffee, and c) could fit in the budget of a severely in debt university student. After scouring Gumtree and not finding anything to fit his selective criteria, of course the only place left to look was Facebook Marketplace. None of his friends even had Facebook. He only got it because his mum wanted him to see the embarrassing photos she posted of him. He rarely used it, but here it was coming out of left field. Almost immediately he was able to find a barista from an out of business café opening a bid on a “gently used” ridiculously small coffee machine. It was only selling for $10 so Robert suspected there might be a bit more wrong with it. Still, a coffee machine was a coffee machine so a few days after his purchase Robert found himself meeting a young emo woman in a parking lot. Before handing him the contraption, she spent far too much time warning him about the age of it. There was indeed more to it than “gently used”. It was fine, he was sure. When it stopped working he would just get a new one, but he could cross that bridge when he got there.

After arguing with Tim to move his stuff to the cabinets (that’s what they’re there for, it’s just as “convenient” for god’s sake), he plugged the machine into an outlet on the counter. A disgusting gasoline type smell came from in as it whirred to life, but at least it seemed to work. Even Tim approved of his purchase and used it to make his antibiotic tea, which he previously made in the microwave and made the whole dorm smell like old mouldy lemons.

It was a dozen times easier than buying coffee. No more cruel baristas or waiters who somehow spelt his name wrong. His life was now blissfully devoid of the wasted time it took to walk to the cafe. Most importantly, he no longer had to worry about spending ridiculous sums of money on coffee.

With his new contraption, Robert found himself drinking more coffee than ever. The magic had worn off though. He kept finding himself tired in the mornings and slowly nodding off during his lectures. The new spring heat didn’t help him stay awake either. The machine wasn’t doing too well either. One morning when Robert turned it on it started to smoke and he quickly doused it in water. He should have taken that as a sign to get a new one, but it still worked fine so he just ignored it. Last night he had slept particularly awfully. Exhausted, he got up to make himself a coffee. Tim was out for his morning run, so he gave himself a short pep talk in the mirror to wake himself up before it finished brewing. He could always go back to bed after class. Robert almost didn’t recognize himself when he looked in the mirror. He looked awful. There were huge purple bags under his eyes and he looked positively ill, almost green. Maybe he could miss just one day of class. Get a few more hours of sleep. He had been doing so well lately and he had finished his work. They wouldn’t miss him, wouldn’t even know he was gone. So he lay back down on his bed, ready to drift off to dreamland.

Robert awoke to the sound of sirens and the painfully bright blue sky. There was a rather severe pain in his chest and his head hurt. What was going on? Hadn’t he just gone to bed? Suddenly Tim’s face appeared above him.

“Robert, are you ok? What happened? I called an ambulance and the fire brigade, you need to go to the hospital”.

Robert couldn’t speak, he was too busy remembering how to breathe. His efforts were clearly in vain as he started hacking and coughing up some sort of disgusting black mucus. He was eventually helped onto a stretcher and into an ambulance.

An unknown person shoved a mask on his face and Robert was able to breathe easier and gather his thoughts. The person who gave him the mask told him he was caught in a fire and would be assessed for smoke inhalation and treated accordingly.

A fire? Somebody was stupid enough to light the dorm building on fire? The stoves didn’t even work half the time. Surely he didn’t cause one, he was always so careful. Did he? Robert retraced his steps. He had hardly woken up, he hadn’t… he couldn’t possibly have…That’s when it hit him like a bullet train. The coffee machine. He had turned the stupid piece of junk on and fallen asleep. Now he was in an ambulance, being told about all the blood tests, scans, and all sorts of tests he would have to go through. He was apparently stupid enough to light the dorm building on fire.

Robert spent the next few minutes reflecting. Why had he even kept the damn thing? He should have just trashed it when it started smoking. Or even when he first got it. Coffee machines shouldn’t smell like gasoline. What kind of an idiot buys a used coffee machine for $10? Him, apparently. He didn’t see any other ambulances and he hoped nobody else had decided to skip class and sleep in.

Soon his location was changed again. After a quick assessment by a specialist, Robert was told to wait in a hospital room. His condition was not severe but other scans and tests would still be required. Until then he would wait. Tim came to keep him company and gave him more information about what had happened. He had seen smoke coming out of the dorm building and after calling Robert’s phone a few times and realising he was inside, had called the fire brigade and ambulance, rushed in the building, and pulled him out of the inferno. It was determined that it was indeed the dastardly coffee machine that had lit on fire. The plug had sparked and everything around it had caught aflame. Robert had slept through the alarm, much as he did both his own and Tim’s. Most of the building was fine but he and Tim’s rooms were completely wrecked.

Robert’s stay in the hospital was short, yet inconvenient. Who would have thought that with just a couple nights away from university you would miss some of the most important lessons of the year? It had been a few months since the fire and Robert was still frantically trying to catch up with all the work he missed. He had forgotten to let his professors know about his missing class and was on the verge of failing the very class he had worked so hard to do well in. He still made time to see his friends, although less frequent than he would have liked, but he used that time to make sure he was getting a proper sleep and taking care of his health. The weekend was more than enough time to catch up with them.

University turned out to be much less hard when he actually got into a routine. Instead of scrambling to fit a million things into one day, he kept a calendar and mapped out when he would do what and what he had to get done by when. Staying awake in class became much easier when he went to bed sooner. Sometimes he would even wake up early and go for a run with Tim. Their new apartment was farther from the university so Robert made sure to take his time walking there and enjoy the quiet of the morning.

Even on the weekends he would try to have a schedule. Alternatively to throwing all the things he couldn’t do during the week into the weekend, he would take the time to relax and see his friends. The week was for working.

This particular Saturday, he somehow found himself at an all-too-familiar cafe with his friends. This time at a table as opposed to the counter. The waiter came to their table and his friends stopped talking. They looked at Robert expectantly. Robert hesitated before opening his mouth.