utile dulci

TWIN-SET SIMONA BARBIERI Sandals

Happy Sunday folks.

20 min run 20 min spin Core workout Pull-ups Push-ups Jump squats Heavy bag

We got our engagement photos back today—taken almost a year after actually getting engaged (hey @paddlebunny I think you might want to see these)—and its horrible how my current mentality makes it difficult to appreciate these photos. They are so very lovely, but the disordered part of my brain has broken them down into parts—that neck fat there, those lumps there, etc.

This is why I have to get better again. The fantastic relationship that I have with this man (6 months minus one day until we are married!) is threatened by good ol’ ED. That silly dangerous voice that tells me that I am not enough, that I am too much—too loud, too fat, too lazy—needs to be squashed again.

Just about a year ago, I left to the Dominican Republic to teach English and lead volunteers. I really found myself in the four months that I lived there. ED was firmly stomped down, I went off my depression meds for the first time in two years, and I lost weight without thinking about it because I was finally not trying. I was eating mindfully and listening to my body, sleeping fairly consistently, staying hydrated, and was fulfilled by my job.

Then I came home. And old habits came back. The weight, plus some came back. I was under some extra stress due to fun things like my fiance’s medical problems, debt, grad school, and the usual fun mid-twenties things, but I could no longer handle it as well as I had in the safe cocoon of the DR.

So, here I am now at the end of 2015, about the same as I was when I left 2014 (and the country). I am back at the Emily Program getting help for my ED, and I am constantly working to be okay. Yet, I now know what it is like to truly be healthy for myself, which is something I did not know a year ago. I have a realistic goal to strive for, so hey. Hello 2016, I look forward to you getting here (in a week).

May 25

The #BlackSoldiersKilledByCops hashtag honors black soldiers who sacrificed their lives abroad only to be killed by cops at home.

Walter Scott

Anthony Hill

Brenda Williams

Kenneth Chamberlain

Denis Reynoso

Stanley Gibson

Roman Ducksworth