hopelessness

N randomly showed up to my house yesterday..meaning he left treatment. Not really sure how to feel about the whole situation. I told him last night I dont know if I can live together anymore. He reacted not the best saying we had this whole plan and he's been working on getting better for us so the future will be better. But fuck I think I want my space back...

Methadone makes you the crabbiest person ever. For real your mood turns pretty darn quick after drinking that delicious pink syrup lol. At mcdonalds for the third time this week...an hour after saying lets go. I finally gets his ass in the car but instead of his slow ass just going inside to order also wants me to go through drive thru. So he offered my bitch ass .3 to do it but I'm saying .5 because fuck! I'm just being a bitch. But literally its been 10 mintes already since he went in. My gas light is on so my car is off and its a winter storm. I can hardly see where to drive! So obviously I saw n today. First time seeing him since he got in inpatient. He said he failed his drug test for almost everything except coke and it's only been like 4 days?! Worrisome.. He looked handsome af cause he hasn't been shaving his beard! Damn...anyways I was all smiles when I saw him. He also said the program is only 30 days or maybe even less. Because I mentioned I get my klon next Saturday so its the perfect combo day if the nurse doesn't notice today the capfuls I got out of it but I honestly don't think anyone will notice it seems like a janky ass treatment anyways...called my mom and told her baciaslly what I'm writing. So far pretty good day 😎 itch itch itchy! Damn

Dropped n's stuff to him yesterday for his first day in inpatient. I cried like a little baby all the way home and then a little more when I got home. This will be a long 30 days! Just me and I chilling around the house. Fuck this really sucks. I'm hoping he will be back...we'll see. 😔

Ive been going back and forth on how I should explain whats going on in my life right now. Its complicated...having my husband in the spare room is just dragging me down. We have had the same problems from the first week we moved in with each other 3 years ago. His volume! Every single thing about him is just loud, how he talks, his music that he plays 24/7. Or when hes excited about whatever he literally screams to get you to feel him. It sounds like such a petty thing but it irriates me to high heavens! I'm over feeling like a bitch for always yelling to turn shit down! I feel like all I do lately is yell or have to say no to all the demands I get for a ride. It would be different if I just had one guy to shuffle around daily but then I have n still sleeping in my bed. What can I say about n and I lately? I can't even tell you if things have been going good or not. We have been fighting more and his comments are becoming a little more mean. Its just I feel like I share everything with him, get him to the methadone clinic everyday, supply a roof over his head for free and let him eat whatever food I have for free plus I get us cigs and gas to drive him around. But he does a lot for me too. He shovels everytime it needs to be done, he does the dishes, and vacuums. Just all the housework really which is a diaster to be honest because I never picks up after himself. (Omg you should see his room fucking farm animals live in their)...n knows I look at him like my boyfriend, in my eyes he is exactly that but ugh how much it bothers me when I see him hitting up girls on fb. It gets me in a crabby mood in seconds and I can't express that to him because we agreed he could continue fucking his 10 type girl if hes sly with it. But now everytime he leaves I dont believe what he is telling me hes gonna be doing so its been making me pissy. And n has noticed thats for sure. The other day he kept asking whats wrong? Why you acting like that? Stop being a bitch. And he's right its something I got to work on. Because I can't ask a guy I hardly know, well thats a lie I know him pretty good, to be with me. When I am a disaster and honestly not ready for a clingy faithful relationship yet. Jealousy is just getting the best of me. Sometimes I get in moods where I just want that dreamy relationship all girls are looking for but then I just snap back to my way. The only problem I'm having with n is I can't say I love him because I have no idea if I feel that strongly about him yet. I care for him but I just dont know if this will last that long. Somedays i just can't get enough of him and the next day I won't even want to talk to him but maybe I just need to give it a little more time. N said he loved me, not in the I want to make you my wife but loves me. Lol he's laying right next to me as I write this like a little cutie. I just want to finally kiss him! I wonder how many more months until that wish is granted! Ill just keep bringing it up smoothly! He has little bird lips though, I honestly have no idea if it would actually be a successful kiss or not! Lmao. The only way we will find out is by trying.

Lmao 💕 this

No doubt in my mind I would say yes in a heartbeat. But to be honest I dont know if I love him or lust for him...

Life keeps going on...living with n in my room been like 17 (SOBER) straight days of us just laying in bed watching mostly bobs burgers and making some good food from whatever we can come up with lol and obviously smoking weed all day long thanks to I living in the spare room, ive been roughly getting 2-3gs a day which I have no complaints about. The only problem is that I keep taking days of rent when I really dont want him to be staying that long. So I have to cool it on smoking. N has to be going to inpatient pretty soon probably within the next week or two. So things will really get shaken up soon! N will be gone and I paid rent till the 20th of march. Time always seems to be flying by so my house will be very quiet very soon. What a weird change that will be! Excited to see how long my sober streak can last 😍💯

Fuck I love methadone but I fucked up and took a bunch ans now my mom's 20 m8nitea away ans I can hardlt keep my wyea open. Or stop itching but loveeeeee this feeling.

That's understandable, though I do hope that in time you realize that you're perfect just the way you are. Sending lots of love your way gorgeous

Don't be so jealous of how you used to look, you look absolutely amazing just the way you are, gorgeous.

To be honest I crave for holding a arm muscle in my sleep ugh can this please come do this tonight. I hope n finally stays for a night and I dont need another lonely night at least once to make up for the last week and a half of being gone. Completely mia

I was Sooo pissed at n last night and no joke 5 minutes with him this morning and I'm back under his spell. How he explains what was going on is just so relatable for me as a drug addict too so I really can't blame him for what he did. We are all fucked by the devil. But I dont have my hopes up about how long he will stick around this time.. Just guard your heart he can make me smile as much as he wants but the golden rule two drug addicts can lead each other in either direction down the path. And right now I'm going down the good path and n is slowly walking up from the depths of the bad path. So right now I think a little space is needed..