Once Conversations

Regina: Marco?

Whale: Polo!......yeah that wasn’t funny.  

Emma: Regina, you’re the mayor, can’t you just override this?

Regina: I’m trying to get people to respect me as a leader.

Dr. Whale: You could start by trying out compliments instead of insults.

Regina: It looks like a duck is attacking your head.

Henry: *Laughs* Sorry.

Dr. Whale: See what you’re teaching your son?

Regina: Okay fine. We’ll all suck it up and play your game.

Emma: We’re kind of on a time crunch here.

Regina: Then talk fast.

Emma: Seriously?

Regina: He’s our only doctor.

Emma: Because you made him the only doctor.

Mary Margaret: You both have magic. Why do we even need a doctor?

Dr. Whale: Hey, I delivered your baby.

Mary Margaret: Do you seriously think I wanted you of all people to deliver my baby?

Charming: Oh good, we’re going to bring that up again.

Henry: Bring what up again?

Mary Margaret: Nothing!

Regina: Archie just get on with it.

Archie: Alright. It has been brought to my attention that you all have made some…questionable parenting decisions happening. Dr. Whale, why don’t we start with what you’ve observed.

Dr. Whale: For starters the feud between the Wicked Witch, Robin Hood and Regina.

Regina: We are trying to do what’s best for the baby.

Dr. Whale: The baby was almost named Pistachio.

Robin: We’ve taken care of that. Zelena is back in Oz.

Dr. Whale: So do you have a name for me to put on the birth certificate?

Regina: We’ve been a little busy.

Dr. Whale: Too busy to name a baby?

Robin: We wanted to decide with Zelena before this whole mess happened.

Dr. Whale: And there’s another problem, the children are constantly in danger.

Emma: The entire town is constantly in danger, not just the children.

Dr. Whale: Okay, answer me one question. Where’s Roland?

Robin: Well we last left him with…um…

Regina: We picked the kids up from Belle and dropped them off with Granny. When the Dark One’s marked us for death we made the decision to leave all of the children in the care of the fairies.

Dr. Whale: *Laughs* I’m sorry , I’m sorry. *Doubles over* Oh that’s a good one. Have you ever met Blue?

Regina: Unfortunately. Look we had limited time to make a decision. Critique someone else’s parenting now duck head.

Dr. Whale: Snow and Charming, aside from leaving your newborn in a wardrobe, why is your baby never with you?

Charming: We’re always fighting the danger in this town and don’t want him to get hurt.

Dr. Whale: And who is his babysitter?

Charming: Granny or Belle usually.

Dr. Whale: Mrs. Dark One. That’s a safe choice.

Emma: Didn’t they get divorced?

Regina: I thought they were just separated.

Mary Margaret: She hasn’t been wearing her ring lately.

Dr. Whale: Aren’t you people on a time crunch? I thought you didn’t have time to drink tea and gossip.

Regina: The point is that she is no longer with Rumple.

Dr. Whale: Uh huh. Sure.

Regina: Just move on to Emma.

Emma: Gee, thanks.

Dr. Whale: When was the last time Henry went to school?

Emma: Umm…Regina?

Regina: It was…you had that ridiculous family tree homework assignment.

Mary Margaret: That was a good assignment!

Regina: Seriously. Have you seen our family?

Emma: Are you actually acknowledging that we’re family?

Regina: I’m about to risk my life to go down to the Underworld to try and save Captain Guyliner for crying out loud.

Dr. Whale: See, it sounds like a compliment…

Archie: Alright everyone, this town has extenuating circumstances. The children aren’t in any danger.

Dr. Whale: They’re with Blue!

Archie: Doctor, please.

Robin: So are we free to go?

Dr. Whale: You know they’re letting Henry go to the Underworld, right?

Archie: What?

Henry: If they leave me here I’ll just find another way.

Dr. Whale: See that attitude he has, where do you think he got it from?

Regina: Attitude is clearly genetic.

Emma: It is not.

Dr. Whale: Regina fed Henry a poison apple.

Regina: FINE! Your billowing locks of hair make you look like a majestic knight riding off on horseback into the sunset. Are you happy?

Dr. Whale: Almost…*Sigh*…I just really want to take a moment to let it sink in.

Regina: Are we excused now?

Archie: Yes, you’re excused.

Everyone files out, Emma goes to leave and then leans into Whale.

Dr. Whale: It’s still a little early to determine the sex of the baby, but we will do a checkup and make sure everything is fine. This gel is going to be a little bit cold.

Zelena: You forget I was under a freezing spell. It’s no problem.

Dr. Whale: Do you hear that? That’s the baby’s heart beat.

Regina: Huh. So it actually has a heart. What do you know?

Robin: Regina, it’s a baby.

Regina: And it’s growing inside the Wicked Witch of the West. She could pop out a munchkin or a flying monkey…

Robin: Or a demon from hell, I got it.

Zelena: So how is the little bundle of joy?

Dr. Whale: You see that right there on the screen? That’s your baby.

Zelena: Aww, how precious.

Dr. Whale: Sarcasm really runs in your family, doesn’t it?

Robin: That’s a baby? It looks like a lima bean.

Regina: They all start out looking that way. I’m sure it will have adorable dimples soon enough.

*Phone rings*

Robin: Hello?

Will: Ello Robin. I uh…well you see…

Robin: What did you do?

Will: Well I took Roland to the library to get some story books like you said since he’s learning to read, ABC’s and all that, and I guess Belle is still with Rumplestiltskin so the library was locked…

Robin: You broke into a library for a few story books?

Will: I just got dumped, the ex owns the library, keep up.

Robin: And you got caught and arrested.

Will: A little bit. The charming bloke is on his way to the hospital with Roland.

Robin: On his way here? This isn’t exactly something Roland should have a front row seat to.

Zelena: Aww how delightful, he can see the first picture of his little sibling.

Regina: Shut it or I’ll bring duct tape to the next sonogram.

Robin: I have to go Will. Bye.

Regina: What was that all about?

Robin: I left Will with Roland and he got arrested. David is bringing Roland to meet us here.

Regina: Great. Any ideas what you’re going to tell him?

Robin: Not a clue.

Regina: Can we speed this up Dr. Whale?

Dr. Whale: Of course, there’s an ingrown toenail waiting next door I’m just dying to rip out.

Regina: *Rolls eyes*

Zelena: So is the baby healthy?

Dr. Whale: Everything is looking good and right on schedule.

Roland: Hi dad!

Robin: That was fast.

David: I’m sorry, I would have watched him at the station until you could get there but we’re trying so desperately to find Emma I-

Robin: I understand. Thank you for bringing him.

Roland: Hi Regina!

Regina: Hi Roland.

Roland: I got to ride in the police car! David let me turn on the sirens and everything.

Regina: That was nice of him.

Zelena: Hello there Roland.

Roland: Who are you?

Regina: *Leans in to Zelena* Memory wipe. One step ahead of you.

Robin: This…is…Auntie *gulp* Zelena. She is going to have a baby, and that baby is going to be your brother or sister.

Roland: *Looks confused*

Robin: Look right there at the picture on the screen. You see that? That’s the baby.

Roland: It looks like a potato.

Regina: And now we can never eat lima beans or potatoes again.

Nurse: *Pokes head in* Doctor, the hernia patient just arrived.

Dr. Whale: You know some days I truly can’t remember why I became a doctor. *Glares at Regina*

Regina: You were a doctor before the curse. I did you a favor.

Dr. Whale: A doctor of science, not a doctor of medicine.

Regina: It’s all relevant.

Dr. Whale: I used to do critical research and bring people back from the dead. Now I rip out toenails and do ultrasounds on the sassy mayor’s soulmates’ baby mama.

Regina: Would you prefer I turn you into a toad instead?

Dr. Whale: *Rolls eyes*

Regina: That’s what I thought.

Zelena: So where were we?

Dr. Whale: I just need to wipe the gel off and then you can leave.

Roland: Is the baby in her tummy?

Robin: Yes.

Dr. Whale: Well technically it’s in her-

Regina: Stop right there.

Robin: I’m getting Roland out of here.

Regina: I’ll see that she gets back to her cell.

Zelena: Roland, you come back and see auntie Zelena soon, okay?

*Robin and Roland leave. Regina turns to Zelena*

Regina: I suggest you learn to hold your tongue, especially around Roland, or I’ll remove it for you at the next ultrasound. Think about that really hard in your cell.

Zelena: Bye-bye auntie Regina.

Regina: Call me that one more time-

Dr. Whale: I’m calling security to get Zelena right now. Go home Regina.

Regina: Call me if anything changes with the witch. Enjoy your hernia patient.

Archie: Gold?

Gold: Trying to bribe the sheriff to let my son go.

Emma: And?

Gold: Refusing to leave until she let him go.

Archie: Belle?

Belle: I brought over some books from the library to try and explain why it wasn’t necessary to arrest Rumpel. Apparently that’s also known as “sassing the sheriff.”

Archie: Blue? Do I even want to know how you managed to get yourself and all of the nuns arrested?

Blue: Breaking and entering.

Archie: Where?

Blue: We heard that Gold, Belle, and Neal got arrested, so we broke into Gold’s shop to take back something that was ours.

Gold: You broke into my shop?

Blue: You stole Fuchsia’s wand!

Emma: Seriously? Do you even have names? Or do you just get assigned a color?

Blue: *Glares*

Archie: Leroy?

Leroy: Standing guard for the nuns while they were breaking and entering.

Archie: Whale?

Whale: Inappropriate sexual advances towards the nuns while they were breaking and entering.

Archie: David?

David: Assaulting Whale for making inappropriate sexual advances towards the nuns.

Archie: Why were you at Gold’s?

David: I was on duty. Someone reported a break in. Snow and I went to check it out.

Archie: Snow?

Snow: Destruction of property.

Archie: What?

Snow: David gave me the wand to hold while he went to talk to the nuns. I saw him punch Whale, and I thought it was in reference to something else, so I got mad and threw the wand, and I broke a window.

Gold: You broke my window?

Archie: What did you think David’s assault was in reference to?

Emma: *Coughs to hide laugh*

Snow: Nothing.

Gold: Is ANY of my shop still intact?

Emma: Not really.

Archie: Regina?

Regina: Taunting the inmates with caramel apples.

Archie: Emma?

Emma: Assaulting the mayor.

Archie: Explain please.

Emma: I threw a caramel apple at the mayor a little harder than I meant to.

Regina: A little? I have a goose egg on top of a goose egg!

Emma: Well I didn’t think you would let it hit you, I figured you’d turn it in to a fire ball or something.

Regina: I had a little too much to drink last night.

Archie: Henry?

Henry: Where else was I supposed to go? All of my parents are here.

Archie: Fair enough.

Emma: So do we get to leave now?

Archie: Not quite. What you all did was wrong. I know there’s a lot of history here, but there’s no reason you all can’t get along. What about in Neverland? You all worked together to save Henry?

Hook: Except for when the dark one ditched us.

Emma: And then Regina ditched us.

David: And then Snow wouldn’t talk to me because I lied to her about being poisoned.

Hook: And there was sexual tension between Swan and I, and then Bae came back so we were stuck in that awkward three way mess.

Gold: And there was the part where my own son didn’t trust me. And then Regina turned on me.

Emma: And there was the part where Hook and Neal almost got us killed making idiots of themselves trying to have a competition.

Archie: Alright! I get it. But in the end you all came together, right?

Emma: I guess.

Archie: Well you all spent the night here. Did any of you get to talk through any of your problems?

Blue: It’s hard to talk with how loud Leroy snores.

Nova: I think it’s sweet.

Emma: What color are you?

Nova: Pink.

Emma: Pink and Fuchsia?

Snow: Drop it Emma.

Regina: I couldn’t sleep over the “We were cursed” argument followed by the “No, I love YOU more argument.”

Emma: I couldn’t sleep because Hook and Neal both kept edging closer to me and trying to get me to pick between them. At this point all I’m picking is which one of them I’m going to punch first.

Belle: I couldn’t sleep because Rumpel and Regina kept throwing fireballs at each other and arguing over curses, and her mother, and everything that’s ever bothered them.

David: I couldn’t sleep over the nuns singing.

Blue: Mauve, Crimson, and Scarlett sing every single night to put the nuns to sleep.

Regina: That is really sad.

Blue: Well none of the nuns could sleep anyway with Dr. Whale hitting on us all night.

Whale: I couldn’t sleep over Nova giggling every time Leroy snored.

Hook: I couldn’t sleep because I had too much rum.

Emma: Really? You’re going to blame last night on the rum?

Hook: Why are you so cranky anyway?

Emma: Well you see Hook, once a month-

Hook: Got it. Here have some rum.

Emma: *Glares for a minute, then grabs the flask*

Archie: Oh I have a headache.

Hook: Want some rum?

Archie: No!

Regina: Archie, there are four people with magic in here. If you don’t let us go it’s going to get ugly.

Archie: It can get uglier?

Whale: I really need to get to the hospital. There’s a patient who….needs…surgery. Yes, surgery. The patient needs surgery.

Emma: Smooth

Archie: Fine. But you’re getting group mandated therapy.

Regina: And suddenly jail is appealing.

Henry: Okay…so did everyone bring everything I asked you to? Mom did you get the s’more stuff?

Emma:….yeah.

Belle: I brought the books with scary stories for the campfire.

Regina: How do you expect to camp in those heels?

Belle: I hadn’t thought it out. I only own heels. I don’t have tennis shoes.

Emma: Do you want to borrow a pair of mine? What size are you?

Belle: A four?

Emma: We’re talking actual human sizes, right?

Regina: Maybe the schoolteacher can steal you a pair.

Emma: Sounds like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

Regina: Yes, I sent my soulmate across a cursed town line, had too much to drink, and then I found out I wasn’t allowed to do any cooking for this camping trip.

Henry: She wanted to bring apple pie..or dumplings…or fritters…or-

Emma: We got it kid. Regina is bitter about her breakup and she’s taking it out on use

Regina: I am not.

Henry: I asked mom to make TShirts for everyone. Come up with a camp name or something.

David: This ought to be good.

Regina: Actually, I personalized each one. David and Mary Margaret, here are yours.

MM: They say ”I’m with stupid.”

Regina: And here is yours Hook.

Hook: “Captain Guyliner.” Not bad.

Regina: Here is yours Emma

Emma: “Regina and I are NOT friends.” Oh come on, we had…fun…doing shots.

Regina: And then we got wasted and you dragged me to jump off a bridge into a frigid river. I ruined my best blazer.

David: You did what?

Emma: Bridge jumping. I used to do it all the time when I was a teenager….we were really drunk.

MM: Emma! You could have gotten seriously hurt! What happened after you jumped in?

Regina: Emma started calling for a life guard.

Emma: And then you started laughing like a hyena because you remembered we had magic.

Regina: So I poofed myself home…and accidentally poofed Emma with me.

Emma: But she wouldn’t give me dry clothes so I poofed myself to Hooks room at Granny’s.

MM: You know how to poof now?

Emma: No. Apparently I only know how to do that when I’m drunk.

Hook: And then I did absolutely nothing but give her dry clothes and send her home.

MM: What?

Emma: You were already asleep.

MM: Why didn’t you just poof home in the first place?

Emma: I didn’t want to walk in soaking wet.

MM: So coming home in your boyfriends clothes was a better option?

Emma: I was drunk.

Hook: Boyfriend?

Emma: Next shirt!

Regina: Okay Belle, here is yours.

Belle: “Brokenhearted Bookworm” and it’s a child’s size.

Emma: Don’t feel bad, it could be worse. You could have jumped off a bridge with her.

Regina: So just to clear things up, are you and Gold divorced now?

Belle: Divorced?

Emma: Did you get a marriage certificate before getting married?

Belle: Marriage certificate?

Emma: Yeah she’s definitely single.

Belle: I don’t understand.

MM: In this world marriage and ending marriage require paperwork, something Gold should have been aware of.

Belle: I’ll add that to the list of reasons I forced him over the town line.

Regina: You did WHAT?

Hook: I always knew I liked you. *Holds up hand for high five*

Belle: Don’t touch me.

Hook: Sorry.

Henry: The next shirt?

Regina: A onesie for the baby.

Mary Margaret: Aww that’s thoughtful…it says “Bodily fluid hazard”

Regina: And it won’t take him too long to decorate it I’m sure.

Mary Margaret: He’s a baby, you had one.

Regina: Mine didn’t produce enough drool to fill a swimming pool.

Henry: What about my shirt?

Regina: Here it is. “Heart of the Truest Believer”

Emma: At least someone’s is nice.

Regina: And as for mine. *Holds up shirt*

MM: “Long live the Evil Queen” Real classy.

Henry: Alright, Hook did you bring the navigation stuff?

Hook: Yep. Everything we need to navigate using the stars. I also brought a compass. *Winks at Emma*

Emma: *Tries to hide smile*

Regina: Oh good, these two are going to flirt the whole time. Just when I was worried this camping experience was going to be dull…

Henry: Grandma, you’ve got the food?

MM: Yes. We’re set for the weekend.

Regina: Hopefully you were more creative than prison food.

Hook: I’ve seen Emma give prisoners those gross...tart..pop..things. I assure you anything is better than-

Regina: Processed garbage? We can only hope.

Henry: And David you brought the tents?

David: Yep, they’re in my truck.

Henry: Then we’re all set. Lets put our shirts on.

*Thirty seconds later*

Hook: Uh..Emma love, I think she got me a shirt that was too small.

Emma: Let me see…wow. I never expected Regina to do me any favors, but that shirt is definitely the right size. What do you do, bench press nonstop in your spare time?

Hook: What is bench pressing?

Emma: I should have expected fairytale men to be just that unrealistic.

Hook: I assure you I’m completely real.

Regina: Okay that conversation is being stopped immediately.

Belle: Mine actually…fits.

MM: Mine is huge! It’s not like I gained two hundred pounds when I got pregnant!

Regina: Would anyone honestly have known the difference?

David: Hey! I’ve had it with your attitude. You are angry and taking it out on the wrong person!

Regina: Heaven forbid I take my anger out on the person that killed my own mother.

MM: Here we go again.

Henry: Why don’t we set up the tents?

David: I’ve only got three tents.

MM: So David and I can take one with Neal. Regina and Belle can share since her and Emma clearly aren’t friends and-

Emma: And what? You’re going to let me sleep in a tent with my…Killian right next to you?

Regina: Smooth

David: Well we were going to have you share with Belle and Regina and have the boys share but now I’m concerned.

Henry: I don’t want to share with Hook, he’s dirty!

Hook: For the millionth time I bathe quite frequently.

Regina: Yeah, right.

Hook: I look adorable covered in bubbles, ask Emma.

Regina: Gross.

Emma: Hey!

Regina: I say let the lovebirds share a tent. Then I don’t have to hear about it or see it.

David: Fine. Henry can bunk with us. But if I hear ANYTHING coming from that tent-

Emma: Dad!

Belle: So…who wants to hear a scary story?

Regina: Because the last ten minutes didn’t already qualify as a nightmare?

Henry: It has to be dark for a scary story. We need marshmallows and a fire.

Emma: Hey kid, about the marshmallows. We…kind of don’t have any.

Henry: Why not?

Emma: Well…Hook and I had some rum.

Regina: Oh good, another drunk story. 

Emma: We were crammed in the tiny backseat of the truck with baby Neal. And Hook had never seen or tasted marshmallows and he was curious…so he ate one. And I had been on duty all day and I was really hungry…so I start eating some.

Hook: And then the baby started crying so I gave him some.

MM: You fed my baby marshmallows?

Emma: He wouldn’t stop crying and you two were distracted because we drove past the toll bridge and you were all lovey dovey with memories and crap.

David: You fed a baby marshmallows?

Regina: And just think, we’re leaving them alone in a tent to get frisky.

Henry: Gross!

MM: You can’t feed a baby marshmallows.

Hook: Tell that to the baby full of marshmallows.

Emma: I mentioned the part where we had some rum right?

David: This has got to be the worlds most dysfunctional family.

Belle: Actually for some odd reason this family does work…despite all our differences.

Regina: Did anyone else forget she was hear or is it just me?

Emma: She does have a point. Yeah we fight, but we are a family at the end of the day.

MM: And we’re all going through stuff, we may as well be there for each other.

David: Lets all try to have fun and make this the best experience we can for Henry.

Henry: Family hug?

Robin: Well I could give blood sweat and tears to get off the island, or I could enjoy whiskey on the beach with Regina before she poofs us back home. I’d have to vote for that.

Archie: Alright then. David? David?

MM: David, wake up!

David: Sorry. The baby kept us up all night. What was the question?

MM: If you could only take one thing with you to a deserted island, what would it be?

David: Am I still asleep, or is that really the question?

MM: Answer the question.

David: An umbrella so I could sleep on the beach.

Archie: Is he talking in his sleep?

MM: I have no idea. We’re both so tired he may actually be serious.

Archie: What about you MM?

MM: Well…I think…I really……..zzzzzzzzz

Archie: Mary Margaret?

MM: Sunscreen to sleep on the…zzzzzz

Archie: Let’s just move on. Belle?

Belle: I’ve done a lot reading and I think a dagger would be most helpful.

Hook: To control the dark one?

Belle: No! You could use it to chop wood for fire to boil drinking water. You could cut down trees to make a raft off the island. You could chop coconuts and-

Regina: We got it bookworm. It’s universal.

Rumple: You wouldn’t take me?

Hook: He’s in trouble

Belle: I-

Archie: Let’s just continue. Rumple?

Rumple: I’d take care of anyone trying to put me on a deserted island before they got the chance.

Archie: Just pretend.

Rumple: I’ll take Belle. That way she’ll be with me to stop me when I try to exact my revenge on the fool that tried to put me there.

Archie:…Hook?

Hook: Where there’s water there’s a boats, where there’s boats there’s docks. Where there’s docks, there’s wenches. Use a few choice words and you’ll have access to a boat in no time.

Emma: *Elbows Hook in ribs*

Hook: I mean Emma of course.

Archie: The island is deserted. You’re all alone.

Hook: Did you just miss the part where I said “Emma of course?”

Archie: Emma?

Emma: Well I do have magic. But it is new to me. So it may take a little time. In the meantime I’d take Hook to keep me company.

Archie: What about the wenches?

Emma: You just said the island was deserted. And he was joking.

Hook: I was most definitely joking.

Archie: None of you would take your children?

Robin: If I take Roland, we’re on the island for much, much longer. I take Regina we can be back to him just as fast as we got there.

Regina: I thought we were laying out with whiskey first?

Robin: If Roland is safe with the Merry Men, we can have whiskey.

Regina: I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. Can you call them something that sounds a little less like a male quartet of carolers in ugly Christmas sweaters?

Robin: Caroler?

Regina: Obnoxious singers that show up at your doorstep during the holidays and sing songs.

Rumple: The one’s you threatened to have arrested for trespassing if they ever came back?

Regina: You tried to make a deal with them that you wouldn’t up all of their rent if they left. And when one child started crying you chased them away with your cane.

MM: That was the only year the school let us go caroling.

Archie: Oh good, you’re awake. What would you take with you on a deserted island Mary Margaret?

MM: Neal.

Charming: Neal?

MM: I’m his only source of food. Besides, we always find each other. You would find me. If you could find a way to the island, we’d have a way off.

Regina: Wait a second-if you two are so miserable not sleeping, why don’t you get Emma to make the baby sleep with magic?

MM: Emma’s been busy.

Hook: Very, very busy.

Emma: Not busy like that. Occupied.

Hook: Yes…occupied.

Emma: *Glares* I have a lot to take care

Hook: I am a lot to handle.

Emma: Let me rephrase. As the sheriff of this town I have duties and responsibilities.

Hook: Well when it comes to handcuffs-

Emma: If you want to be single, keep talking.

Regina: Hey Emma, did you ever tell your boyfriend about the first sheriff?

Emma: Did you ever tell your boyfriend about the first sheriff?

Rumple: I take it back, therapy is quite entertaining.

Archie: Everyone focus. What did we learn about each other’s strengths from this?

Hook: That magic is clearly the best solution to getting off an island?

Rumple: Some people rely on their own skills while others rely on the skills of others instead of just doing things themselves.

Archie: Strengths. Not weaknesses.

Regina: Everyone with magic would get off a deserted island in five minutes, and everyone else would follow bookworms lead and build a raft.

Archie: Okay, lets rethink this. There is a magic dome around the island preventing anyone with even the strongest of magic from leaving. You are stuck on the island forever. What do you take with you?

Belle: Rumple

Rumple: Belle

Archie: Alright. It can’t be a person. All six of you are stuck on the island together and you can’t leave. What one object do you bring?

Belle: A dagger

Regina: Anything I want I could just poof there with magic.

Archie: Fine. The magic dome leaves you all powerless. Now what do you bring?

Emma: My gun.

Hook: Handcuffs.

Emma: *Rolls eyes*

Archie: Be serious Hook.

Hook: Rum

Emma: Seriously?

Hook: If there’s one thing I know about being stuck on an island, it’s that rum is the only way to keep you from turning into a complete savage.

Robin: My bow. My arrow never misses.

Regina: Are you and Emma planning a takeover?

Robin: Well if we’re all going to turn into murderous savages-

Archie: Focus.

Regina: I still say Whiskey. I’m guessing Gold still has some way to get magic to the island to get us off.

Rumple: You know me so well. I choose to bring a vial of true love potion. Magic will be restored in no time.

Archie: Mary Margaret?

MM: Zzzzz

David: Zzzzz

Hook: I think it’s safe to say if we’re stuck there, those two will take care of repopulation.

Emma: Hey!

Hook: What? They make very beautiful children.

Belle: Who knew the pirate had a soft side?

Hook: I have a lot of sides love.

Archie: Sometimes I don’t know what to do with all of you.

Regina: Then why are we here?

Archie: Just answer me one more question and then you can leave. What would you do to make the island a peaceful place to live?

Hook: I already said I was bringing rum.

Belle: Remind Rumple that he doesn’t have to be a dark person.

Rumple: If I don’t have magic, I’m not the dark one.

Belle: Right. I’d remind everyone of who they are and that they’re better than this.

Emma: I have a gun. I’ll stop contention Robin: I have a bow that never misses. I can stop contention too.

Regina: I have whiskey. I’ll be too busy laying out to go after any of these idiots.

Rumple: I have a true love potion to get us off the island whether or not there’s contention.

4x03 "Did You Know Storybrooke Has an Ice Museum and the Lady In Charge is Super Freaky?"

  Henry: So my school class went on a field trip to the ice museum today.

Regina: Since when do you go to school?

Emma: Since when does Storybrooke have an ice museum?

Henry: I don't know. But the museum owner was super freaky. I think she's evil.

Emma: But I just got a break from evil.

Henry: Well take a break from Hook's face and come figure it out.

Emma: What's her name?

Henry: Ummm....Ellen? Ella? Elle? Ellie? Something like that.

Hook: I don't think ice is a problem lad.

Regina: Unless she can shoot it out of her hands.

Emma:....

Hook:....

Roland: Henry look!

Olaf: Hi! I'm Olaf and I like warm hugs!

Regina: …….

Emma:…….

Hook:…….

Emma: Lets go

  4x04 "The Freaky Ice Museum Lady Won't Just Let it Go"

  Elsa: Hello and welcome to Storybrooke's Ice Museum! I'm Elsa. It will be fifty dollars for all of you.

Emma: *Holds up badge*

Elsa: I'll let the charges go.

Emma: So who were you back in the Enchanted Forest?

Elsa: I prefer to live in the future and let the past go.

Emma: So do we get a tour or something?

Elsa: I just prefer to let people go on their own.

Henry: Is there an ice skating rink in here? Because that would be awesome.

Elsa: You can fill out a paper with that suggestion and let it go in the suggestion box.

Hook: Hey look at this statue! It looks just like Smee!

Emma: It kind of does.

Elsa: It was modeled after an old sailor who was too attached to his captain and couldn't learn to let go.

Emma: This one looks like Blue

Elsa: It's modeled after a woman who couldn't let go of her strict rules of helping others and in turn imprisoned herself.

Henry: She's turning everyone into ice sculptures!

Emma: Let me guess, at night they "let it all go" and join in a giant army with the snowmen?

Hook:.....

Emma:....

Henry:.....

Elsa: They also become one with the wind and sky.

Hook: I'm getting the feeling she's evil.

  4x05 "In Which Storybrooke is Hit With a Never Ending Winter:

  Archie: What are we going to do? Pongo's nose is froze, and his toes are froze...

Henry: My mom's face is frozen to Hooks.

Archie: Aren't you supposed to be in school?

Henry: They cancelled it because of the blizzard.

Emma: We need a plan.

Regina: You have magic, make the sun come out. Problem solved.

Hook: Can she do it tomorrow? We're a little busy.

Emma: Wait a second, the cast of Annie aren't real, are they?

Regina: Who?

Emma: That's a relief. But I don't know how to adjust the sun.

Regina: You helped me adjust the moon once.

Emma: Well do you want to help me adjust the sun?

Regina: I'm a little busy.

Emma: Doing what?

Regina: Producing human life. It's a much more daunting task than sucking pirate face.

Hook: We really need more testosterone in this town.

  4x06 "In Which Everyone Discusses Tattoos, One Night Stands, and the Talking Snowman"

  Tinkerbell: Marian came back? But what about the lion tattoo? He's your soulmate! And you're having his baby.

Regina: Yep.

Tinkerbell: Don't you care?

Regina: All I care about is the amount of whipped cream Granny puts on my Sundae.

Tinkerbell: You're hiding your feelings.

Emma: Wait, who has a tattoo?

Regina: Robin has a lion tattoo.

Hook: Is that supposed to symbolize something?

Emma: Yeah. A lion sure looks like feisty fun, but that doesn't mean you should pet it.

Regina: *Glares* Why don't we talk about your boyfriends tattoo of a "Milah?" Hey didn't she used to married to Rumple?

Henry: EW!

Emma: Seriously? Is anyone in this town NOT related?

Hook: I'm sure your tattoo's got a story.

Emma:.....

Hook: It's another horribly depressing orphan story isn't it?

Emma: Pretty much.

Snow: Has anyone seen Whale? I went to take little Neal for a checkup and he was gone.

Emma: Well you can say you've had a one night stand with both a mad scientist and a doctor, but now you get to add ice sculpture to the list.

Snow: We. Were. Cursed.

David: Very, very cursed.

Olaf: Hi! I'm Olaf, and I like warm hugs!

Emma: Warm? Really?

Olaf: Yeah.

Emma: So, do you have magic powers?

Olaf: I can separate my butt from my body.

Regina: Every woman's dream.

Emma: Do you know Elsa?

Olaf: A long time ago. We used to play but she let me go.

Emma: Got any snowman friends?

Marshmellow: WWWOOOUUUUIIIOOOHHH

Olaf: Hey! We were just talking about you! All good things, All good things.

Hook: Some sunshine would be nice about now, love.

Emma: His name is Marshmallow, how dangerous could he be?

Marshmellow: WWWOOIIIAAAAHHH

Hook: Now would be an excellent time to cut the sarcasm and defeat the giant snow monster.

Emma: Any chance he's the abominable snowman too?

Hook: Don't be ridiculous Swan.

Emma: Because THAT's ridiculous.

Henry: (Breaks Icicle off the window) Fetch Marshmallow!

Emma: He’s not a dog he’s a….apparently he’s a dog. I can’t believe that actually worked.

Hook: His brain is made of snow, love.

Regina: That’s the best pun I’ve heard all day.

Hook: *Eye roll* I didn’t mean it like that.

  4x07 “Random girl shows up in Storybrooke with a super weird fiancé.”

Anna: Hello?

Emma: I’m going to take a wild guess and say that since I haven’t seen her before she’s definitely evil.

Anna: N-n-o, I’m p-p-p-princess Anna of A-a-a-arendelle.

Emma: Uh huh. Who’s he?

Anna: T-t-this is my fiancé H-h-hans.

Hans: Hello, I’m prince Hans, one of the twelve brothers of-

Regina: Twelve?

Emma: I thought we already established the lack of birth control in the Enchanted Forest.

Regina: *Glares*

Emma: And let me guess, you all married the twelve dancing princesses?

Hook: The who?

Emma: Well they clearly don’t exist if you somehow managed to miss out on hitting on all of them at once .

Regina: Oh they exist. Hook was just a little old for them.

Emma: He’s over three hundred years old. I’m twenty nine.

Regina: The dancing princesses are all children.

Henry: Awkward.

Emma: Can it kid.

Anna: D-d-do you have some h-h-hot cocoa?

Granny: Coming right up.

Emma: So how did you two meet?

Anna: It was just a few hours ago actually.

Hook: A few hours and you’re engaged? Isn’t that interesting Emma?

Emma: In this realm when a man sasses his girlfriend he sleeps on the couch. And if he leaves claw marks from his hook, he sleeps on the floor.

Hook: I’ll just go get some rum.

Emma: Good idea.

Anna: I got brought to Storybrooke with the new curse. I’ve been looking for my sister, Elsa.

Regina: Of course you are.

Emma: Does your sister have…ice powers?

Anna: Yes, but she couldn’t control them. She didn’t want to be a monster. She tried everything to conceal her powers. But the dark one captured her and locked her away in a vase in his vault.

Emma: A vase in his vault. Isn’t that interesting Hook? I wonder how it got here?

Regina: Of course this is your fault.

Emma: I told him not to touch anything.

Regina: Well keeping his hand to himself has always been a problem.

Hook: Hey!

Anna: So you’ve seen my sister?

Emma: She just opened an ice museum.

Anna: Oh no. This happened before. She accidentally turned people into ice sculptures and she passed it off as art to keep from getting in trouble.

Emma: Can they be…unfrozen?

Hook: I believe the word you’re looking for is “thawed.”

Emma: I believe the word you’re looking for is “couch.”

Henry: If I wanted a grammar lesson I’d just to school.

Emma: I thought you said they cancelled school?

Henry: I also said last Monday was a holiday.

Granny: Aren’t teenagers fun?

Hans: Anna I think we should head for the ice museum immediately.

Regina: Take Emma. She has magic.

Emma: Thank you for announcing that to complete and utter strangers whose motives we don’t yet know.

Regina: Anytime.

Emma: Henry go to school. Hook come with me. Lets go.

  4x08 “We Now Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Plotline for some Relationship Drama”

Robin: So Regina, Henry told me in this world you can know if the baby is a boy or a girl before it’s born.

Regina: Normally, yes. When the only town doctor is an ice sculpture, no.

Robin: So I was thinking I should leave Marian and we should be together.

Regina: Why?

Robin: Give me a minute and I’ll think of a good reason.

Snow: I just don’t know what to do. Neal cried all night last night. I’ve hardly slept in 72 hours, our apartment is a disaster, I’m covered in spit up and poop, and I don’t know how people do this!

Regina: I’m glad to know my future looks bright.

David: It’s okay. We’ll get through this together. We’ll hire a maid if we have to.

Regina: Remember that one time you hired a midwife?

Robin: Stop talking Regina I’m trying to think.

Hook: So Emma, seeing as the young lad will be with Regina tonight, what do you say you and I take advantage of an empty apartment?

Emma: No complaints here.

Robin: Just a heads up, birth control does exist in this realm.

Regina: *Glares*

Emma: *Glares*

Snow: David we haven’t even had any time at all to be together. I don’t even know when the last time was I kissed you. How can something so small cause so much grief?

Regina: How can something with a head that big come out your-

Robin: I’ve got one! I love you and we’re soulmates.

Regina: That is extremely cliché.

Robin: Are you going to kiss me or not?

*OQ SMOOCH*

Regina: But what about Marian?

Robin: Who?

Emma: Now would be a good time to stop serving alcohol Granny.

Robin: I’m kidding.

Emma: Uh huh.

*OQ Smooch*

Henry: Get a room.

Regina: Go to school.

Hook: I think school is a good idea. *Winks at Emma*

Rumple: We’re back!

Emma: Where have you been?

Belle: On our honeymoon.

Emma: You can’t leave Storybrooke, where did you honeymoon?

Belle: Well we went skiing…

Rumple: Yes we did.

Belle: A little bit of skiing.

Rumple: Little…skiing…

Emma: So Regina, do they know about birth control or are they going to be joining you at “Mommy and Me” in nine months.

Regina: They can join your mother there. I’m sure she’s already elected herself president.

Emma: Hey…my mom stopped crying

Snow: *Snores*

Emma: David?

David: *Snores*

Emma: Well Killian, it looks like we’re on babysitting duty. Come here Neal.

Hook: Smells like Neal left you a present.

Emma: Keep talking and I’ll make you change the diaper with one hand.

Hook: I’m going to get some rum.

Emma: Good idea.

  4x09 “Only an Act of True Love Can Thaw a Frozen Heart”

Anna: Good morning people of Storybrooke!

Emma: Who’s he?

Anna: This is Kristoff, my fiancé.

Regina: I thought your fiancé was Hans

Anna : Oh right! That’s why I came here! He’s at the ice museum trying to kill my sister and I could use help, or someone with magic.

Hook: Well the dark one is busy doing…his wife. And the Evil Queen is over there inhaling an ice cream sundae in between making out with the outlaw and and chucking spoons at Maid Marian, and my girlfriend is busy babysitting. So it looks like you’re out of luck.

Anna: You can bring the baby.

Emma:  And tell my parents what? Sorry I took you’re baby while you were sleeping and turned him into an ice sculpture?

Anna: Well you could come! Your Hook is very…scary.

Hook: I don’t think embedding my Hook in anyone real or ice is going to help you.

Anna: But Hans…

Hook: Is a wimpy coward who probably can’t even lift a sword.

Anna: He’s a very gifted swordsman actually.

Hook: Is that the truth or a bad pickup line.

Emma: Seriously Neal? Again? What is your mother feeding you?

Anna: Hello? Gifted swordsman dueling a woman with uncontrollable ice powers over here. And if the moon comes up all the statues will come to life and have a giant battle.

Hook: You left out that part before.

Emma: Hook, take the baby.

Hook: What?

Emma: He eats, he sleeps, he poops. You can handle it for a few minutes.

Hook: With one hand?

Emma: I’ve seen you handle a lot more than a baby with one hand.

Hook: No denying that. *Winks*

Anna: Oh gross.

Emma: The snow is too deep to drive. Are we traipsing there on foot?

Kristoff: No, we’re taking Sven.

Emma: What is “Sven?”

Kristoff: My reindeer.

Emma: I am not riding on a reindeer.

Anna: Hans kind of broke the sleigh.

Emma: How do you break a sleigh?...You know what. Don’t answer that. Lets just go.

Hook: Be careful love.

Emma: Are you doubting my skills?

Hook: No I’m doubting the reindeers skills.

Kristoff: Reindeers are actually more skilled than people.

Hook: At what?

Emma: Don’t answer that either. Lets go. Bye Killian!

Hook:………………………………………So Neal…….do you come here often?

Neal: *Spits up*

Hook: Wonderful.

*At the Museum*

Emma: Hans! Let her go!

Hans: No! I will be king!

Emma: Of what? The ice people? Let her go!

Hans: No! Of Arendelle.

Emma: Doesn’t that require you to kill Anna too?

Hans:…..Good point.

Emma: Crap.

*Sven smashes into Hans*

Emma: Well it looks like I didn’t need magic after all.

Anna: Elsa no! What have you done! He was my fiancé!

Elsa: I thought the ding dong impaled the reindeer antlers was your fiancé?

Anna: Not anymore.

Elsa: Anyone got an act of true love laying around?

Emma: No, but I’ve got a fireball.

Elsa: No! If you melt the statue they’ll never be able to become people again. Maybe if you kissed him Anna…

Anna: *Kisses statue and freezes*

Elsa: No!

Emma: Maybe it’s you. Maybe you’re the one who needs to find love in your heart. You have the power in you to change. You can overcome this. Magic isn’t a curse unless you let it be one. You’re better than this. You can do it.

Elsa: That’s a great speech. Where did you get it?

Emma: I borrowed it from my mom.

Elsa: I figured. *Hugs Anna*

Emma: Look! All the Snow monsters are turning back to people!

Mother Superior: It’s so cold!

Whale: No one needed a doctor while I was frozen did they?

Emma: Lets be real here, you’re not really that much help anyway.

Whale: True.

Emma: Now lets get back to Granny’s before my boyfriend kills my brother.

David: Did that seem like a rushed plot conclusion to anyone else?

Mother Superior:  I thought it was slightly improved actually.

*Back at Granny’s*

Emma: Hey Killian! Hey Neal! How’s it going?

Hook: Does this kid actually get any of the nutrients from his food or does it just explode out of one of his ends the second it hits his stomach?

Emma: The way this kid poops I wouldn’t be surprised. So everyone is unfrozen…thawed…whatever. So everything’s all good. Happily ever after…all that jazz.

Regina: Uhhh Emma? What does labor feel like?

Emma: Like Satan himself stuck his hand up your-

Hook: There are children present, love.

Roland: What’s a Satan?

Mother Superior: *Gasps*

Olaf: Oh no!

Roland: What Olaf?

Olaf: Puddles really do exist.

Emma: Yeah, you’re in labor.

Regina: Well seeing as the outlaw doesn’t have a license, do you want to drive us sheriff?

Emma: Oh sure. NOW I’m the sheriff. I don’t have a car seat in the bug. Why don’t you poof yourself there?

Regina: Do you know how uncomfortable poofing is when you’re pregnant? No way!

Emma:…..Did I ever tell you how sexy that black vest looks on you honey?

Hook: Bloody hell. Give me the baby.

Emma: And Roland. Walk to the hospital and I’ll take them back.

Hook: What happened to Roland’s mother?

Emma: She’s in the hospital having a spoon removed from her ribcage. Walk.

Hook: Walk?

Emma: I don’t have car seats and I am a law abiding citizen.

Regina: Since when?

Emma: Since Neal pooped again and I don’t want to change him. Lets go.

  Episode 4x10/4x11” I Want to Change My Fate”/While You Were Sleeping

Whale: Okay Regina, how far apart are the contractions?

Regina: You’re the doctor.

Emma: Six minutes.

Regina: You timed them?

Emma: No, I just happened to glance at my phone every five seconds when Hook texted to complain about the baby…and then Roland…and then the baby…and then how hard it is to text with one hand, hold a baby, and wipe the ice cream sundae off a toddlers face.

Regina: Well tell him to get used to it since birth control is apparently so sparse.

Emma: *Rolls eyes*

Whale: Alright this nurse will get you in a gown and all hooked up to the monitors and I’ll be back in a bit to check your progress.

Regina: So Emma…how much more painful is this going to get?

Emma: Get an epidural.

*Two hours later*

Regina: How much longer is this going to take?

Robin: Marian was in labor a whole day.

Emma: I was in labor 15 hours.

Regina: Could you at least lie a little?

Whale: Hello Regina, how are we feeling?

Regina: Like with the advances in medical technology this shouldn’t be this painful.

Whale: It’s not my fault when you created the curse that you didn’t make someone an anesthesiologist. Try magic to relieve the pain.

Regina: It’s funny because right after Rumple taught me how to turn people into toads he taught me a magical epidural spell.

Whale: Really?

Regina: No you idiot.

Hook: I’m here!

Regina: Childless?

Hook: Well I dropped Neal off in the nursery. I sweet talked the nurse into taking him. It’s not like there’s any other newborns for her to be watching.

Robin: And Roland?

Hook: I showed him how the elevator works. He’ll be occupied for a bit.

Regina: Well that will give you some parenting skills to look forward to Emma.

Emma: I’m actually impressed. A trained nurse and an elevator are definitely safer than whatever Hook would have managed to teach them in his care. Roland would have come back with eyeliner.

Hook: For the last time love, it’s guyliner. For men. Made by men, for men. Men. Males. Men.

Regina: So Robin, I was thinking we should get married. It’s probably bad karma to have a kid before you get married or something.

Robin: Isn’t it a little late for that?

Regina: Do you see a baby?

Robin: No.

Regina: Then shut up.

Emma: You need a minister.

Regina: Call Archie.

Hook: He’s a little busy…

Regina: With what? What is more important than my nuptials?

Hook: Well I went upstairs at Granny’s looking for Ruby since she used to babysit Henry and I overheard him in one of the rooms.

Regina: Doing what?

Hook: What exactly happens to nuns who don’t remain holy?

Emma: Seriously? Blue?

Hook: He was giving her counseling on a personal problem.

Emma: Does anything ever not sound sexual coming out of your mouth.

Hook: I think you already know the answer to that, love.

Regina: Now I’m grossed out.

Emma: You think this is gross, just wait a few more hours.

Regina: OW.

Robin: Breathe Regina.

Regina: Don’t tell me what to do!

Robin: I’m so excited for this marriage.

Regina: Shut up.

Emma: So, the only two ordained ministers in this town are occupied. Now what?

Whale: You know, I heard you can become an ordained minister on the internet.

Regina: Then go do it.

Whale: Fine.

Regina: Now I need a maid of honor….

Emma: The only maid I know is recovering from surgery.

Regina: Not funny.

Emma: What about……..Well you could call…….Or maybe……..you really have screwed everyone over haven’t you?

Regina:  We need rings.

Robin: But yesterday you were complaining that your fingers were too fat for rings.

Regina: Shut. Up.

Emma: And-

Regina: OW-

Emma: If you want to get married before the kid pops out you better hurry.

Regina: Okay, no rings, no maid of honor. Just get Whale and Henry and Roland so they can be here.

Emma: Go Killian.

 Regina: You know I guess I should thank you both for being here and helping me.

Emma: Did she just say, “thank you?”

Regina: I said I should. I never actually said I was going to.

Hook: Umm…The elevator is stuck.

Emma: And?

Hook: And I forgot to teach the lad how to press the panic button.

Emma: And?

Hook: And I might have taught him an inappropriate word he keeps repeating rather loudly.

Robin: Are they going to be able to get him out?

Hook: The nurse in the baby ward said she’d look into it.

Emma: The nurse that’s supposed to be watching Neal?

Hook: Bloody hell. I’ll go get him.

Regina: OW. OW!

Emma: You’re running out of time.

Whale: I did it! I’m ordained!

Regina: Then get over here and get this show on the road!

Whale: Dearly beloved we are gathered-

Regina: Skip that part!

Whale: Ummm I don’t have a book or bible or anything so…pretend you repeated some stuff after me. With these rings do you…you don’t have rings. Do you Regina take Robin Hood to be your lawfully wedded husband for as long as you both shall live.

Regina: I d-OW.

Whale: We will now pause for the bride to breathe…

Regina: I do! Just get on with it!

Whale: Do you Robin Hood take this…woman to be your awfully wedded wife for as long as you both shall live?

Emma: *Laughs.* I’m sorry. Go ahead.

Regina: Lawfully.

Whale: Robin do you take this woman to be your LAWFULLY wedded-how is it lawful If I got ordained on the internet?

Regina: If you don’t hurry up Whale I will rip your heart out and use it as a squeeze toy to get me through the pain.

Whale: Do you Robin take Regina to be your wife?

Robin: Am I allowed to speak now?

Regina: *Glares*

Emma: This is such a romantic wedding.

Robin: I do.

Whale: Well then by the power vested in me by a highly illegal website with very questionable language, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.

*OQ SMOOCH*

Regina: OW!

Merida: Robin?

Robin: Merida?

Robin: What are you doing here?

Whale: There’s about to be another wedding guest…

Merida: I…well I’m trying to change my fate.

Robin: Regina this is Merida, Merida this is my wife Regina.

Merida: You’re married! That’s wonderful!

Robin: We grew up together.

Regina: It’s nice to meet you. Would you mind kindly GETTING AWAY FROM MY BIRTH CANAL!

Emma: Yeah I’m just going to go rescue the children from Hook.

*One hour later*

Emma: *Knocks* Hey Regina, we’ve got Roland and Henry. Can we come in?

Regina: Yes!

Henry: Cool! A little sister!

Robin: And Roland, I married Regina, so the baby is your sister too.

Roland: The pirate locked me in the elevator.

Hook: I did not!

Emma: Are you really going to argue with a toddler?

Hook: *Rolls eyes*

Henry: So what’s her name?

Regina: I don’t know. I can’t decide. Have any suggestions?

Hook: Marian.

Emma: *Glares* Fine. You didn’t lock him in the elevator.

Hook: Thank you.

Henry: You probably shouldn’t name him after your mother.

Regina: I wasn’t planning on it.

Whale: You could name her Daniela.

Regina: I will still use your heart as a squeeze toy.

Roland: What?

Robin: She’s just kidding. I think.

Emma: Name her Snow.

Regina: Does anyone have a serious suggestion?

Hook: Zelena?

Emma: *Laughs*

Henry: Henrietta?

Emma: Sidney?

Regina: Alright, alright, alright. How about…I really don’t let myself get close to anyone do I? Well except Tinkerbell, and that’s a bit precious. I know. We’ll name her Story.

Emma: Like a book?

Regina: Yeah. Like Henry’s book. It brings all of our stories together. Without it the curse never would have broken and I never would have found Robin.

Robin: I like it.

Emma: Technically I broke the curse.

Regina: I’m making a point here. In the book we’re all stories, and this is the beginning of a new chapter with baby Story.

Emma: That is so corny.

Regina: Your mother is Snow White. You don’t get to be the corny police.

Emma: Point taken.

Hook: Speak of the devil.

Emma: Don’t call my mother the-Hey mom!

Snow: Where is Neal?

Emma: Right here.

Snow: How long have we been asleep?

Emma: A long time.

Snow: What have I missed.

Hook: Poop. And lots of it.

David: So I see Regina has a new addition.

Regina: This is Story.

Snow: That’s…uh…beautiful.

Regina: I think it’s a strong name. She will always know she is the one who shapes her own destiny. She is the one who creates her own story.

Snow:…Cor…...a. Cora. It’s a good thing she’s not here.

Emma: We’ve already established it’s corny.

David: So what else did we miss?

Emma: Well those two got married.

Snow: Congratulations!

Emma: It was a really…touching…ceremony.

Snow: What about Elsa?

Emma: Taken care of.

Snow: Man, having a baby really takes it all out of you. I can’t believe that much happened while we were sleeping.

Emma: Well now that you’re awake I think the rest of us could use some sleep.

Henry: Come on Roland, you can come with us.

Robin: Thank you.

*Outside*

Hook: Finally some fresh air.

Emma: I wouldn’t call it “fresh.” It really smells like wet dog out here.

*101 Dalmatians run by followed a jeep with two men and a woman in a fur coat*

Snow: It doesn’t look like any of us will be getting any sleep.

David: According to Henry’s book, that’s Cruella, Horace, and Jasper, right?

Emma: Jasper looks so familiar…

Archie: Pongo! Pongo come back!

Oaken: Yoo hoo!

Emma: Let’s go.

Neal: green?

Belle: It will look nice with the pink the girls are wearing.

Neal: What about a normal colored tie like blue...or black...or gray?

Belle: If I put all the men in black or gray ties with the plain suits all of the women would stand out quite a lot more than the men.

Charming: We're all wearing matching ties?

Belle: Well you can't all be in different colored ties.

Henry: What about red?

Snow: You can't put red and pink together honey. David stand on my other side.

Regina: I'm here.

Emma: What are you wearing?

Regina: A black dress

Emma: We told you we were wearing pink!

Regina: I don't own any pink. It's not my color.

Snow: you couldn't have stopped somewhere and bought something? It's for your son.

Emma: My son.

Rumpel: Here we go again.

Regina: My son. And I already told you, pinks not my color.

Emma: My son. Too bad.

Snow: Hook and Neal bought new suits Regina.

Hook: Horrendous monkey suits.

Emma: We'll be done soon and then you can take it off.

Hook: Want to help?

Emma: *rolls eyes*

Snow: I could run to the store really fast and grab a different dress and a few ties.

Belle: I thought we decided on green?

Snow: Will it blend too much with the trees?

Belle: Oh I didn't think about that.

Henry: We could just not wear ties. 

Emma: It's really getting warm out here. Let's just lose the ties. 

Rumpel: No! That's completely unsophisticated. 

Emma: Fine. Then you wear a tie. 

Snow: Emma it really won't look right if only one man is in a tie. 

Emma: It won't look good either if were all in pink and Regina's in black.

Belle: What about a turquoise color? That would go with pink.

Archie: I don't mean to interrupt this....precious family moment but I have a session at 3:00.

Emma: Alright we lose the ties. Regina can you run into town really fast and buy a pink dress?

*Emma starts pulling Hook's tie off.*

Regina: I'm not wasting money on a dress I'm going to burn ten minutes from now.

Emma: You know what? You have magic. You can poof a dress here and grow a money tree if you want.

Regina: Why would I need a money tree when I have a nice apple tree? 

Hook: You're choking me love. 

Emma: *Loosens grip on tie and pulls it off* Sorry.

Hook: you can make it up to me later.

Charming: Let's just take the picture.

Belle: *Reaches for Rumpels tie*

Rumpel: I'm not taking it off. 

Belle: Then give everyone a turquoise tie. 

Rumpel: *Waves hand*

Belle: That's teal. Can you make them just a little bit lighter?

Neal: Lets just take the picture.

Snow: Regina

Regina: *Rolls eyes and waves pink dress on*

Snow: Alright I think were finally ready Archie! 

Archie: Alright! Everybody smile! 1....2....

Rumpel: Bae sit up straight.

Archie: Alright 1....

Snow: Wait! I changed my mind. David does need to be on my other side.

Archie: 1....2....

Emma: Hook get your hand off my butt!

Hook: I'm trying to help you smile better love. 

Charming: *Leans forward and hits Hook upside the head*

Snow: I think we're really ready now.

Archie: 1....2....

Henry: I have to go to the bathroom.

Emma: Can you wait 5 minutes?

Henry: Neal bought me the extra extra large slurpee.

Emma: *Rolls eyes*

Neal: He got an A on a test. So I told him I'd get him a treat. He chose a slurpee.

Emma: Alright then Neal you two go scout out a tree.

Hook: What's a slurpee?

Belle: I was wondering the same thing.

Snow: It's an icy drink.

Hook: That sounds good.

Emma: It's alcohol free.

Hook: Well then what is the point?

Archie: You know Hook I hold alcoholics anonymous meetings every Thursday night.

Emma: Do you have a meeting for men that act like 5 year olds? 

Charming: Everyone calm down and remember why we’re here. We’re doing this for Henry.

Snow: Maybe pink was the wrong color. 

Emma: pink is fine. Let's just take the picture. 

Henry: Were back!

Neal: What do you know? The kid takes after me.

Emma: I don't even want to know what that has to do with peeing.

Archie: Alright! 1...2...3! We did it!

Snow: I think I blinked.

Archie: Alright. Redo. Everyone smile!

Regina: Ouch! Did you just hit me with your cane?

Rumpel: You will notice your majesty, that we are taking the picture at the hottest part of the day to accommodate your schedule. My hands are starting to sweat. The cane slipped. 

Belle: I saw it. It did slip.

Regina: uh huh.

Hook: Want to borrow my Hook for a minute?

Archie: All you have to do is smile for 3 seconds. Okay 1...2...

Emma: Hook I swear-

Charming: Would you like your other hand cut off?

Archie: Smil-

Henry: Look a squirrel! Here little squirrel! 

Neal: Henry I will buy you the entire pet store if you just smile. 

Emma: While you're at it why don't you buy him all the slurpees in Storybrooke too? 

Neal: I was exaggerating.

Emma: Uh huh.

Neal: Fine he got a B

Emma: I was talking about the pet store not the grade!

Snow: I wonder what we would have fought about had we not been cursed.

Regina: You really want to go there? Why don't you blame Gold? He's the one that created the curse!

Rumpel: Why don't you blame Hook? He's the one that stole my wife forcing me to become the dark one to keep Bae away from war and provide for him.

Hook: Why don't you blame your wife she came willingly?

Neal: Why don't you blame yourself dad? You could have chosen me over magic and then you wouldn't have even had to create the curse.

Emma: Just to clarify Neal, are you saying abandonment is a choice?

David: Or we could blame Regina for enacting the curse.

Regina: Or we could blame Snow since her killing my Daniel is why I enacted the curse in the first place.

Snow: I didn't kill Daniel. Your mother killed Daniel.

Henry: STOP! I just want a picture of my family! 

Emma: Henry is right. We can suck it up and take a picture.

Everyone: Fine.

Archie: Alright. 1...2...

David: So did we establish that were blaming Cora?

Hook: And why is the dark one here?

Rumpel: I make it my business to know everyone’s business and I don’t see anyone arguing. And I am family of course. And Belle is here because I want her to be.

Henry: So what do we need for the party?

Snow: Well when Granny stopped hyperventilating, she said she’d love to make the cake. We just need to decide what saying we want on it.

Leroy: “Emma, thanks for saving us…again…and again…and again.”

Rumpel: Happy Birthday to the sheriff who’s broken every law in the book and then some.

Hook: Oh sure, Swan’s allowed to break laws.

Charming: She’s spent nights in the Storybrooke jail.

Hook: That’s punishment? She gets to sleep in a heated room in this cold and I have to do community service? Do you know how hard it is to paint a building with one hand? And what is the point of painting in a place where it never stops bloody raining?

Neal: Who gave him the community service?

Charming: It was Marko, actually. I’m sure Emma would have enjoyed taunting him while he was stuck behind bars.

Hook: Taunt in a good way or a bad way?

Snow: Stop talking Hook.

Hook: Would I be in handcuffs? Or do they take those off when they lock your cell?

Charming: *Glares*

Snow: Back to the cake. Does anyone have a non-sarcastic saying?

Neal: Why can’t it just say “Happy Birthday Emma?”

Snow: We want it to be personal.

Hook: Too bad “Sorry I abandoned you and left you pregnant in jail because a puppet with a typewriter told me to” doesn’t fit on a cake.

Neal: Neither does “Sorry I’ve turned on you seventeen times and hit on every single female in a twenty mile radius while claiming ‘I love you.’”

Leroy: “Emma, Roses are red, violets are blue, your boyfriends are babies, you’re better off just you.”

Neal: “Roses are red, violets are blue, get rid of the pirate, because I love you.”

Hook: I don’t get it but I can play. “Roses are red, violets are wild, you can do so much better, than this overgrown manchild.”

Charming: Well this is a disaster.

Neal: Aww did the pirate run out of romantic material?

Hook: “Roses are red, violets are blue, when I say ‘as you wish,’ it means ‘I love you’”

Neal: Wait, seriously?

Snow: For someone who just learned the tackiest poem in history, that was actually quite impressive.

David: Mary Margaret! We are not encouraging this. It’s Hook being Hook, it’s not romantic.

Snow: “Roses are red, Violets are blue, my wife isn’t pregnant, so I’ll secretly date you.”

David: We were cursed!

Leroy: Apparently being in a coma for twenty eight years took its toll.

Henry: What about “We love you Emma?”

Hook: She’s a bit touchy when it comes to the word “love”

Neal: What is that supposed to mean?

Hook: *Shrugs*

Snow: I give up. The cake can just say “Happy Birthday Emma” What else do we need?

Charming: We need decorations.

Snow: Lets see, streamers, plates, napkins, silverware, balloons-

Hook: What the bloody hell are balloons?

Henry: They’re like…umm…

*Snow opens cupboard and pulls out small bag of balloons. She blows it up and hands it to Hook*

Hook: Just when I thought this realm couldn’t get any stranger…

*Knock on the door*

Charming: Come in!

Regina: Hey I’m here to get Henry.

Henry: I just need a few more minutes. We’re planning Emma’s birthday party.

Regina: This ought to be good.

Leroy: You forgot about ice cream.

Charming: Right.

Rumpel: I could provide drinks.

Snow: That’s the equivalent of asking Regina to bring apple pie.

Regina: Hey! My apple pie is amazing.

Charming: You’re seriously going to come to a party Gold?

Rumpel: No, of course not.

Belle: We would love to come.

Rumpel: Looks like I’ve RSVP’d.

Leroy: *cough* whipped *cough*

Belle: I can bring some ice cream. I tried some at Granny’s the other day and it was delicious. She told me you can buy it at a grocery store, right?

Snow: Yes. Emma likes chocolate.

Belle: Sounds great.

Leroy: I can bring paper products. There’s seven of us dwarves, we know where to get large quantities of everything.

Neal: I’ll bring drinks.

Snow: We need music. I don’t have too many CDs. Maybe we-

*POP!*

Hook: *Slowly peels a piece of balloon of Neal’s nose.* It pops if you touch it with sharp implements…if you…didn’t…know.

Regina: Anyone want to place a bet on who whacks the pirate first?

Snow: Music? Anyone?

Leroy: Ten bucks on Charming.

Regina: Ten on…that…person.

Neal: It’s Neal.

Regina: That’s news to me,

Belle: We have some CD’s at the library. I haven’t listened to too many, but you’re welcome to come look.

Snow: Perfect! Is that everything?

Henry: Are you sending out invitations?

Snow: Right, I guess we should.

Hook: What kind of invitation are you looking for?

Charming: Not that kind. 

Snow: Lets see…We’ll take one to Granny and Ruby, one to Archie, One to Marko and Pinocchio, One to Blue. Who am I forgetting?

Regina: Dr. Whale.

Snow: *Glares*

Charming: He…doesn’t know Emma that well.

Henry: He did treat me and you gramps.

Snow: That is true.

Charming: Yes, but-

Snow: We were cursed. Moving on.

Rumpel: What happened while you were cursed?

Charming: I thought you knew everyone’s business?

Snow: Apparently Regina does.

Regina: I was at the hospital doing…paperwork as the mayor one day. You overhear things.

Charming: I’m sure.

Snow: We can be civilized and invite Whale.

Charming: The guy didn’t even pay for your dinner.

Hook: I wouldn’t worry about that mate, it’s just Whale being Whale.

Charming: If you don’t stop talking Leroy’s going to be ten bucks richer.

Henry: Do you want to come to the party mom?

Regina: I’d rather rip my own heart out.

Neal: You have a heart?

Leroy: Yeah it’s that frozen thing in her chest that pumps the ice into her veins.

Regina: How original.

Emma: Hey I’m back and-what’s going on?

*Crickets chirping*

Hook: Please. You couldn’t handle it.

Emma: *Rolls eyes* Seriously, what’s going on?

Neal: I thought it was my day for Henry, Regina thought it was hers, your parents had just stopped Hook from breaking more laws, Belle wanted to come with me and bring my dad, and Leroy….was hungry.

Leroy: The struggle is real.

Emma: Uh huh……..Hook? You have a piece of balloon stuck to your chest.

Hook: Well would you look at that, oh wait, you already are.

Emma: You’re not…planning a party are you?

Snow: No.

Belle: Not at all.

Neal: Nope.

Leroy: I’m just here for the food.

Charming: *whacks Leroy with dishcloth*

Emma: You are all really, really bad liars.

Charming: We’re not lying.

Emma: Well if you figured out there was a mix-up, why are you all still here? You can’t stand each other.

Belle: Well you mom invited us to stay for brunch.

Hook: Don’t worry Emma, it’s just a one time thing.

Emma: *Glares*

Hook: Want to know what that really means Neal?

Neal: *Punches Hook in the arm*

Regina: Pay up Dumpy.

Leroy: It’s Grumpy.

Regina: Whatever.

Leroy: Here.

Regina: Twenty bucks says Neal hits him again.

Leroy: You’re on.

Neal: Well since it’s not my day for Henry after all, I’m leaving. Come on dad. Belle.

Regina: Lets go, Henry.

Leroy: I’ve got to get back to the mines.

Charming: I have paperwork to do at the station.

Snow: I have to go grocery shopping.

Hook: I don’t have anywhere to be love. *Winks*

Emma: Get out

Hook: As you wish.

Neal: *Hits Hook in the arm*

Regina: That’s 20 bucks Plumpy.

Rumpel: Why does that not make me feel any better? Who?

Regina: Sorry I’m late. Thanks for the invitation.

Rumpel: Really? You got so desperate you called Regina? What happened? Where’s Ruby, the maid of honor?

Regina: Next time you decide to have a moonlit wedding, do it on a night when the moon isn’t full.

Rumpel: Has someone gone to find her?

Snow: We have her. She’s in control. It’s her cloak we can’t find.

Rumpel: What do you mean you can’t find it?

Snow: Granny is tearing her room apart as we speak. It’s not like her to forget it’s a full moon.

Regina: Just get a leash and walk her down the aisle.

Emma: (Leans head back in their direction) Just make Henry go get Pongo. Slap a bow on her and bowtie on him and everyone will think it’s on purpose.

Snow: Henry’s a little busy at the moment.

Emma: *Coughs to stifle laugh*

Rumpel: Doing what? His only job is to walk down the aisle with a pillow!

Snow: Someone forgot to mention he was supposed to tie the rings to the pillow.

Rumpel: And?

Snow: He’s helping the plumber rip apart the pipes in your shop to save the ring.

Rumpel: And who’s paying the plumber?

Regina: It’s your wedding. You want the ring, you pay the plumber.

Rumpel: It was your son that did it 

Regina: Her son (Points to Emma)

Emma: Oh sure, now he’s my son.

Rumpel: How did the ring even get in the pipes in the first place?

Snow: That’s a story for another day.

Rumpel: Where are Ariel and Eric? Why aren’t they helping?

Regina: How do you feel about wheeling a bathtub down the aisle?

Rumpel: That had better be sarcasm.

Emma: You wish.

Snow: She was fighting with Eric about his job again. She’s very animated with her arms when she yells. Her bracelet broke, went through the back window, and landed in a pond. Eric is diving around in the pond trying to find it.

Emma: *Hides her head to laugh*

Rumpel: What now?

Snow: Well her tail started to get really dry and uncomfortable. So we put her in that old fashioned bathtub in the back of your shop. We were carrying buckets of water from the bathroom sink to the tub to pour on her tail so she wouldn’t be so uncomfortable. Henry decided to help, and he put the pillow with the rings on the counter by the sink.

Rumpel: And that’s how the ring got in the pipes?

Regina: You need a new pillow too. In the same motion the pillow went in the toilet. My son is truly gifted.

Emma: Your son? Does that mean you’re paying for the plumber?

Regina: Of course not.

Rumpel: Where’s Charming?

Snow: He’s on an errand.

Rumpel: What kind of errand?

Snow: None of your business.

Rumpel: It’s my wedding, it’s my business.

Snow: Never mind about him. Oh but if you walk past the carriage I promise there’s only going to be a missing horse temporarily. Charming’s truck got a flat.

Rumpel: What errand was so important that he stole a horse?

Snow: None of your business.

Rumpel: Tell me!

Snow: No!

Rumpel: You know I can make you tell me…

Emma: Stop it! Mary Margaret needs pickles and gum, I need tampons, and Belle needs a garter.

Rumpel: Belle has a garter.

Snow: Well…

Rumpel: What now?

Snow: Belle was putting the finishing touches on and she asked Henry to bring her the garter. He didn’t have a good grip and accidentally shot it in the bathtub with Ariel.

Regina: I am so taking him out for ice cream later.

Rumpel: Why pickles and gum?

Snow: I’m pregnant. I need pickles.

Rumpel: Gum?

Snow: For the pickle breath

Regina: So why didn’t Emma run the errand?

Snow: She was busy doing sheriff duties.

Rumpel: What kind of sheriff duties?

Snow: Well…you see…she was…let’s not talk about it.

Rumpel: Tell me now.

Snow: Well…

Emma: Your idiot son and a certain drunk pirate got in a fight over who got to be the sheriffs date to the wedding. It started to get physical.

Rumpel: And?

Snow: And so she handcuffed them together.

Rumpel: So go un-cuff them!

Snow: Well…

Rumpel: Miss Swan where is the key?

Emma: I was cuffing them as David was getting the horse ready to run an errand. I dropped it. The horse ate it.

Rumpel: Don’t you have multiple keys?

Emma: At a normal sheriff’s station? Yes. In a tiny cloaked town run by fairytale characters? No.

Snow: As soon as David is done getting the other things he’s going to stop by the animal hospital and see if he can get a horse laxative.

Rumpel: Where are the other groomsmen?

Emma: *Busts up laughing* I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Snow: Jefferson convinced Neal and Whale to play poker. Hook joined in since he’s cuffed to Neal. They got really into it and made the waiter for the reception bring them drinks-

Rumpel: Get to the point Mary Margaret.

Snow: They’re drunk. Really, really drunk.

Rumpel: Why do I sense there’s more?

Regina: Hook is sobbing because his hand is gone and he doesn’t know where it went. Neal is shoving all his change into the gumball machine in your store and yelling that he can’t get three sevens. Jefferson is singing a song to the bridal bouquets and looking for some smoking caterpillar. And Whale is riding around on Ruby’s back repeatedly yelling, “It’s my birthday and I’ll ride the merry-go-round if I want to!”

Emma: *Continuous laughing*

Rumpel: Why is this so funny to you?

Emma: Thanks to this wedding, I haven’t slept in thirty-six hours. I’ve had seven cups of coffee in the last hour, it’s that time of the month, and I can’t sit down for more than five minutes at time before something else goes wrong. I’ve decided I don’t care and I’m going to sit back and laugh at the situation.

Rumpel: No, you’re going to go fix the situation. Where is Belle?

Snow: Doing Yoga and breathing exercises with Leroy to keep herself from panicking.

Regina: Leroy knows Yoga?

Emma: Apparently he’s gifted.

Snow: Gold the important thing is that you love Belle.  It’s not about the place or the guests, or an evil queen breaking in to announce she’s cursing you-

Regina: Are we really going to go there right now?

Snow: It’s about your love for each other.

Rumpel: You’re right. I think I’ll go get Belle and Mother Superior and do this just the two of us. I know the perfect place.

Clark: Hey Emma, you’re not going to arrest us if we eat the cake, right?

Emma: Does it look like I have handcuffs to arrest you with?

Plumber: Uh excuse me? I got the ring out of the pipe. The mermaid has it. She said I should come here to find someone to pay the bill.

Emma: Back at the shop there’s a crying pirate handcuffed to a guy shoving money in a gumball machine. They’ll split the bill.

Plumber: ….alrighty then.

Clark: IT’S AN ICE-CREAM CAKE!