...On Being Positive.

This is a hot button topic that has come up a lot in recent discussions I’ve been in. As an undetectable partner with no risk of transmitting it, how mandatory is disclosure in 2019? Some friends live by the rule, even in anonymous or casual sex situations that they always disclose, even if someone hasn’t brought up the topic. Others just avoid the convo all together, and some just lie when encountering someone wanting to live a neg4neg only fantasy.

I understand that in some states, non-disclosure before any form of sexual activity is a felony, and could carry severe punishments. In New York, it’s not a crime to not disclose, and some feel strong in doing so even though they, as an undetectable partner, pose much, much less risk than anyone who tells you they are negative. Others, and I will be honest that I’ve sometimes fallen in this camp, have just internalized so much of the hate, hurt and trauma from good guys flinching or backing away, saying “I’m scared”, or even, I’m on prep and I know you are undetectable, but I still don’t want to have sex with you because just knowing it is there is too much for me to handle. So, sometimes it’s just been easier not to bring it up when someone has not asked... and yes, I’ve actually played the lying game too: “are you clean?” “Neg?”, I’ve just answered yes, knowing that I’d likely never see this person again.

In many ways, it’s hard to believe it’s been five years since I heard those words “your HIV RNA test came back ‘reactive’, do you know what that means?” And in in other ways, it feels like it has been so much longer, the trials of it have definitely been trying. 

I can say that being diagnosed shifted some of my priorities around. Even though I was already in a very clean eating, healthy and sober place in my life, it made me treasure and value staying alive more than I ever had before. It made me stare mortality right in the eyes, and commit to doing what was necessary to stay healthy and alive. 

I am very grateful to live in a time that medications are available that work well, and that we know now that remaining undetectable = uninfectious. I’m very grateful for the amazing therapist I’ve worked with that has kept me seeing myself as first and foremost human. And I’m grateful for the men who have been able to see me past it. I am grateful that in terms of health, I’ve come to view the virus as a misunderstood creature (I call him my Dark Passenger), who’s just hitched a ride with me for the rest of my life. He and I have made peace with each other, we cool now. I think even once he confided in me that his name is Frank, but no one had bothered to ask him before. 

In looking back, I can say two things really stand out in my mind as being the biggest challenges, one is hightsight=20/20 the other is still very relevant today. 

The first is that even though I felt what I now now is shame for becoming HIV positive, and had convinced myself that building a tough-guy wall to protect my secret from being a topic of gossip in social circles, and telling myself that I was strong, didn’t see any value in sitting around in rooms with other “newly diagnosed” men complaining about this new burden we were handed to carry, and basically just saying, look, I'll just do this myself, I’ll heal in silence...I now believe that a supportive and compassionate community of those who are either in the same place, or have been there would have been really helpful in helping me reconcile this change in life, and to help me feel not so alone and alien in it. 

Which leads to number 2... which really is poo... and that would be the lack of modern education and stigma around HIV that is still very very real today, and omnipresent. It’s a never-ending battle when you go out to meet new people, by and for whatever means, and you disclose that you are Undetectable. sometimes it’s met with silence and someone just falls off or fades, sometimes it’s meant with “I'm scared”, sometimes it’s met with “you seem cool but I don’t get with POZ guys”, sometimes it’s met with “I don’t know anything about that, please educate me, but I’m nervous and will have to think about it”, other times it’s “I just can't do this”, once it was “I’m on prep, but not comfortable sleeping with someone with HIV” it’s occasionally “I’m on prep, I don’t know your name but I want to do bareback”. Somewhat less frequently it’s “it’s ok I’m educated and totally cool with that”, and sometimes it’s even “me too”. 

I want to be a helping voice to anyone who may need it. That is one of my main goals for the year. If you, or someone you know has any questions they would like to ask me, about my HIV experience, my med experience, general HIV dating or living with it or whatever, or just want to support of a good listening ear, please send me a message on here and I'm happy to start a dialog or help where I can.

I want to be an ally, and a friend to those also in this struggle, or maybe you are a friend of someone who is or just found out and you aren't sure what to do or say, I'm a good sounding board.

Let me know in your message if you'd like to keep your username confidential and I'll make it anonymous if I post it on the blog. So floor is open, anything is fair game.

Posting here is infrequent I know, mostly because I don't really have a dialog with anyone on here, it's just me writing to myself. Maybe in the beginning, at my time of diagnosis the things I had to write about were relevant to people going though that experience. Or the experience of starting meds, or the fear around living with HIV.

So it's a new year, and I will make it a goal to write here as I can, as I have something I want to express. Even if it's just writing for myself, in a public space, maybe someone one day will read this and find it valuable, if only to know that our experience as humans is similar, that we all think feel hurt just like the next. So no, we are not alone, we are all connected.

So in this new year I've given a lot of thought, and explored a lot of feeling about what a great year might look like.I don't know that I'm quite there yet, but I am working to figure it out. Best thing I've done is just give myself a lot of clear free time to do so.

I wanted spend the holidays without the loaded emotion, so I spent them alone. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve. All in my own company, single and solitary. I admit it felt a little sad that I did not get invites to participate in any festivities, I chocked it up to being what I wanted. but in my heart I knew what I longed for: home. And not home like the one I grew up in, but a sense of home... Someplace warm and caring and supportive, in the company of those who cherish your company and you cherish theirs. A place where you are inspired and encourages to be the best man that you can be. A place of comfort and joy, comfort and joy. While I do not have this currently, I still have it as an aspiration, as a life goal.

This last year has been one of clearing a lot of space. Eliminating the clutter of bad habits and so-called friends so the space exists for new habits and honest life-enriching friendships to develop and grow. I'd like to say it felt like a nobler cause, and that it felt easy. But infact, it felt pretty lonely, and sometimes isolating and sometimes sad. The further I moved toward what felt right for me, the less connected I felt to those around me. It was easy to feel like it was me, not them that was broken. But in the end I did choose to have nothing over things that were not working for me.

The last two weeks of the year, while I was isolating from public and my normal routine, I mostly self-medicated with casual sex, lots of it. Basically anyone who was attractive and interested I was game to play. And I did, sometimes 3 or 4 guys a day. All trying to feel better, or maybe just to feel. I needed that experience to release myself from the rigors of this last year. So many expectations of myself, so many restrictions, so many rules. for two weeks I just turned all that off and thought, and wrote, and screwed, and eventually, felt.

The feeling that came up most was "what's the point". Like why bother. why bother continuing to try to meet people. why believe that love exists. why believe that someone will see the value in you beyond your big dick. why believe that while I am frustrated and blocked and HIV positive, that I am still deserving of comfort and love. Why believe that someone who will take your breath away, and will continue to for a lifetime exists?

I guess I continue because it's the only choice, really. I keep waking up every day. And probably will for another 50 years or so... So if I'm going to keep waking up, I'm going to have to do the best to make this life feel worth living. Not just existing, but enjoying. Will I get there? I don't know. But I have to have hope, and faith. I know that the core of who I am, my innermost self is the same as he's ever been. And same person he always will be. Yes, he has been hurt and rejected and misunderstood, but he is still a kind and valuable man. And deserving of love.

Wishing you all a happy new year.