Every single word Ollie says sounds the sameāyour fault. You fucked up. Youāre wrong. Itās your fault. And all Eli wants to do is nod and say heās right, even if itās not actually what his husbandās saying. Heās in his head again but this time he isnāt trying to run awayāheās looking for the right thing to say. But thereās nothing. Everything that comes to mind feels like itās only going to make things worse. But maybe thatās the point. Maybe thatās what they need to make things better again.
āOllie, thatās not fair. Bringing the accident into this. I told you I fell and that needsĀ to be enough for you, you know that.ā Heās always operated on the less Oliver knows, the better rule, thatās the only way Eli can can sleep at night without feeling guilty about putting his family in potential danger. Itās always been like this and Eliās always made it clear, that this is how he needs to handle these things. āAnd I told you what I needed. I needed you. Just you. To be there. Thatās it. I donāt know what else you expected from me.ā Eli still avoids looking at his husband as he talks but then he finally does look up at him and tries not to break down in front of him. Not again.Ā
āAnd Iām angry. Iām so fucking angryĀ and thatās the problem,ā he says; Eli sounds frustrated and his voice rises in volume just a little. He covers his face with his hands and groans, trying to piece his thoughts together. It doesnāt work, everythingās still a messāwhat did he expect.Ā āI donāt like me when Iām like this. I donāt like being angry because it reminds me of how I used to be when things were bad for me. And if I hate myself when Iām like this, IāIām afraid youād hate me like this, too.ā
He turns to look at Ollie and at first, he wants to wave the apology away, say that Ollie shouldnāt be apologizing. Maybe he should just shut up and take it, though. Maybe he needs that.Ā āListen, Iāmāfuck, Iām not keeping shit from you because I donāt think you canāt handle it, I do that because I love you. And thatās how I try to show it, by trying to give you as little reason for worrying about me as possible.ā Too bad it backfired.Ā āI canāt just talk to you about how I basically daydream about putting a hit on that motherfucker or how every fucking time I see him on the street, I have to try really fucking hard to make myself walk the other direction. Or how much Iād love to put him in the hospital.ā
āThatās not the kind of shit you want to hear. And I donāt even like talking about this. I told you, I hateĀ myself like this.ā
As his husband speaks, Oliver just listens. Brows furrowed, heart thumping. Thereās newfound guilt pooling through him, a sudden tidal wave of regret for unleashing these untapped feelings that swarm him like a patch of bumblebees. He fucked up. Not Eli, not anyone else. Oliver messed everything up.Ā
He continues to listen, the nervousness making a home inside his stomach increasing by the second. His eyes dart between the wall and Eliās face, watching as it scrunches into the familiar state of sorrow that he often tried to hide.Ā
When the premise of hating Eli comes in, the words moving out through the air and hitting Oliverās ears in moments, his mouth opens a tad, about to say something.Ā āWhat?ā He asks breathlessly, his gaze now glued to Eli and only Eli.Ā āI could never hate you. Never. Youāre the only person Iāve ever really loved inside and out. More than anyone.ā One hand swats the air as if to prove his point further, a look of true desperation cascading across his expression.Ā āWhy do you hate yourself when youāre angry? Youāre supposed to be angry. Youāre human, Eli. Everyday I get scared that youāre gonna pop like a balloon because you keep reverting into yourself. It scares me, especially since I donāt really know what you do everyday. In the club, at work. Iām in the dark.ā
One hand reaches up to cup the side of Eliās face then, Oliver moving himself closer to the other man. Thereās more guilt plowing through him at the way he silently likes the idea of Eli wanting to hurt Hallen. Damn, Oliver, youāre really fucked up, is all he can think to himself now. It does still shock him to say hear Eli speak like this. So open, vulgar. Once again, Oliver is a little speechless. Silence comes once again.Ā āIāve...shit,ā He says,Ā āIāve never heard you..talk like that before..ā
After speaking, his hand travels, moving over Eliās beard and then down his mouth and to his neck.Ā āItās the truth, though, isnāt it? I want the truth. No matter what it is. But, I ā I wonāt push it anymore, if thatās what you want..ā Just as before, he swallows hard, also attempting to muster his thoughts in a coherent manner.Ā
For a moment, he removes his grip on Eli, turning back towards the front of their room, resting his hands in his own lap.Ā āI could never be with anyone else. Or love anyone else. Ever. I hope you know that,ā Itās another confession, one that scares him too. Loving someone so much sometimes seemed so futile.Ā āEven when we broke up all those years ago. I just always thought of you. Always. Iād bring men home and Iād say your name by mistake and they wouldnāt even realize..ā Oliver shrugs a little,Ā āAnd then when Hallen kissed me, after all my stupid pleas for attention, I just wanted you there. I didnāt like tasting him. I wanted you to justĀ ā wash it off me somehow.ā Now Oliver was crying. It wasnāt a wail or sob, tears just fall down his cheeks without a trace.Ā āThat fucking terrifies me sometimes. How much I love you. As I get older, it gets so scary..ā