Sleepless Nights

…and you tried to change didn’t you? closed your mouth more tried to be softer prettier less volatile, less awake but even when sleeping you could feel him travelling away from you in his dreams so what did you want to do love split his head open? you can’t make homes out of human beings someone should have already told you that and if he wants to leave then let him leave you are terrifying and strange and beautiful something not everyone knows how to love.

Hello My Name Is immigrant  ; and I’m sorry the edges of my broken English are so sharp that they leave your ears bloody. My mouth is trying to swallow a whole other Tongue. Hello My Name Is  go back if you don’t like it here ; and I’m comprised of 3 jobs, in each I am invisible. I’ve slept under so many bridges, People ask if I’m a troll. I’m struggling to stitch a future from broken fragments of the past, crushing up parts of my self to make a paste and hold it all together. Last night I slept on Hope but I was blanketed by Fear. Hello My Name Is   … what are you even eating.. ; and the only time I can mimic safety is when I eat my homeland’s food. The soups are the waters where I swam for fun, the sautéed vegetables are the hills and trees I ran through, the spices are the twinkling stars at night. Sometimes, I forget the strength of the blood running, jumping, coursing, through my veins. Am I still worthy? Hello My Name Is   they’re all so dirty ; and my hands are cracked from the pressure, caked with the mud that comes from trying to make stubborn ends meet. I watch you stare at my odd clothes; your scared glances keep feeding a monster in me. The secret is: I balance precariously the line between the Yin and the Yang, neither one nor the other. Neither here, nor there. Too much of both to be at peace in a place other than a wanderer’s arms. Hello My Name Is immigrant ; And I’m Here, to stay.

My therapist told me something meaningful yesterday, she said “It’s important to remember that when you’re depressed you have to nurse yourself and be extra gentile towards yourself. Just like an athlete wouldn’t break an ankle then force themselves to run that ankle. They rest as it heals and do not think “I am a failed athelete” they think, “right now something isn’t working so i’ll take care of myself until it does.“