Dead with the dying , born with the Dead

A descent through hope, stagnation, fear, and the mind's slow unraveling. Some parts are intentionally fragmented to reflect the narrator's mental state.

Content Warning: Depression, suicidal ideation, psychological distress, and strong language.

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A dreadful afternoon,

There I am sitting in my room, with a soft, plush bedsheet whose long fibers made it feel almost like a soft cotton duvet, a surprisingly clean room, dark, with the curtains drawn, and well if you're wondering, it isn't really my room.

Here I am in my auntie's house doing nothing, well I also wonder how I ended up here.

Summer holiday from college, yes that boy or a man, 20 yrs old, there I am in a small house, two bags, one I attached to my chest over my shoulders and the other on my back, with a mini-box (luggage if you will) which had a handle and wheels from which I used to pull happily out of the estate down the sidewalk.

The end of the semester, summer holiday.

I got a cab, put my luggage in the trunk myself.

(How rude are the drivers nowadays?) huh.

Got in the car and we then set out to our destination.

Looking at a few high-rise buildings with air brushing past my face and my left ear, I felt relief as if all my problems had been washed away, as if I had finally walked away from it all and we soon reached our destination, quite a surprise indeed because it usually took longer, s**sigh**s it seems I spaced out again.

So I took my luggage out of the trunk of the car with my bags attached again like I earlier did and I entered a house.

A house I wished and prayed to not set foot in, but has somehow become my safe haven.

:my auntie's:

The main entrance.

I turn the door handle, push, and then enter the house.

For some reason, it is open.

I see chairs downstairs and wonder if she got new chairs.

Then I walk up the stairs.

There I am at the second entrance.

My heart a little uneasy.

Saying my prayers.

Hoping my uncle, who is also my cousin, isn't home.

Then I enter.

A look of surprise in her eyes, my auntie's, and her housemaid's (a distant cousin of hers).

She then asks, "I thought you were coming tomorrow?"

But I told her,

"No, I said I will show up either today or tomorrow."

She smiles and says,

"Well, you are welcome."

"Amy, get his bags to the other room."

And so she does so.

I am in this room, beautifully decorated, looked like a room newlyweds would like to consummate their marriage in, in awe but also with a look of surprise as I hadn't expected this.

First day was good, a variety of dishes served.

First night I had the best sleep I haven't had in a looooooooong time, I had thought this will be my big break, the 3 months where I will make it big, because I had figured out after solving one of my serious problems, the answer and solution I always knew, preached but never consciously pursued, was action, all I needed to do was take action.

I was enthusiastic, I even created a new group online with some friends about to profess this most grandioussa and simple idea of mine, :action:, what a miracle it was, the world finally spinning in the right direction.

Second day was good too, not as much as the first.

Third day was the day a friend invited me to a barbecue party, which was a blast apart from the transportation which my friend said he was going to settle, now draining my pockets for no reason.

C'mon bro, you have more than me yet you want to drain me for the little I have?

I thought.

I ventured back to my :auntie's: with a little feeling of hope and also dread as I have now emptied my pockets.

Fourth day, I had just finished making research on the business I was thinking of starting, I had not only thought of the idea and the prospects but the downsides and all the things that I could think of at the time that could possibly go wrong, wrote down the problems and their solutions, drafted a business plan and all the rest.

By the time I was done, I had a piercing headache.

It definitely wasn't easy. But I steeled my resolve...Just for another headache to hit.

As I realized finding the capital would be hard.

After drafting this plan and properly going through everything, success was inevitable because I had considered everything, the bad even more so than the good, all I needed was money, but I promised to never take out any interest loans, how I ended up in debt.

So I met my aunt and I asked her if she knows anyone who is willing to part with 3 or 5 million? adding :after 5 yrs if I can't bring profit they can have my hands and feet: but then she laughed.

I laughed as well with her, hint of bitterness in my soft scoff as I felt on edge.

Fifth day, my Wi-Fi subscription just expired along with my phone as it fell into water the night before glorious hah?: no way to contact everybody.

I can't leave the house when I want, even to just take a walk, you might feel free but just know there are eyes watching and knives behind your back to repeatedly backbite and say bad things about you just because of a seemingly simple thing as going for a walk.

So I continue reading a novel I have.

1 week passes, my 15th day, a Saturday.

I feel caged in the raging long and short sword of the clock, with the longer hand leading the march to end my time in a frenzy.

A dreadful afternoon and so here I am again, sitting in my room, with a soft, plush bedsheet whose long fibers made it feel almost like a soft cotton duvet, a surprisingly clean room, dark, with the curtains drawn.

:I feel like a bum:

My phone's spoilt, I have no money, I can't contact anyone, I am losing my mind, carefully I am :scbcidshcbkjdcjdsbc: what just happened?, fuck, I am now senile, haven't I gone through enough?, haven't I experienced enough pain?####******&&&&&&suffereeeed enough???,

goddamit I am losing my mind, what do I do?, let's do 30 pushups, my scapular winging will not be an excuse anymore, who gives a fuck if there is an imbalance, let whatever's gonna happen happen, it's not like I plan on living any longer.

No, I do not feel like I wanna take my life :life:, I have images glitching in my head, what I get for having a very vivid imagination, I cannot watch movies to pass time nor do I want to read, my head feels :blank:,

##I amseriously%&** considering getting a loan even if it's from a loan shark%$$388, if I end up losing my head at least I tried to make something of my life, I am dropping out, I wanted to take a gap yr but what gives, who even cares, I don't want to do anything anymore I just want to be free, I want space, I want to live, no I want to die, why do I even exist why am I thinking like this, I am a bum :worthless:, what the fuck is going on with my mind, I had ascended mentally just to fall even harder, what to do, where to go, madness is seeping, feels inevitable, action I need to take action, I need to do something i n4eecdc to%%$#@$***::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

There I am on a bridge, filled with crippling anxiety, serious tingling in my feet, with a resolve that could shake the heavens :( well you may ask why I won't use it to shake the world, but I have realised that isn't all it takes, hence I said :could:) about to jump and then...............................................................................................I finally let go.

I jumped.

There's a strong breeze brushing against my body, especially my face, 

I then start to wonder

whether I made the right choice, and as my life flashes before my eyes, I see every single memory, even those I wasn't aware existed or rather had forgotten, flash through my mind as my brain fries itself trying to find a way for us to survive. There I am, close to impact. There's a tingling feeling,

As I approach the ground, the tingling feeling in my feet increases, but all that comes out of my mouth is.........................I'm glad: with tears rolling down my cheeks with a sense of relief and plop, I am dead, finally free.::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

There it is again, caught myself playing victim but truthfully I feel trapped like a child in a cage surrounded by cannibals, like something is bound to go wrong the next minute, all I need to do is have hope and everything will go wrong.

I am aware that my thoughts will dictate how I behave and in turn affect my life but I haven't seen the result of being positive and working towards something with tireless effort, it all feels like a waste...............................':::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

There's always this raging inferno inside of me telling me to let it rip, it's quiet now but all the more why it scares me, because it's like hot blood pumping through my arteries, my head keeps flashing images of me finally losing my shit, letting it rip, destroying shit, finally making people close to me understand how I really feel, but truth is, I don't even feel the anger anymore, yet the images linger, has it taken another form?, is it a sharp blade now instead of a fire?, cause I am scared as shit for myself.;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I had always simulated sui::de so I can die multiple times in my mind so I could allow my body get the feeling it might bring so that I might have the courage one day to do it, just like the day I finally had the resolve just to receive an I love you message from my mother.