Untitled

thank you for the attention u've given my persona under my recent posts. i didn' t expect that my in my own eyes rather mediocre works would get any likes. my experience with internet activity, cut short in the early years of my life usually ended in nothing but silence. though sometimes it went differently.

i ve absolutely no one to share this with, i have no friends. so i'll tell you instead.

the work is a reflection of long years of my loneliness. even in a crowd i felt extra and unnoticed, even when i was in a relationship i felt extra. living in another country i often find myself thinking back to my first love, in ukraine. it was a bitter but valuable experience. in that relationship i felt protected, and yet wounded, both at once.

my ex-partner held traditionalist views. he was strong, physically and in spirit, or so it seemed to me back then. when the war started my ex went straight to volunteer since he had a military education. he wouldn't listen to me. i wanted to help him... but he threw me out of the house.

and i decided to go back, to my relatives. my first experience of emigration happened back in early childhood so this decision was fairly obvious to me. slovakia feels, in a lot of ways, more like home to me than ukraine does. which incidentally also caused friction in our relationship. he really didn't like how often i traveled abroad. he was a big patriot. honestly, it was largely because of him that i stayed in ukraine in 2020 even though i could have gone back to study in slovakia.

i don't hold a grudge against him despite all this. i tried not to even think about it kept myself busy with other things.

but recently he wrote to me, which caught me completely off guard. we hadn't spoken since 2022. i didn't read his message right away. something i regret now. he told me he's in captivity and that he deeply regrets the choices he made, that he's grown disillusioned with his ideals. i read it and understood he's an entirely different person now.

there's no future for us. not even a hint of one. though i'm still tormented by the thought what if there's some way i could help him? some way to pull him out of his unenviable situation?

I go absolutely nuts when he does this specific eye thing where they're like wide and shi!??