standing ovation at the gallows.

I apologize so much if this is hella cheesy and maudlin. I always feel so bad congratulating myself or being stoked about myself. It definitely comes from being in this place for the last two years where I was gutted of confidence and I'm just rebuilding. I feel really proud of the things, what feels like baby steps, to recovering and getting myself back on track and God, what a fucking nightmare process it's been. 

I've had this tradition with myself that on Valentine's Day where I usually treat myself to dinner, buy a new dress and make it a feel good day. Sounds pretty standard and it became really important for me, as a perpetually single person (I don't say this sadly, just like, that's my marital status) that I never leave myself out or carry this day with negativity, but I make myself my own sweetheart and I also try to celebrate the day with friends and in other ways because there's so many kinds of love to celebrate today despite the intimate focal. 

This year I didn't find a dress at the thrift store but this shirt and I saw it and it just hit me. This year's Bae is Baltimore, this year's MVP is me. 

Valentine's Day marks nearly six months of me living in Baltimore city and it marks 4 years since I moved to Baltimore in general to attend UMBC. It's been an incredible and crazy and sometimes terrible and heartbreaking time and yet I've never once regretted the move. 

The move has given me so much, hard and painfully earned knowledge about myself and allowed me relationships I would never want to part with even if I regret the worse moments. They are just that. Moments and I hope to continue to move on, to get better and roll with the punches. Moving to the city has presented me with all sorts of opportunities but has also seemed to be transitory point for me from one of the literal worse times of my life.  

The last year saw me at my worse. A bad friend, a bad daughter, and bad to myself. So it is just beautiful that I'm here now, feeling more healed and I feel more able to help those around me and think clearer. I think even when I first moved into the city, I was still reeling, I was still feeling scattered and incomplete. In many ways I'm still broken and yet I feel as if the pieces are drifting closer and I've got a chunk of the puzzle together and I'm just curious as to what's the bigger picture when I finish putting myself together.