𝑃𝐸𝐴𝐶𝐸.

⌠ GIANCARLO COMMARE, 23, CIS MALE, HE/HIM ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, THOMAS “TOMMY” BLACK! according to their records, they’re a THIRD year, specializing in PROTECTION & ENFORCEMENT + AWARENESS TRAINING, BREATH CONTROL HAND TO HAND COMBAT; and they DID go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of (disheveled brunette curls, the soft strum of an acoustic guitar, cigarette smoke clung to a white t-shirt, and a serious, unwavering gaze). when it’s the (pisces)’s birthday on 3/08/97, they always request their PASTA BOLOGNESE from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. ⌿ deanna, 25, she/her, est ⍀

Stella knows what she’s risking by asking Tommy this, but their relationship is built on risks. Tommy’s secret spy track, Stella’s violent lineage, lies and guilt and regret. At least when she risks the dreamy landscape they’d just danced within, repairing their relationship these past few months, she can say it’s by choice. They’re standing close and she’s giving him a chance he never gave himself in hopes that, if they can finally face what might always linger above them, they may be able to release it. In this way, they can set each other free. Her breath is steady only as a distraction, counting the seconds between inhales until she’s short of breath. He speaks and her eyebrows perk in anticipation, chin cocking to better see him. Eyes trickle down to his hands as he reaches for her, settling her nerves in a single gesture, to be met with a relieved smile that her risk had not shunned her. The soft skin of his thumb draws her fingers to comfortably sit in his palm before her focus returns to his face. She wants to see him when he speaks. If her senses fail her and the sounds begin to warp, she can read his eyes. 

Stella searches his eyes as he searches for words, and a breath catches in her throat when he carries on quicker. Tommy isn’t saying anything he hasn’t before but this time is different. The way she’d flinched at his touch in the Abandoned Chapel doesn’t reflect in how she currently squeezes his hand. The cold anger and betrayal she’d harbored by the time they spoke in the Astronomy Tower stretches miles away from the affinity that encourages her smile. He mentions Vito’s and her family and Stella feels she might cry but instead she laughs lightly with wet eyes and lets her head fall fleetingly, afraid she might miss something. There’s a completeness in the way their stories have so seamlessly aligned. She can always hold onto him not being the one to say goodbye, but how can she stay angry at his reasons when they share the same face as her own? He pauses to brush her hair and she tilts her head against his palm, breathing in the earthy air indulgently. Her free hand rises to keep his hand there a little longer, rubbing her thumb along the outside, before she finds herself holding both his hands between them. There’s a certain sadness in his smile when he finishes, but she can’t mirror it for him, because while these aren’t the circumstances she’d fantasized meeting him again, she doesn’t know if she would have made it through this year without him. He was arguably one of the hardest parts about it, just as he was arguably one of the best. She takes a deep breath just the same and caters to the shivery fuss in her abdomen–one of excitement, of nerves, of risk. “Thank you.” She starts. She takes one long, final look at him, and he looks sad, a bit tired, but he is beautiful like an old movie. She thinks he would shine without color. 

Stella can’t find the words to say goodbye to him in a way that feels all encompassing, so just as they’d danced, she follows his lead. “Being in Italy was the best time of my life.” Those times with and without him. “But…it is time for me to go. And…and maybe not entirely because I want to leave, but because I have to.” She repeats his words back to him, her own experience coating it on the way out. “You’re still the person who knows the most about me, and that…I believe that will never change. And it’s..it is because I love you that I have to go. You deserve more than what I can offer you. We both know perfect…it does not last.” Lips pressing together, she could argue this is a testament to that, how perfect it felt to dance with him in the garden, but she doesn’t think this moment is anything short of perfect in its own way.  “But I don’t want you to…” she shakes her head, his words on repeat so she could preserve them, they fall from her tongue so effortlessly it’s as though he’s written them for her to give to him. “I don’t want you to think any of this has to do with how I feel about you.” At some point she’d craved escaping him but leaving now, while she knows they need the time apart, is not personal. “I love you–” she says again, earnestly, clenching her grip, giving it a few seconds to exist out there alone–without reason, without regret, without circumstance “–always.” It feels like she’s been holding onto it with white knuckles for weeks, forcing it back down inside her but it feels good to be able to tell him. She understands why he had to do the same. She pulls a hand and wipes her cheek, words speeding up at the burst of release in her chest when she says it. Her voice begins to crack. “I don’t expect you to understand why I have to do this but I-I hope one day you can forgive me. That’s a future I’m holding out for.” Stella accepts that maybe they had their chance and it was magical. She’s made peace with it. It may seem unfair that this is how they’ll part but she knows in her chest, against her own heart, it is what she has to do. Maybe they will never be able to be together, but she wants to live in a world where one day they can fully forgive each other for everything they’ve ever done. His other hand drops and her thumbs come to stroke beneath her eyes, a shy laugh built from joy and clarity and love. “Goodbye, Tommy.” 

NOTHING ABOUT HIS GOODBYE IS PARTICULARLY NOVEL. in fact, he’s pretty sure he had said nearly all of it during their first few conversations at gallagher, at the abandoned church and the astronomy tower. but any explanations he had given her back then were sprinkled in with empty apologies, trying to atone for sins he was only half aware he had committed. it’d take the whole school year to learn that such sins and distrust would only heal with time and effort on their side, and even now, it doesn’t feel completely OVER until tommy’s able to get off his chest the goodbye that never was. if he squints at her, he can probably mistake their surroundings for a milanese garden they’d stroll through while taking the long way home from dinner, and it wouldn’t be hard to imagine italian lyrics to go along with the faint music coming from the ballroom. the goodbye he gives her is one of a young man, nearly still a teenager, but tommy’s never felt more aged than he does now, unlocking the ability to move forward by getting it off his chest. when he had left stella in italy, part of him had been stuck there as well, haunting the piazzas he had once known so intimately. perhaps he had never been able to feel as happy as he had been in italy because he had left too much of himself in the country :   at vito’s restaurant, at the park, at their old flat. but there’s a stirring in his chest when he’s finally finished with all he has to say, as if those old pieces of himself have finally been returned to him. except one, tommy thinks, as he takes his time cradling stella’s face when she keeps his hand on her cheek. he had given estella manchesi a piece of himself when he had given her his heart, and he can’t imagine ever getting it back. he wouldn’t want it, anyway ;  it was hers to do what she pleased with it. 

for days tommy had been dreading this, knowing they’d be walking out of each other’s lives tonight, potentially for good. what he hadn’t anticipated was the catharsis that comes with this moment, from a goodbye years ago he thought they both would never get. and with that behind them, the rest seems suddenly a lot more simple. it takes him a moment to realize what she’s doing, but a small smile soon flickers on his lips, head nodding slowly as he gives her the time and attention she had just given him. he only breaks their eye contact once, having to glance away to catch his breath, feeling his chest tighten with emotion. him and stella reuniting at the abandoned chapel at the beginning of the year had been the first and only time tommy ever cried on campus, and he’s not looking to break that streak now, even if these tears aren’t sad. it’s a large swirl of emotions — relief, pride, nostalgia, longing, love — and for once, tragedy isn’t written in this moment. they’ve had enough tragedy in their lives, both together and separately, and he’s sure there’s more to come. yet none of it can touch them right now, no matter how small and fleeting the moment may be. tommy’s gaze only finds hers again when she says three little words with a very big impact, brown eyes quick to dart back towards hers, holding her gaze despite her tears threatening to get in the way. i love you. always. they feel like both a revelation and a reassurance — not something he had ever NEEDED to hear from her, but it will make the following days, weeks, months without her easier. no matter what’s happened between them, whether their roads would cross again or stay parallel for the rest of their lives, it won’t take away the love they have for each other. for someone who seldom asks for much, it’s more than tommy could ask for.

“ i understand, stel. ”   his words are quiet as he gives her a final, solemn nod. and he does get it — there’s a reason why their goodbyes parrot one another, because despite the time and setting and circumstances being different, nothing between them has really changed. they’re still both from different worlds, heading into futures that won’t align, and yet they still love each other. parting with her isn’t easy, but the grief is NOTHING like what he had felt after leaving her years ago. it’s the end of a very satisfying chapter, one they’ve written together, and tommy will hope that perhaps one day they’ll get their epilogue. thomas black isn’t a religious man, but he’s found faith in brown eyes and a dreamy smile. eyes flicker to the tears she wipes away after releasing his hands, and while it’d be so easy to reach out and brush them away himself, it’s no longer his job. but he will take a step towards her, bringing his lips to brush against her forehead, keeping them there for a few seconds longer than necessary. when he steps away again, he knows it’ll be for good.   “ arrivederci, stella. ”

Pulling away from Tommy is inevitable; Stella wonders if maybe it always had been. She was naïve in her youth to think life would make things easy for them, that they would make it easy for each other. Stella can’t attest to chance, and they may share differing opinions on luck, but she believes fate’s hand has always pressed the small of their backs, pushing them toward each other. She feels equally blessed that life has chosen to make things easy for them right now, even for just this moment. That’s how this kiss feels, easy. It serves different purposes for them but they both get what they want out of it, whatever that may be. What they seem to agree on is this is more a goodbye kiss than something to dissect, but Stella knows pulling away from Tommy is inevitable. She’s pleased he makes no grand attempts to quicken it, and instead holds her to him, eyes on each other. Huffing an amused laugh, she feels warm under his attention. “And I suppose you are a bit spontaneous, after all.” She says quietly, playfully coy. Her fingers in his hair loosen when he says what she presumes to be the line to part them, and she wistfully surrenders him while taking a step back. Soon this moment will be another memory. Stella realizes, with her eyes dancing over his pink lips, his flushed complexion, the line of his shoulders, that this is the goodbye he’d once stolen from her. She’s felt his breath blend into hers; he is no longer a ghost. "We were never strangers.” She says assuredly, but those parting words remain unsatisfying. Her chest inflates with the few seconds before commitment, where time makes room for reconsideration. She breathes it out, making her next precarious choice of the evening. Stella knows easy is what she’s risking, yet she looks up at him with with the remnants of a smile on her lips. “I thought that I had lost the chance to say goodbye to you years ago.” They can dance for as long as they’d like, their steps will always echo. “And I’ve been trying not to think about it but I…it’s important to me that we…” She meets his gaze, a quiet plead in her eyes. She imagined what he might’ve said to her over and over. If what will always hold them back is what never was, this may be their last chance to resurrect it. “If you could have done it yourself. Back then. What would you have said to me when you came to say goodbye?” 

OF ALL THE SPONTANEITY HE’S DONE IN HIS LIFE, tommy wouldn’t count kissing stella moments ago to be a part of that. to him the kiss was inevitable, something he had been counting down to do since they had laid together in her dorm weeks ago. still, her coyness makes him chuckle, a nice distraction as she pulls away from his arms. the night suddenly feels a lot colder without her warmth, but tommy supposes that’s something he’ll have to get used to. her words make him smile slightly, and he nods in agreement, thinking about how even through the worst of it this year – even after finding out about her fiancé back home, and her running away from the most important people in her life – tommy had never once felt like he didn’t truly know her. despite wishing they could spend the rest of their evening together, he knows that stella has a lot of other goodbyes to give tonight, so he gives her an out to leave while she still can. so her hanging back makes him pause, heartbeat picking up at the mention of missed goodbyes from the past. if her question isn’t enough for the air to suck out of his lungs, the way she looks up at him certainly does the trick. forget being cold without her moments ago ;   his body suddenly feels warm all over. tommy takes a long, deep breath, bringing his hand to scratch the side of his chin. he’d be lying if he said their goodbye that never was isn’t one he’s thought of before, many sleepless nights writing and rewriting a scene that would never happen in his mind.   “ well, ”   he’s slow to start,   “ i probably would’ve started by sitting you down, and taking your hands, like this. ”   tommy takes a step forward so he can reach for them, thumb brushing lightly against the back of her hands. his eyes lift to meet hers, trying to imagine how sick to his stomach he would’ve felt doing this four years ago, and how steady he suddenly feels now.   

“ i would’ve... i would’ve told you that you knew i had only come to italy for holiday, but obviously stayed because i had met you. and how i had been planning on going back to school after a year, but clearly that didn’t happen. ”   also because of her. tommy pauses for a moment, emotion swelling his chest that he has to settle. when he starts again, he can’t get himself to stop.   “ and how being in italy was the best time of my life, even if i had to work in a sweaty restaurant, and i never got to meet your whole family. but it was time for me to go, not because i wanted to leave, but because i had to. all my life, i had been working towards a future for myself, the same future as my parents, who had... had done everything for me, really. and it was because of them that i had to go back and see it through, because i owed them everything, including a future they’ve already invested so much in. ”   reaching up, tommy brushes some windblown hair out of her eyes, smiling weakly. it’s bittersweet, realizing how some things haven’t changed.   “ i probably would’ve told you that there were some things i never told you about my past, just like i know you haven’t told me everything either, and that’s okay. you’re still the person who knows the most about me, and that probably won’t change. but not all of it is good — i kept things from you because it was too dangerous, actually. and it’s because i love you that i’d have to go, and probably wouldn’t be able to contact you afterwards, both because i don’t want you get wrapped up in any danger, and because you deserve a lot more than what i can offer you. our time together was perfect, but perfect doesn’t last, and we both know it. but i don’t want you to think any of this has to do with how i feel about you, because... i loved you, so much, ”   he whispers. tommy doesn’t need to say it in present tense ;   they both know better.   “ and i always will. walking away right now is the hardest thing i’ll probably ever have to do, and i don’t expect you to understand, but i hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me one day. and maybe in the future, we’ll be able to find each other again, ”   he smiles sadly,   “ and things can be different. that’s a future i’m holding out for. ”

“I’ve heard France is lovely this time of year. It’s quite close.” Her lips purse playfully. Stella imagines wherever Tommy is in Switzerland that Italy will always be closer; he carries a part of it around with him wherever he goes. But she furthers the conversation from herself because the more she teases the more it starts to sound like an invitation in her own ears, and if he asked right now with the wine warming through her and that look in his eyes she might not tell him no. She’s lost sight numerous times tonight of what’s best for her, and up until now she’s made every precarious choice she’s been faced with and it’s unlikely she’ll conclude. This past year has made it crucial to believe in chance, that some things are out of her control. Looking at him now, it’s hard not to reflect on when she’d first laid eyes on him at the Masquerade Ball. She knew him from the curve in his neck, from the slant of his jaw under his mask. She feels silly now, as her eyes trace the bridge of his chin, to believe there ever was a time she didn’t know him, to think chance could define them. “Luck seems too simple a word.” She admits rhetorically. She feels lucky but luck implies stagnation. They’d worked for this; this dance did not come without swelled feet and bruised toes. When she slows to speak his name she holds a question on the tip of her tongue, lips parting prematurely but she’s stunted by the cool absence of his hand on her back. Stella’s eyes drift when his hand meets her cheek but they rise slowly, just in time for his lean. Her inhale pulls him in with the air, and the kiss is softer than she’d imagined. Stella hadn’t intended to kiss Tommy tonight, but the thought of kissing him is something that’s been swirling inside her since the moment they met. He kisses her and her body knows her better than herself, because she’s kissing him back without thinking, without considering if there are consequences. She doesn’t care. Her hand slides from his chest and gentle fingers skeptically tickle up his neck before creeping into his dark curls. She tries to savor it, kiss him slowly before their lips part for a breath; she exhales awed against his lips, not yet pulling away. Part of her knows this rapture is momentary. 

       IT’S TRUE THAT GENEVA IS FAR CLOSER TO FRANCE THAN IT IS ITALY ;   it’s also true that france hasn’t once crossed his mind to visit this summer. he’ll chalk it up to the fact that he’s been there already, and not because he doesn’t have anybody worth visiting in the country. luck seems too simple of a word. they’re the words last spoken before he leans into her, so it’s no surprise they’re the ones echoing in his head as her lips meet his. tommy’s never been one to believe in luck, knowing that good things come to those who strive for it, and sometimes even then it doesn’t always work out. everything he’s ever gotten is because he WORKED for it, and him and stella have certainly worked for this new relationship between them, taking a disastrous departure a few years back and molding it into something beautiful, something that allowed them to be in the position they’re in now. tommy’s never thought of himself as a lucky fellow, but maybe they do have something on their side, something intangible that he can only pinpoint in the way their lips move slowly against each other’s. the arm around her waist tugs her closer until their chests are rising and falling in a rhythm similar to the way they were dancing moments before, hand still cradling her face as he breathed her in. it wouldn’t be a kiss that could last forever, and tommy knew that — nor was it passionate, or frenzied, or anything like so many of their past kisses. this kiss tastes of white wine and goodbyes, a goodbye that’ll never be expressed as well with words as it is now, because there’s really no words that can express just how much he’s going to miss her. his forehead rests against hers for a few slow heartbeats as they catch their breath afterward, not yet ready to pull away, his fingers moving to tuck some of her hair behind her ear. tommy only pulls away far enough to study her face tenderly, still inches apart, memorizing it. he could apologize for kissing her, but he’s not sorry for doing it.   “ you really do look beautiful tonight, ”   tommy says instead, voice soft. it’s more of a comment to fill the silence, but it’s clear from his careful gaze that it’s nearly all he can think about right now.   “ don’t be a stranger, alright ? ”

Stella hadn’t predicted a lack of hesitancy in Tommy’s touch. Part of her had imagined it, after months of uncertainty in every movement they made, she’d imagined it plenty. Part of her may have boldly requested it, she thinks, had he held her with any less confidence than he’s doing right now. She didn’t suspect she would be so adamant about not leaving campus in a few days without a moment like this, not until it was happening in real time. “True. Though there are certainly better places.” She says cheekily, knowing without specifics they’re in agreement. Fight her forever, no place will compare to home. But she’s not trying to insinuate anything; Stella also thinks it’s best they’ll find themselves in two different places this summer. They both need the time to figure themselves out without the weight she thinks their history might always hold, without the distraction of it. Despite feeling like they’re in a much better place now, a few more weeks together and she’s not sure what would have come of them. Stella would’ve hated for another surprise circumstance to muddy what they’ve worked so hard to rinse, but it’s likely she’s less worried things might’ve gotten worse as she is they might’ve gotten better. She doesn’t need any more reasons to stay. “But Switzerland is new, something different. You deserve that.” She says softly. She thinks he deserves whatever he wants, but sometimes something new and different is what someone needs. At least, that’s what she’ll be telling herself as she tries to face her life head on, as she plans for departure, as she plans for their final goodbye. “Perhaps we are both lucky.” She feels lucky, this moment feels lucky. Truthfully, not even in her better daydreams could she had predicted a closing so refreshing. The sound of the wind rustles through the garden holding them like a musical jewelry box. He winds it up when he twirls her; she feels like she’s spinning at the center of everything. Her giggle chimes and she curls back into him, and like every ballerina in a music box, her song is short lived. “Thomas?” She says lightly looking up at him, doesn’t dare step out of line as they move, but her dancing slows. 

      “ IS THERE ? ”   he gives her a look, as if tommy would ever dare actually argue with that logic. they both know switzerland vs its neighboring country is hardly a debate for the both of them, but he doesn’t exactly know what to make of her comment. is there an unspoken INVITATION in that, or is he just hearing what he wants ?   either way, he’ll try to keep his distance this summer, although tommy doesn’t account for the random text here and there he’ll eventually send to check in on her. no matter how much or how little they keep in touch this summer, she’ll be on his mind a lot. her summer’s going to be far more difficult than his, after all. tommy offers her a kind smile when she wishes him a positive change in his life, regarding the switzerland internship. he doesn’t care much about the work, but he IS looking forward to the unknown that comes with some traveling before and after, and even during. tommy’s never been to swizerland before ;   it had been on his itinerary before getting lost on italian streets, chasing after a local.   “ maybe we are lucky, ”   he says, tone nearly as soft as hers, almost afraid if he speaks too loudly it’ll scare away the music. the music from the ballroom may be impossible to hear by now, but if it is tommy doesn’t notice, their own melody ringing in his ears as they move together. despite everything that’s happened between them this year – after the last three years – it’s hard not to feel more blessed than anything, every new moment with stella feeling an awful lot like living on borrowed time. he’s not sure that feeling will ever stop, them cheating fate, even if he doesn’t know when they’ll get another moment like this. and it’s because that unknown that tommy doesn’t want to look back on this night with any regrets, especially as their bodies slow and stella looks up at him with big, beautiful eyes. if he thought about his next actions too hard, tommy’s sure he would’ve talked himself out of it — which is why his mind falls silent as he moves a hand from her back to cup her cheek lightly, thumb stroking her cheek before he leans in to close the space between them. the kiss is gentle but not tentative, because it’s exactly what he’s wanted for a LONG time now, perhaps since seeing her in the abandoned chapel back in october. but he gives her the opportunity to pull away if she wishes, because he is aware he’s crossing a line. but when their time is fleeting, tommy doesn’t give a damn about imaginary lines they’ve been dancing around all year. 

      “  𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚕  𝚊𝚜  𝚘𝚏  right  now  we’re  gonna  aiming  for  lisbon  ,  barcelona  ,  geneva  and  possibly  finish  off  our  trip  in  london  .  ”  she’s  pretty  excited  for  this  trip  .  it  was  unfortunate  that  she  had  to  reschedule  it  last  summer  because  of  the  berlin  internship  .  she  notices  how  tommy’s  smile  doesn’t  quite  reach  his  eyes  when  she  confirms  her  departure  .  this  is  what  she  wanted  to  avoid  .  “  don’t  be  .  it’s  not  your  fault  ,  ”  she  smiles  softly  before  bringing  her  glass  up  to  her  lips  .  “  thanks  tommy  .  i’m  sure  we’ll  still  see  each  other  .  ”  she’s  always  assumed  that  she’ll  have  to  experience  gallagher  without  tommy  for  a  year  .  funny  how  life  works  .  “  maybe  more  so  than  when  we  used  to  as  kids  .  it  beats  the  10  hour  flights  .  ”

charlie  can’t  help  a  bit  of  laughter  at  that  one,  eyes  fluttering  to  the  ceiling.  “  of  course  she  is,  ”  he  sighs,  because  it’s  just  another  example  of  how  inescapable  stella  is.  she’s  everywhere.  “  yeah,  but  we’re  at  a  party,  and  i  know  you’re  going  to  have  questions.  ”  he’d  certainly  have  a  list,  if  he  was  in  tommy’s  place.  but  it’s  that  last  bit  that  gets  to  him  a  little.  “  i  don’t  know,  ”  the  boy  starts,  the  corners  of  his  lips  falling  into  a  frown.  when  you  know  someone  best  through  lead  pencil  and  scraps  of  notebook  paper,  doodles  in  margins  and  stamps  on  an  envelope  …  you  aren’t  thinking  about  them  in  a  way  that’s  tangible.  in  charlie’s  adolescent  years,  his  last  physical  memories  of  anya  were  the  ones  that’d  been  forged  when  their  families  got  together.  during  mealtimes  and  playdates,  picking  the  seats  closest  to  each  other  at  the  dining  room  table,  or  exchanging  made  up  stories  and  tea  parties  in  the  girl’s  childhood  bedroom.  after  that,  she  was  rendered  a  voice.  she  became  his  conscience.  he’s  gradually  begun  to  look  at  her  differently  since  she’s  come  to  gallagher,  things  like  touch  and  proximity  bringing  them  closer  together,  in  a  new  way  …  but  he  tries  not  to  think  of  anyone  like  that,  let  alone  anya  casiraghi.  she’s  just  another  person  who’s  much  too  good  for  him.  “  it  doesn’t  matter.  ”

Stella nods with understanding, ever familiar with the concept of running away. “Sometimes you must do things for yourself. Take a break.” It doesn’t make him a bad person, because if he’s wrong for avoiding his parents with a summer trip, then she deserves to be doused in red. She speaks simply, also having considered what an alternate summer might look like, quenching a desire for a little more time before having to face the strife she left behind in Italy. Her family will still be there in August, she reminds herself, and being at Gallagher never did feel like much of a break. “Ah, well I am rooting for you.” If it’s normalcy he’s craving she can relate better than the next person, and she wants it for him too. If it had been chaos that he craved, she would have rooted for him just the same, even if she lacked the understanding. She won’t press her thumb into a mold that isn’t hers, trying to learn from the things that blighted her during her own healing. Their back and forth has always been subtle, written in the tone of their voices, present enough for them to pick up but light enough for a stranger to miss. “How very spontaneous of you.” She plays, practically glides into position, and lacking any of the discomfort she may have felt at his touch months ago. Her other hand rests just below his shoulder, on the cusp of his chest, and her eyes stay on his face the entire time. With the way her neck tilts up to see him, hair falls off her shoulders, and she smiles coquettishly. “I like it much more when you do it.” So she lets him guide her, anticipates his steps like she already knows the route of his body. If she lets the music blur behind her she thinks it almost sounds like their song, she lets it hum in her head, an unexplained smile finding her lips. “Whenever I need it.” She answers vaguely, but there is no better descriptor. When she feels lonely, or stressed, but also now–when she feels recognized, serene. “You’re quite good. You’ve gotten better.” She squints and wrinkles her nose, softly shaking her head, teasing him. He’s always been graceful. 

      TOMMY’S NEVER BEEN VERY GOOD AT DOING THINGS FOR HIMSELF, at least not recently. the last time he had really tried indulging himself for an evening, he had brought a date to the cherry blossom event, which he had to hear about from numerous sources afterwards that he shouldn’t have done it. but a break is exactly what he needs right now :   a break from gallagher, a break from his family. maybe even a break from the two of them, if he’s thinking solely about necessity, because tommy knows it’s only going to take time and distance between them for him to fully move on from her. if even that.   “ there’s worse places to take a break in than switzerland, i suppose, ”   he smiles thinly. tommy will never hold as much fondness towards switzerland as he does the last country he tried to escape in, but it can certainly try to change his mind. there’s no longer any hesitance between the two of them, not for months now, so tommy’s hands on her are strong, a steady presence as he leads them dancing in the grass. the way their eyes don’t stray from each other’s once is an intimacy he’s been craving between them, and if it’s going to be their last night together for the foreseeable future, he’ll lap up every moment of it like a thirsty man finally given water.   “ i should feel lucky, then. ”   he knows what her relationship is to dance -- not how it is now, maybe, but how important it used to be. there’s a reason he had gotten so good at dancing, and it’s not just because of the unit he had to take on it in prep school.   “ it’s been awhile since i had a good partner, ”   his eyes sparkle, and he pulls her away just long enough to give her a little twirl, before his arm is wrapping around her waist, tugging her a little closer. a fond smile flickers on his lips as he’s reminded of the first time he had ever taken her dancing, far more crowded and music much louder than tonight, but even then he hadn’t been able to take his eyes off her. he almost mentions it too, but tommy wants this moment to live on its own, tired of feeling like their past has to define them.

Stella perks at his news, half because it sounds like good news, and half because he’s chosen to tell it to her. It’s a shift in dynamic she recognizes from other relationships this semester, the act of updating. It’s one thing to merely tell something lodged within a moment in time, and another entirely to update them on it, the different between talking about the past and talking about the future. “That’s good news, Tommy.” She smiles, but his sentence after makes her wonder if it only sounds good on paper. “You make a strong case.” She nods, she doesn’t love that he’s not happy about it. “You can’t change the past. But if there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that you also can’t rush healing.” This whole year has been about healing. “You don’t have to be upset or happy so long as you, well… just take your time.” She says with quiet care, a light suggestion she’s lived through. Past and present are both mistresses of time, best to love them slowly. Stella’s lips press together when she smiles, and she nods instead of words, unable to find any that match what she’s feeling. Leaving suddenly feels incendiary, and she hopes their parting doesn’t blow up all of their progress. She’s felt the confliction of knowingly putting distance between them their whole walk but she’s also recognized the truth, that even apart they are always together, somewhere beyond the explicable. Even if they don’t speak for a long while, they’ll still have each other to some capacity. “I’ll always be here.” She finally adds coolly, as if it’s a much tamer promise than it is. Stella laughs, shaking her head at him. “No, boring is boring. Deliberate is…thoughtful.” She says with a tip of her head, just shy of mocking him. She only watches him slowly, eyes following him as he sets the glasses down and turns back to her, settling her gaze on his hand before shifting back to his face. “Deliberate.” She notes the way he’d taken their glasses. It doesn’t stop the smile she puckers; it doesn’t stop her outstretched arm reaching for his, her hand resting in his palm like a puzzle piece. “Don’t let me lead.” 

       YOU CAN’T RUSH HEALING. it’s simple advice -- generic, really -- but tommy knows that when stella says it, it comes from a place of experience, and he doesn’t take that experience lightly. his father had kept things from him about the severity of his work, just as tommy had kept things from stella because of the severity of his future. in both instances, robert and thomas black had both chosen to let the love for their family lead the decisions they made, however poor it is. it’s not that tommy doesn’t understand why his father had done it, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to be able to look at him the same when he’s back in london, which hurts the prodigal son more than he'd ever admit. taking his time is sound advice, all things considered, and the smile he offers stella is nothing short of gracious.   “ it’s part of the reason i had looked for an internship elsewhere this summer, ”   he admits, another first he’s saying aloud. thomas black isn’t the type to run from things anymore, but maybe old habits die hard.   “ but thank you. it’s only a week at home, i should be alright. part of me is hoping things will feel more normal than i expect. ”   surely she must understand that sentiment. her telling him she’ll always be there is just a reiteration of their shred words moments before, but it does make the corner of his mouth twitch into a smile.   “ thoughtful, ”   he echoes, using a tone that is also a little mocking, but all in good fun.   “ i suppose i can settle for that. ”   lately his thoughts have been full of her, so she’s not entirely wrong. her callout makes him laugh for a moment, because tommy will admit he had only taken the glass from her to get one thing out of it, and that was the ability to tug her closer until there’s little space between them, his second hand resting right above the small of her back.   “ you say that as if you don’t like leading. ”   she certainly enjoys keeping him on his toes, one way or another. tommy thought it would be hard at first, ears craning to hear the music from the ballroom better, but it’s easy to fall into a rhythm of their own, as they’ve been doing this past year. it’s a beautiful night to be out here, the soft chirp of crickets and the occasional lightning bug out of the corner of his eye, but everything fades into the background as his eyes don’t stray from her.   “ how much do you still dance ? ”   he asks her, because he had forgotten how mediocre his moves felt in comparison to hers, although the swaying of their bodies right now don’t give either of them enough credit.

Good. A simple word that’s never felt so all encompassing. Normally it would feel like a weak descriptor when Stella’s feelings have hit a range over the year that far surpasses anything she thought her heart capable of. And yet, dumbfounded at the sheer simplicity of this exchange, hazy headed by the correctness of it, good has never felt so understanding. “Good.” She re-gifts, pursed lips taming a smile at the way he bows a little closer to her. It feels almost like nothing has happened between them but not quite, like everything has happened between them and somehow they could share a moment like this that feels like some things are still the same. At the corner where they connect their faces are always recognizable. Stella laughs, “Don’t think so little of your impact.” She teases genuinely, assuming even a man as traditional and stubborn as Vito felt Tommy’s absence. She can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t if he were to ever leave, and she realizes she ought to start prepping for the return of that feeling in the coming weeks. She should start prepping for a goodbye. He keeps dropping Charlie’s name and she’s not blind to it, and out of wanting to keep their final private moment tender, she won’t say anything poor about it. Literally, she won’t say anything about it at all. “I’m sure they’re happy to see you. It was an inevitable conversation either way. That simply isn’t the kind of thing you only speak about once, and then never again.” She says this hoping it’s also not something Tommy lets go of so easily for the sake of keeping the balance in his family. He deserves to talk about it more, should he need to. “But I am proud of you, for not avoiding them.” She smiles, she knows she hasn’t been as brave. Dropping her head back slightly with a faint laugh, she feels the slip of his hand from hers and stretches her fingers out, like she might catch it before it’s gone too far. “I did not say that.” She grins, finishing her wine at his gesture and passing her glass. “I think you tend to be more…deliberate. Though, feel free to debate.” She teases. Standing in place she looks down to pat her dress with both hands, as if making sure she’s presentable when there doesn’t seem to be anyone else around. 

       FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE TALKING TO HER TONIGHT, tommy feels a surprising squeeze of his heart in a melancholy way, when she tells him not to think so little of his impact. it’s a comment he’d normally be able to move past fairly easily, because they’re not strangers to dancing around the subject of the past. but right now the past feels very present, because they’re about to repeat history -- well, in a way. this time they can say goodbye, but it doesn’t make everything suddenly easy.   “ my dad and i talked about everything weeks ago, and i forgave him, ”   he tells her, because it’s not something he’s shared with her since, and after their conversation in her dorm he almost owes her that.   “ honestly, it’s easier to move past it than anything. i’m not happy about it, but... you can’t change the past. ”   he’s not sure what else there is to say about it, honestly ;   grudges are so tiring to hold, and tommy can only take his father off his pedestal for so long. all tommy can do is choose to take a path different than his father’s, and hope that somehow makes a difference in the world.   “ i appreciate that, ”   he says, a small smile on his lips.   “ would’ve been a lot harder if you hadn’t talked me off a ledge, so... thank you, for being here. ”   it’s going to be a painful adjustment losing her all over again, even if now he can pick up a phone and call her any time he’d like. it’s going to be hard steering himself away from italy during his travels this summer, but tommy can only remind himself that some distance might be what’s best for them. --- tomorrow, at least. tonight is another story.   “ deliberate sounds an awful lot like boring, ”   he laughs, although he doesn’t mind, because tommy’s the type of person who knows who he is, or at least he’d like to think so. he certainly feels less boring with stella, like he’s transported back in time to when he never thought about repercussions  ( well, for the most part ) .   both wine glasses in his hand, tommy sets them down on a nearby bench, before reaching his hand out towards her. there’s far enough away from the party where the music is only a soft hum of a melody, but he’ll pretend it’s loud as ever when he says :   “ dance with me. ”

“Good.” Since she has definitely spoken to them about Tommy which is the one thing she’ll omit. “I think I can manage to spend a dollar or two on a keychain or something.” Maire laughs softly, maybe it was something that she was already thinking about doing though there were way too many things going on through her mind. “You’ll have to come see me anyway, though, you know so we can do a take two of the portrait.” When she’s got a degree in art and everything. 

“  that’s  so  weird.  it’s  like  if  i  went  on  a  date  with  …  i  don’t  know,  martina,  or  something.  ”  although  cousins  would  probably  be  a  little  worse  than  best  friends,  charlie  still  can’t  imagine  being  with  someone  so  close  to  an  ex.  but  he  doesn’t  mean  to  judge  tommy  !  he  just  finds  the  situation  interesting.  he’s  very  excited  to  meet  nur  for  obvious  reasons.  “  i  said  it  was  nearly  an  argument,  and  …  it’s  complicated.  you  wouldn’t  understand.  ”  it’s  a  history  lesson  charlie  isn’t  sure  he’s  equipped  to  teach  —  he  doesn’t  know  what  his  brother  would  even  think,  learning  how  long  they  stayed  in  correspondence  without  him  ever  knowing.  he  gives  tommy  a  side  eye.  “  i  know  she’s  lovely,  i  don’t  need  you  to  tell  me  she’s  lovely.  ”  pardon  charlie  for  getting  a  tad  defensive,  but  he’s  insulted  tommy  thinks  he  needs  someone  to  point  that  out  to  him.  this  entire  conversation  is  just  very  uncomfortable  for  him  !  “  it’s  just  …  she’s  my  friend.  she  doesn’t  see  me  like  that.  ”  or  at  least,  he  never  thought  about  her  seeing  him  like  that.  he  thinks  it’d  be  impossible  —  she  knows  too  much.  anyone  who’s  seen  that  much  should  surely  be  scared  away.

      “  𝚒𝚝’𝚜  𝚗𝚘𝚝  .  but  the  drama  is  unsuspecting  .  and  it’s  not  like  you’re  self-aware  about  it  ,  ”  she  playfully  teases  .  “  yeah  ,  we  do  it  every  year  .  get  together  ,  travel  somewhere  .  ”  speaking  about  it  makes  her  realize  how  much  she  misses  them  .  “  oh  congrats  on  your  internship  .  i’m  sure  you’ll  do  VERY  well  in  geneva  .  but  yeah  maybe  we’ll  cross  paths  .  or  at  the  very  least  ,  i  have  a  feeling  i’ll  spend  a  couple  nights  in  geneva  .  ”  brings  the  glass  up  to  her  lips  to  take  a  sip  .  she’s  caught  off  guard  at  his  question  .  and  for  a  moment  ,  lari  contemplates  whether  or  not  to  tell  him  .  in  the  end  ,  she  doesn’t  want  to  lie  to  him  .  she  knows  it’s  an  answer  he  doesn’t  want  to  hear  .  but  they  did  talk  about  this  a  couple  months  back  so  tommy  knows  that  there  was  a  chance  that  she  wouldn’t  be  returning  .  “  i  won’t  be  coming  back  in  the  fall  .  i’ve  renewed  most  of  my  certs  so  i’ll  be  back  in  paris  in  the  fall  .  ”

charlie’s  rather  certain  he  was  never  wrong  about  his  perception  of  the  color  turquoise,  but  now  a  part  of  him  won’t  be  able  to  rest  until  he  sees  the  dress.  he  isn’t  going  to  trust  tommy’s  judgement  on  it,  because  while  it  isn’t  saying  much,  he  does  reckon  he’s  always  had  a  slightly  better  sense  of  style  than  his  brother.  surely  he’d  be  a  more  proper  judge.  he  isn’t  enough  of  a  prat  to  mention  that  tommy  looks  like  he  went  for  both  saint  and  sinner,  but  he  surely  thinks  about  it  as  he  eyes  his  brother’s  suit.  “  she’s  fallon’s  best  friend  ??  i  have  a  few  choice  words  about  this,  and  i  don’t  think  you’ll  like  any  of  them.  but  good  for  you,  i  guess.  ”  charlie  isn’t  sober  enough  to  comprehend  the  fact  that  tommy’s  ex  would  be  okay  with  him  going  on  a  date  with  her  best  friend.  it  just  sounds  messy.  “  it  doesn’t  matter,  i’m  just  curious.  if  we’re  going  to  be  traveling  with  her,  i  should  probably  know  the  whole  story.  ”  in  other  words,  charlie  is  nosy.  “  no  one  knows  who  i’m  talking  about,  tommy.  it’s  fine.  ”  he  rolls  his  eyes  at  his  brother,  because  he  doesn’t  know  what  else  he’d  call  her.  he  doesn’t  even  know  that  it  matters,  to  have  a  proper  title.  using  a  word  with  less  bite  wouldn’t  change  the  situation.  he  just  thinks  he’ll  have  to  live  with  it,  hoping  there’s  no  future  birthday  parties  they’ll  have  to  be  at  together,  or  worse  …  a  wedding,  if  tommy  and  stella  ever  decide  to  kiss  and  make  up.  the  thought  nearly  makes  him  ill.  “  yes,  tommy  !  we  nearly  got  into  an  argument  about  it,  when  she  told  me  …  though  that  sounds  a  lot  worse  than  it  actually  was.  it  was  my  fault,  really.  ”  he’s  rambling  a  bit,  having  never  reflected  on  any  conversation  he’s  had  with  anya  out  loud.  those  moments  are  typically  reserved  for  quiet  nights,  or  the  other  end  of  a  lead  pencil.  his  brother’s  next  question  makes  charlie  choke  on  his  drink  a  little,  letting  out  a  small  cough  before  looking  to  tommy  with  raised  brows,  “  excuse  me  ?  no  !  blimey,  tommy.  ”  charlie  feels  like  he’s  literally  going  to  die  right  now.

Maybe that’s something that will be their always affliction: never feeling like they’ve had enough time. She’d felt that when he died, and it’s odd to feel a different shade of it now that he’s alive. She settles with this outcome being necessary, that more time might send them into another pit of pandemonium, why fantasize when she can enjoy the fleeting fulfillment of what’s happening right now. It’s easier to let go with him when she’s not sure if she’s letting go of him. Not to overthink the way their hands are locked, or the way the moon casts over his cheek bones. So she keeps her smile soft, even when her heart sighs at the reiteration that her opinion means anything to him. Her expression only twitches at the pull on her hand, lightly requesting her body to halt across from his, and she keeps her eyes on his face. She hadn’t considered the distance between his internship and Italy until he reiterates it, and she doesn’t know what to make of the feeling bubbling in her stomach. It was easier not to think about things when they felt bound by Gallagher, when their comments about always being there for each other felt true but not solid. “I know, Tommy.” Her voice is soft and firm. She doesn’t know if he’ll be the one she reaches out to first, but she imagines he’ll be the one she’ll reach out to at her worst. His words ring in her head. Let me be here. He’s been telling her that in his own various ways for months and she’s finally ready to allow it. “And…maybe I don’t need it,” she repeats him, squeezing his hand “but I want it.” 

Stella laughs lightly, taking the opportunity to lose his gaze for a few seconds. “We can both agree to pardon our biases. Our little secret.” She suggests. Toward Italy. Toward each other. Like they’re making a pact to agree Italy is a place they’ll always go back to metaphorically, no matter where they are. She’ll go back and pass Vito’s and think of him and maybe one day he’ll have a coffee in La Pergola and not bother to reach out to her. Maybe she’ll be somewhere else entirely. She doesn’t know if they’ll ever be able to visit together, not with their biases. She brings her wine to her lips to drown the wondering, wishing she had somewhere to drop off her near empty glass. “I will.” She laughs, but she means it. “Though I can’t imagine Vito’s all that happy, having to hire new staff on such short notice.” She teases without thinking once about how crazy it is to be able to tease about this, about what happened between them. “Oh, are you excited to see them?” The last time they spoke about his parents he was having a life crisis. The mention of Charlie makes her swallow and nod, not considering he wouldn’t be traveling alone. “Traveling is always more fun with company.” At least it’s his brother, and not someone else. “Spontaneous?” Some of her previous levity returns, a smile forming; that’s not exactly his brand. “Sounds like trouble.” The sweetness in her voice doesn’t quite match her words, more amused and fond at trying to imagine what that means for him. 

THEY’VE TALKED ABOUT WHAT LIFE OUTSIDE OF GALLAGHER LOOKS LIKE FOR THEM BOTH :   her with the family and husband she ran away from, and him with his father who kept a major secret from him for years. they both come from two very different worlds, so it’s not a surprise that despite all their talk, the conversation had never skewed once on whether they fit in each other’s lives outside of the school. there are some friendships from gallagher that won’t hold up past the walls of the academy, relationships built on shared classes and convenience. even some family friends who he’s known his entire life will slowly fade out of it, something that is inevitable without distance and time on your side. him and stella could very easily leave this night and decide to part ways as exes on good terms, and tommy could use that distance to mend his heart back to something close to what it had looked like before estella manchesi had stepped foot in gallagher academy in the beginning of the year. but to ignore the connection between them would mean giving up something tommy’s not yet ready to let go of, something he’s not sure he’ll ever be able to. he can’t even let go of her hand right now, not even when he takes a step closer towards her, neck craning down a bit to meet her eye. he’s not sure what he would’ve done if she didn’t accept his offer, but he feels the soft squeeze of her hand ricochet across his body, warming his blood. with a small smile, tommy bows his head in a small nod.   “ good. ”   

he keeps the closeness between them because he’s grown accustomed to it over the weeks, likes being close enough to notice her eyelashes flutter in the moonlight.   “ deal. ”   there’s a smile on his lips as he says it, amused at the thought of a secret shared between them, after so many secrets had been poisonous to them over the years. he could point out he had told vito he was leaving, but doesn’t like what that implies -- that tommy had decided which goodbyes he could handle, and which he couldn’t.   “ he never liked having an englishman working for him. i’m sure he’s fine, ”   he says fondly. it was no secret that vito referred to him as l’uomo inglese for the first three months he had worked in the restaurant, expecting that tommy would never last. it ended up being something the two could laugh about, vito and his wife allegra becoming the closest thing to parents he had while in italy.   “ i am, ”   tommy nods, thinking about his own parents.   “ i wish i didn’t have to go all the way back to london just to see them for a week, but it’ll be nice to be home. charlie hasn’t talked to our dad yet, about all the stuff written about him in the book, so i’m not looking forward to that conversation. ”   even if it doesn’t exactly concern him, anything involving charlie concerns him. he’s testing the waters of talking about his brother with her, because if they’re going to stay in each other’s lives, tommy doesn’t want to have to shield one important part of his life from her.   “ do you think i can’t be spontaneous ? ”   he laughs, then finishes the rest of his wine. then he finally releases her hand so he can stretch it out, motioning for her to pass him her nearly empty wine glass. 

“  mine  for  sure,  ”  he  nods  sardonically,  a  testament  to  the  woes  of  being  charlie  eaton.  “  sorry,  i  didn’t  realize  you  were  so  advanced  in  color  theory.  she  could  be  going  for  both.  how  well  do  you  know  her,  again  ?  ”  he  thinks  it’s  worth  asking,  though  he’s  mostly  just  being  a  dick.  “  i’m  not  exactly  happy,  but  it’s  hard  not  to  feel  a  little  relieved.  i  mean,  you  imagine  it.  your  brother’s  in  love  with  your  enemy,  your  cousin’s  closer  with  your  enemy,  your  best  friend’s  best  friend  is  your  enemy.  should  i  keep  going  ?  ”  he  realizes  the  term  is  highly  dramatic  —  he’s  never  once  loathed  stella,  regardless  of  how  his  actions  may  portray  it.  he’s  fascinated  by  her  in  pure  honesty,  and  there’s  the  thought  that  if  so  many  people  in  his  life  get  along  with  her,  surely  he  would  have  too.  having  so  many  people  he  cares   for  rave  about  her  presence  …  it  feels  like  some  big  secret  he’ll  never  be  let  in  on.  there’s  shame  in  never  getting  the  chance  to  know  what  he’s  missed.  to  show  himself  as  the  person  everyone  tells  him  he  is.  but  in  stella  manchesi’s  world,  he’ll  forever  be  the  boy  who  waged  the  end  of  a  world,  and  in  charlie’s,  she’ll  be  another  open  ended  regret  —  something  he’ll  never  forget.  and  though  the  price  of  walking  cautiously  around  these  halls  is  hardly  anything  compared  to  what  he’s  put  her  through,  he  won’t  act  like  her  leaving  isn’t  a  giant  sigh  of  relief,  straight  from  his  chest.  he  shakes  his  head,  “  she’ll  be  fine.  anya’s  seen  enough  of  me  to  last  her  a  lifetime.  you  don’t  even  know.  ”  he  really  doesn’t.