🌿 𝒔𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏

SEVEN.  —  a  charlie  self  para

– “C'MON,” SHE LAUGHS, NUDGING HIM BACK WITH HER OWN ELBOW, “ i’m just teasing you. ” she makes a face, scrunching up her nose, “ you know i don’t mind whatever you have to say. i like hearing what you’re thinking about. all of it. ” so, she thinks she’s earned the right to tease him because more than anyone else, she wouldn’t mean it. anya bottles up her personality a lot of the time around people, tries not to stand out or be too memorable in case the impression she leaves is unlikeable. but with charlie, it spills out over the edges, and she doesn’t mind if she leaves a bit of a mark behind because she’s comfortable with the impression. she can’t help but be herself around him. “ it’s not your fault, ” she repeats firmly, leaning into his touch as his fingertips brush over her cheeks. it was a big part of her life, so she was bound to think about it, and money is something that comes up more often than she’d like. it’s funny how you don’t really notice money until you don’t have any of it. “ but thank you, that’s kind of you to say. ” he’s being polite. she appreciates it, though, and she knows the puffiness will subside momentarily as long as she can distract herself. for all of charlie’s bravado in proposing this now, he’s going to have to bring it up again because anya won’t. she’ll be nervous that he didn’t really mean it about paying for her, and she won’t want to be the one to push it if it was just an offer made after a couple drinks. still, it’s not the first time she’s thought about seeing more of the world with him, all the times that he’s brought up his travels with her she’s wondered what it might be like to be there, right alongside him. there’s the usual voice in the back of her mind that tells her not to get her hopes up, but she can’t help it – she’s beaming, caught up in his smile and the sweet way that the corners of his eyes crease when he’s happy. her expression softens for a beat. “ i always worry about things, ” anya reminds charlie, because it’s practically a personality trait of hers though a therapist would just call it anxiety. “ but okay, we can talk about it. i want to know everything. ” basically, she just wants to be included, and surely she’ll be excitedly sending him ideas once she’s more comfortable.

once, when anya was fifteen, she’d written this : “i’m so frustrated with my parents. it feels like i could stand in the center of the room and scream and scream and they wouldn’t even look up. my mother would probably say something like, “ that’s nice, honey. ” i just don’t know what to do. i feel like no one here notices me and i don’t know what i’ve done wrong.” it’s essentially the dramatic diary entry of a teenage girl, but anya is still trying to grow out of that. most of the time she has felt overlooked, unnoticed unless she did something absolutely drastic, something like nearly getting herself killed. charlie has never overlooked her in such a way, and even now, his eyes meet hers in a way that makes her feel like he really SEES her. she doesn’t feel forgotten or misunderstood in the slightest, in fact, she feels so completely at ease. it’s impossible not to adore someone who impacts your life like that, and the way she feels for him runs so deep that she doesn’t think she’d ever be able to get it out of her. she has never had a friend like him, and she probably never will again. she wonders if back then there was some intrinsic part of her that knew how special he was, some instinct that drew him to her – but even as the thought crosses her mind, she knows that’s not true and there’s no need to overcomplicate it. as a child, it’s much more simple than that, you gravitate toward comfort and the things that make you happy. she chose him because he looked at her like he saw her, spoke to her like he knew her, and that hasn’t changed over the years.

anya notices how quickly he finishes the glass of water in his hand, and she hopes she’s subtle about the way she trades their glasses, casually replacing his with hers while he’s speaking about the terrace. “ okay, let’s walk, ” she agrees, “ but i can carry my own heels, charlie, it’s okay. ” she instantly feels a little more free when they can head out the door onto the path, undoing the strap on her heels so she can carry them while they walk. it takes her down a few inches, even shorter in comparison to charlie’s lankier stature. however, she feels more free, more relaxed, and maybe a bit pleased with the thought that her mother would hate how completely unladylike this behavior is. the only regret she has is that she doesn’t have a free hand to hold his. it’s lucky the stars are bright tonight. “ i’ve never taken my heels off at a party before, ” she says, holding them up, “ i feel sort of rebellious. ” 

“  i  know,  ”  charlie  starts,  shaking  his  head  with  a  flutter  of  his  eyelashes.  “  just  be  careful  what  you  wish  for  —  it’s  going  to  be  a  long  summer,  and  we’re  allowed  to  text  now.  i  can’t  promise  i  won’t  spam  your  inbox  a  little  bit  —  but  i’ll  spare  you  anything  past  midnight.  ”  it’s  meant  to  be  a  joke,  though  perhaps  there’s  some  truth  there.  charlie’s  been  known  to  text  rather  unashamedly,  and  it’ll  be  no  different  with  anya.  he  reckons  tommy  should  thank  her  —  she’ll  be  getting  all  the  thoughts  that  don’t  go  into  letters,  now.  the  tinier  things  he  doesn’t  have  time  to  ruminate  on  or  forget.  it’s  a  domain  they  aren’t  quite  used  to,  and  he  hopes  the  illumination  of  daytime  anxieties  won’t  discourage  him  from  reaching  out  to  her.  anything  beyond  midnight  will  be  savored  for  letters,  regardless  of  whether  he’ll  actually  send  them.  “  you  don’t  have  to  thank  me,  ”  there’s  a  small  breath  of  laughter  at  the  thought,  and  charlie  doesn’t  know  that  she  understands  he  isn’t  saying  it  to  be  polite,  or  to  make  her  feel  better.  rather,  it’s  because  he  means  it  ...  he  hasn’t  ever  said  anything  to  her  that  he  doesn’t  mean.  there’s  no  should  be  no  question  of  whether  anya  casiraghi  is  beautiful  —  she  always  has  been,  always  will  be.  from  the  smallest  fibers  of  her  soul  bared  onto  parchment,  to  the  way  her  eyes  glitter,  and  the  way  she  just  shines  without  ever  having  to  try.  it’s  impossible  not  to  recognize  her  radiance,  even  when  he’s  only  reading  her  through  a  thin  page  of  paper.  it’s  the  kind  of  beautiful  that  doesn’t  dim  with  time,  for  it’s  so  well-ingrained  in  her  bones  in  a  way  that  spans  beyond  mere  looks.  he  tilts  his  head  at  her  softened  expression.  “  i  can’t  blame  you  for  worrying  ...  but  i  don’t  want  you  to  feel  like  you  have  to,  ”  charlie  starts,  though  he  knows  all  too  well  you  can’t  simply  shut  off  anxiety.  “  i  just  ...  i  want  you  to  enjoy  yourself,  is  all.  no  weights,  nothing  to  stress  over.  i  know  i  haven’t  got  the  best  track  for  staying  organized,  but  it  isn’t  my  first  time  planning  something  like  this.  i’m  plenty  capable,  you  know.  ”  he  says  it  with  an  amiable  grin,  to  show  there’s  no  malice  in  his  tone.  charlie  doesn’t  always  do  a  great  job  of  showing  it,  but  he’s  thoughtful.  even  despite  every  destructive  tendency,  he  couldn’t  mess  something  like  this  up.  “  i’ll  keep  you  updated,  but  you  can’t  know  everything.  there’s  got  to  be  some  surprises.  ”  charlie’s  got  the  upper-hand  of  having  spent  six  months  in  greece  prior  to  his  first  year  at  blackthorne  —  he  knows  enough  of  the  language,  and  all  the  best  places  to  eat,  to  see,  to  experience.  he  wants  to  share  it  all  with  anya,  to  watch  her  feel  the  joy  he  can  never  quite  shake  when  reflecting  on  his  adventures.

the  glass  of  water  is  switched  so  seamlessly,  charlie  hardly  registers  it’s  a  different  cup  as  he  brings  the  chilled  rim  to  his  lips  again.  it’s  an  easy  flow  to  fall  into  when  you’re  with  someone  you  trust  so  completely  —  anya  could  talk  him  into  anything,  even  without  trying.  he’s  too  entranced  by  their  interaction,  anyway,  his  gaze  devoted  to  her  features.  the  blue  of  her  eyes,  and  the  way  they’re  more  cerulean  than  his.  he  gets  tired  of  the  grey  of  his  reflection  —  but  hers  is  something  he  could  get  lost  in.  there’s  the  slope  of  her  nose,  and  the  curve  of  her  lips  ;  the  way  her  cheeks  turn  rosier  when  she  laughs,  as  if  the  sheer  act  is  something  to  feel  shy  about,  no  matter  the  joke.  in  all  his  twenty-some  years  of  knowing  her,  chalie’s  never  wanted  anya  to  feel  she  has  to  shrink  herself  when  she’s  around  him.  he’s  always  preferred  the  opposite  —  getting  to  know  her  in  a  way  that’s  unapologetic,  as  if  he’s  got  a  front  row  seat  to  the  cinema  of  her  imagination,  her  deepest,  innermost  musings.  he  wants  to  devour  what  little  time  they  have  left  together,  for  tomorrow,  they’ll  be  back  to  nearly  four  million  feet  separating  them.  back  to  letting  weary  days  and  hazy  nights  quiet  the  sound  of  her  voice,  blurring  the  candidness  of  her  features,  the  delicacy  of  her  touch,  and  the  way  his  fingertips  seem  to  buzz  as  they  trace  her  skin.  he  wants  to  enjoy  these  six  inches  while  they’re  still  a  luxury  they  can  afford  —  it’s  only  inevitable  the  summer  will  be  less  sunny  without  her  around,  and  perhaps  it’s  embarrassing,  but  he’ll  count  down  the  days  until  she’s  breathed  into  existence  once  more.  separation  will  be  easier  to  bear  after  greece,  knowing  there’s  a  shorter  span  of  time  between  their  next  encounter.  in  all  his  years  of  academia,  he’s  never  once  looked  forward  to  standing  at  the  foot  of  another  long  school  year  ;  but  as  he  stands  in  this  ballroom,  he  thinks  there’s  a  thousand  tiny  things  that’ll  make  it  all  worth  it  —  and  anya  casiraghi  is  worth  more  than  all  of  them,  combined.

        THE SLIGHT SMILE ON TOMMY’S LIPS IS HUMORLESS, because there’s nothing really funny about stella being a constant in his brother’s life, even if it’s arguable that it’s something he deserves. charlie pointing out that tommy will only have questions is annoying, because obviously he’s going to have even more questions if he’s told NOTHING. there’s nothing more annoying than someone dangling missing information in front of your face, and sometimes he feels like charlie does that on purpose, to get him to bite, so tonight he’ll let it lie.   “ you don’t know ? ”   it doesn’t seem like a question that’s very hard to answer – but this is charlie, and tommy’s seen how complicated he’s made his relationship with sloane in the past. he won’t point out that it’s a yes or no question, and tommy ALMOST lets him off the hook and changed the subject — but god, he HATES when charlie gets self-deprecating.   “ i mean, if you like her, i’d say it matters. ”   his words are gentle, because he knows it’s not charlie’s fault his brain seems to tell him otherwise.   “ just because you’re… going through things right now doesn’t mean you should shut yourself out to something that could be good for you, you know. you deserve to be happy. ”   whether it’s sloane, or anya, or anything else. it’s not lost on tommy that they seem to never be able to NOT have a heavy conversation, but this is so not the place for it ;   with a tired laugh, tommy takes a long swig of his drink.   “ christ. ”

– ANYA SUPPOSES THAT IF ANYONE’S GOING TO BE UNCONDITIONALLY IN HER CORNER, it might as well be charlie. he’s already been offered every warning label that she could possibly come with, knows all about her family, her past, and the things that scare her. he’s the only person in the world that knows how she got the weird scar on the back of her left knee when she tried to climb out her bedroom window, just to see if she could ( it’s in one of her letters, the angle she’d fallen at illustrated with a diagram. ) so to speak, he’s best suited for the job. charlie always speaks in such absolutes, and there’s a pull at the corner of her lips only because he’s so dramatic. anya just shakes her head slightly without the energy to argue with him because she doesn’t think that’s true, she just isn’t a burden because she tries so hard not to be. she’s made herself small to the point of invisible sometimes to keep from troubling others, and she hopes one day she will have the confidence in herself to believe she is the person that charlie seems to see in her. 

“ alright, alright, ” anya concedes, “ i just had to push a little to be sure, i know you’d tell me if it was genuinely irritating to you. you do love to complain, ” she tries to lighten the mood, though the fond smile on her lips might betray her a little bit, it’s almost too soft. unlike herself, charlie isn’t exactly subtle when he isn’t the biggest fan of someone, but that has always been good for anya to be around someone where she never has to worry where she stands. if there is room for interpretation, insecurities will have her assuming the worst. anya cringes slightly at the sheer volume of charlie’s voice, announcing to everyone in the nearby vicinity that she’s a sensitive baby. she tries to blink the tears back but they wind up running down her face as charlie’s fingertips wipe them away. “ yes, i know, ” she says with a laugh, because his reaction was so amusing to her that for a moment she nearly forgot why she was starting to cry in the first place. “ i just…i thought about last summer and i just got sad for a moment. i’m okay, though, ” she adds with a sniff, “ i’m trying not to look like a mess. ” charlie pulls her close quickly and she wraps her arms around him, welcoming the initial comfort that comes from it. the smell of his cologne lingers along with the scent of alcohol, and it occurs to her for a moment that maybe a holiday alone with charlie for such a period of time might not be the most positive thing for her. there’s also the thought that makes her feel like it’s not fair, that other people wouldn’t have to worry about things like that, and she’s tired of not doing what she wants out of fear. she puts it out of her mind for now and listens to his advice. “ okay, ” she nods, pulling back from charlie’s embrace and so that she can look up at him properly, “ yes. ”

charlie has a luxury anya doesn’t have right now, and it’s the liquor coursing through his bloodstream. it gives him the ability to not overthink every move he makes, to act on instinct. anya is keenly alert and not afforded the same luxury, aware of each idle movement of charlie’s hands, the way his touch lingered on her for so long. she’s sure it wouldn’t have if he were sober, but that doesn’t offer an explanation as to why she feels so affected. they talk about everything, and normally he would be the first person she’d turn to in order to work out a mess of her own thoughts, but she won’t bring this up. he’s still her best friend, though, and maybe that’s exactly why. “ i was thinking the same thing, ” she agrees, features lighting up in response, all too quick to not allow this to end. tomorrow, she has a plane ride back to italy, full of daunting prospects : looking for a job, breaking that news to nico, visiting her parents…it’s going to be a much different summer than ever before, and that’s partially why she’s in no rush for this night to end. she’s also just having a good time. she’s light on her feet as she makes her way back toward the bar, two glasses of water in hand when she turns back to him, pushing the cup into his grasp. “ to the terrace ? or should we walk ? ”

he  shakes  his  head  at  the  comment,  though  it’s  in  good  nature.  he  might  be  offended  if  it  was  anyone  else,  but  this  is  anya.  he  has  no  reason  to  feel  insecure  with  her.  “  you  think  i  love  to  complain  ?  blimey  ...  you’re  starting  to  sound  like  tommy,  ”  charlie  jests,  giving  her  a  light  nudge  with  his  elbow.  it  makes  him  feel  better  when  he  sees  her  smile  again,  though  he  can’t  help  feeling  a  little  guilty  for  getting  her  to  that  memory  in  the  first  place.  “  that’s  my  fault,  ”  he  frowns,  though  he  doesn’t  want  to  dwell  on  the  bad  right  now.  they’ve  got  all  summer  for  that.  he  wants  to  enjoy  their  last  night  together.  “  but  you  look  lovely,  really.  tears  and  everything.  ”  it’s  another  attempt  at  making  her  feel  lighter,  although  he  does  truly  mean  every  word.  he  doesn’t  think  anya  could  look  like  a  mess  if  she  tried.  as  their  embrace  ends,  his  hands  drop  to  her  arms,  grasping  them  lightly  as  he  grins  at  her  acceptance.  a  bystander  might  think  he’s  out  of  his  mind,  merely  proposing  the  idea  because  he’s  had  a  little  too  much  to  drink  and  he’s  feeling  impulsive.  but  in  spite  of  his  tendency  to  be  spontaneous,  charlie’s  truthfully  been  thinking  about  this  for  a  lot  longer.  he  always  raves  about  his  travels,  recounting  stories  and  imagery  seemingly  straight  from  a  painting  ...  but  like  the  shared  adolescence  that  was  stripped  from  them  when  they  were  young,  spending  holidays  together  is  another  thing  they  never  had  the  fortune  of  experiencing.  he  thinks  they’ve  earned  it.  for  the  year  they’ve  both  had,  and  for  the  sake  of  getting  to  be  someplace  where  it’s  practically  impossible  to  feel  low.  “  perfect.  i’m  truly  so  happy,  ”  he  smiles,  the  corners  of  his  eyes  crinkling  as  a  breath  of  laughter  falls  past  his  lips.  “  i  can  pick  you  up  in  tuscany,  and  we  can  take  the  ferry  ...  i’ll  work  out  all  the  details.  you  won’t  have  to  worry  about  a  thing.  ”

their  entire  interaction  has  charlie  thinking  back  to  his  conversation  with  tommy  from  earlier  in  the  night,  when  his  brother  asked  him  if  he’d  ever  looked  at  anya  as  more  than  a  friend.  it  caught  him  off  guard  in  the  moment,  a  frown  turning  onto  his  features  as  he  combed  through  the  few  physical  memories  they’ve  shared  together.  there’s  enough  that  he  can’t  help  the  fondness  he  feels  when  thinking  back  to  the  family  gatherings  that  brought  them  together  —  but  they’re  also  distant.  scarce.  prior  to  last  school  year,  the  sound  of  her  voice  ringing  in  his  ears  was  that  of  a  faraway  melody,  muffled  enough  that  if  he  wasn’t  careful,  he  could  lose  it  to  radio  static  and  the  scratch  of  a  warped  vinyl  record.  it’s  changed  since  then,  the  image  of  her  features  no  longer  a  mirror  of  the  girl  from  those  memories  they  made  so  long  ago  —  but  anya  casiraghi  the  way  she  is  now.  the  way  she  is  standing  before  him,  with  her  curled  brunette  locks,  and  her  glittered  white  gown.  initially,  he’d  answered  that  he  didn’t  know  ...  that  it  didn’t  matter.  charlie  couldn’t  bear  the  thought  of  it,  not  wanting  to  veer  into  a  treachery  where  he’d  have  to  take  into  consideration  the  notion  that  she  truly  is  too  good  for  him.  that’s  the  way  it  always  goes,  when  romantic  feelings  become  involved.  but  nothing  is  ever  the  way  it  is  with  everyone  else,  when  it  comes  to  anya.  when  he’s  with  her,  he  isn’t  worried  about  how  he  measures  up  against  her.  she  doesn’t  make  him  question  his  worthiness,  or  whether  he’s  deserving  of  the  love  and  companionship  she  yields  him  everyday.  it’s  never  been  one-sided  ;  they’ve  both  done  so  much  good  for  one  another.  if  he  were  to  really  think  about  it,  he  might  have  a  different  answer  the  next  time  tommy  asks  him  the  same  question  about  the  girl.  it  isn’t  because  he’s  drunk  —  he  looks  at  her  in  a  way  a  friend  wouldn’t,  and  his  touch  lingers  in  a  way  a  friend’s  wouldn’t,  because  perhaps  in  some  ways,  they’ve  always  been  just  a  little  bit  more  than  a  word  like  friends  can  define.  she’s  half  his  soul  ;  like  twin  flames,  forged  from  the  same  fire.  there’s  so  much  of  her  inside  of  him.  charlie  doesn’t  know  what  this  means  in  the  terms  of  which  tommy  posed  the  question  ...  but  he  knows  it’s  at  least  a  little  more  special  than  friendship.  they’re  too  well  entangled.

“Yeah, I am. No complaints here, either.” Parties and events are not his thing and he’d rather skip them, yet he has attended most of them this year (thanks to Aylin leaving him no choice and the fact that he can never say no to her), but he’s more noticeably in better spirits tonight, too, after everything that happened with her and coming together tonight. He’s actually going to let loose (only a little). He’s still Julian. Unfortunately. He nods. “She’s very cute. Thanks. She actually helped me pick up the blazer.” Anyone who knows Julian well knows he has the most basic ass clothing style. He reaches to take a good sip of his drink. “Did you come here with anyone?”

“Just--” they shrugged. “-- nervous. About leaving Gallagher and going into the real world.” Gallagher has always been home, even before they attended the school. It was always talked about while at home, listening to stories of old professors and nir family’s experience at Gallagher. All of their memories became Monique’s instantly. “It’ll become official once I walk across the stage and get my diploma. And, I don’t know, I’m second guessing myself on it all.”

        “ MARTINA IS STELLA’S BEST FRIEND, ”   tommy wastes no time feeding THAT piece of information to his brother,   “ so maybe think twice before dating her. and that’s different. ”   there’s definitely a difference between dating two people who share blood, and two who… don’t. though in charlie’s defense, nur and fallon were probably close enough to be sisters. but he’s known fallon forever, and they had been friends for a long time before dating and deciding they weren’t right together. on the other hand, he’d never date stella’s best friend, and not just because she doesn’t like him.   “ you could just tell me, but that’s fine, ”   he says, in a tone that implies it’s not REALLY fine, but he doesn’t want to argue with charlie tonight. but it is very annoying to be told he wouldn’t understand, when tommy thinks he’s been nothing but understanding towards his brother this entire year  ( which hasn’t been easy to do, for the record ) .   he had expected some kind of reaction from him calling anya lovely, so tommy smirks a little in satisfaction.   “ do you see her like that ? ”   first sloane, now anya — perhaps charlie has a type.

“You have to try someday to prove to the world that there’s an ounce of fashion hope in there somewhere.” Ria’s hand dropped from the chain, looking up at him with a giddy smile. “Perfect!” Plan successful. “Uh, I don’t really know. In the past I’d pick a city and get a vacation house or airBNB or something.” On dad’s dime, of course. Kept her out of their hair. “There’s a few people I’m planning to visit, so, I don’t know. Hotels in between?” It sounded worse now that she said it, voice soft.  Sounding pitiful was not the plan!

The worst part of not knowing whether Charlie will initiate conversation is not knowing if she wants him to, or if she would even engage. In real time the moment is smooth, moves with the wind around them but in Stella’s head it feels like a ticking clock. She can hear the clicks of every second, like she’s running out of time to make a decision on how much she’s willing to give him. This night feels like the last night to write epilogues. Time moves faster when concluding if she can settle with disfavoring him forever. This might be her last chance to decide. They’ve crossed paths so few times this year and she knows the odds they’ll never speak again are higher than a stranger’s, and while Charlie might consider Stella an enigma she’s under the impression she knows him as well as she needs to. He brings up the only reason she has to think otherwise. “I did.” Stella exhales quietly, over the ledge her fingers pick beneath her nails. She can’t help the faint laugh that finds escape in a breath at his description of Anya, sensing his reservation. “She’s wonderful, yes. But you don’t need me to tell you that.” Or at least Stella hopes he doesn’t, but he lacks a shiny track record in mutual respect for those who care for him. Contemplating silence, she glances over at him. “We’re good friends. Anya and I.” She’s not sure if Anya talks to him about her, but she assumes she doesn’t. 

charlie’s  cigarette  is  lit  before  she  even  answers  him,  the  boy  taking  a  drag  in  an  attempt  to  feel  a  little  more  sober.  he  only  nods  at  first,  because  of  course  he  doesn’t  need  her  to  tell  him  that.  he’s  too  well  ingrained  in  anya’s  being  to  not  know  it  himself.  smoke  falls  past  his  lips,  and  he  can’t  help  a  light  breath  of  laughter  —  it’s  barely  there,  but  it’s  matched  with  a  tiny  grin  that  lasts  only  a  few  seconds.  “  she’s  told  me.  it’s  a  little  funny,  ”  charlie  starts,  though  he’s  certain  that  isn’t  the  right  word  for  it.  ironic  maybe.  tragic,  for  both of  them.  stella  might  feel  he’s  avoidable,  but  he  wouldn’t  agree.  he’s  spent  the  past  year  with  her  shadow  in  the  backdrop  of  nearly  every  conversation  —  in  passing  for  the  most  part,  but  spotlit  in  every  piece  of  advice  he’s  dealt  his  brother,  in  the  only  tricky  conversation  he’s  ever  had  with  the  eldest  casiraghi  girl,  in  conversations  of  his  character  with  others.  his  words  flow  out  in  a  sigh,  “  she’s  ...  my  best  friend.  oldest,  too.  our  parents  used  to  be  mates,  so  we  saw  each  other  a  lot  as  kids.  played  dolls  and  dress-up  ...  stupid  little  things  like  that.  ”  but  charlie  bought  into  it,  because  he  liked  being  around  anya.  he  liked  smiling  and  laughing  with  her,  and  playing  pretend.  it’s  easy  to  pick  your  friends  when  you’re  a  child.  there’s  no  prejudgements,  or  the  thought  of  consequence  ...  you  go  where  your  beating  heart  takes  you.  his  still  leads  him  to  anya.  “  it  was  different  after  tommy  got  sick.  her  parents  didn’t  want  to  be  associated  with  ours  anymore,  but  anya  isn’t  really  like  them.  i  dunno.  you  can’t  unknow  her,  i  guess.  ”  he  doesn’t  know  why  he’s  telling  stella  this,  when  he’s  sure  his  voice  alone  is  enough  to  make  her  want  to  check  out.  but  charlie’s  drunk,  and  he’s  tired,  and  he’s  had  a  strange  night.  rambling  comes  easier  in  this  state  ;  it  makes  him  sound  more  sure  of  himself.  and  though  he  doesn’t  like  to  let  the  lens  other  people  see  him  through  bother  him,  he  almost  feels  he  owes  it  to  both  tommy  and  anya  to  try.  to  not  take  the  easy  way  out  by  pretending  stella  manchesi  doesn’t  exist.  “  we  weren’t  supposed  to  talk  anymore,  so  we  wrote  letters  instead.  i’ve  never  told  anyone  that.  ”  he’s  always  kept  their  little  universe  separate  from  the  charlie  most  people  know  —  but  stella  doesn’t  know  that  charlie.  she  doesn’t  know  any  iteration  of  the  man.  telling  her  about  their  secret  correspondence  doesn’t  make  him  feel  like  he’s  clouding  this  universe,  but  rather  helping  her  understand  why  a  person  as  good  as  anya  casiraghi  would  ever  want  to  be  associated  with  someone  like  him.  it  isn’t  just  that  they’re  old  friends.  they’ve  grown  together  in  a  way  he  hasn’t  with  anyone  else  ...  like  two  halves  of  the  same  soul.

but  you  dream  of  some  epiphany  ;  a  brief  and  slightly  vague  glimpse  into  the  post-gallagherian  future  of  charlie  eaton,  detailing  his  journey  during  fourth  year,  through  medical  school,  and  into  the  spy  world  beyond  !      pinterest.  playlist.  para.

         “ SAVE THEM, ”   he rolls eyes, mostly because this entire conversation is tired. where was charlie a month ago when he had actually asked nur out ?   “ you know fallon and i are friends, so it’s not weird. i double checked with her before anything happened. ”   except for him and nur making out in the astrology tower, but that one wasn’t on him. he’s not even sure what charlie is saying good for you about, because it’s very obvious it’s pretty clear that there’s nothing going on between him and nur anymore, but he’ll chalk it up to how much charlie’s had to drink tonight.   “ it was just one date, ”   he adds, since apparently charlie must know the whole story.   “ why did you get into a fight about it ? ”   if his brother can be nosy, then tommy can, too. it wouldn’t be the worst thing to try to understand his relationship with the casiraghi girl a little better, especially if she’s apparently charlie’s best friend. it’s hard to believe charlie when he says it was his fault, because he’s always the one that’ll take the blame.   “ what ?   it’s a valid question. she’s very lovely. ”   from the way his brother chokes on his drink, tommy’s a little insulted on anya’s behalf. surely charlie could do a lot worse. 

         TOMMY ROLLS HIS EYES, because of course charlie would let himself be the victim.   “ it’s common sense to know what the color turquoise is. she’s definitely not. ”   he suddenly doesn’t want to talk about nur anymore, and is beginning to second guess the two brothers spending time with her in turkey, if charlie’s going to be like this.   “ she’s fallon’s best friend. ”   who can forget tommy’s model ex-girlfriend ?   “ but we’re friendly. we’re friends, ”   he corrects.   “ why does that matter ? ”   there’s something about the word ENEMY that rubs tommy the wrong way, as if stella’s the one that screwed charlie over.   “ stop that. ”   guess who doesn’t like hearing about his own feelings out loud, for anyone to overhear them ?   “ don’t be dramatic, she’s not your bloody enemy. ”   charlie might be her enemy, but that’s a fact he’ll choose to ignore.   “ are her and anya really that close ? ”   somehow they’ve cycled back to the beginning of their conversation. his eyes glance over to where the girls had once been, but now they’re out of sight. it’s funny that tommy is surprised at anya and stella’s friendship, when not too long ago it had been anya and charlie’s friendship that had surprised him. why charlie had wanted to be associated with any of the casiraghis had been beyond him, but it’s impossible to deny that anya is good for him – and when charlie enjoys so little that’s actually GOOD for him, tommy knows not to question it. the friendship is still no to him though, so he’ll have to trust charlie when he says it, not really sure what he means. he squints a little at his brother.   “ have you and anya ever… ? ”   he’ll be a gentleman and not finish that sentence. 

         “ I DON’T KNOW ON WHOSE BEHALF I SHOULD BE INSULTED FOR, ”   tommy snorts. maybe he’s a little insulted on his own behalf, that charlie thinks so little of him that he wouldn’t want him around. maybe he should be insulted on charlie’s behalf that having charlie on the trip hadn’t been his first thought. maybe he should be insulted for both of them, but instead he’ll just have another drink.   “ it’s blue-green. and it has little flowers on it. i’m pretty sure she’s not going for a sinner. ”   it’d be pretty ironic if she was, because tommy only thinks the best of nur. it’s easy to do so when you barely know someone beyond surface level. he glances at his brother for a moment, before rolling his eyes.   “ you’re happy to hear about that, probably. ”   not said with hostility or judgment, though perhaps he’s a little peeved that charlie can find enjoyment over something tommy’s not looking forward to. it’s clear enough when his brother says that it could be GOOD.   “ yeah, maybe. ”   he’s unconvinced and it’s clear in his voice, although on a better night tommy would be the first to say that it’s for the best.   “ it’s your last night having to dodge her, you may as well go over there and talk to anya if you want to. i’m sure she’d like it. ”   anya, not stella.

– “WELL…” ANYA TRAILS OFF FOR A MOMENT, and maybe if she had proper sense she’d have more shame about the rambling pages of writing she’d sent to charlie in her early teenage years, something about a crush or frustrations with her parents and siblings, a horrible dance practice, or the cutest things her cat does ( ranked. ) but she doesn’t have proper sense at all, and there’s no shame when she looks up at him, the memory of running to the mail slot in her eyes, “ you’re a bit biased, i’d say. ” anya was always writing for him, anyway. she nods her agreement, “ i think so too, but…well, you know cecilia, ” she smiles softly, “ or, at least you know what i think of her. she’s always been stubborn. i’m just going to take whatever i can get at this point. ”  anya also doesn’t think her sister ever had bad intentions, she can remember the look on her sister’s face when the book came out – she’d been the FIRST person to check on her, a stark contrast from the teenager that ran away all of those years ago. she furrows her brow, puzzled at charlie’s reply, but she’s not in on the joke. maybe she just feels too much loyalty to stella to laugh, or she doesn’t know tommy well enough to piece together the particular humor. she’ll take his word for it, though ! anya doesn’t think she’s ever felt so speechless as when charlie lifts her head up, in a moment where she feels so vulnerable, so ashamed that she can’t even look at him…he actually reaches out for her gaze, telling her that it’s okay with so little words. she’s comforted by the softness in his gaze, the warmth that she didn’t know was possible to exude from eyes so blue, and a gentle, almost bashful smile lifts the corners of her lips. “ i just…it’s new to me, i guess. it’s never a problem i’ve had before, so…i just don’t want it to be another way that i’m a burden on people, ” she admits, “ and i don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything either. anything i did, that was just because we’re friends and i care about you. ” the look on his face implies that he’s doing the same, and she wishes there weren’t tears pricking in the corners of her eyes because that’s embarrassing – it’s just hard not to think of her financial situation, her once awe-inspiring mother who walked the halls in expensive designers sitting behind a cell in a jumpsuit. more than anything, she wants what charlie is offering : an escape. “ of course i want it, ” she laughs weakly, “ don’t be silly. ”

there is something so…different about this dance, about the way he holds her, fingers laced together like they were made that way. “ of course you did, ” anya laughs at charlie’s remark, just because it’s so completely CHARLIE, leaning her head against his chest for a beat as she catches her breath. anya thinks back to the early spring, when she talked to stella about the idea of having a spark with someone…a specific moment of instant chemistry, or how sometimes that moment is instant and sometimes it’s not. it’s not something you can create or engineer ; it’s just there or it isn’t. anya wonders if it’s possible for that to be delayed, if you can know someone for a while and still feel a sort of shift in your world, and if it can still be just as instant as it would if you’d just met them for the first time – it’s something she hadn’t thought to ask until now. anya’s the first to let go of his hand – but only to reach out to fix a fold in his collar that had been bothering her. she already sort of wishes she hadn’t let go, but what else was she supposed to do ? there’s a smile that she isn’t holding back when she adds, “ there. ” they’re both just standing there, smiling, and while anya doesn’t feel particularly inclined to break the silence, the way he’s looking at her makes her feel suddenly shy. blushing, she ducks her head slightly before she looks off into the crowd.  “ want to get some water ? ” she won’t say it, but…probably wouldn’t be a bad idea for charlie to have a glass or two. 

he  kept  every  letter  she  sent  him,  some  tucked  away  at  the  bottom  of  a  desk  drawer,  others  scattered  in  storage  boxes  under  his  childhood  bed.  he’s  too  sentimental  to  ever  throw  them  away  —  the  type  to  hoard  ticket  stubs  and  old  papers,  christmas  cards  and  grocery  store  receipts.  his  own  letters  became  anthologies  to  his  youth,  and  anya’s  are  just  another  volume  of  the  same  story.  he  thinks  he’ll  want  to  read  through  them  again,  when  he  returns  home  for  the  summer.  it’s  the  sense  of  comfort  charlie  seeks  when  he  feels  like  everything  else  around  him  is  changing.  of  course  the  luxury  of  knowing  her  so  intimately  makes  him  fairly  biased  —  he  holds  her  in  such  high  regard  she’s  all  but  become  the  standard,  and  though  he  used  to  be  concerned  about  doing  something  wrong  to  drive  her  away,  he’s  never  once  considered  she  might  be  capable  of  the  same.  he  figures  anya  could  hold  him  at  the  wrong  end  of  a  knife,  and  he’d  still  think  the  world  of  her.  this  year  has  proven  there’s  enough  trust  to  forgo  these  insecurities  —  hurting  each  other  would  only  mean  hurting  themselves,  anyway.  “  maybe,  ”  he  shrugs,  because  she’s  probably  right.  but  charlie’s  happy  he’s  got  the  privilege  of  bearing  that  bias.  when  anya  speaks  again,  he  looks  at  her  more  pointedly,  a  frown  on  his  lips.  “  —  you  could  never  be  a  burden,  ”  he  cuts  in,  thinking  it’s  absurd  she’d  even  suggest  the  idea.  he  wishes  anya  could  see  even  a  fraction  of  the  person  he’s  looking  at  ...  perhaps  she  might  not  see  a  human  at  all,  but  something  ethereal.  angelic.  his  voice  is  steadfast  as  he  continues,  “  and  i  know  i  don’t  owe  you,  but  it’s  just  ...  i  care  about  you,  too,  and  i  want  to  do  this.  ”  he  means  to  reassure  her  —  his  intent  is  purely  selfish,  acted  on  because  he  wants  to  spend  time  with  her  this  summer,  without  having  to  worry  about  nico  and  cecilia,  or  sal  and  his  girlfriend.  it’s  no  offense  to  them,  but  things  have  always  been  rather  personal  with  anya.  he  cherishes  time  alone  with  her.  he  also  knows  it’ll  be  the  first  summer  since  her  parents  were  incarcerated,  and  surely  that  warrants  some  yearning  to  get  away  from  everything.  when  he  notices  tears  brimming  at  her  eyes,  charlie’s  own  eyes  widen  a  little.  “  anya,  you’re  crying  !  ”  there’s  surprise  in  his  tone  as  he  wipes  his  thumbs  at  the  corners  of  her  eyes  —  gently,  so  he  doesn’t  ruin  her  makeup.  there’s  a  fleeting  thought  that  he  should  have  stayed  away,  for  she  shouldn’t  be  dealing  with  this  in  the  final  hours  of  her  second  year  at  gallagher  ...  but  he  doesn’t  let  himself  have  it.  he  doesn’t  regret  asking  anya,  no  matter  her  reaction.  in  haste,  his  lips  find  the  top  of  her  head,  planting  a  kiss  before  he  pulls  her  into  a  cradling  hug.  with  his  arms  wrapped  around  her,  he  shakes  his  head,  resting  it  on  top  of  hers  as  he  speaks  up  in  reassurance.  “  then  just  ...  say  yes.  don’t  worry  about  anything  else.  ”

“ you’re very welcome. ” he’d always found charlie a little … odd, but he finds him more personable tonight. probably because he’s drunk. “ i am, indeed. though i don’t feel great about leaving anya behind, but i suppose that’s life. ” 

        TOMMY CAN ONLY LAUGH AT THAT, because charlie’s not exactly wrong.   “ who do you think will get sick of the other first ?   are you going to ditch me halfway through because my drink choices are shit ? ”   he’s keeping the conversation light, because he doesn’t want his brother to actually think that tommy will just get sick of him and leave him behind. part of him is glad that charlie will be traveling with him ;   after everything charlie’s been through, he’s glad to have him close in his view, to see for himself how he’s doing. not to mention that tommy doesn’t entirely trust HIMSELF alone. he hasn’t entirely been making smart decisions lately, and he’d hate for that to bleed into the summer. charlie’s words are cheesy, and tommy can only snort, rolling his eyes a little.   “ i am happy. ”   it’s all of a matter of perspective anyway, happiness, and in this moment and at this party, tommy is happy enough. right now it’s all he can really strive for.   “ are you kidding ?   everyone here is dressed in red or white or black. you do know what color turquoise is, don’t you ? ”   he’s thankful for a relaxing back-and-forth with his brother, although the drink in his hand certainly doesn’t hurt. the mention of stella has him taking a sip from said drink.   “ probably. i may as well say goodbye, since i don’t think she’ll be back in the fall. ”   charlie can rejoice over that one. tommy glances at him curiously at the last comment, arching a brow.   “ you’re really not going to talk to her all night because she’s with stella ?   i don’t think she’ll slap you during a party, you know. ”

– “WELL, I’VE NEVER BEEN MUCH OF A WRITER,” SHE JOKES, because if anyone would say so, it’s him ! though she doesn’t think of herself as extremely eloquent, more rambly than anything once she gets going where she’s comfortable. though this is probably a result of holding back so many thoughts on a daily basis, filtering herself for polite company or out of fear of offending or even burdening others with her thoughts. but if anyone called anya quiet or someone without much to say around charlie, he probably wouldn’t know what they were talking about. “ i don’t know, i wish she would – it would be nice to go to school together, but i don’t think she’s thrilled about coming back to a place where so many people don’t hold her in a favorable light. i suppose i understand that. it will be sort of strange, if i’m the only one coming back. ” usually, anya’s reputation has been defined by her siblings, people hold her in association with nico or cecilia. without them around…it will be more of an opportunity to make her own impression. “ you really think it’s that funny that tommy would have a girlfriend ? ” anya asked, an amused smile on her lips, though she of course has no idea where tommy stands on the stella situation, but she hopes that he isn’t lingering for stella’s sake. she just worries because it’s been a hard year for her friend. this train of thought falls off the tracks when charlie starts to ask her a question. at first, she’s thrilled – an obvious smile on her face, like the idea that she’d say yes would be no question at all, he’s her best friend and she’s always listened with stars in her eyes when he’s talked about his travels, it sounds like a dream come true to get to explore places with him, and to not have to miss him as much as she knows that she’s going to when they’re apart. but then, there’s crushing reality, a thought that makes her hang her head a bit in shame as she hesitates : “ charlie, i would love to, but…i don’t have the money to travel like that, ” her cheeks burn in embarrassment, it’s something she’s never experienced before, wanting something that she cannot AFFORD. it’s been an obvious separator between her and her friends this year, and it shines in this moment. because of her pride, it would never occur to her to expect him to pay for it. “ but i’d love for you to come see me, if you can…cecilia and i are talking about trying to find our own place, ” doesn’t even mention that she’s considering working retail or food service to get by this summer. “ i’m really sorry, ” she adds apologetically, but it’s actually a selfish sort of sorry because now that it’s an idea within her reach, she wants it very badly.

this sort of intimacy is new to them, and that’s probably what makes her nervous. it’s not a bad sort of nervous though, it’s the kind that makes her feel energetic and alert, maybe it aligns more with excitement than anything else. anya’s nervousness is usually ever-present, manifesting itself in anxiety that’s hard to shake, but charlie’s presence has always come with a sort of peace and acceptance that would make it impossible for her to be uncomfortable. if anything, charlie is the PROOF that she should be more confident in herself, in all of her decisions, because the ones that she seems to make for herself are the ones that make her happiest. anya feels almost hyperaware of everything around her, the way his fingertips ghost over her bare skin, the weight of his touch on the small of her back. there’s not really anywhere else to look except back at him, and she’s sure that her heartbeat can be attributed to the circumstances of the moment, any girl would feel at least a little enamored under these specific conditions, especially if she enjoys a good period piece. though there’s no denying that…well, charlie has always known how to look at her in a way that makes her feel special, and it’s no secret that she adores him right back. “ well, if you do, i’ll be sure to let you know, ” she tells him, both true now and in the context of their future, but it’s easy for her to say that because it’s hard to imagine that he would disappoint her and if he did, that he wouldn’t try to fix it. call it her blind optimism, but either way, she can’t not believe in him. giddy laughter is on her lips when he spins her, and though it’s a little clumsy, there’s no question in her mind that he will catch her. she’s an experienced dancer, can adapt herself easily to his movements and with charlie, it’s almost automatic, following his mismatched footwork effortlessly. she’ll look up at him with a breathless smile when he dips her back, the usual expression of unbridled trust. the room is loud and full of people, but it feels like they’re the only ones there, and it’s not until he pulls her back up that she’s suddenly aware of everyone again. still, even as the song fades, anya hasn’t yet made an effort to move away. 

“  i’d  say  otherwise,  ”  charlie  counters,  because  having  read  her  writing  for  so  many  years,  he  thinks  that’s  far  from  the  truth.  it’s  true  that  he  doesn’t  read  enough  literature  to  know,  but  even  in  the  carefree  form  of  journal  entry  letters  to  a  close  friend,  he  reckons  she’s  always  been  good  with  words.  she  knows  how  to  paint  a  picture  that’s  hundreds  of  miles  away  ;  she  knows  how  to  make  him  feel  something.  granted,  charlie  prefers  tangents  and  rambling,  but  he  doesn’t  think  it  makes  a  difference.  “  i  can’t  blame  her,  but  i  dunno  ...  surely  people  can’t  be  angry  with  her  forever.  ”  it  could  be  wishful  thinking,  and  maybe  charlie’s  alone  in  the  way  he  believes  in  people.  but  even  despite  never  being  close  with  cecilia,  he  can’t  imagine  her  intentions  were  ever  evil.  and  charlie’s  all  too  well  acquainted  with  the  grey  area  between  good  and  bad  to  try  to  place  anyone  in  either  category.  on  the  subject  on  his  own  brother,  he  tilts  his  head  in  mocking  thought,  “  it’s  a  little  funny.  ”  but  he  doesn’t  expect  anya  to  understand.  they  don’t  often  get  into  the  business  of  discussing  tommy’s  love  life.  it’s  better  that  way,  given  anya’s  allegiance  to  stella.  as  her  cheeks  turn  rosy,  her  head  hangs,  and  charlie  suddenly  feels  terrible  for  proposing  the  idea  of  traveling  in  the  first  place  —  if  only  for  the  way  it  appears  to  make  her  feel.  but  the  boy’s  no  stranger  to  financial  struggle,  even  if  not  to  the  casiraghi’s  caliber,  and  he  didn’t  bring  it  up  to  make  her  feel  ashamed,  or  let  down.  “  anya,  please  don’t  say  you’re  sorry,  ”  he  starts,  a  hand  moving  to  lift  her  head  up  by  the  chin  so  they’re  looking  at  each  other  again.  seeing  the  blue  of  her  eyes  makes  things  better.  “  i  don’t  mean  to  overstep  or  sound  rude,  but  i  wasn’t  asking  you  to  pay  ...  i  invited  you,  and  i  wouldn’t  want  you  to  feel  bad  about  that.  you’ve  done  so  much  for  me  this  year.  it’s  honestly  the  least  i  could  do.  ”  he’s  so  earnest,  his  eyes  glitter,  and  he  doesn’t  drop  her  stare  the  entire  time.  the  whole  situation’s  some  degree  of  comical,  because  while  anya’s  embarrassed,  it’s  charlie  who  feels  like  she’d  be  doing  him  a  favor  by  saying  yes,  providing  him  with  a  distraction  and  a  means  for  comfort  at  a  time  when  he  knows  he’ll  miss  her  most.  but  he’s  got  enough  in  his  savings  to  afford  traveling,  and  he’s  shockingly  good  at  managing  his  money,  even  with  the  drinking  problem.  he  doesn’t  mention  that  his  dads  would  likely  help  him,  either,  for  he  doesn’t  want  to  push  it.  pride  isn’t  a  familiar  term  between  the  two  of  them,  and  charlie  doesn’t  want  it  to  be.  “  but  it’s  up  to  you.  just  know  the  offer’s  there,  if  you  want  it.  ”