Estella Manchesi

*+:｡.｡　ESTELLA MANCHESI + POST GALLAGHER　｡.｡:+*

➥ Estella finishes her last semester at Gallagher with intentions to go home to Italy and finally see her family and annul her marriage after a year of being away.

➥ After talking to Christian about his summer plans to tour Betty around Spain, she decides to join him in a final hurrah before facing her family. Basically, she’s procrastinating getting her life in order, and deserves that taste of freedom and excitement that Gallagher failed to offer her. The pair meet up a few weeks after move-out and spend the summer hitting up different sites, Christian giving her the grand tour of all the things he’d told her about. Spending half the summer as friends goes smoothly, but they’re idiots and it’s not long before they find their way back into their bubble, rekindling their romance until August when they have to part ways. They do stay in contact, but in the moment it feels like a bittersweet goodbye. Stella makes her way to Italy to face her family.

➥ Some time over the summer she gets a text from a mystery number and upon finding out it’s her little sister, they facetime and have a heart-to-heart where Stella explains herself, apologizes, and tells Grace about her year at Gallagher. They cry, etc, and it’s a little easier on her when she gets home. This was supposed to be a self para but alas, time ticked.

➥ When Stella arrives in Italy she spends her first day walking her favorite places, appreciating home before diving into what she left behind. She eats affogato at her favorite cafe La Pergola and visits Vito’s restaurant, but only waves to him from the window, not quite ready to talk to him about Tommy. At home, the hardest person to face is her father, who her mother had already prepped for her arrival, and at first he can’t even look at her--because she looks different and he’s more angry with himself than Stella.

➥ Long story short it takes them a while to fully understand her reasons but they eventually adjust to the new boundaries Stella’s learned how to demand. The Manchesi family and Nero’s family have a sit down to discuss a divorce, since annulling her marriage might look bad on both families and their reputations so of course Stella has to put herself second. There’s guns, it’s really stressful, you know, mafia nonsense. They try to convince her to work it all out but she sticks to her guns, eventually running into Nero privately where he asks her if she ever loved him and she tells him, and I quote from a previous thread, “not in the way I know I’m capable.” He eventually agrees to a divorce, and it gets finalized in however long that stuff usually takes.

➥ Stella eventually applies to a university in Paris in her twenties, since she had dreamed about living in Paris one day. She studies Dance and Journalism & Media Studies and eventually shares a flat in Paris with Anya. I imagine the boys (Aidan, Seb, Jerome) visit her from time to time, as well as other friends she stays in touch with from Gallagher. Her and Tommy left Gallagher in such a good place that all that’s been discussed so far is how strong their connection is, and how they come into contact at different points and try to stay in touch. They have the kind of relationship where if one of them called the other would answer and be there, even if it’s been a while. Which is fine, because after the weight of her year at Gallagher, even when they're apart he's still with her. Her and Martina are still besties and text every day, seeing each other when they can. I imagine Stella smooches almost all her friends at least once and when I finally tend to my dms then we'll see. Do with that what you will, besties.

➥ Her future career involves traveling to see different ballets and dance performances and writing articles/reviews on them for magazines and journals, as well as other freelance gigs writing reviews on artistic genres like cinema. She maintains a very active and aesthetic instagram during this time, but most of it is travel and work related and as she keeps her private life aloof.

OF ALL THE SPONTANEITY HE’S DONE IN HIS LIFE, tommy wouldn’t count kissing stella moments ago to be a part of that. to him the kiss was inevitable, something he had been counting down to do since they had laid together in her dorm weeks ago. still, her coyness makes him chuckle, a nice distraction as she pulls away from his arms. the night suddenly feels a lot colder without her warmth, but tommy supposes that’s something he’ll have to get used to. her words make him smile slightly, and he nods in agreement, thinking about how even through the worst of it this year – even after finding out about her fiancé back home, and her running away from the most important people in her life – tommy had never once felt like he didn’t truly know her. despite wishing they could spend the rest of their evening together, he knows that stella has a lot of other goodbyes to give tonight, so he gives her an out to leave while she still can. so her hanging back makes him pause, heartbeat picking up at the mention of missed goodbyes from the past. if her question isn’t enough for the air to suck out of his lungs, the way she looks up at him certainly does the trick. forget being cold without her moments ago ;   his body suddenly feels warm all over. tommy takes a long, deep breath, bringing his hand to scratch the side of his chin. he’d be lying if he said their goodbye that never was isn’t one he’s thought of before, many sleepless nights writing and rewriting a scene that would never happen in his mind.   “ well, ”   he’s slow to start,   “ i probably would’ve started by sitting you down, and taking your hands, like this. ”   tommy takes a step forward so he can reach for them, thumb brushing lightly against the back of her hands. his eyes lift to meet hers, trying to imagine how sick to his stomach he would’ve felt doing this four years ago, and how steady he suddenly feels now.   

“ i would’ve… i would’ve told you that you knew i had only come to italy for holiday, but obviously stayed because i had met you. and how i had been planning on going back to school after a year, but clearly that didn’t happen. ”   also because of her. tommy pauses for a moment, emotion swelling his chest that he has to settle. when he starts again, he can’t get himself to stop.   “ and how being in italy was the best time of my life, even if i had to work in a sweaty restaurant, and i never got to meet your whole family. but it was time for me to go, not because i wanted to leave, but because i had to. all my life, i had been working towards a future for myself, the same future as my parents, who had… had done everything for me, really. and it was because of them that i had to go back and see it through, because i owed them everything, including a future they’ve already invested so much in. ”   reaching up, tommy brushes some windblown hair out of her eyes, smiling weakly. it’s bittersweet, realizing how some things haven’t changed.   “ i probably would’ve told you that there were some things i never told you about my past, just like i know you haven’t told me everything either, and that’s okay. you’re still the person who knows the most about me, and that probably won’t change. but not all of it is good — i kept things from you because it was too dangerous, actually. and it’s because i love you that i’d have to go, and probably wouldn’t be able to contact you afterwards, both because i don’t want you get wrapped up in any danger, and because you deserve a lot more than what i can offer you. our time together was perfect, but perfect doesn’t last, and we both know it. but i don’t want you to think any of this has to do with how i feel about you, because… i loved you, so much, ”   he whispers. tommy doesn’t need to say it in present tense ;   they both know better.   “ and i always will. walking away right now is the hardest thing i’ll probably ever have to do, and i don’t expect you to understand, but i hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me one day. and maybe in the future, we’ll be able to find each other again, ”   he smiles sadly,   “ and things can be different. that’s a future i’m holding out for. ”

Stella knows what she’s risking by asking Tommy this, but their relationship is built on risks. Tommy’s secret spy track, Stella’s violent lineage, lies and guilt and regret. At least when she risks the dreamy landscape they’d just danced within, repairing their relationship these past few months, she can say it’s by choice. They’re standing close and she’s giving him a chance he never gave himself in hopes that, if they can finally face what might always linger above them, they may be able to release it. In this way, they can set each other free. Her breath is steady only as a distraction, counting the seconds between inhales until she’s short of breath. He speaks and her eyebrows perk in anticipation, chin cocking to better see him. Eyes trickle down to his hands as he reaches for her, settling her nerves in a single gesture, to be met with a relieved smile that her risk had not shunned her. The soft skin of his thumb draws her fingers to comfortably sit in his palm before her focus returns to his face. She wants to see him when he speaks. If her senses fail her and the sounds begin to warp, she can read his eyes. 

Stella searches his eyes as he searches for words, and a breath catches in her throat when he carries on quicker. Tommy isn’t saying anything he hasn’t before but this time is different. The way she’d flinched at his touch in the Abandoned Chapel doesn’t reflect in how she currently squeezes his hand. The cold anger and betrayal she’d harbored by the time they spoke in the Astronomy Tower stretches miles away from the affinity that encourages her smile. He mentions Vito’s and her family and Stella feels she might cry but instead she laughs lightly with wet eyes and lets her head fall fleetingly, afraid she might miss something. There’s a completeness in the way their stories have so seamlessly aligned. She can always hold onto him not being the one to say goodbye, but how can she stay angry at his reasons when they share the same face as her own? He pauses to brush her hair and she tilts her head against his palm, breathing in the earthy air indulgently. Her free hand rises to keep his hand there a little longer, rubbing her thumb along the outside, before she finds herself holding both his hands between them. There’s a certain sadness in his smile when he finishes, but she can’t mirror it for him, because while these aren’t the circumstances she’d fantasized meeting him again, she doesn’t know if she would have made it through this year without him. He was arguably one of the hardest parts about it, just as he was arguably one of the best. She takes a deep breath just the same and caters to the shivery fuss in her abdomen--one of excitement, of nerves, of risk. “Thank you.” She starts. She takes one long, final look at him, and he looks sad, a bit tired, but he is beautiful like an old movie. She thinks he would shine without color. 

Stella can’t find the words to say goodbye to him in a way that feels all encompassing, so just as they’d danced, she follows his lead. “Being in Italy was the best time of my life.” Those times with and without him. “But...it is time for me to go. And...and maybe not entirely because I want to leave, but because I have to.” She repeats his words back to him, her own experience coating it on the way out. “You’re still the person who knows the most about me, and that...I believe that will never change. And it’s..it is because I love you that I have to go. You deserve more than what I can offer you. We both know perfect...it does not last.” Lips pressing together, she could argue this is a testament to that, how perfect it felt to dance with him in the garden, but she doesn’t think this moment is anything short of perfect in its own way.  “But I don’t want you to…” she shakes her head, his words on repeat so she could preserve them, they fall from her tongue so effortlessly it’s as though he’s written them for her to give to him. “I don’t want you to think any of this has to do with how I feel about you.” At some point she’d craved escaping him but leaving now, while she knows they need the time apart, is not personal. “I love you--” she says again, earnestly, clenching her grip, giving it a few seconds to exist out there alone--without reason, without regret, without circumstance “--always.” It feels like she’s been holding onto it with white knuckles for weeks, forcing it back down inside her but it feels good to be able to tell him. She understands why he had to do the same. She pulls a hand and wipes her cheek, words speeding up at the burst of release in her chest when she says it. Her voice begins to crack. “I don’t expect you to understand why I have to do this but I-I hope one day you can forgive me. That’s a future I’m holding out for.” Stella accepts that maybe they had their chance and it was magical. She’s made peace with it. It may seem unfair that this is how they’ll part but she knows in her chest, against her own heart, it is what she has to do. Maybe they will never be able to be together, but she wants to live in a world where one day they can fully forgive each other for everything they’ve ever done. His other hand drops and her thumbs come to stroke beneath her eyes, a shy laugh built from joy and clarity and love. “Goodbye, Tommy.” 

       IT’S TRUE THAT GENEVA IS FAR CLOSER TO FRANCE THAN IT IS ITALY ;   it’s also true that france hasn’t once crossed his mind to visit this summer. he’ll chalk it up to the fact that he’s been there already, and not because he doesn’t have anybody worth visiting in the country. luck seems too simple of a word. they’re the words last spoken before he leans into her, so it’s no surprise they’re the ones echoing in his head as her lips meet his. tommy’s never been one to believe in luck, knowing that good things come to those who strive for it, and sometimes even then it doesn’t always work out. everything he’s ever gotten is because he WORKED for it, and him and stella have certainly worked for this new relationship between them, taking a disastrous departure a few years back and molding it into something beautiful, something that allowed them to be in the position they’re in now. tommy’s never thought of himself as a lucky fellow, but maybe they do have something on their side, something intangible that he can only pinpoint in the way their lips move slowly against each other’s. the arm around her waist tugs her closer until their chests are rising and falling in a rhythm similar to the way they were dancing moments before, hand still cradling her face as he breathed her in. it wouldn’t be a kiss that could last forever, and tommy knew that — nor was it passionate, or frenzied, or anything like so many of their past kisses. this kiss tastes of white wine and goodbyes, a goodbye that’ll never be expressed as well with words as it is now, because there’s really no words that can express just how much he’s going to miss her. his forehead rests against hers for a few slow heartbeats as they catch their breath afterward, not yet ready to pull away, his fingers moving to tuck some of her hair behind her ear. tommy only pulls away far enough to study her face tenderly, still inches apart, memorizing it. he could apologize for kissing her, but he’s not sorry for doing it.   “ you really do look beautiful tonight, ”   tommy says instead, voice soft. it’s more of a comment to fill the silence, but it’s clear from his careful gaze that it’s nearly all he can think about right now.   “ don’t be a stranger, alright ? ”

Pulling away from Tommy is inevitable; Stella wonders if maybe it always had been. She was naïve in her youth to think life would make things easy for them, that they would make it easy for each other. Stella can’t attest to chance, and they may share differing opinions on luck, but she believes fate’s hand has always pressed the small of their backs, pushing them toward each other. She feels equally blessed that life has chosen to make things easy for them right now, even for just this moment. That’s how this kiss feels, easy. It serves different purposes for them but they both get what they want out of it, whatever that may be. What they seem to agree on is this is more a goodbye kiss than something to dissect, but Stella knows pulling away from Tommy is inevitable. She’s pleased he makes no grand attempts to quicken it, and instead holds her to him, eyes on each other. Huffing an amused laugh, she feels warm under his attention. “And I suppose you are a bit spontaneous, after all.” She says quietly, playfully coy. Her fingers in his hair loosen when he says what she presumes to be the line to part them, and she wistfully surrenders him while taking a step back. Soon this moment will be another memory. Stella realizes, with her eyes dancing over his pink lips, his flushed complexion, the line of his shoulders, that this is the goodbye he’d once stolen from her. She’s felt his breath blend into hers; he is no longer a ghost. "We were never strangers.” She says assuredly, but those parting words remain unsatisfying. Her chest inflates with the few seconds before commitment, where time makes room for reconsideration. She breathes it out, making her next precarious choice of the evening. Stella knows easy is what she’s risking, yet she looks up at him with with the remnants of a smile on her lips. “I thought that I had lost the chance to say goodbye to you years ago.” They can dance for as long as they’d like, their steps will always echo. “And I’ve been trying not to think about it but I...it’s important to me that we...” She meets his gaze, a quiet plead in her eyes. She imagined what he might’ve said to her over and over. If what will always hold them back is what never was, this may be their last chance to resurrect it. “If you could have done it yourself. Back then. What would you have said to me when you came to say goodbye?” 

      “ IS THERE ? ”   he gives her a look, as if tommy would ever dare actually argue with that logic. they both know switzerland vs its neighboring country is hardly a debate for the both of them, but he doesn’t exactly know what to make of her comment. is there an unspoken INVITATION in that, or is he just hearing what he wants ?   either way, he’ll try to keep his distance this summer, although tommy doesn’t account for the random text here and there he’ll eventually send to check in on her. no matter how much or how little they keep in touch this summer, she’ll be on his mind a lot. her summer’s going to be far more difficult than his, after all. tommy offers her a kind smile when she wishes him a positive change in his life, regarding the switzerland internship. he doesn’t care much about the work, but he IS looking forward to the unknown that comes with some traveling before and after, and even during. tommy’s never been to swizerland before ;   it had been on his itinerary before getting lost on italian streets, chasing after a local.   “ maybe we are lucky, ”   he says, tone nearly as soft as hers, almost afraid if he speaks too loudly it’ll scare away the music. the music from the ballroom may be impossible to hear by now, but if it is tommy doesn’t notice, their own melody ringing in his ears as they move together. despite everything that’s happened between them this year – after the last three years – it’s hard not to feel more blessed than anything, every new moment with stella feeling an awful lot like living on borrowed time. he’s not sure that feeling will ever stop, them cheating fate, even if he doesn’t know when they’ll get another moment like this. and it’s because that unknown that tommy doesn’t want to look back on this night with any regrets, especially as their bodies slow and stella looks up at him with big, beautiful eyes. if he thought about his next actions too hard, tommy’s sure he would’ve talked himself out of it — which is why his mind falls silent as he moves a hand from her back to cup her cheek lightly, thumb stroking her cheek before he leans in to close the space between them. the kiss is gentle but not tentative, because it’s exactly what he’s wanted for a LONG time now, perhaps since seeing her in the abandoned chapel back in october. but he gives her the opportunity to pull away if she wishes, because he is aware he’s crossing a line. but when their time is fleeting, tommy doesn’t give a damn about imaginary lines they’ve been dancing around all year. 

“I’ve heard France is lovely this time of year. It’s quite close.” Her lips purse playfully. Stella imagines wherever Tommy is in Switzerland that Italy will always be closer; he carries a part of it around with him wherever he goes. But she furthers the conversation from herself because the more she teases the more it starts to sound like an invitation in her own ears, and if he asked right now with the wine warming through her and that look in his eyes she might not tell him no. She’s lost sight numerous times tonight of what’s best for her, and up until now she’s made every precarious choice she’s been faced with and it’s unlikely she’ll conclude. This past year has made it crucial to believe in chance, that some things are out of her control. Looking at him now, it’s hard not to reflect on when she’d first laid eyes on him at the Masquerade Ball. She knew him from the curve in his neck, from the slant of his jaw under his mask. She feels silly now, as her eyes trace the bridge of his chin, to believe there ever was a time she didn’t know him, to think chance could define them. “Luck seems too simple a word.” She admits rhetorically. She feels lucky but luck implies stagnation. They’d worked for this; this dance did not come without swelled feet and bruised toes. When she slows to speak his name she holds a question on the tip of her tongue, lips parting prematurely but she’s stunted by the cool absence of his hand on her back. Stella’s eyes drift when his hand meets her cheek but they rise slowly, just in time for his lean. Her inhale pulls him in with the air, and the kiss is softer than she’d imagined. Stella hadn’t intended to kiss Tommy tonight, but the thought of kissing him is something that’s been swirling inside her since the moment they met. He kisses her and her body knows her better than herself, because she’s kissing him back without thinking, without considering if there are consequences. She doesn’t care. Her hand slides from his chest and gentle fingers skeptically tickle up his neck before creeping into his dark curls. She tries to savor it, kiss him slowly before their lips part for a breath; she exhales awed against his lips, not yet pulling away. Part of her knows this rapture is momentary. 

      TOMMY’S NEVER BEEN VERY GOOD AT DOING THINGS FOR HIMSELF, at least not recently. the last time he had really tried indulging himself for an evening, he had brought a date to the cherry blossom event, which he had to hear about from numerous sources afterwards that he shouldn’t have done it. but a break is exactly what he needs right now :   a break from gallagher, a break from his family. maybe even a break from the two of them, if he’s thinking solely about necessity, because tommy knows it’s only going to take time and distance between them for him to fully move on from her. if even that.   “ there’s worse places to take a break in than switzerland, i suppose, ”   he smiles thinly. tommy will never hold as much fondness towards switzerland as he does the last country he tried to escape in, but it can certainly try to change his mind. there’s no longer any hesitance between the two of them, not for months now, so tommy’s hands on her are strong, a steady presence as he leads them dancing in the grass. the way their eyes don’t stray from each other’s once is an intimacy he’s been craving between them, and if it’s going to be their last night together for the foreseeable future, he’ll lap up every moment of it like a thirsty man finally given water.   “ i should feel lucky, then. ”   he knows what her relationship is to dance – not how it is now, maybe, but how important it used to be. there’s a reason he had gotten so good at dancing, and it’s not just because of the unit he had to take on it in prep school.   “ it’s been awhile since i had a good partner, ”   his eyes sparkle, and he pulls her away just long enough to give her a little twirl, before his arm is wrapping around her waist, tugging her a little closer. a fond smile flickers on his lips as he’s reminded of the first time he had ever taken her dancing, far more crowded and music much louder than tonight, but even then he hadn’t been able to take his eyes off her. he almost mentions it too, but tommy wants this moment to live on its own, tired of feeling like their past has to define them.

Stella hadn’t predicted a lack of hesitancy in Tommy’s touch. Part of her had imagined it, after months of uncertainty in every movement they made, she’d imagined it plenty. Part of her may have boldly requested it, she thinks, had he held her with any less confidence than he's doing right now. She didn’t suspect she would be so adamant about not leaving campus in a few days without a moment like this, not until it was happening in real time. “True. Though there are certainly better places.” She says cheekily, knowing without specifics they’re in agreement. Fight her forever, no place will compare to home. But she’s not trying to insinuate anything; Stella also thinks it’s best they’ll find themselves in two different places this summer. They both need the time to figure themselves out without the weight she thinks their history might always hold, without the distraction of it. Despite feeling like they’re in a much better place now, a few more weeks together and she’s not sure what would have come of them. Stella would’ve hated for another surprise circumstance to muddy what they’ve worked so hard to rinse, but it’s likely she's less worried things might’ve gotten worse as she is they might’ve gotten better. She doesn't need any more reasons to stay. “But Switzerland is new, something different. You deserve that.” She says softly. She thinks he deserves whatever he wants, but sometimes something new and different is what someone needs. At least, that’s what she’ll be telling herself as she tries to face her life head on, as she plans for departure, as she plans for their final goodbye. “Perhaps we are both lucky.” She feels lucky, this moment feels lucky. Truthfully, not even in her better daydreams could she had predicted a closing so refreshing. The sound of the wind rustles through the garden holding them like a musical jewelry box. He winds it up when he twirls her; she feels like she’s spinning at the center of everything. Her giggle chimes and she curls back into him, and like every ballerina in a music box, her song is short lived. “Thomas?” She says lightly looking up at him, doesn’t dare step out of line as they move, but her dancing slows. 

      “Well then, that sounds logical.” Aidan teases at her first reason, dark eyes instinctually seeking out his friends in the crowd for a brief moment before turning back to Stella. “And what a gorgeous dress it is.” He’s still teasing, but the compliment is genuine — she does look lovely, the red such a drastic contrast to her typical color palette that she seems to stand out much more than usual. Her third reason, however, gives him pause, and he finds himself stalling out slightly. “You… Oh.” Aidan blinks. It makes sense, in retrospect, but he can’t help the sadness that hits him at the thought of next year without her there. “That’s — Wow, um —” It takes him a moment to gather his thoughts. “Good for you.” He decides upon, finally, without even a hint of insincerity. “Are you going back to Milan?” It’s the obvious answer, but he’s curious. 

Stella’s lips purse in amusement, natural blush on her cheeks from the genuine friendship Aidan’s given her this year. Her head bows and she pulls at her dress skirt, as if to show it off to a crowd of one. When Aidan pauses she swallows, and tries to keep the sweet expression on her face for the both of them. She knows they’ll always be in contact, but not being as close to him in proximity come the following weeks may be the hardest thing to adjust to when she moves. “Your grades will get even better next year without me to distract you.” She tilts her head, and exhales at his final response, a slow smile stretching her lips. She feels almost silly, because she thinks she might cry, blinking a few times to stifle it with laughter. “Thank you. I think it’s good for me, too. I am. I miss Italy, and my family.” He’s too aware of her other reasons for leaving, they don’t have to discuss. That’s not what she came to do, after all. She walks two fingers childishly across the table. “I think I’ve given three solid reasons. Do not make me embarrass you.” An empty threat.

He watches her quietly as she stares up at the ceiling, bringing his glass to his lips as he takes a sip. “Mhm. Bold Stella managed to surprise me plenty of times.” Especially when he’s always believed Stella to be more of a demure person, so whenever she said something bold, it had managed to bring a grin to his lips. The conversation is playful, it’s nice, but at the same time, it’s a sad one, because he’s leaving for good and he has no idea if he’d see her again and if or how much they’d keep in touch. He wants to ask how she would remember him, but he doesn’t want to find out, out of fear she’ll remember him as the Christian that kept things from her and hurt her. But he hopes she remembers her as the Christian who provided her a safe space to express herself and engaged in banter and jokes and playful games with her. “Ah, so they’re just acting in character,” he jokes. He can’t stop joking once he starts. He lets out a sigh at her words, nodding. “Thanks. Yeah, I just need to be away from it all. Drive around again, visit places.” He wants to race again, too, he’s missed the adrenaline and the rush and the excitement that comes with it. He’s been trapped here for far too long. “Yeah? I remember you mentioned not knowing if you belong here.” And he’s actually relieved she’s leaving. Because the spyhood world is too dangerous and it’ll be easier knowing Stella’s not in it anymore. He already has to live with the stress of some of the most important people in his life being in it. “What are you going to do?”

Stella’s cheeks tinge pink involuntarily. She realizes it’ll be more difficult than she first considered to revert to a period where they were nothing more than good friends, but maybe she doesn’t want to revert, maybe she knows she can’t. Her and Christian are not allowed to be what she’d wanted from him months ago, she’s sure of it, but she knows it’s unrealistic to pretend the things that bind them don’t exist. The conversations, good and bad, and even the kisses--most especially the kisses, are a part of their relationship like anything else is. She has no intentions to act on certain things, but she won’t undo them, they’re too important. They made this year part of what it’s become. So, she’ll smile at the warmth on her cheeks, just for tonight. “Hopefully I’m not all out of surprises. I may need a small vacation, but I...” Stella chooses her words considerately, “I’m sure at some point I will be surprising you again.” She says fondly, a tip of her head, but in the kind of way you sign a year book with ‘stay in touch!’. She’s not as sure as she seems. “Is that what you’re going to do? When you leave?” Her eyes widen with that curiosity, a face he must know well by now. Drive around. Visit places. Get away from it all. Her chest heats in secondhand wonder, she’s happy for him, and a bit jealous. Her hand comes up to gently rub under her exposed collarbone casually, as if it might soothe the feeling. “Oh--” The same hand lifts to wave shyly, a breathy laugh as it pushes back a strand of her hair. “I don’t think I do.” Enough things happened to convince her Gallagher wanted nothing to do with her. “I just hope I don’t miss it too much, when it’s so far away.” Her plans seem less intriguing when she’s thinking about his. “I’m going to go home and talk with my family.” She simplifies. “I have some things to tend to, and then, well I’ll see.” She shrugs, unsure what life will even look like in a few months. 

       YOU CAN’T RUSH HEALING. it’s simple advice – generic, really – but tommy knows that when stella says it, it comes from a place of experience, and he doesn’t take that experience lightly. his father had kept things from him about the severity of his work, just as tommy had kept things from stella because of the severity of his future. in both instances, robert and thomas black had both chosen to let the love for their family lead the decisions they made, however poor it is. it’s not that tommy doesn’t understand why his father had done it, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to be able to look at him the same when he’s back in london, which hurts the prodigal son more than he’d ever admit. taking his time is sound advice, all things considered, and the smile he offers stella is nothing short of gracious.   “ it’s part of the reason i had looked for an internship elsewhere this summer, ”   he admits, another first he’s saying aloud. thomas black isn’t the type to run from things anymore, but maybe old habits die hard.   “ but thank you. it’s only a week at home, i should be alright. part of me is hoping things will feel more normal than i expect. ”   surely she must understand that sentiment. her telling him she’ll always be there is just a reiteration of their shred words moments before, but it does make the corner of his mouth twitch into a smile.   “ thoughtful, ”   he echoes, using a tone that is also a little mocking, but all in good fun.   “ i suppose i can settle for that. ”   lately his thoughts have been full of her, so she’s not entirely wrong. her callout makes him laugh for a moment, because tommy will admit he had only taken the glass from her to get one thing out of it, and that was the ability to tug her closer until there’s little space between them, his second hand resting right above the small of her back.   “ you say that as if you don’t like leading. ”   she certainly enjoys keeping him on his toes, one way or another. tommy thought it would be hard at first, ears craning to hear the music from the ballroom better, but it’s easy to fall into a rhythm of their own, as they’ve been doing this past year. it’s a beautiful night to be out here, the soft chirp of crickets and the occasional lightning bug out of the corner of his eye, but everything fades into the background as his eyes don’t stray from her.   “ how much do you still dance ? ”   he asks her, because he had forgotten how mediocre his moves felt in comparison to hers, although the swaying of their bodies right now don’t give either of them enough credit.

Stella nods with understanding, ever familiar with the concept of running away. “Sometimes you must do things for yourself. Take a break.” It doesn’t make him a bad person, because if he’s wrong for avoiding his parents with a summer trip, then she deserves to be doused in red. She speaks simply, also having considered what an alternate summer might look like, quenching a desire for a little more time before having to face the strife she left behind in Italy. Her family will still be there in August, she reminds herself, and being at Gallagher never did feel like much of a break. “Ah, well I am rooting for you.” If it’s normalcy he’s craving she can relate better than the next person, and she wants it for him too. If it had been chaos that he craved, she would have rooted for him just the same, even if she lacked the understanding. She won’t press her thumb into a mold that isn’t hers, trying to learn from the things that blighted her during her own healing. Their back and forth has always been subtle, written in the tone of their voices, present enough for them to pick up but light enough for a stranger to miss. “How very spontaneous of you.” She plays, practically glides into position, and lacking any of the discomfort she may have felt at his touch months ago. Her other hand rests just below his shoulder, on the cusp of his chest, and her eyes stay on his face the entire time. With the way her neck tilts up to see him, hair falls off her shoulders, and she smiles coquettishly. “I like it much more when you do it.” So she lets him guide her, anticipates his steps like she already knows the route of his body. If she lets the music blur behind her she thinks it almost sounds like their song, she lets it hum in her head, an unexplained smile finding her lips. “Whenever I need it.” She answers vaguely, but there is no better descriptor. When she feels lonely, or stressed, but also now--when she feels recognized, serene. “You’re quite good. You’ve gotten better.” She squints and wrinkles her nose, softly shaking her head, teasing him. He’s always been graceful. 

       FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE TALKING TO HER TONIGHT, tommy feels a surprising squeeze of his heart in a melancholy way, when she tells him not to think so little of his impact. it’s a comment he’d normally be able to move past fairly easily, because they’re not strangers to dancing around the subject of the past. but right now the past feels very present, because they’re about to repeat history – well, in a way. this time they can say goodbye, but it doesn’t make everything suddenly easy.   “ my dad and i talked about everything weeks ago, and i forgave him, ”   he tells her, because it’s not something he’s shared with her since, and after their conversation in her dorm he almost owes her that.   “ honestly, it’s easier to move past it than anything. i’m not happy about it, but… you can’t change the past. ”   he’s not sure what else there is to say about it, honestly ;   grudges are so tiring to hold, and tommy can only take his father off his pedestal for so long. all tommy can do is choose to take a path different than his father’s, and hope that somehow makes a difference in the world.   “ i appreciate that, ”   he says, a small smile on his lips.   “ would’ve been a lot harder if you hadn’t talked me off a ledge, so… thank you, for being here. ”   it’s going to be a painful adjustment losing her all over again, even if now he can pick up a phone and call her any time he’d like. it’s going to be hard steering himself away from italy during his travels this summer, but tommy can only remind himself that some distance might be what’s best for them. — tomorrow, at least. tonight is another story.   “ deliberate sounds an awful lot like boring, ”   he laughs, although he doesn’t mind, because tommy’s the type of person who knows who he is, or at least he’d like to think so. he certainly feels less boring with stella, like he’s transported back in time to when he never thought about repercussions  ( well, for the most part ) .   both wine glasses in his hand, tommy sets them down on a nearby bench, before reaching his hand out towards her. they’re far enough away from the party where the music is only a soft hum of a melody, but he’ll pretend it’s loud as ever when he says :   “ dance with me. ”

Stella perks at his news, half because it sounds like good news, and half because he’s chosen to tell it to her. It’s a shift in dynamic she recognizes from other relationships this semester, the act of updating. It’s one thing to merely tell something lodged within a moment in time, and another entirely to update them on it, the different between talking about the past and talking about the future. “That’s good news, Tommy.” She smiles, but his sentence after makes her wonder if it only sounds good on paper. “You make a strong case.” She nods, she doesn’t love that he’s not happy about it. “You can’t change the past. But if there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that you also can’t rush healing.” This whole year has been about healing. “You don’t have to be upset or happy so long as you, well... just take your time.” She says with quiet care, a light suggestion she’s lived through. Past and present are both mistresses of time, best to love them slowly. Stella’s lips press together when she smiles, and she nods instead of words, unable to find any that match what she’s feeling. Leaving suddenly feels incendiary, and she hopes their parting doesn’t blow up all of their progress. She’s felt the confliction of knowingly putting distance between them their whole walk but she’s also recognized the truth, that even apart they are always together, somewhere beyond the explicable. Even if they don’t speak for a long while, they’ll still have each other to some capacity. “I’ll always be here.” She finally adds coolly, as if it’s a much tamer promise than it is. Stella laughs, shaking her head at him. “No, boring is boring. Deliberate is...thoughtful.” She says with a tip of her head, just shy of mocking him. She only watches him slowly, eyes following him as he sets the glasses down and turns back to her, settling her gaze on his hand before shifting back to his face. “Deliberate.” She notes the way he’d taken their glasses. It doesn’t stop the smile she puckers; it doesn’t stop her outstretched arm reaching for his, her hand resting in his palm like a puzzle piece. “Don’t let me lead.” 

THEY’VE TALKED ABOUT WHAT LIFE OUTSIDE OF GALLAGHER LOOKS LIKE FOR THEM BOTH :   her with the family and husband she ran away from, and him with his father who kept a major secret from him for years. they both come from two very different worlds, so it’s not a surprise that despite all their talk, the conversation had never skewed once on whether they fit in each other’s lives outside of the school. there are some friendships from gallagher that won’t hold up past the walls of the academy, relationships built on shared classes and convenience. even some family friends who he’s known his entire life will slowly fade out of it, something that is inevitable without distance and time on your side. him and stella could very easily leave this night and decide to part ways as exes on good terms, and tommy could use that distance to mend his heart back to something close to what it had looked like before estella manchesi had stepped foot in gallagher academy in the beginning of the year. but to ignore the connection between them would mean giving up something tommy’s not yet ready to let go of, something he’s not sure he’ll ever be able to. he can’t even let go of her hand right now, not even when he takes a step closer towards her, neck craning down a bit to meet her eye. he’s not sure what he would’ve done if she didn’t accept his offer, but he feels the soft squeeze of her hand ricochet across his body, warming his blood. with a small smile, tommy bows his head in a small nod.   “ good. ”   

he keeps the closeness between them because he’s grown accustomed to it over the weeks, likes being close enough to notice her eyelashes flutter in the moonlight.   “ deal. ”   there’s a smile on his lips as he says it, amused at the thought of a secret shared between them, after so many secrets had been poisonous to them over the years. he could point out he had told vito he was leaving, but doesn’t like what that implies – that tommy had decided which goodbyes he could handle, and which he couldn’t.   “ he never liked having an englishman working for him. i’m sure he’s fine, ”   he says fondly. it was no secret that vito referred to him as l’uomo inglese for the first three months he had worked in the restaurant, expecting that tommy would never last. it ended up being something the two could laugh about, vito and his wife allegra becoming the closest thing to parents he had while in italy.   “ i am, ”   tommy nods, thinking about his own parents.   “ i wish i didn’t have to go all the way back to london just to see them for a week, but it’ll be nice to be home. charlie hasn’t talked to our dad yet, about all the stuff written about him in the book, so i’m not looking forward to that conversation. ”   even if it doesn’t exactly concern him, anything involving charlie concerns him. he’s testing the waters of talking about his brother with her, because if they’re going to stay in each other’s lives, tommy doesn’t want to have to shield one important part of his life from her.   “ do you think i can’t be spontaneous ? ”   he laughs, then finishes the rest of his wine. then he finally releases her hand so he can stretch it out, motioning for her to pass him her nearly empty wine glass. 

Good. A simple word that’s never felt so all encompassing. Normally it would feel like a weak descriptor when Stella’s feelings have hit a range over the year that far surpasses anything she thought her heart capable of. And yet, dumbfounded at the sheer simplicity of this exchange, hazy headed by the correctness of it, good has never felt so understanding. “Good.” She re-gifts, pursed lips taming a smile at the way he bows a little closer to her. It feels almost like nothing has happened between them but not quite, like everything has happened between them and somehow they could share a moment like this that feels like some things are still the same. At the corner where they connect their faces are always recognizable. Stella laughs, “Don’t think so little of your impact.” She teases genuinely, assuming even a man as traditional and stubborn as Vito felt Tommy’s absence. She can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t if he were to ever leave, and she realizes she ought to start prepping for the return of that feeling in the coming weeks. She should start prepping for a goodbye. He keeps dropping Charlie’s name and she’s not blind to it, and out of wanting to keep their final private moment tender, she won’t say anything poor about it. Literally, she won’t say anything about it at all. “I’m sure they’re happy to see you. It was an inevitable conversation either way. That simply isn’t the kind of thing you only speak about once, and then never again.” She says this hoping it’s also not something Tommy lets go of so easily for the sake of keeping the balance in his family. He deserves to talk about it more, should he need to. “But I am proud of you, for not avoiding them.” She smiles, she knows she hasn’t been as brave. Dropping her head back slightly with a faint laugh, she feels the slip of his hand from hers and stretches her fingers out, like she might catch it before it’s gone too far. “I did not say that.” She grins, finishing her wine at his gesture and passing her glass. “I think you tend to be more...deliberate. Though, feel free to debate.” She teases. Standing in place she looks down to pat her dress with both hands, as if making sure she’s presentable when there doesn’t seem to be anyone else around. 

starter for @sylphidstella·

– “I THINK THIS SETTLES IT, ACTUALLY,” she tells stella, hooking their arms together. “ red is definitely your color, i can’t stop staring at you. which is why i’m so glad i’m your date, because it’s technically allowed and not creepy. ” anya’s especially glad that she’s come with stella, because being at her side seems to give her a burst of confidence that she’s never had at these galas before. and her makeup has never looked better. “ how are you feeling ? ” hopefully as good as she looks, but it’s HARD to put a bunch of glitter over such a difficult semester.

Stella’s bright expression radiates toward Anya, her other arm rising to place a hand on Anya’s forearm. “What, you think so?” She giggles, looking down at the red dress they’d picked out together, Anya playing a hand in what feels like a bit of a debut. Stella’s a different person than she was when she arrived in September, draped in a champagne colored gown at the masquerade ball. She likes red better too. “Well I have you to thank for helping me get all dolled up. I couldn’t have asked for a better date, stare all you want so I don’t feel weird when I do it back." Stella teases, but she doesn’t feel like she helped Anya get ready nearly as much, it seems so effortless for the other girl. She sighs at the question but her smile doesn’t drop, “Better now.” She says honestly, but looks out into the party for a moment. “It doesn’t feel real, if I’m being perfectly honest.” 

it’s  strange  to  collect  knowledge  about  stella  without  any  sense  of  how  to  pocket  it  ;  he  wonders  how  long  they’ll  be  in  each  other’s  lives,  how  often  they’ll  be  dancing  around  awkward  encounters  and  flighty  conversations.  there’s  tommy,  of  course,  stella’s  presence  a  reminder  of  his  conversation  with  his  brother  only  weeks  prior,  the  L  word  being  tossed  around  a  bit  too  much  for  charlie’s  comfort.  and  then  there’s  anya.  the  blue  eyed  boy’s  closest  friend,  and  perhaps  the  person  who  knows  him  most  intimately.  he’d  never  want  to  affect  anya’s  friendship  with  stella,  but  he  can’t  help  feeling  like  a  blister  on  an  otherwise  perfect  night.  he’ll  deal  with  it,  though.  anya  is  someone  he  doesn’t  intend  on  letting  go  of.  his  tone  raises  a  pitch,  “  oh,  right.  ”  he  takes  one  out  for  himself,  anyway.  if  it  was  a  friend  he  was  faced  with,  he’d  let  his  drunken  state  mention  how  it  isn’t  a  habit  for  him,  either,  but  tonight’s  really  his  last  chance  to  get  it  all  in  —  the  drinking,  the  smoking,  and  other  vices  —  before  tommy’s  on  his  ass  about  sticking  to  his  promises  about  turning  to  better  outlets.  only  it’s  stella,  so  it  feels  wrong  to  bring  his  brother  up,  or  his  odyssey  of  trying  to  get  better.  instead,  he  settles  on  the  common  ground  they  share  fondly.  “  er,  i  saw  you  came  with  anya  tonight.  she’s  really  great.  ”  understatement  of  the  year,  he  thinks,  but  it’s  still  uncomfortable  to  relay  too  much  to  the  girl.

The worst part of not knowing whether Charlie will initiate conversation is not knowing if she wants him to, or if she would even engage. In real time the moment is smooth, moves with the wind around them but in Stella’s head it feels like a ticking clock. She can hear the clicks of every second, like she’s running out of time to make a decision on how much she’s willing to give him. This night feels like the last night to write epilogues. Time moves faster when concluding if she can settle with disfavoring him forever. This might be her last chance to decide. They’ve crossed paths so few times this year and she knows the odds they’ll never speak again are higher than a stranger’s, and while Charlie might consider Stella an enigma she’s under the impression she knows him as well as she needs to. He brings up the only reason she has to think otherwise. “I did.” Stella exhales quietly, over the ledge her fingers pick beneath her nails. She can’t help the faint laugh that finds escape in a breath at his description of Anya, sensing his reservation. “She’s wonderful, yes. But you don’t need me to tell you that.” Or at least Stella hopes he doesn’t, but he lacks a shiny track record in mutual respect for those who care for him. Contemplating silence, she glances over at him. “We’re good friends. Anya and I.” She’s not sure if Anya talks to him about her, but she assumes she doesn’t. 

       THERE’S NOTHING ABOUT TALKING TO STELLA TONIGHT THAT’S HARD, or heavy, or has him second guessing his words or actions. the entire month of may had been so painfully EASY with her that perhaps the saddest part of it is the fact it had taken them so long to get there. tommy’s not someone to delude him with visions of grandeur, but he can’t help but feel like if they had just had more time… but he’s not focusing on that right now or tonight. in this moment she has his undivided attention, paying attention to how nicely her hand fits together with his, just like it once did. the wrinkle of her nose makes him chuckle, because they’re being cheesy and he knows it, but it also feels good to have stella’s blessing in wherever his life takes him.   “ maybe i didn’t need it, but i want it, ”   he tells her with a smile, and there’s a lot he wants from her, but he’ll settle for her best wishes,   “ so thank you. and i… ”   his words falter for a moment, not wanting to ruin the easiness of the moment, but they are talking about their future. tommy stops walking and tugs on her hand to stop with him, right under a particularly ostentatious flower arch. he won’t miss these gardens.   “ i hope you know that if you ever need anything… i won’t be far this summer, in geneva, ”   he tells her, gaze boring into hers.   “ or even after then, it doesn’t really matter. i know you probably don’t need it, but i’m here. let me be here. ”   she certainly doesn’t owe him any second chances, but she’s given him that anyway by walking hand-in-hand with him through the gardens. he’s not sure how good he is at being her friend, but he is good at taking care of the people in his life he cares about. 

“ you’re just a little biased, ”   he smiles warmly,   “ but i agree. then again, i might be a little biased too. ”   talking about it is making him wish he was going to italy this summer instead, but tommy’s not sure he’s ready to go back there, not without her. part of him fears that if he goes back without the bright-eyed optimism of his teenage years, part of that romance for italy he feels will be gone forever. tommy regrets bringing this wine with him on this walk, so he can’t hold her hands in both of his. instead he takes a long sip of it, working to finish it off.   “ yes, that one. i took a lot of smoke breaks over there. ”   she had spent a lot of her time there while he worked, and he remembers the many days he dreamed of ending his shift so he could surprise her early. the memories feel like watching a movie of another person’s life, but they still bring a smile to his face, because whoever that person had been, he’d been happy. tommy’s not surprised to hear she didn’t visit the restaurant afterwards. he offers her a small smile.   “ send me pictures if you do. tell them i say hi, if you can. ”   if they don’t think he’s dead.   “ i did, “   he smirks a little, amused at her reaction to his comment.   “ i’m going home for about a week, to spend time with my parents. then charlie and i are starting with turkey. we’re still planning as we go. i’m trying to be spontaneous. ”   charlie’s word, not his. 

Maybe that’s something that will be their always affliction: never feeling like they’ve had enough time. She’d felt that when he died, and it's odd to feel a different shade of it now that he’s alive. She settles with this outcome being necessary, that more time might send them into another pit of pandemonium, why fantasize when she can enjoy the fleeting fulfillment of what’s happening right now. It’s easier to let go with him when she’s not sure if she’s letting go of him. Not to overthink the way their hands are locked, or the way the moon casts over his cheek bones. So she keeps her smile soft, even when her heart sighs at the reiteration that her opinion means anything to him. Her expression only twitches at the pull on her hand, lightly requesting her body to halt across from his, and she keeps her eyes on his face. She hadn’t considered the distance between his internship and Italy until he reiterates it, and she doesn’t know what to make of the feeling bubbling in her stomach. It was easier not to think about things when they felt bound by Gallagher, when their comments about always being there for each other felt true but not solid. “I know, Tommy.” Her voice is soft and firm. She doesn’t know if he’ll be the one she reaches out to first, but she imagines he’ll be the one she’ll reach out to at her worst. His words ring in her head. Let me be here. He’s been telling her that in his own various ways for months and she’s finally ready to allow it. “And...maybe I don’t need it,” she repeats him, squeezing his hand “but I want it.” 

Stella laughs lightly, taking the opportunity to lose his gaze for a few seconds. “We can both agree to pardon our biases. Our little secret.” She suggests. Toward Italy. Toward each other. Like they’re making a pact to agree Italy is a place they’ll always go back to metaphorically, no matter where they are. She’ll go back and pass Vito’s and think of him and maybe one day he’ll have a coffee in La Pergola and not bother to reach out to her. Maybe she’ll be somewhere else entirely. She doesn’t know if they’ll ever be able to visit together, not with their biases. She brings her wine to her lips to drown the wondering, wishing she had somewhere to drop off her near empty glass. “I will.” She laughs, but she means it. “Though I can’t imagine Vito’s all that happy, having to hire new staff on such short notice.” She teases without thinking once about how crazy it is to be able to tease about this, about what happened between them. “Oh, are you excited to see them?” The last time they spoke about his parents he was having a life crisis. The mention of Charlie makes her swallow and nod, not considering he wouldn’t be traveling alone. “Traveling is always more fun with company.” At least it’s his brother, and not someone else. “Spontaneous?” Some of her previous levity returns, a smile forming; that’s not exactly his brand. “Sounds like trouble.” The sweetness in her voice doesn’t quite match her words, more amused and fond at trying to imagine what that means for him. 

      HE LIKES THAT SHE DOESN’T ARGUE WITH HIM, just a testament to truly how much has changed between them this year. be bad in communication with yourself. tommy knows what it feels like for the head and the heart to be speaking two different languages with each other, so he’d imagine that’s what she’s talking about. can guts ever really be WRONG, if it’s something you wanted at some point ?   he shakes his head slowly.   “ i’m sure it wasn’t a fail as much as it was… other external factors working against you. ”   it’s hard talking in hypotheticals, but tommy just wants her to trust in herself, and her decisions. if someone doesn’t trust their own gut, who do they believe ?   hopefully she can at least trust his.   “ but seriously. i wish only the best for you. ”   he thinks she’ll get it too, because spy future or not  ( and thankfully not ) ,   estella manchesi has good things coming in her future. she’s too special for anything less. tommy’s not surprised to hear about her sisters – he anticipated it, although it wasn’t what he was asking. so when she continues, he feels a smile rise to his lips.   “ i can understand that. i miss the streets of italy, ”   tommy confesses. stella or no stella, he had adored living in italy for two years. there have been more dreams than he cares to admit to that have started on the streets on milan.   “ that place on the corner of the piazza ? ”   he asks, wondering if her favorite has changed at all.   “ you know what i miss most about living in italy ? ”   tommy asks, pausing for dramatic effect.   “ the food. is vito’s restaurant still there ? ”   the restaurant he had worked at while he lived there, where he spent the most of his time, when he wasn’t by her side. he’d give anything to go back there, but if stella had thought he was dead, surely vito and his family would think so as well. he swallows the bile that’s threatening to rise in his throat just thinking about it. the ever moving conversation helps, snorting at the question about him and martina.   “ i wouldn’t say that, ”   he says wryly, shaking his head.   “ she had me carry her things, because i apparently was so good with baggage. had some choice words for me. she’s a real piece of work, ”   tommy tells her, but the laugh that comes after makes it clear he didn’t mind. in fact, he was oddly charmed with martina, even if she would probably not say the same. 

The conversation about the weight of the past year’s events feels uncharacteristically light, simple. She knows most were out of her control, which is maybe why they hurt even more. If she had chosen her own chaos maybe it would’ve been easier to live with it. “Thank you.” She gives his hand a light squeeze before letting her fingers stretch and hang comfortably in his grip. “And I only wish the best for you.” She wrinkles her nose playfully toward his face with a smile, because the exchange feels cheesy but necessary. Stella’s not sure what ‘the best’ looks like for either of them, and she stops herself from imagining it, knowing expectations have never gotten her far. “I know you don’t need me to, but I’ll still wish it.” She has no doubt he’ll be successful in the life he’s chosen, and she doesn’t know if that makes her worried or proud or wistful. But not enough people worry about Tommy, she thinks. Everyone expects him to land on his feet like he always has, so she will worry for him as she always has. Stella hums in solidarity, “Italy is the kind of place you think about when you’re anywhere else.” She says dreamily. “But perhaps I am biased.” Her eyes light up when he mentions the café, and she nearly drops her wine glass in an attempt to hold his palm with both hands, exhaling sweet laughter. “La Pergola! The one with the little garden hidden in the back.” She sighs, and takes a moment to let the image settle in her mind. “I can’t believe you remember that place. It was so small.” They had the best affogato and she spent too many afternoons there, waiting for him to get off his shift at Vito’s. Her turn to him is fast and energized, and her smile is smooth as it curls, waiting in anticipation of his dramatic pause. “Uh--” Stella tilts her head with a breathy laugh. “Well it was when I left, surely it still is. I’ll...have to admit, I did not visit much after you...parted. I hadn’t thought to.” She was a little busy being miserable, sorry. “I think I’ll go there too, when I return.” And tell them about you. Stella’s eyes widen, but she holds herself back from apologizing on her best friend’s behalf, assuming Martina was probably in the right. “...Well, I hope you’ve thought long and hard about whatever she had to say.” Stella jokes, trying to stay indifferent and playful. “And you?” A pause. “First stop on your traveling plans?” 

nico grimaces, ever so slightly, mostly because he thinks she’s acting. she looks like she might cry. if she does, they probably will be crocodile tears and he’s not falling for it. “ i agree. it’s not, and i never claimed it was. anya is her own person and she can make her own decisions. ” even though he thinks she’s far too trusting and shouldn’t allow half the people in her life to be as close to her as they are. “ but i am allowed to express my contempt where i see fit. you are an example of where it fits. i’ve known about your family, who they are and what they’ve done long before the book was published. so, and i hope i don’t have to say this for a third time, let’s stop pretending. in fact, here, allow me to put it out in the open for us: your family was a customer of ours. ”

Nico being so technical startles her, not used to the coldness nor the dismissiveness and honestly as baby, she’s not used to not being liked. Having Nico seem in absolute distaste with her without any explanation is a new feeling she can’t place, one that leaves her itchy all over. She wants to comment back to him but she can barely follow his words as they come. I’ve known about your family -- long before the book was published. Her eyebrows knit, wondering if Anya also lied about knowing who she was. “Pretending?” With a whisper, her notoriously weak stomach twists and she fears she might lose her lunch to his obnoxiously shiny shoes. He’s accusing her of something she doesn’t even understand and her fingers tingle, panic settling in. “What do you mean a customer? My parents are involved with a catalog of people, and--” Bold of Nico to assume he’s that important. She considers standing her ground bravely, putting up a false front as the sudden new face of her family, but no more lies. “And they’ve told me so little.” Stella pauses, fingers folding into stern fists at her side. “But if you did read the burn book, you’d have inferred I haven’t spoken to them since before I arrived here. I don’t know what you’re talking about, but clearly you do not know my family as well as you think.” Since he’s got such a terrible grip on her.