Close & Personal

To be honest, it feels a little heavy to be writing this, but since you’re reading this now, that probably means we were able to talk to each other one more time before we graduate, and I’m glad we were able to do so. As you know, it’s harder for me to really say how I feel in person, so I want to use this as a way to be honest with you in the most genuine way possible.

I want to give a proper reflection and, for a lack of a better word, closure to someone who really impacted my last 2 years here of college. I’m sure a lot of things have changed since then, but I tend to think about us from time to time, and I feel like I never really did express how I felt to you about a lot of things, both good and bad. So here’s my way of really letting it out and further being at peace with myself and the thought of us. From our first talks at the CoHo, to our deep late night conversations in your room, to our long car rides from Vallejo to Davis listening to Fall Out Boy, and to our New York Trip (a trip that will forever be one of the best experiences of my life), I am grateful for them all. And I always smile thinking about how happy I was being with you. But I will never forget the obstacles we both went through and the amount of tolerance I had to endure with…. only to show me that ultimately, I am able to love and forgive people like no other, and that’s something I will continue to do and take pride in. What I am trying to say is, despite the pain, I’ve definitely grown a lot of strength and self-love from this, and I only hope that you learned and are thankful from this as well.

Coming from a place of content and gratitude, I finally want to say, thank you. Thank you for being a memory, lesson, and experience that affected and changed me. Our relationship will always be part of my heart that I will treasure and look back on for a lifetime. Good luck with your endeavors and whatever you do in life. I’ll be supporting from afar and I look forward to seeing you again in the future.

different 

during the beginning of my 2nd and 3rd year of college i would be so excited to see all the new faces in campus, excited to meet new people and show them how much the school has to offer, & excited for new experiences in general. but now when i go to campus, all i think about is my job and when my next class is. everyone around me is blurry, but i notice their presence. i get invited to a lot of parties, but i’ve only been to a few and generally prefer staying home, chilling at a friend’s place, or being with my boyfriend. i also used to take pictures with everyone and everything to take in the beauty of the moment, but now i can’t even take a picture of myself without feeling slightly uncomfortable. am i getting too “old” for this? it’s really odd for me to think and feel this way and I’m not entirely sure if it’s a good thing or not. i’ll just embrace it for now, but i don’t want to be indifferent for the rest of my senior year. 

work work work 

a much as i love my new job, like ABSOLUTELY LOVE it, i’m already really tired... a good typa tired though. this sense of responsibility and authority is new to me. i’m actually the “boss” to some people, meaning a lot of people depend and look up to me. every single day i live and breathe my job. i even forget that i have school work and my internship at Sun & Cobalt. I need to learn how to balance everything out before I feel the “burnout” too fast. 

when it hits you out of nowhere

relationships are entirely a choice and effort, and love only lasts through continuous work. getting through the hard parts will just solidify the bond. i deserve someone who puts in their 100%. but its important to understand that effort is not identical.  it’s important and necessary to think things through and come back together to express ourselves clearly. time and space are also important and necessary.  relationships are investments that at least require the willingness to work. if that’s not there, then it isn’t worth.  in the end, people should own up to their decisions.  don’t predict the worst, but prepare for it.  things are going to come with time and experience. 

ultimately, as the saying goes, if it’s really meant to be, then it will happen. 

going to try this new thing where i blog my current stream of consciousness and title it “reflection.” my mind tends to wander everywhere and i want to write about everything, so I'm hoping that this will help me release thoughts in a reflective and therapeutic way, and also help me improve my writing cause god knows i need to work on that. 

college activism vs. real-world activism 

over the summer I had the privilege to intern at CAUSE, a nonprofit org that focuses on increasing civic and political participation in the APA community. i thought that working here would be familiar to me since I'm used to working in “social justice” spaces back in college, but i was definitely wrong. real-life activism isn’t always going to be about protests, social media outreaching, and workshops. it’s about professionalism, meeting people eye to eye (even if you don’t want to), and actually DOING SOMETHING given the money, support, and resources you have. it’s given me a different lens to this field and it’s reassuring to know that post-undergrad people here have very objective, open-minded, compassionate mindsets, something i believe we should all have when working in social activism. 

I'm so tired of the constant drama between the “politically correct tyrants” and the “neo-liberalists” at my school. I want people to understand where the oppressed are coming from, but it’s hard when those who are oppressed are framing their dialogue in a way that does not welcome the unaware and uneducated. These arguments are just adding fire to fire and progress isn’t being made. Seems like high school drama repeated itself, but in a larger more dangerous scale. In a diverse democracy, lasting success comes from coalitions and being able to WORK TOGETHER. Affinity and identity should empower, NOT limit and divide. 

same words, different people, one life changing message 

for the summer, i also made it a goal of mine to network and talk to people within my fields of interest. from community organizers, to politicians, and even fashion students, the advice were relatively the same. 

have your goal(s) in front of you, make a game plan, be open to failure, be hardworking, be passionate, and be true to yourself. i know they’re pretty simple and it’s stuff you can find online, but actually hearing it from others and also understanding these points through their own personal stories was validating and inspiring. 

because of them, my fear of not being able to do everything i love disappeared.

OH AND NETWORKING REALLY IS THE MF KEY TO LIFE 

willingness and communication 

the hardest part was being away from my boyfriend for a couple of months. i saw him 2 times during the whole summer and it was only for 2 weekends. silence, insecurities, and over-thinking led to several arguments and fights and they were so bad, i thought it was almost the end for us.

fortunately, it didn’t go down that path (even though i really thought it would). and as cheesy as it sounds, i feel like it was the universe’s way of telling us that we still have so much to grow and learn from each other. & although we’ve dated for quite a while, i guess our flaw was that we never addressed how we BOTH value communication and willingness, 2 things i believe are core elements in a long-lasting relationship. after lots of thinking and crying and him putting up with some of my BS and me putting up with his, I'm glad that we’ve established that we really do want us to work. 

art and solitude 

this has been the loneliest summer i’ve ever had, but i don’t regret it a bit. in fact, i feel like its giving me a taste of what the post-undergrad real world will be like. i’ve re-kindled and even discovered my love for different forms of art, whether physical art, music, architecture, photography, theatre, writing, reading, etc. like i said before, i feel like I'm seeing and taking in the world in a new, analytical perspective. 

and a lot of art things in LA are free so that’s a plus for me. 

post-undergrad anxiety 

didn’t really feel this anxiety until recently, but it hit me pretty hard. i never had this before because i always had this belief that i would just go back to LA after i graduate. but after living back in LA for the summer, I'm having second thoughts. and the thought of coming back to my comfort zone after 4 years of living in another city and basically building myself.... i don't want to risk losing all of that if go back to LA.

so i’ve actually been job-hunting in places like Sacramento and the Bay Area. my plan is to live in that area for 2 years so i can save up enough money to move back to LA and live in a small apartment by myself WITHOUT MY PARENTS. i think this will also be great for my self-growth. many have told me that living on your own after college is so different than living on your on in college. I'm ready to take on that journey in the future.